Painful confessions
"Cloud, wait" He managed to plead, his hands reaching out and catching the cadet by the wrists before he could rise properly.
Cloud's head snapped back round to face Zack's and it was clear from his expression and frantic breathing that he was not handling the restraint part any better.
"I'm sorry." The soldier said, quickly releasing his grip and holding his hands out to the side away from the blonde's body.
Zack said a silent prayer of thanks to the sky as the cadet remained where he was, the half raised position not relaxing but not being continued either.
"I'm sorry." Zack repeated gently, his eyes begging Cloud to say something.
"Why?" The cadet whispered after a moment of silence.
"I should have better control and I shouldn't have moved back. If I had stayed in place then we wouldn't have ended up on the floor and it wouldn't have upset you."
"It ... surprised me." Cloud murmured, looking away as a faint blush crept up his face.
"It surprised me too." Zack admitted, relaxing a little as the cadet began to open up.
"I... I've just ..." Cloud began hesitantly.
"It's ok, you can tell me anything." The soldier reassured gently, as the blonde's words faltered.
"I've never done this before ... with anyone."
Zack smiled brightly and let all the love he felt for the cadet be shown in his eyes, silently willing Cloud to see how much this relationship mattered to him. The soldier had already guessed from the hesitant kisses that the blonde was inexperienced, but to hear the confession being spoken made his heart flutter in a way he just couldn't describe.
"It's ok." He said, bringing his hands back to rest lightly on Cloud's forearms. "We don't have to do anything you're not ready for."
After a moment Cloud nodded silently and Zack breathed a small sigh of relief, letting his thumbs begin to massage tiny circles against the cadet's soft skin. The actions seemed to help ease some of the tension in the blonde's body and the soldier smiled as Cloud lowered himself down again to rest a head of golden spikes on his chest. The atmosphere had changed now and thankfully both found their arousals to have faded, it also helped that the new position meant their bodies were no longer held together in such an intimate way. Zack took the reaction as a good sign and began to slowly move his hands up Cloud's arms until they rested across his back, in effect hugging the cadet as they lay together on the floor.
"You ok?" He asked after a few minutes.
"Can I ... can I still ... sleep with you tonight?" Cloud stammered, his voice faint and clearly nervous.
"Of course you can, why would you think otherwise?" Zack replied, unable to hide the surprise he felt.
"Because I ... I wasn't sure if ... after ..."
"Spiky," The soldier quickly cut in, sensing the blonde's uncertainty. "I'm gonna admit to something here and it's kinda embarrassing so hear me out first ok. Then if afterwards you want to hit me, ignore me or whatever I'll accept it, ok?"
"Uuumm, ok" Cloud replied, clearly confused by the statement.
"You remember that morning a couple of days ago when you wanted to know what I had been thinking about?"
"Yes."
"Well this ... that ... what happened just now, it's what I was also thinking about that day."
Zack held his breath waiting for Cloud's response, his heart beating a little faster in his chest as he felt the heat of his blush slowly being replaced by an uneasy feeling in his stomach. The seconds seemed to tick by like minutes or even hours as the cadet remained silent in his arms and the soldier could almost feel his world starting to fall apart.
"Cloud?" He breathed fearfully.
"I ... I've been ... thinking about it to." Cloud whispered against his chest, the cadet's smaller hands gripping the material of his top tightly as if he needed something to hold onto for support.
"You have?" Zack replied, also keeping his voice low.
"I ... I didn't know how ... I wasn't sure ... if ..."
Once again the cadet's words faltered and the soldier knew that he was struggling with whatever it was he wanted to say, could feel the tension now running through the blonde's shoulders as he fought to give words to his emotions.
"You can tell me anything Cloud, I won't run away."
"I don't know what I'm doing," Cloud gasped out in a single breath, his body now trembling slightly. "I have these feelings and I ... I look at you and it ... it makes me feel ... but I don't know how to ..."
"It's ok." Zack soothed, as the cadet's stammering words fell silent. "I understand. Like I said before it's new to you, which is why I'm not going to rush anything."
"But I want to." Cloud whispered, his grip on the soldier's top tightening.
"Are you sure?" Zack asked after a moment of hesitation.
"I think so."
"I love that you're being honest with me and by Gaia I want this to, but I'm not going to do anything unless you're sure."
"But I ..."
"You just said you think so Spiky, that's not being sure." Zack cut in quickly, trying to keep his voice as gentle as possible.
"I keep people out." Cloud informed the soldier, his voice no longer soft but somehow empty. "I don't let myself get attached, I keep what I feel trapped inside. I don't let them see it because then it can't be used against me"
The soldier felt a cold knot form in his stomach as the cadet's words dug icy slivers into his chest, the new confession being stated in a worryingly distant way and almost void of emotion. Though he wanted to offer words of comfort, to reassure the blonde that it was alright, none came to his troubled mind. He was almost thankful when Cloud continued talking, that was until he heard what he had to say.
"Angeal was right when he said there was a darkness in being alone, that the pain can be just as damaging as daring to feel. There's something in me Zack, something I let grow from ... not feeling. No, that's wrong. I did feel, but I ... it was only the bad stuff. I gave up on everything good, I thought it didn't ... that I didn't ... that I would never feel ..."
Cloud's body was now shaking against the soldier's chest as he let himself go, as all the fears and self denial came pouring out along with the tears which now ran down his face and soaked into the soldiers top. Zack lay quietly beneath the trembling body, allowing Cloud to speak without being interrupted, his hands gently rubbing circles across the cadet's back to help sooth away some of the pain. He felt his eyes prick with heat as they grew damp, knowing that soon his own tears would escape to leave wet trails on his face.
