Hopefully you are still reading and this chapter picks up straight after the last so I won't keep you waiting. (Short reminder to please review)

Saying sorry

Why were some words always harder to say than others, words like ... I love you. When did such simple, heartfelt words become so chokingly painful to express. Zack knew those words shouldn't be hard to say, but even though he had said them only hours before, they were now very hard to say again. It wasn't because he didn't believe them, that his feelings for the blonde had changed, but now they meant something more because Cloud had said them back. Or had he?

The soldiers mind locked onto that moment in time, focused on it intently and then for some unknown reason began to pull it apart. Zack watched almost helplessly as his mind tore into the blonde's declaration of love and made him begin to doubt it had even happened. He went back over every aspect of their interaction considering every look, sound and gesture the cadet had made. He played back his own confession of everything in his heart and the words he had heard Cloud murmur before falling asleep in his arms. At least he was sure he had. They had been a whisper in the air, so faint he had barely heard them and this was why he now doubted they had even existed.

The soldier felt heartache as his mind toyed with the idea that maybe the words hadn't really been spoken, that maybe he had imagined hearing them. Had they really been said, or had is screwed up head created the words he wanted to hear so desperately. But if Cloud had said them, wouldn't he have said them louder, wouldn't he have wanted the soldier to hear them being spoken? Maybe Cloud was just too afraid to speak them as confidently as Zack did, but did that mean he wasn't confident in his feelings or that he didn't feel the same way and was just saying them back for the soldier's benefit.

Zack felt his head begin to throb at the barrage of thoughts and worries which seemed to come rushing in and raised his fingers up to massage his temples. He groaned softly knowing that right now he was his own worst enemy. Why couldn't he just accept that Cloud loved him and that this was a good thing? He knew why though, knew the reason why he doubted those words. Cloud was still healing, his emotions were unstable right now, and that left so much room for doubt.

A sudden movement caused him to look up and see Cloud standing in the doorway of his bedroom staring at him in shock. The soldier knew he had been caught by surprise by the blonde, knew that his eyes were too wide, knew his face was too exposed. He quickly swallowed it all down, pushed it all way and smiled at the cadet.

"Morning" he squeaked, ruining the image instantly, then coughed to try again "Morning."

Cloud wasn't convinced and continued to look worried, his small smile fading and blue eyes becoming cautious.

"Sleep ok?" Zack asked quickly rising from the chair and carrying his empty cup to the kitchen, he needed more coffee and he needed it now.

"Zack?" Cloud's voice asked softly, hesitantly.

"Yea" he replied without turning round, his hand shaking as he tried to pour the black liquid into the right place.

"Did ... did I ..." Cloud's words trailed off as a voice whispered to him that he didn't need to ask, that of course he had done something wrong. "I slept well" he quickly corrected himself before Zack could say anything

"Sure Spiky, that's good" Zack said absentmindedly. "What do you fancy for breakfast?"

Cloud watched as the soldier's guard went back up, as the tension began to form between them again, just like it had been before. He felt the weight of the world piling on top of him, his breathing becoming harder as the panicking started and he heard voice's screaming within him. They cried out at him and at each other, one yelling at him to walk away, the other shouting for him to hold Zack tight. His body began to shake as the soldiers back remained towards him, as Zack continued to add sugar and milk to his stupid drink, and he felt his legs go weak. Cloud sank to the floor holding his head as the world swam in colours, the sound of his heart pounding in his ears, and as waves of nausea swept through him.

Zack heard the soft thud of something falling and looked round to see Cloud on his knees leaning against the cabinet. The blonde had gone pale one hand holding his chest, the other holding his head, as he swayed in his sitting position.

"Cloud?" Zack gasped falling to his knees beside the cadet, catching the blonde's body as it began to slump forward.

"Zack?" Cloud gasped unable to catch his breath, reaching out blindly for the soldier.

"I'm here, I'm here" Zack repeated pulling him close and running a hand through blonde spikes "Ssshhhh its ok, I'm here" he soothed rocking them both gently.

"I ... I can't ... breath" Cloud gasped the panic rising further.

"Yes you can, you just need to focus."

The soldier quickly adjusted himself so that he was propped against the cabinets and shifted Cloud's body to sit between his outstretched legs and lie back against his chest.

"Feel me breathe Cloud, focus on the rise and fall of my chest, try to copy it" Zack told the cadet as he wrapped protective arms around the blonde pulling him closer.

