The Fear Within

From My Chains

A/N: Aft is the back of the ship, starboard is the right side, port is the left, helm is the front side where the boat is navigated from, masts are what the sails are attached to, the deck is the... deck and is also the names from all the levels of the ship, hull is the outside/body of the ship, galley is the boat's kitchen, crow's nest is the large lookout post, hall is the inside of the ship, cabins are where the soldiers (Red Wings) sleep, and... I think that's it, for now. Also, boats are always refered to as 'she' for whatever reason.

...

Cecil Harvey looked down from the starboard side of the ship, staring at the clouds that passed lazily by, even in the darkness of night. He was bathed in moonlight, basking in the gentle light of the twin moons, the roar of the propellers barely reaching his ears. He supposed he was used to it by now, being the commander of The Red Wing fleet, the greatest force in all of Baron. He spent many days aboard these cherry red ships, but his favorite was, by far, The Albatross, the ship on which he now stood. She was a great ship, and he thought her somehow more sturdy than the others, a more reliable vessel in a time of need.

"Cecil? Are you really still up at this hour?" the voice of Rosa drifted over the whir of the blades.

He turned to face her, her hair and clothing tousled by the force of the wind as she clutched her blanket around her shoulders. The King had issued that she be present for this expedition; perhaps, he argued, there would be less men injured if they had a healer amoungst their ranks. Cecil had pleaded with His Highness to send another healer, any other healer, but he was vehement that it should be Rosa, and his word was law. So here the White Mage was, aboard his ship, when he would feel much more at ease with her back in Baron, where she would be secure.

"Someone has to keep watch," he informed her, speaking loudly enough to be heard.

"Can you not assign someone the task and get some rest?" she queired. "You're not invincible."

"... No, you're right," he said very sullenly, "I am not."

She looked at him with shock evident in her warm, hazel eyes, leaning across the gaurd rail. She suddenly turned her head away and stared into the night, laughing softly, "you are such a strange man. I never know what you're thinking. I can say the same comment at different times of day and your response will always be different."

He stared at her, hair unkempt, eyes tired, as if she'd been up all night helping those who had been injured in the day's skirmishes, and found the pit in his stomach grow tenfold. Rosa was the kind person who gave of herself until there was nothing left to give, a truly pure individual wth a gentle heart.

She was also a woman of an exquisite beauty. Rosa was shapely, to say the least. Her face was fair of complexion and shaped as a heart. If he were to wrap his arms around her waist he could place his chin on her head. She had golden hair that seemed to be spun of the sun, and it was long and luscious; he was tempted to run his fingers through it.

He shook his head, dispelling these thoughts, and finally responded, "You are always too kind to me."

She stepped up to him, and he could feel himself blanch as she wrapped her arms around the back of his neck and began to unfasten his helm. He grabbed her hands and pushed her back ever so gently, "Rosa-"

But she brushed his hands aside, and he allowed her, for he would have to hurt her to push her away from him. Lightly, her touch barely registering, she removed his helmet, and he turned his face away, averting his gaze. As strange as it seemed she had not seen him helmless since before he became a Dark Knight, nealy four years ago, as his twentieth birthday neared. He had made a point of staying away from her, for things were not like they used to be between the two of them. Everything was was changing.

He was slowly being torn apart by his two best friends. Kain had grown cold and bitter twoard him, and he found it simply unbearable to be around Rosa. He cared for her too much to be near her any longer. His job was too dangerous. There were too many unkowns.

It caused him pain to be near her.

The soft touch of her fingers against the skin of his face drew him back to reality, and sent violent shivers through his body. Before he could register what was happening, her lips were pressed to his, her arms slung loosely about his neck.

Against his better judgment he was kissing her back, though a voice in the back of his head, through the fog of his mind, screamed at him to stop. His arms wrapped automatically around her waist and he pulled her to his chest, feeling her run her hands through his hair repeatedly.

All at once he became too painfully aware of her, and pushed her away a bit rougly, breathing ragedly as he pushed himself against the starboard railing. He stared at her with eyes that he felt must be accusing and somewhat wild.

"You look so much different than I remember," she whispered, her voice shaking with uncertainty. "What happened to the boy that I was best friends with in youth? When was he replaced by the man I see before me?" She laughed nervously.

