Chapter Six:
Jail stared at the readouts, eyes wide with shock. "Impossible..." He muttered.
"What is the problem, Doctor?" Lutecia asked. She herself was sitting in a medical robe on the edge of the operating table, her latest treatments completed only minutes prior. "Is there something wrong with my results?"
"No, you've taken to the treatments as well as ever." Jail said. "This reading is from the sensor monitoring Due's lifesigns, and it just... stopped transmitting."
"Ah. I'm sor- wait, why did she even have one of those things?" Lutecia said.
"Er... no reason..." Jail said.
"... ... you sent her to kill Vivio Takamachi?" Lutecia asked, the slightest trace of disapproval in her voice.
"A little bit." Jail admitted. "Look, I had an assassin, and I had a person I wanted dead. It seemed obvious enough to me."
"I am supposed to deal with her. No-one else." Lutecia stated firmly.
"And it seems you'll get your chance." Jail said. "It will be the ultimate test of your abilities, and one I had hoped to spare you... but she seems to have already reached the stage where she can only be bested in the clowning ring, and only you can face her there and hope to win.
"Yes, Vivio Takamachi is clearly far, far more cunning and dangerous than I'd ever imagined."
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Vivio wailed.
"Shhh, shh, it's okay sweetie..." Nanoha said softly, stroking her daughter's hair. "It'll be okay..."
"I-I-I d-don't wanna go to prison! WAAAAAAAAAH!" Vivio cried, sobbing openly into her mother's shoulder.
"Shhhh... you won't go to prison." Nanoha said consolingly. "It was an accident."
"That's right." Fate said, patting her daughter on the shoulder. "If anyone goes to prison, it will be your Aunt Hayate for employing a dangerous lunatic like Shari."
"Hey!" Hayate snapped. "She works for next to nothing and she keeps our equipment in better-than-new condition! You think running this circus is cheap? Shari is worth her weight in gold!"
Nanoha narrowed her eyes. "More like her weight in uranium, from the looks of it. Seriously, Shari? What possible value could a death ray have to a clown?"
Shari, her arms pinned behind her back by both of the Nakajima sisters, shrugged. "I dunno. Thought it would look cool."
Hayate rubbed her temples to fight off the growing migraine. "Subaru. Ginga. Take Shari back to her lab and give her some of her crazy pills, please."
"Um... are we sure those aren't placebos again?" Subaru asked. "She's tricked us before."
"Good point. Okay, shove her into a straitjacket for now. We'll medicate her in the morning once we've gotten a supply we can confirm is untainted." Hayate acknowledged.
Shair pouted. "I don't like those pills. They make it really hard to focus on the design for the fire-breathing robot t-rex I have planned for Griffith and Lucino's juggling act."
"Yes. That is why we make you take them." Hayate said.
"Aw, you're all no fun..." Shari whined as she was forcibly marched off.
"All right, people." Hayate said, turning her attention to the matter of the corpse. "There's two ways we can deal with this. Normal, or circus."
"W-what's the difference...?" Vivio sniffled, cuddling up closer to Nanoha. She was, understandably, having trouble coping.
"Normal, we call the police. They come and investigate. They ask questions, interrogate people. They wonder why this person was in our circus, and where exactly we got a laser to shoot her with. There's a whole big snafu, we're closed down for weeks, lots of people probably get in trouble." Hayate said. "Circus... we bury her body in the woods and never speak of this again. Personally, I vote circus."
"Hayate." Nanoha said chidingly.
"What? It's Due. Nobody is going to miss her, she barely even counted as a person." Hayate said. "Come on, you get the plastic bags, I'll get a hacksaw, we'll leave tonight and be back by morning. We can stop somewhere for breakfast, I haven't had a nice omelet in ages."
"Hayate." Fate said, a little bit more sternly.
"Aw, c'mon! It's not just ticket sales, I'm doing this for you! Your daughter might get in a lot of trouble, you know!" Hayate said.
"WAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Vivio wailed.
