Chapter Seven:
"'We have to do the right thing', you said." Hayate said bitterly, sitting in her prison cell. "'We have to call the proper authorities', you said."
"How was I supposed to know it would turn out like this?" Nanoha asked defensively.
"I wanted to dump the body in the woods. Nobody would have ever found her." Hayate said. "We could have chopped it up, dug some holes..."
"I'd have carried the shovel." Vita said.
"Vita would have carried the shovel!" Hayate repeated.
"Once? Some guy tried to rob the snack stand, and I hit him in the knees with a shovel." Vita said proudly.
"And that is why I keep you on the payroll." Hayate said, patting her on the head. "Because you are an idea woman. Not like the dual Ms. Goody-two Shoes over there."
"Hey, this is as much your fault as ours." Fate said. "Verossa is your friend. If he hadn't broken like cheap glass the first time that Interpol agent made a bad pun, maybe we wouldn't be in this mess." '
'This mess' was, in fact, the communal holding cell in the Cranagan City Woman's Penitentiary. The majority of the circus staff was currently crammed into the structure. This actually sort of made them happy (well, it made most of them happy. Erio was very annoyed that nobody had bothered to take him to a prison for men) because they took up the whole cell, and this meant that real criminals were being held elsewhere while they were all processed. Some of the performers wouldn't have been safe around hardened felons, after all. The poor felons might have gotten seriously wounded.
Nanoha nodded in agreement with Fate's assessment. "And you're the one who hired Shari, don't forget. It was her lunacy that really started the whole problem."
Shari pouted. She wasn't just pouting because of the accusation; she was still in a strait jacket, which she didn't really like. So she had multiple reasons to pout, is my point. "Hey, all I did was make a laser cannon. It's not my fault that Vivio murdered somebody with it!"
"You told me it shot water!" Vivio wailed.
"And it was an accident in any event! All she did was point it and push the button, she wasn't aiming it anyone and she certainly didn't murder anyone!" Fate protested, pulling her daughter into a comforting hug.
"Yeah, at most it was involuntary manslaughter. They'll only put her away for like, ten years." Vita agreed.
"Waaaaaaaaaah!" Vivio said.
"They're not putting her away for ten years." A new voice said, entering the room. "They're not putting her away at all, if I have anything to say about it."
Fate let out a sigh of relief. "Big brother, thank God. Could you please clear this up?"
Chrono Harlaown, Cranagan City's chief of police, strode into the room, which was a great source of hope. He was flanked on either side by Verossa and Vice, which did not provide much hope but was... well, not bad. There were worse people who could have been following him. They weren't wearing sunglasses, possibly as punishment.
"Believe me, I'm trying." Chrono said. "Unfortunately, my efforts are complicated somewhat by the fact that, well, you actually did kill this woman."
"... well, yes, but not on purpose." Hayate said defensively. "Besides, it's only Due. It's not like anybody really cares."
"I care!" A furious feminine voice screeched.
Chrono sighed in annoyance. "Oh. Look. She's here too."
Agent Fourington, who absolutely was not Quattro, strode angrily into the room. "Really, Miss Yagami! Must you disrespect the dead so?"
"... why do you care? Weren't you trying to arrest her for her many, many brutal murders?" Hayate asked.
"Well, yes, but that doesn't mean I didn't respect her!" Agent Quattrington said. "It doesn't mean I didn't admire her tenacity! Her intelligence! Her effortless grace and beauty! Indeed, to know her was to love her, whether she your enemy or your beloved older sister."
Nanoha blinked a few times. "Older sist-" She began.
"That was just a randomly chosen example!" Agent Disguised-Quattro said. "She certainly wasn't my sister, no sir! Just another criminal I had to bring in... not that I ever would have succeeded, given how cunning and ruthless she was. Far too amazing to ever be brought down by dolts like the law. No... no, only the cruel caprices of God could lay her low. Only sheer, blind luck... luck in the hands of an idiot child, no less. To die in such an undignified manner, slain by a loathesome little brat who didn't deserve to be in the same country as her, much less end her distinguished career. And that brat will pay for what she's done. She will pay."
"... ... ..." Everyone else in the room said.
"Um... sorry, went off on a tangent there." Agent Barely-even-bothering-at-all said. "Where was I?"
"Honestly not sure." Chrono admitted.
Fate raised her hand. "Er... Agent Fourington? Not to put too fine a point on it, but would you happen to be Quattro in disguise?"
"We just ask because you really, really seem like Quattro in disguise." Nanoha said.
"... wait, disguise? What disguise?" Vita asked. "I thought that it was a given that she's Quattro."
"I don't know who this 'Quattro' is, though she sounds brilliant and gorgeous." Agent Liar said. "I am merely here as a representative of corrupt, decadent human law."
"Okay, yes, she's Quattro." Teana chimed in. "Does anybody here think she isn't Quattro?"
Subaru raised her hand.
"... put your hand down before I smack you." Tea said coldly.
"I just didn't think I should go along with the crowd, that's all. Peer pressure is bad." Subaru said sheepishly.
"She does have a little Quattro around the eyes." Shamal said hesitantly.
"Quattro." Signum said.
"... why am I in woman's prison? Zafira got to go to prison for men, so why not me?" Erio asked. Caro patted him on the back consolingly.
"Chrono, recent debate in the cell here seems to indicate that we're pretty sure Agent Fourington is a plant." Hayate said.
"Be that as it may, I'm afraid all of her identification checked out." Chrono said.
Verossa chimed in, "And she also has sunglasses."
"Of justice." Vice agreed.
