A/N: 5th chapter! I had a few bright ideas since the last chapter, so there will be a few changes; Hazama will now be fighting Tubalcain, who now speaks like an African-American for obvious reasons (he's BLACK!), because he is obviously jacking Haz's style and Sluttycard will be the one fighting the OC, who is a Soviet! Look forward to the random shit that will take place.

The trip to the airport was uneventful, with Alucard not bothering to tease the Police Girl, choosing to sulk instead. Hazama did not troll Alucard not because he was scared of her but rather because he did not want to blow up the car and miss the plane. He had never been to Rio and he did not want to mess this up. Pip had also decided to tag along and spent the trip hitting on Seras.

While they were waiting in line to check in their luggage, Alucard suddenly wanted to go to the restroom. Seras however was nowhere to be seen. Hazama made a mental note to inquire about this later.

Right when Alucard disappeared behind the door to the men's bathroom, resulting in a few men yelping in surprise, the sound of a few gunshots, a few fear-induced screams and finally three men running out of the room with their pants around their ankles and smoking holes in their jackets did two men step in line behind Hazama.

One was of average height and had his long blonde hair pulled back into a ponytail and was dressed in a smart business suit, he looked about twenty. The other, looking to be in his late thirties, was well over seven feet, closer to eight in fact, and built like a tree trunk, solid and unyielding. He had on a brown leather trench coat and gloves with the words "Jesus Christ is in Heaven" inscribed on them. He was blonde as well, but his hair was cropped short in a crew cut and his green eyes sparkled from behind a pair of wire-frame glasses.

Hazama was stunned at the size of the man with the weird gloves, but quickly recovered and offered a friendly smile. Pip just stared and muttered "Sacré bleu…" . The other man smiled back, until he noticed the crest of Hellsing on Hazama's luggage. At this point he pulled out a bayonet from his hammerspace coat.

"So ye be de new recruits at Hellsing, eh Protestant scum?" Big blonde drawled in an Irish brogue. Small blonde said nothing but scowled at Hazama and Pip as if they were something akin to a turd in his tea.

Hazama's demeanor fell at his sudden change of attitude. "What's it to ya, big guy? A man's gotta find a place to sleep and food to fill his belly. She just came and gave me a job after I blew up half a town. Got a beef with that?"

"So ye ain't a Protestant?" Big blonde spat the last word out as if it were something vile and disgusting, like that turd in the tea, only he didn't notice the turd and drank it and then realized that there was fecal matter in the tea.

"No idea what 'Protestant' is either. Is it like a kind of cult or some shit?"

"That would be the correct description of the Protestant, quote unquote, religion." Small blonde piped up, but the way he said the last word suggested that this Protestant thing was undeserving of its status as a religion.

"Tha Protestants are nothin' but a buncha heretics, taking Catholicism an' twisting it with their blasphemy, an' they still haf the cheek to claim ta worship Jesus Christ." Big blonde growled, not bothering to conceal the pure rage that came with his words.

"Whatever you say, you're still talking about my boss and she doesn't like it when people say things about her if they ain't good things, so watch your backs." Hazama suggested out of goodwill.

"Believe me, I know how your boss reacts to insults. After all we were the ones who gave her the information that Millennium's in South Africa, which is where you're headed to, no?" Small blonde said in a much more amiable tone, satisfied that Hazama was not one of them.

Pip took care of the luggage while Hazama chatted with the gentlemen. Seras was still nowhere to be found.

"Well, thanks for the information, I guess. Like, ya guessed, I'm the new recruit at the Hellsing Organization, Hazama. The other guy there is Pip, but we call him Frenchy." Frenchy glared at Hazama but said nothing.

"I am the leader of Section XIII of the Vatican, Iscariot, Bishop Maxwell, and he is my top agent, Father Alexander Anderson. By the way, Anderson, put that thing away before we get arrested."

"Wha?" Anderson murmured in confusion before realizing he had a bayonet clutched tightly in his hand. "Sorry 'bout that." He slipped it back into the fourth-dimensional pocket in his coat.