"I've always been alone and I got used to that, I didn't know any different until I ... until I met you. I ... I didn't trust you at first, no one had ever been that nice to me just because they wanted to. I started to feel ... things for you, but I couldn't trust them ... I couldn't trust myself. I locked them away with everything else because I thought it was for the best, that you could never feel that way about me."
Zack was vaguely aware of the warm beads of moisture which now worked their way slowly down his face, the silent tears now being the visible evidence of his own pain at hearing Cloud's words.
"I locked my feelings away too." The soldier admitted gently, not trusting his voice to speak louder. "I wasn't sure how you felt about me so kept quiet because I didn't want to ruin our friendship."
"I'm scared Zack." Cloud whimpered softly, drawing himself tighter against the soldier's body.
"Of me ... of us?"
"No." The cadet replied firmly, his head shaking forcefully against Zack's chest. "I'm afraid of hiding from what I feel, of loosing you because I wasn't able to be honest with you or myself." There was a brief pause as Cloud gathered himself and the soldier could feel the tension back in the cadet's body as he began to speak again. "I thought I was stronger on my own, that no one could hurt me, but I was wrong. I don't think I'll survive alone in the dark Zack, not now that I've found you."
"I will always be there for you Cloud." The soldier began, his voice trembling as he held the cadet tight. "If the world falls apart around us then I will be there at your side, fighting to keep you safe in your darkest hour, even if I have to carry you towards the light myself.
Neither spoke as the world around them fell into a strange silence, their heartfelt words drifting quietly in the air above them. Zack continued to gently stroke Cloud's back, allowing his own body to start relaxing as some of the stress and strain began to ease away from the cadet. After a while Cloud sat up, smiling reassuringly at the soldier as he began to move away and rise to his feet. Reluctantly Zack let him go and watched as the cadet sat back down on the chair again, noting the small limp in the blonde's walk.
"You ok?"
"Yea, just a cramp." Cloud replied, his hands already working on the muscle concerned.
"Here let me." Zack replied, sitting up and sliding across the floor until he was at the cadet's feet.
Cloud opened his mouth to protest the offer, but instantly stopped when strong hands began massaging the leg. The gentle kneading motions were perfect, as the soldier's fingers travelled over the limb, and Cloud sighed happily as the large knot was broken down.
"Is that better?"
"Yes, thank you."
"No worries. To be honest I'm surprised you haven't got more of these after what Angeal put us through."
"Was he always that hard on you?" Cloud asked hesitantly.
"Huh?"
"When he was your mentor, was he always like that?"
"Sometimes." Zack admitted, smiling softly at the memories. "But he did it to make me stronger and because he cared."
"Does he ... I mean ... the way he's been pushing me. Is it ... for the same reason?" Cloud asked nervously.
"Yea. I'm pretty sure Angeal's taken you under his wing as well." The soldier agreed smiling softly. "It's a good place to be Spiky. Angeal may act tough and push you till you're ready to drop, but he's got a heart of gold and he'll be there for you in an instant if you need him."
"..."
"Come on," Zack spoke up, deciding the cadet's look was becoming a little too distant. "We should finish dinner and get some rest."
"Ok." Cloud agreed, his expression a little dazed as if he had been pulled back from a very deep thought.
The food was still warm enough to eat so both tucked in happily as they began to discuss what to do with their day off. Slowly the pair came to an agreement about how the time would be spent, with a rough outline of activities which would suit them both being decided upon. It had taken Zack some time to convince Cloud that it would be alright for them to leave the base for a day and so he now smiled brightly as they prepared for bed thinking about what tomorrow had in store for them.
"It's going to be great." He reassured gently, as they settled down amongst the covers.
"And you're sure I won't get into trouble." The cadet asked, this part of the plan clearly bothering him still.
"I'm sure. It's not like you sneaking off somewhere. You can leave the base on your days off."
"I've just never done it before."
"Well even more reason to do it now."
"Ok" Cloud agreed softly, moving back so he was now cocooned safely in the soldier's arms.
Zack smiled happily and adjusted his position so that it would hold even more of the blonde. He knew that it wasn't just Cloud who needed to feel the security in their embrace, that it wasn't just the cadet who needed the reassurance of this contact. In truth Cloud's words had unsettled the soldier, the painful confessions being both a joy and sorrow to hear. Zack waited for the slow rise and fall of the cadet's chest before he let himself think again, needing the blonde to be asleep before he gave into the thoughts which plagued his mind.
Memories of eyes which burned with blue fire rushed through him, the glowing spheres haunted by dancing shadows as they ignited at Tseng's words. The soldier shivered involuntarily as he recalled Angeal and Reno's words about the darkness they had seen, his own experiences with the blonde giving the words more weight. It was the commander's warning which hurt the most as it dug into his heart, the knowledge that if he lost Cloud to that dark part of himself than he might never get the cadet back. It had torn the soldier up inside to know that he would have to fight something he couldn't see, that he might have to confront a part of Cloud he didn't know if he had the strength to face. But now things were different.
Cloud had spoken of the same thing, his words revealing him to be aware of its presence within him as well. Zack felt his heart fill with hope as he realised that Cloud was reaching out to him, that in his own way the cadet was already trying to break free of it. The soldier realised that perhaps that had been his greatest fear in all of this, the idea that Cloud was not aware of his darker side, the possibility that the blonde didn't know where he drew his strength from. I had been heart wrenching to hear the cadet talk about himself with such sadness, but it had also given Zack a better understanding of how it had all begun.
"I will never leave you alone." He whispered softly against the blonde's ear. "I promise."
And with that Zack closed his eyes and allowed himself to fall asleep, the concerns of the day begin replaced by the possibilities of tomorrow.