"See? This is better for everyone!" Hayate said firmly. "I'll tell Zafira to go get the truck and some shovels, and we'll just..."
"HAYATE!" Fate and Nanoha snapped in unison.
"Ugh. Fine, fine..." Hayate muttered, pulling out her cellphone and hit a button. "Hello, police? Yeah, it's me again... yes, I do have you on speed-dial, it's not funny anymore since it became true, so you can stop joking about it. Yeah, just a little minor accid- yes, it was Shari again. Yes, someone is dead. No, it's only Due. Due... you know, from Scaglietti Bros.? Blonde, tall, murderer? You should send someone over here as soon as you can. And can you make sure it's not... them? Yes, I know that I don't get to request specific officers, but I'm begging here. Please? Come on. My day has been rough enough without..."
"Everybody, stand back! We're here... for crime." A painfully familiar voice shouted through a megaphone.
"Oh, God dammit." Hayate muttered, hanging up her phone. "I'm not even off the phone yet. Do those people just camp at the front entrance and wait for me to call something in?"
Two men, one green-haired and one brown, both wearing (for some reason) white formal suits, strolled towards the assembled women. They were followed (again, for some reason) nearly eighty uniformed police officers. "Ladies." The green haired man said, holding up his badge as he did so. "Inspector Verossa Acous. CCU."
"We know who you are. We see you every other week." Hayate said.
"Inspector Vice Granscenic. CCU." The brown haired man said, likewise holding his badge up and putting down his megaphone.
"Oh for the love of... you used to work here! You don't need to introduce yourself!" Hayate said. Really, did they have to do this every time?
"Together, we are..." the two men, in a single smooth motion, slid their badges into their front pockets and whipped out sunglasses, which they then donned. All of the nearly eighty men they'd brought with them followed suit. "... Acous and Granscenic: Circus Police."
"I hate you so much." Hayate said.
"Well, well, well... if it isn't Hayate Yagami. You're looking as beautiful as ever... and as devious." Verossa said, as if she'd not spoken. "Once again, your circus is a hotbed of deceit and corruption. It's true what they say... the loveliest rose hides the cruelest thorns."
"Rossa. Honestly. You know I didn't do anything." Hayate said exasperatedly. "Have I ever once been found guilty of anything? It's just we have a rather... accident-prone chief engineer and mechanic. Nothing sinister."
"That..." Vice interjected. "Will be for investigation to decide."
"Police investigation." Verossa confirmed.
Hayate sighed and rubbed her temples again. The migraine was not getting better. "God, man. I eat dinner with you and your sister once a week. We're practically family. You know this isn't my fault."
"Bring forth..." Verossa said, once again as if she'd not spoken, "The Crime Scene Investigator!"
"Yes sir!" The unnecessarily large Circus Crimes Unit said in unison, splitting down the middle to form two columns of men in a curiously choreographed-looking maneuver. A lightly built man with long blond hair in a white lab coat came strolling down the center.
"All right, I'm here, let's... oh, hey, girls." Yuuno Scrya said. "Long time no see."
"It's been five days." Nanoha said sadly.
"... that, unfortunately, is a pretty long time for this circus to go without an accident." Yuuno said dryly. "Okay, let's get this site cordoned off and I'll start my investigation..."
"Ah-hem!" Verossa cleared his throat meaningfully.
"... yes, inspector?" Yuuno asked.
"You didn't do it." Vice said.
"... do I have to?" Yuuno asked sadly. "It's so humiliating..."
"Yes, you have to!" Verossa said. "If you don't do it, we can't set the proper atmosphere!"
Yuuno sighed. "Fine, fine." He slipped his glasses into one pocket and took a pair of shades out of another. "Yuuno Scrya... Crime Scene Investigator! Reporting..." At this point he paused to don the sunglasses in a smooth motion, "...for justice."
Verossa nodded in approval. "Much better."
"You guys do realize this is the reason that I'm the only CSI who will work with you, right? Stuff like this." Yuuno grumbled.