"I would be lying if I said it was a pleasure to meet you, but it was an entertaining conversation regardless. Ciao." Maxwell said as a farewell as Hazama and Pip left for the departure hall.

"What an asshole. If I had met him anywhere else, I would have skinned him alive." Hazama muttered.

"Good luck with that, friend. Zat big guy next to him looks like he can fight well." Pip said with a shrug.

Alucard popped out of nowhere just as a few police officers ran to the bathroom Alucard just visited. "I see you've met the Judas Priest and his scrawny little excuse for a superior officer." She said conversationally.

"Yeah. We were just talking about how I wanted to rip the small one a few new ones but the big guy would stop me from doing that. Not that sure about the second part though, 'cos if he gets in my way I'll rip him a few new ones too." Hazama answered.

"Don't be so sure. If you can catch Maxwell alone then he wouldn't be much, but Anderson is a different story. He can stand up against me one on one."

Hazama let out a low whistle. He knew first hand that Alucard is one tough cookie. "Oh yeah, what happened to Seras?"

"She's in her coffin. She is not yet strong enough to cross the ocean without sleeping in her coffin that has the soil from her homeland in it." Alucard answered. They did not say anything more as they waited for and boarded the plane.

The flight was uneventful as well. Alucard just slept while Pip hit on the stewardesses. Hazama kept himself amused by watching the in-flight movies. He laughed out loud at Get Smart, a comedic spy flick, but what really got his attention was The Matrix: Revolution, not because of the special effects or story, but because of Agent Smith, in particular how he referred to the main character.(Remember this part, its important!)

They got off the plane at noon and grabbed their luggage before meeting up with the chauffeur who drive them to the Hotel Rio de Janeiro, the best hotel in the country.

"Hey, Alucard. I thought that vampires will burn up in the sun or something." Hazama inquired.

"The sun is no enemy to me. I think of it as a mere annoyance." While it was not killing her off, it certainly made Alucard slightly more irritable.

The entrance hall of the hotel was huge and the walls, floors and pillars were all made of marble. The lounge sported a bar stocked with all kinds of booze and had a really hot bartender, who was well stocked as well, if you catch my drift. Pip made a beeline for the bar.

The receptionist was a young man, in his early twenties. He had a round, boyish face dotted with freckles and his blue eyes crinkled with smile lines behind his round wire-frame glasses.

"Welcome to Hotel Rio de Janeiro. Do you have a reservation?"

"Yes, the penthouse." Alucard answered.

"Ah, the guest who booked the topmost suite. Ms. J.H. Blenner, I presume? Your suite is ready for you."

Hazama took this as his cue to get the porters to get the luggage. "Bring it here guys! Be careful with that, its expensive!" He hollered at them.

"Ma'am, you can't bring parcels that large into the hotel!" The receptionist said in an alarmed tone.

Alucard bent over the counter and snapped his fingers in the receptionist's face. "There's no problem at all."

The receptionist did not make eye contact with Alucard, because she was now a very busty woman, and you know the law of gravity right? No? Well physics says that the larger and the more mass an object has, the larger the effect of its gravity. Apparently Alucard's new boobs are really large and have lots of mass because the receptionist's eyes were gravitating towards her chest area.

"There's no problem at all…" He muttered as if in a trance. Although he did not make eye contact with her which is the requirement for the hypnotism to work, boobs in themselves had the innate ability to hypnotize any straight man or homo woman and this seemed to get the job done just fine.

"You heard the man, move that shit to the top floor." Hazama yelled. He loved bossing people around. He used to be a boss too, a captain in the Library, but not here. He would just have to seize the opportunities as they came by.

They rode the lift to the top floor and walked into the suite, which was more of an apartment than a room. The floor tiles and ornamental pillars were marble and there were potted plants in the sitting room, corridors and bedrooms. Pip walked in after them, a red mark the shape of a hand forming on his cheek.

"Such discrimination! You guys get this suite while I'm staying at a cheap, thirty dollars a night motel!"

Hazama sighed in exasperation. "It's not our fault you decided to come despite not being ordered to. You were told that you had to pay your own way in every way." Pip shut his mouth.

