Sorry it's been so long but I got a little bit distracted by 'New year' one of my latest 4WS saga instalments. Needless to say I am very embarrassed for letting this story suffer as a result of my divided attention and I can only apologize for not posting this chapter sooner.
Just one quick question, hands up if you thought the next day was going to work out smoothly for the pair? ... Yea, me neither.
I hope you enjoy and please review so I know what you think :o)
Unexpected
Cloud's head was a mess as he sat at the small dining table and looked towards the distant night sky, his mind a raging storm of conflicting thoughts and feelings. The dream which had woken him was still there, the terrifying images still playing on a constant loop behind his eyes for him to see over and over again. There was no way to escape the haunting events which had taken place within his subconscious, no freedom from the traumatising words which still echoed in his ears. The blonde closed his eyes and drew in a shaky breath, a hand instinctively moving to hold his stomach as the nauseous feeling swept through him once more. That had been the reason or him getting up so early, so that he could be sick after such a terrifying nightmare, but it was not why he now found himself alone in the living room.
The explanation for his self appointed isolation was much more complicated than that, the endless bombardment of fears and uncertainty making sleep almost impossible for him now. Cloud knew that it all stemmed from what he had done yesterday, his actions within the gym and striking a superior officer being something which could not go unpunished. The cadet knew that it just wasn't possible for everything to be alright as Zack had said it would be, because deep down inside he understood that something needed to happen. His assault on the general was insubordination in its simplest form, a crime for which he should have been reprimanded immediately. But nothing had happened to him that evening, no one had come to take him away for a disciplinary hearing or imprisonment within one of the cells on the base.
This had been the reason for his nightmare, the fear of Sephiroth coming after him in the night to exact his own revenge for the crime committed. Again he felt the imagined sensation of the general's sword impaling his body, the envisioned pain causing him to shudder and the breath he took to catch in his throat. A small whimper passed over parted lips before it could be stopped, the blonde allowing a moment of fear to show before he quickly sealed it away deep within himself. The emotion fought as it was forced away, the last remaining sensations leaving Cloud with the need to go back into the bedroom and hold the soldier tight. But he couldn't do that now, not after he had found the dirty clothes in the laundry basket and detected the unmistakable smell. There was no way the material should have held that scent, not unless Zack had gone out while he slept and left him behind. The cadet could think of only one reason why the soldier would do such a thing, his already tortured mind twisting the pain of the discovery and leaving him feeling betrayed. Cloud felt his chest tighten as the voice in his head convinced him that Zack was attempting to move on, was distancing himself from the foolish cadet who had basically committed career suicide with his own stupidity.
A lone tear broke free and travelled gracefully down over a pale cheek, the single drop being the only sign that Cloud had accepted this possibility. It was for the best after all, that all the things which the soldier had been working for his entire life were protected. The cadet couldn't understand why they hadn't come for him yet but he knew that they would, just like he was certain that Zack's life was more important than his own. With a new sense of purpose and determination the blonde picked up the pencil beside the pad in front of him and began to write, the words now pouring from his mind as his hand frantically tried to explain it all on paper. Once more his heart began to ache painfully as he tried to express himself, the need to say goodbye in his own way burning intensely within him, before fate could intervene and silently tear them apart forever.
It was a few hours later before the soldier finally awoke to the morning light, his hand blindly reaching out for the cadet who should have been lying beside him. When he found nothing but air and the feel of cold sheets against his fingers Zack knew that Cloud had been gone for a while. Cursing softly under his breath the soldier quickly rose from their bed and made his way towards the door in search of the blonde, his calloused palms rubbing firmly against bleary eyes as he tried to clear the remaining sleep from his sight.
Back inside the living room Cloud was becoming increasingly annoyed, the pencil in his hand being absentmindedly chewed to pieces as he struggled to express himself properly. With a deep irritated sigh the cadet looked back down at the pad in front of him, the words he had written still not right for what he was trying to say. With a frustrated growl Cloud threw the pencil back on the table and grabbed at the top sheet of paper, forcefully tearing it free of the spiral binding and screwing it into the tightest ball possible.
"Damn it, why can't I get this right?" The blonde snarled, his hands now threading through his golden spikes and pulling firmly at the roots.
"Get what right?" A cautious voice asked from across the apartment, causing Cloud to look up in surprise.
Angry blue eyes came up to level with shocked and concerned violet spheres, the unexpected expressions leaving both momentarily speechless as they simply stared at each other in silence.
"Spiky?" Zack asked nervously, his instincts screaming that something was wrong and that it was bad.
"You went out last night." Cloud noted, the even tone not revealing much but letting him know it was pointless to argue.
"Yea, I did." The soldier admitted, his whole body now feeling very heavy as he slumped against the bedroom doorframe. "How did you know?"
"Because I found your clothes in the washing basket earlier." The cadet replied as he looked away, his eyes closing to conceal the conflicting emotions being felt within.