"Dammit, man, don't give me your wild theories! I need facts!" Verossa said.
"Police facts!" Vice confirmed.
"I should have become a librarian..." Yuuno muttered, unpacking his kit.
"Noooooooo!" Quattro screamed. "Not Due! She was my idol! My world! Everything I ever wanted to be!"
"Which one was Due again...?" Agito whispered.
"Uncertain. They all sort of blend together after awhile." Zest replied.
"Her beauty. Her grace. Her total and utter disregard for human life." Quattro said wistfully. "My fondest wish was to one day be just like her."
"Due always loved you too, sister. She often said how callous and sadistic you were." Cinque said, patting Quattro on the back.
"I think you're actually a little worse than her, really." Nove said consolingly.
"I'm sure that she died peacefully in the knowledge that you were still here to carry in her place. I bet right now she's looking up at you and smiling." Wendi added.
Quattro wiped a tear from her eye and smiled shakily. "T-thanks. You guys always know just how to cheer me up."
"Yes... we shall all miss our fallen comrade, Due." Jail said. This got an enthusiastic 'yes!' from Quattro, a sort of nervous 'um... yeah...' from most of the other Numbers, and caused Agito, Zest, and Lutecia to very carefully avoid looking anyone in the eyes. "But at the moment, what matters even more is the implication of her demise. You see, your sister was lost to us at the performance facilities of Hayate Yagami and her Circus Force Six."
"Ah. Then they're stronger than we anticipated." Tre said, nodding her comprehension. "We'll have to move up our schedule."
"Yes. All of you are more than ready to play your parts, but the stage is not yet prepared." Jail acknowledged. "We must find some way to speed up the excavation before Yagami begins probing further into our activities."
"Why play nice with them?" Nove asked. "We don't need that thing to wipe them off the map! I want blood."
"Nove!" Jail said sharply, cutting off her tirade. "We are not common thugs, to wander over and engage in some brawl. We are performers! It would be an insult to our profession to resort to such crude measures."
"... ... ... ... but didn't you send Due over to do exactly that?" Nove asked in deep confusion.
"Yes. But the difference is that I had her registered at the Performers Association as 'Due's blood-curdling murder show, for adult audiences only'. You'd be shocked how little attention they pay to their paperwork over there, honestly." Jail said mildly. "So she could go over and just murder them, but the rest of you can't. We have to be civilized about this. We can't kill them all until after our plan is completed."
Quattro smiled and raised her hand. "So we need to either speed up our work, or distract them? I... might have an idea."
"All right. I'll need to perform an autopsy to know the exact spot struck, but she very clearly died of severe tissue damage to the heart. Some kind of... and I feel insane for saying this... focused, directed energy that struck her in the chest and..."
"Ah-HEM!" Verossa and Vice loudly cleared their throats.
"... oh, come on. Do I have to?" Yuuno groaned.
"Yes!"
"Fine, fine..." Yuuno said. He took off his sunglasses. "It looks like this case of heartburn..." At this point, he slipped them back on for no obvious reason, ".. was lethal."
"Yeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaah!" Someone shouted at the top of their lungs.
Hayate sighed. "Officer Jenkins still screams that whenever anyone makes a pun at a crime scene, I see?"
"He really loves clever wordplay." Verossa confirmed.
"Hi, miss Yagami!" Officer Jenkins said, waving.
"Hi, Jenkins." The circus workers said unenthusiastically.
"Look, Mr. Acous..." Nanoha began.
"Oh, Nanoha. We're friends. Call me Mr. Inspector Acous." Verossa said jovially.
"... yeah. What are you people going to do about my daughter, is what I actually need to know." Nanoha said.
"Well, she is a minor. And this woman was trespassing. Further, the victim was armed and clearly intended to do harm to someone at this site, most likely your daughter. That much is obvious from even the most cursory examination of the situation." Yuuno said. "I think it's safe to say that Vivio..."
"... will have the book thrown at her!" Verossa declared.
"What?" Vivio squeaked.