Alucard walked over to one of the coffins and pulled off the sheet covering it with a dramatic flourish. It was made of some wood none of the others had seen before, for it was black as night. Pip even remarked that it was made of coal, earning him a boot to the gonads. There was something written on the lid; "The bird of Hermes is my name, Eating my wings to make me tame."

"Catchy. What's it mean though?" Hazama asked.

"Eet'z taken from ze Ripley Scroll, written by a famous alchemist, George Ripley." Pip gasped while clutching his groin.

"I asked what it meant, not for a history lesson, numb-nuts."

"I cannot feel my family jewels anymore, so I will not take that as an insult." Pip answered, making Hazama scowl for he as the troller was not supposed to be trolled by the trollee.

"Well, I will be taking my leave. I will assist you in the investigations at night for you vampyres prefer to work at night, no?" With that, Pip limped out of them room clutching his groin and cursing in French.

Hazama walked to the balcony and sat down in one of the chairs, taking in the view. Alucard opened up her coffin and went to sleep.

"The snipers in position? What about Assault Team Baba? Good. Is that fine, Mr. Alhambra?" A man asked another. They were inside a tent, one of many pitched outside of the Hotel Rio, all of them bearing the insignia of the Brazilian Military Police.

"Yeah, that shit be perfect. After this you gon' be joinin' us in the land where nothin', not old age or disease can touch us." The other man replied in a stereotypical African-American gangsta accent. He was dressed like something out of Broadway, all white down to his gloves and shoes, a white fedora covering his head and a stylish white coat draped over the chair behind him.

"Are you sure about this, comrade Alhambra?" Another man, this one sounding Russian, inquired. Where the first man was dark-skinned and slim, he was fair and built like a grizzly bear. His black hair was spiked up, making the white steak above his right eye more noticeable. He was dressed like a soldier, only he was not carrying a rifle but a huge triple-barreled chain gun.

"Yeah, it's cool, Heavy Tager. This ain't nothin' but bait to lure those Hellsing bugs out into the open. Knowing Big Red, it's something he can't resist. He'll bite."

"IF you say so, comrade."

Much later, at around 8 at night, a helicopter hovered outside one of the window and an officer started to yell at them in Spanish through a loudspeaker.

"What? Speak English!" Hazama shouted while Alucard went to get her fledgling.

"Wake up, you don't want to miss the party!" She urged.

Seras eyes snapped open. What was I smoking? What the hell kind of a dream was that? She thought while Alucard repeated his earlier sentence. She looked out the window to see the guy with the loudspeaker yelling at Hazama in heavily accented English only to have Hazama yell back in insistence that he speaks comprehensible English.

Just then, the door was kicked in and 8 men ran in, brandishing assault rifles. For some reason, the suite was suddenly empty. One of the men walked up to Alucard's coffin and was about to touch it when Alucard popped out of nowhere and started to yell at them, telling them not to touch it.

The men were too busy ogling her to be scared. They started to converse in Spanish while Alucard preached about not touching the coffin.

"Hey commander, should we just rape the hot chick and then gag her or something? Seems like a right waste for someone this hot to just die."

"Nah, we have orders to shoot to kill. After that then we can do whatever we want."

The subordinates stared at their commander, stunned. "Did you just say what I thought you said?"

"What? You said you'd hit that."

"Not after she's been shot to bloody ribbons!"

"Fine, shoot her sparingly, but aim to kill."

"I am NOT fucking a dead body!"

"Guess that means I don't have to share then."

"If we don't get to do her, you don't either!" With that, the rest of the squad opened fire, reducing Alucard's body to bits and pieces of tattered flesh.

"Hey! Her pussy's still intact!" The commander exclaimed happily while fumbling with his zipper. The rest of the squad looked away in disgust.

In true Alucard style, she started to regenerate her body, limbs and other assorted pieces of stray flesh and blood crawling towards the largest piece of intact Alucard. While this normally scared the living hell out of anyone else who saw this little piece of hell, the squad of military police were either Duke Nukem brave or just plain and simply retarded. Instead, they started debating as to whether Alucard was dead or not.