The action had not been quick enough and Zack had seen the anger being replaced, had seen what the blonde was trying to hide and knew it was his fault. It had been a foolish mistake on his part, the shower getting rid of the smell on him but not on his clothes. The soldier silently cursed his own stupidity for not being more careful, then realising the deceit involved in what he had been thinking scolded himself for allowing such traitorous thoughts to enter his mind. How could he have an open and honest relationship with someone if he was already keeping things from them.
"Cloud look at me, please." Zack begged softly, his body remaining in place although it fought to move and hold the blonde tight.
"Why?" The cadet breathed, the word barely a whisper in the quiet room.
"Because I need you to see that what I'm about to say is the truth."
A small biter chuckle escaped pale pink lips and the soldier felt his inside grow cold, the tension between them somehow increasing because of his words.
"If you wanted to tell me the truth you wouldn't have tried to hide it from me." Cloud pointed out bluntly, his eyes still remaining closed and his body still turned away.
"I haven't hidden anything from you." Zack informed him gently.
"Then why didn't you tell me you were going out?"
"Because I hadn't planned on doing it." The soldier replied carefully. "You were asleep when Reno turned up and I didn't want to wake you."
"So you just left me."
This time the words were not cold or empty of emotion, in fact the hurt and betrayal felt within them was almost something you could touch. Zack staggered as the sensations hit him and felt his heart slam painfully into the walls of his chest, his legs carrying him towards the cadet before he realised he was even moving. Powerful arms were wrapped around Cloud's torso in seconds, the strong limbs holding on fiercely as the cadet struggled and fought to pull away.
"Get off me!" The blonde roared in his ears, the pain and anger so evident in his voice.
"No, I'll never let you go." Zack retorted, as he tightened his grip and took the kicks and blows which Cloud's restrained body was able to produce.
"You left me last night." The cadet bellowed, his words making the soldier flinch as the guilt hit him harder than any physical injury.
"I didn't leave you Cloud. I went out so Reno and I could talk and then I came home, I came home to you."
It was with these words that the struggling instantly stopped, the enraged body in his arms suddenly going stiff as the tension remained but the need to escape was momentarily halted.
"Did ... did you talk ... about me?" The blonde stammered nervously, his mood suddenly changing from enraged to uncertain.
"Yes, we talked about you." The soldier confirmed gently, his tone softening as he felt the smaller body in his arms start to tremble. "That's why we went out, so we could talk without you feeling self-conscious."
"I thought you ... that you ... that ..."
Zack felt his heart being ripped in two as Cloud's words became broken and mixed with small painful sobs, as the tears which had been silently building were suddenly let free. He immediately changed his hold on the smaller form into a gentle embrace, the grip being just as firm as before but now filled with love and comfort rather than panicked restraint. He almost wept when the cadet's arms slowly came up to try and hold him back, the slender limbs desperately attempting to free themselves and move round his torso. A second later and the soldier had adjusted the angle of their bodies so that he was balanced on his knees in front of the blonde, the new position allowing Cloud the freedom to complete the embrace between them.
"Ssssshhhh, it's ok." Zack soothed, as the smaller body rocked against him.
"Don't leave me, please, don't leave me."
The words were muffled against his chest, the voice thick with tears and choking emotion, and the soldier felt his heart break completely.
"I'm not going anywhere." He whispered tenderly, his embrace tightening to show that he meant every word.
The next few minutes were filled with a strange sense of peace, as the tension in Cloud's body began to ease and his tearful sobs calmed. Neither spoke as the cadet's hands slowly screwed up into fists, the fingers gripping the back of the soldier's top and pulling them even closer together. For a moment there was only silence between them, the lack of words being shared giving the soldier a chance to look around himself and finally notice the small pile of screwed up paper on the table.
"Spiky, what were you writing?" Zack asked fearfully, his chest tightening in a sudden unexplainable panic when Cloud hesitated to answer.
"I ... I was trying to ... say goodbye." Was the stammered and pain-filled reply, the words digging into the soldier's chest and cutting his heart out in one go.
"Why?" Was all Zack managed to gasp.
"I thought it was for the best." Cloud sobbed, as he buried his head further into the soldier's chest.
"Gaia, why would you think that? I mean, after everything we've been through ... after how far we've come."
"I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry, just tell me why."
Zack knew he was pushing the issue and hated himself for doing it but this time he couldn't let it go, couldn't let whatever had come between them be allowed to continue or grow stronger.
"They're going to kick me out for what I did." The cadet choked, his voice filled with such certainty it made the soldier's insides twist into knots.
"No, no they're not." He quickly replied, his body moving back so that he could see the blonde's face better.
"But I hit the general." Cloud gasped in disbelief, his frightened blue eyes shooting up to meet with Zack's.
Instead of seeing denial or fake reassurance the cadet saw only truth, the soft wonder and love in the soldier's eyes shining down on him in absolute certainty.