The room was silent except for the sound of Cloud's desperate breaths and Zack's emphasised controlled ones. Eventually the blonde's body began to function again and his chest started to match the rise and fall of Zack's. It didn't take long before they both drew air in together and let it out as a single breath. Zack waited for the cadet to calm more before he spoke, waited for the violent shaking to ease into a slight tremble.

"You ok?" he asked cautiously.

"No" Cloud choked back shaking his head violently against the soldier's chest.

"Hey, take it easy" Zack quickly said, pulling Cloud close and beginning to run his hand through the cadet's hair again.

"I'm sorry" Cloud cried making Zack jump.

"Why? What for?"

"I shouldn't have... I should have ... I ..." Cloud stammered trying to work out what to say.

"You don't even know what you're apologising for, do you?" Zack asked sadly.

The realisation made Cloud tense up even more and he began to whimper curling up in on himself even as Zack held him gently.

"Cloud I'm not cross with you and you've done nothing wrong, so stop apologising."

A louder whimper acknowledged Zack's words, but showed they were not accepted.

"Damn it Cloud if anyone should be sorry it's me. I let my feelings for you distract me and I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that. I shouldn't have grabbed you the way I did last night. I put pressure on you to feel things you ... that you might not have felt before. I didn't mean to do that."

Cloud's head came up now and he twisted round in Zack's arms so they were face to face, their noses almost touching. Zack took in the confused eyes and tear stained cheeks of the cadet in front of him and tried to smile reassuringly. He fought against the desire to lean forward and kiss Cloud, to taste his lips and feel if they were as soft as they looked.

"Are you sorry that you have feelings for me?" Cloud asked his voice barely a whisper, the need to know burning brightly in his eyes.

"Huh?" Zack responded confused

"You said you loved me, or didn't you mean it?" Cloud breathed, the sadness in his heart so evident on his delicate face.

Zack gave in then, shut his mind behind the biggest damn door he could and let his body take over. He lent forward and claimed the cadet's lips with his own and Gaia they were even softer than he had imagined. He kept some control, knowing to push too far was wrong, that right now Cloud was vulnerable, but Shiva help him he wanted this. He broke away from the kiss while it was still just lips against lips, drawing himself back away from temptation like a drowning man turning away from water. There was no need to go past this stage no reason to...

His thoughts were cut off as Cloud's lips were on his once more, this time with the cadet initiating the display of affection and Zack let himself become immersed in the feel of those delicately soft lips again. His arms wound round the blonde's fragile body and pulled him in closer forcing their kiss to become more than chaste. It was Cloud's tongue which caressed his lips seeking entrance first, which moved to take this experience further and Zack opened up willingly.

Cloud's inexperience was obvious, his hesitation and indecision showing he was now lost as to what he should do. Zack marvelled at the cadet's courage for taking this first step and quickly took control of the kiss to save him any embarrassment. He let his tongue explore the inside of Cloud's mouth caressing teasing and touching until a small moan could be heard rising from within the blonde's throat. Then and only then did he pull away and let them both breath in the desperately needed air.

"I love you Cloud, you and only you. There is no doubt and no mistake in how I feel about you" he told the blonde staring him straight in the eyes.

"Then why? Why were you so ... why did you turn away ... why?" Cloud couldn't find the words, didn't know which questions to ask first or how to ask them, but it all boiled down to that one word, why?

"You mean why did I act so cold just now?" Zack asked, his own voice expressing the pain his actions had caused them both.

"Yes"

"I was afraid"

"Of what?"

"Of us being an us, of you not being ready for this thing between us, of you ... not really wanting there to be an us"

"I am ready, I want this" Cloud protested quickly

"Do you? Do you really know how you feel or are you just reaching out for a friend and I'm taking advantage of that? Taking advantage of you and making you feel things you don't really feel?"

Cloud suddenly pushed away from the embrace and stood staring down at the soldier, his eyes narrowing into thin slits, his innocent face contorting in pain filled rage. There was anger within the blonde now, a burning fury which threatened everything Zack had achieved, and the soldier knew it was focused on him.

"You wanted honesty and now you question it" the cadet spat with a deathly calm tone.

Before Zack could say anything Cloud was gone, a blur of movement in the apartment and then a door slammed shut. It took Zack a minute to realise what a horrible mistake he had just made and another minute to realise that the door slamming had been the front door, which meant Cloud was really gone.

"Shit" he swore loudly before throwing himself out the apartment and after the cadet.