"She lives! Now we can rape her too!"

The commander blanched and retorted; "No! We shot her to death just moments ago! She's deader than my last girlfriend!"

The rest of the squad stared at the commander in shock again, then decided it would not be prudent to argue and should return to the matter at hand.

Alucard had other ideas and started to go batshit on them, reducing them to a large pile of blood, organs and dismembered limbs in a matter of minutes while Seras sat stunned, not being able to tear her eyes from the horrible spectacle before her. Hazama played around with his knives.

"Ya done?" Hazama asked in a bored tone.

"Yes, the Millennium pigs have declared war on us, but sent us these dogs instead. They were not worth the time taken to slaughter them and I suggest we go and pay them a visit."

Meanwhile, Pip was at his own hotel room watching the news when he saw the news report dictating that Alucard and gang were labeled as terrorists who had gone and killed off all the guests on the top floor. He promptly spat out his beer in shock before recovering and suiting up for a little covert operation.

Back at the hotel, Alucard just lectured Seras on the stupidity of war and that there was no other way to survive one than to kill anyone who was not her friend. Hazama went back to playing with his knives. She was stunned at Alucard's outburst, but nodded her head in understanding, albeit reluctantly.

"Get the coffins and get to the roof, then hijack a helicopter or something. We will go and take care of the people in charge of this farce."

"Uh… Hijack a helicopter, sir?" Seras asked disbelievingly.

"Yeah, it means to go steal a helicopter. It's the only way out." Hazama added in a friendly-sounding tone that had an undercurrent of menace.

Seras gulped and stammered out an affirmative before grabbing the coffins and her cannon and running out.

Alucard and Hazama nodded at each other and Hazama kicked open the front door to see that the corridor was packed with more military police. Hazama dashed towards one and slit his throat with one of his knives while Alucard opened fire with her two oversized handguns.

The corridor was cleared in seconds. They strolled towards the elevator, Hazama grinning like a fox and Alucard's face split in two with the batshit crazy smile we all know and love.

The team guarding the elevator had rushed into the elevator as soon as they saw the two Hellsing operatives make hamburger meat of their teammates and were trying to make a hasty retreat, one of them constantly jamming his finger on the 'doors close' button. No dice.

Hazama threw one of his knives with deadly accuracy, nailing the man frantically pressing the button between the eyes, which rolled up as his body slumped against the buttons, making his teammates have to shove the corpse out of the way before they can get to pressing the button.

Too late. They made it to the elevator. The men inside cowered in fear as they looked upon the man and woman as if they were death itself. At least they were for them. The elevator doors closed as Alucard opened fire at point blank.

The elevator bell dinged, signaling their arrival at the ground floor. The doors opened, revealing Hazama who was glaring at Alucard and trying to wipe off the blood on his coat while Alucard reloaded. They passed through the lounge and dispatched the soldiers waiting to ambush them.

"Remember how I was talking to Seras that these people made a rather lousy attempt at declaring war?" Alucard asked Hazama.

"Yeah, why?" Hazama was not sure he really wanted to know, judging from the smile on Alucard's face.

"I'm going to show them how it's done." She said as she moved to pick up eight of the bodies lying about.

There was a veritable crowd gathered in front of the Hotel Rio, throngs of reporters held at bay by an extensive police blockade. Tubalcain and his colleague were at the front of the rabble. They took a few steps forward, waiting.

Just then, the windows on the front of the hotel shattered, the damage caused by eight soldiers who were for some reason airborne. They flailed their limbs as they fell, all of them being impaled on the flagpoles in front of the building. The crowd fell silent as they struggled to comprehend what just happened while Tubalcain just clapped and Tager grinned, anticipating a good fight.

The doors were kicked open by Hazama, with Alucard at his side. "The night is young! Come forward Millennium! Let us do battle!"

A/N: For pacing purposes, I'll stop the chapter here so I will have more to write in the future, and also because it will give me more time to think up of more gags. As always, leave a review so I can work on your suggestions.