Chrono winced, as if briefly overcome by a long-time pain. "Yes. Yes, she does." He said through gritted teeth. "Look, I personally agree with you all, but her clearances all checked out and the mayor is... ::sigh::... a huge fan of puns, so I've been instructed to give her my full cooperation. I suppose it's possible that she's somehow managed to infiltrate Interpol... though that's incredibly unlikely..."
"As unlikely as a man using advanced cybernetic implants and illegal genetic engineering to spice up his circus acts?" Hayate muttered bitterly. "God, I hate that guy."
"But until I get word from Interpol stating that she's not who she says she is, I've got to play along." Chrono finished.
"Fortunately, I am who I say I am. Just a common agent serving the meaningless laws of the lowly human animals." Agent Quattro Literally Means Four, It's Really Not Even A Good Pseudonym said. "Totally innocent."
"... I'm sure." Chrono said dryly. "Now, if it's not too much trouble, might you explain why you're actually here?"
"Ah! That's right. I came to tell you that my experts have finished analyzing the crime scene."
Verossa looked at his watch. "Really? It's only been like, thirty minutes, and twenty of those were getting all these people back to the station. I mean, that's really not enough time to finish..."
"My experts have finished analyzing the crime scene." Agent Fouringliar said meaningfully. "Haven't you, experts?"
As if on cue... well, okay, not 'as if', just on cue, three women entered the room to flank Agent Totally-Not-A-Villain.
Vivio's breath caught in her throat.
"Oh, crap." Nanoha said, recognizing that reaction and immediately spotting the source. All three women were wearing formal business attire like Agent Yes, That Is Quattro, up to and including the glasses for whatever reason. Two of the three women were redheads, but one of them had a long mane of purple hair that anyone who'd ever seen a poster for Scaglietti Bros. circus would instantly recognize.
"These are my personal panel of experts." Agent I'm Sick of Thinking Up Funny Things to Put Here said. She motioned to her panel of 'experts'. "Agent Wendolyn Evelen, my crime scene analyst."
"Yo, hi!" Wendi said.
"Agent Nina McBeef, head of prisoner transport."
"McBeef?" Nove snarled. "You gave me the last name McBeef?"
"What do you mean, Nina? Clearly that is your name that nobody gave to you?" Quattro said, smiling warmly.
"But it sounds so stupid! What kind of a lame fake name is that?"
Quattro's smiled grew rather strained. "One that's appropriate to the dumb cow who can't remember not to say things like 'fake name'!"
"It's all right. You're fooling precisely nobody." Hayate said.
"Why are they talking about fake names?" Verossa asked.
"Nobody worth fooling." Hayate corrected herself.
"I still say that's a crap name. How come Wendi gets the good name?" Nove sulked. Wendi smacked her upside the head. "Ow! What was that for!"
"You're breaking character, stupid!" She chided. "You gotta remember to stay cool, like me!"
Teana blinked a few times. "You know, this is actually morbidly interesting. It's like watching a trainwreck that just keeps rewinding itself and then wrecking again."
"Why are they talking about fake names?" Subaru asked.
"... ... ..." Teana said. "I'd explain it to you, but I don't think I could keep the venom out of my voice and then I'd feel like I was kicking a puppy."
"There's a puppy?" Subaru asked, eyes gleaming.
Teana tried her hardest not to cry.
"And finally," Agent Fourington said, continuing her introductions, "My staff psychiatrist, Doctor Veronica Klondike."
"Her too? How come I'm the only one whose fake name sucks?" Nove snapped. She then said, "Ow!" as Wendi cuffed her on the back of the head again.
"Good afternoon." Lutecia said, her eyes firmly fixed on Vivio. "I'm here to examine the suspects' state of mind in relation to this crime... I'm especially looking forward to speaking with the young miss Takamachi. I... conducted my graduate thesis on clown psychology. It was very interesting... paradoxically, many clowns are far more seriously devoted to their craft than less comedic professions. Serious, bitter rivalries can form between clowns of comparable skill, even if they've never met. They just... naturally seek to undo one another, to prove that they are the funnier. Neither can rest while the other still performs. Do you know what I mean... Vivio Takamachi?" Lutecia said meaningfully. Her voice was soft, almost intimate, and yet laced with the unmistakable air of challenge.
"Flurgle glfooah." Vivio said, her face going as red as her eye. She couldn't help it... she could smell Lutecia's perfume, she could see the way her hair spilled over her shoulders, she was looking her right in the eyes. And Vivio was making a fool of herself, she knew she was making a fool of herself, but the part of her brain that handled conscious thought was currently in second place to the part of her brain that handled spazzing out.
"... ... ... excuse me?" Lutecia asked. She wasn't quite certain what response she'd been expecting to her veiled challenge... fear, anger, confidence. But it certainly wasn't... whatever the heck this was. "Are you feeling all right?"
Oh, God. Lutecia seemed worried about her. Well, that was the last straw, wasn't it? Her mind exploding in some combination of joy and terror, Vivio fainted.
"I honestly wish I could say I didn't see that coming." Nanoha said. "Okay, this isn't so bad; that time Caro dressed up like Lutecia for Halloween as a prank, Vivio only got out half that many nonsense syllables. Somebody help me elevate her head, and if we could get some water..."
Fate, assured that her daughter was in good hands, looked at her brother pleadingly. "Chrono... about these... individuals."
CHrono sighed sadly. "Yes, yes, I know. Ladies, while I'm sure all of your identification and credentials check out, I don't suppose you could be helpful and show me some sign that you're all actually affiliated with law enforcement."
The three women took off their pointless glasses... and...
Chrono, seeing where this was going, sighed again. "Dammit."
... put on shades.
"They look like law enforcement to me." Verossa said approvingly.