He didn't say anything for a long moment, trying to calm the raging desire that burned suddenly within him, "you should leave me, Rosa."

His voice was strange, too harsh, a deep raspy growl filled with what was obviously desire. He prayed he didn't frighten her.

Too the contray, it seemed, as she approached him to brush her fingers against his face. Before she could move closer he launched himself backward, moving far enough away so that she would understand he didn't want her to come near him.

"What's wrong, Cecil?" She sounded hurt.

"You're right, Rosa," he said, not daring to look at her in fear that he might do something he would regret. "I am not that boy. I am not that Cecil. I have changed. This," he motioned to the ship surrounding him. "All of this... War, the fleet, The Dark Blade... it has changed me. I'm no longer safe for you to be around, Rosa."

"Cecil is Cecil," she said resolutely. "I don't think you understand yourself at all. I just meant... you look so different," she bravely neared him. "You no longer have the features of a child. You're a man now," she reached out her hands and played with the tips of his long, white hair. "It's written all over your face, but it's mostly in your eyes. They're so... strong."

He stared openly at her then, in blatant shock, feeling himself go slack jawed.

She laughed at him, stepping away and staring off into the sea of clouds below, "you really are an amazing man, Cecil. I just wish you could see it yourself."

"I-"

She placed a finger to his lips, shook her head, and then turned to leave, calling to him over her shoulder, "go to bed, Cecil. I'll see you in the morning."

He was left at the railing to stare after her and dream of a world where they could be together.

...

"Rosa-!"

She flung her arms around his waist, and he automatically returned her embrace, forgeting where they were for a fraction of a second. All that mattered was Rosa, her saftey and health, as she pulled herself impossibly close to him.

"You two will have time for all that romantic stuff later," came the voice of Cid, whose hands were on his waist.

Recluctantly, Cecil released Rosa, seeing the remorse in Kain's face out of the corner of his eyes.

And suddenly he understood.

Still...

"Is that really you?" Rosa asked him suddenly, and he tore his gaze away from Kain to stare down at Rosa, who craddled one of his hands in both of hers. "You... you look like... You look like you're supposed to."

He smied at her, taking the back of one of her hands and pressing it to his lips, "I hope so."

He saw Kain glance away in his peripheral vision, and felt his stomach sink, but now whe undetstood. In order to gain something you must sacrifice something else, though it did not feel right to have to loose Kain. Yet he could not apologize. None of this was really his fault for he could not help what he felt, nor what Rosa felt, nor what Kain felt. It was done. The damage was irrevocable. There was no turning back.

All he could do was move forward.

Rosa was staring at him as if he were an alien, and it made him vaugely uncomfortable, but he understood her shock. He was, for the first time, truly himself. He was no longer wrapped in the throes of darkness, but garbbed in light. He was unafraid.

"You don't have to worry about me, Rosa," he told her, reluctantly releasing her hand. "I'm still your Cecil, but we have to go."

She nodded, and he let her go, trying to cover her flank. He was about to follow her, but Kain stopped him.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," he stared Cecil in the eyes, and Cecil strangely felt taller, though he was several inches shorter than the Dragoon. "I- I never... Take good care of her. If you don't I swear, I'll..."

"I know. I will," he said, uncomfortably, not sure what to say. "Forgive me, for not realizing it sooner. I've only made you both suffer."

Kain looked shocked, "you really have changed, haven't you? What happened to you on Mount Ordeals? Why-?"

"Oi, Cecil! Kain! Hurry your armor plated asses up!" Cid called. "We have to get out of here ASAP!"

"I promise I will tell you later," Cecil said hurriedly, seeing that Rosa was waiting for them at the exit. "It's quite a story."

Kain smirked, almost like their friendship wasn't falling apart, and shook his head, "I'm sure it is."

Cecil smiled and turned to depart, setting himself in his resolve to free himself from his past as completly as he could without leaving those he cared for behind.

...

A/N: As I am currently in the process of playing/buying The After Years this will probably have a sequel from Kain's PoV at some point in the future. Cecil goes through a lot in that game and I want to write about some of it. Plus, I just love me some Kain!