"Very clever of you to alter the crime scene, Miss Yagami." The green-haired inspector continued. "But the eye of the law sees through your deceptions. Vivio Takamachi will be arrested... for murder."
"... you can't be serious." Hayate said bluntly.
"Hmmmm... well, perhaps we could arrange leniency in her sentencing. For old times' sake. Shall we discuss the situation further... over dinner?"
"Careful, man. She might use her feminine wiles to tempt you for her diabolical aims." Vice warned.
"Don't worry... I've dealt with this femme fatale in the past. I know all her tricks." Verossa said. "Well... except the ones that require a more... intimate association. Those ones she hasn't tried. Yet."
"... ... ... ..." Hayate said.
Fate raised her hand. "You want me to...?"
"Do it."
Fate reached into her pocket and pulled out her own cell phone, dialing in a few numbers. "Hello? Yes, I'd like to speak to Chief Inspector Harlaown? Tell him it's his sister, Fate. ... ... ... Chrono? Hiiiiii, big brother! Yeah, we have a minor problem. Yes, it was Shari again, yeah... I know that, of course, but she's very tricky. All right... all right... listen, what I really needed to talk to you about is Verossa. Eh? Yes, he still does the sunglasses thing... and the choreographed police thing... and the one-liner thing, yes. Yuuno looks very annoyed. But the main thing is, it seems he's trying to arrest your niece for murder so he can date Hayate. What should I tell him?" After listening for a short while to the voice on the line, Fate said, "Thanks a lot, big brother. I'll see you... hmmmm... I'm free Thursday, we should meet for lunch, talk for awhile. Bring pictures of the kids, I haven't seen them in ages. Okay, love ya, bye!"
Fate hung up her phone, turned to Verossa, and said, "Big brother says if you don't stop being an idiot and listen to the CSI's analysis, he's going to slash your budget."
Vice smirked and wagged his finger at her. "Sorry, but justice knows no poverty. Even if we're reduced to rags, we'll continue to pursue it with vigor and passion!"
"That includes the budget for hiring way too many people so you can look impressive." Fate said.
"Ugh... j-justice doesn't need to look impressive. Substance is more important than style..."
"And the budget for new sunglasses."
The silence was palpable.
"I think," Verossa said softly. "That young Vivio there is a fine, outstanding young lady and this was all a complete accident. I also think that the laser used in this death was perfectly legal, and that no charges will be brought against any of you. Please have the young miss Takamachi stop by the station... at her convenience... to deliver a statement, and then you won't hear from us again. It will take an hour, at most."
Hayate smiled warmly. "Very nice. What a respectful and charming officer you are! I'll see you for dinner Saturday, say hi to Carim."
"Saturday? Try twenty-five to life!" A new, feminine voice said.
A woman in glasses, dressed in a business suit and with her long brown hair flowing freely down her back, strode purposefully past the pointless flock of police officers.
"Oh. Wonderful. New problems." Hayate said dryly. "Look, we have this all sorted out, it was an accident, and..."
"I'll be the judge of that!" The woman said, flashing a badge. "Agent Fourington. Interpol. The victim was a wanted criminal for a series of perfectly executed, magnificently artistic murders across a series of five countries that she graced with her presence, which means this case is my jurisdiction, now."
"Eh? You think you can just stride in here with your fancy badge and take over? This is my crime scene!" Verossa protested.
Quattr- I mean, 'Agent Fourington' took off her glasses... and slipped on a pair of shades. "Not anymore, it's not."
Verossa winced. "Ouch. Sorry, everyone, she makes a convincing argument."
"... I hate you so much." Yuuno said.
"I'll need all the data you've gathered, I'll need clearance for my own specialists... and most of all, I need everyone at this circus to be considered a suspect and remanded into my immediate custody." Agent Quattro said slipping off her shades. "And I'll need it now. Just because this is a circus..."
The shades went back on.
"... Doesn't mean I'm clowning around."
"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaah!"
"Really not the time, Jenkins."