"It's insubordination Zack, they have to do something." The blonde managed, before his voice was lost to the lump in his throat.
"I don't know what's going to happen and I won't until I see Angeal." The soldier began carefully. "All I do know is that, if they were going to do something it would have been done already."
"What?"
"They would have done it already." Zack repeated before sighing heavily.
It took Cloud a minute to realise what the soldier had said and to understand the implications of the unspoken words, the suggestion that nothing had happened yet because nothing was going to happen.
"They have to punish me Zack, they have too." The cadet stammered as he pulled away, his tearful eyes now going wide with a different kind of fear.
"It was an accident, you didn't mean to do it." The soldier protested in shock, his mind struggling to keep up with the blonde's see-sawing emotions.
"But I still did it." Cloud argued, his voice becoming cold and hard as the anger slowly returned.
"Spiky it's ..." Zack began, his attempt to calm the cadet down again failing miserably before it even had a chance.
"Don't, don't you dare say it's ok." Cloud cut in furiously, his body out of the soldier's embrace completely now and moving to stand a few feet away.
Zack looked up in surprise, his eyes widening at the desperation within the blonde's voice as he all but begged to be disciplined for something he hadn't meant to do. Their eyes met across the short distance between them and it took the soldier a minute to see and understand the look of fear only just visible in Cloud's eyes.
"You're scared." He said slowly, the surprised words receiving a flicker of panic from the blonde before the look turned into a deathly glare.
"No, I'm not?" The cadet spat back, the barely contained rage now glowing intensely within his eyes.
"Yea, you are." Zack replied firmly, his own irritation quickly coming to the surface. "You've convinced yourself that something bad has to happen, that either your kicked out of here or I'll leave you because ... because that's what you ... expect."
There was a momentary pause in his speech as the soldier's mind suddenly put the pieces together, a bitter chuckle escaping his lips as it all began to make sense.
"Oh Gaia, I get it now." Zack choked, his expression being one of shock, hurt and anger. "You still think that because nothing good ever happens to you, that this ... this incident was like some personal evil twist of fate against you."
"You don't know what you're talking about." Cloud growled back defensively.
"Don't I?" The soldier retorted, his words now breaking up as he fought to get them out through the lump forming in his throat. "You ... you couldn't accept the idea of actually being happy for once, that maybe it was ... alright. Gaia you ... you even prepared yourself to let it all go."
"What did you expect me to do, just sit around and hope everything was going to be alright?" Cloud spat back angrily.
"I didn't expect you to give up on me so quickly." The soldier shot back, the pain he felt being given a voice amongst the storm of emotions now raging between them. "I didn't expect you to give up on us."
"I never gave up on you or us." The blonde yelled back, his rising panic being missed as the words between them became more heated.
"Yes you did damn it, you were trying to say goodbye, remember." Zack managed before his voice cut off completely, his arm sweeping out to the side and indicating the several pieces of screwed up paper lying on the table beside him.
"I told you, I thought it was for the best." The cadet whispered harshly, his eyes no longer able to meet with the soldier's.
"Who's best Cloud, because it sure as hell isn't mine?" Zack asked bluntly, his voice now bitter and laced with pain.
"You don't understand?"
"No, clearly I don't. I thought we were getting somewhere, but I guess I got that wrong as well if you're willing to give up on it so quickly."
"Don't say that." The cadet pleaded softly, his breath now coming in short sharp gasps as he fought not to break down and cry again.
"Then talk to me." The soldier shouted, slamming his fist down on the table in frustration.
The sound of his hand hitting the thick wooden surface was loud, the sudden noise of the impact making the cadet jump and instantly stagger backwards away from him. It took Zack a minute to realise what he had done, that the distance between them was now even greater than before because of his actions.
"I'm sorry." He managed, his face turning away so he wouldn't have to see the scared look currently displayed on Cloud's delicate features.
"It's my fault." The cadet replied softly, his voice and body both trembling noticeably now.
"Just tell me why this is so important to you, why you can't let it go."
For a moment there was only silence as the blonde tried to work out what to say, while the soldier waited restlessly for a response he wasn't even sure he was going to get.
"The others have to know that it can't be allowed." Cloud began faintly, his feet shifting nervously where he stood. "They have to know that what I did was wrong."
"You mean you're freaking out because it might, what, cause more problems with the other cadets?" Zack asked in disbelief.
"It's not just that." The blonde argued, his annoyance at the soldier's tone giving him strength to be angry again.
"Then what is it?"
"What I did was wrong, they can't see me being allowed to get away with it."
"Why? Because it will make things harder for you?"
"You think I care about them, about what they think of me?" The cadet choked back, his rage now returning with every breath.
"Yea, actually I do." The soldier replied firmly.
"I'm couldn't care less what they ..." Cloud began furiously, before he was cut off.
"Stop!" The soldier order harshly, his hand coming up to signal the blonde to be quiet before he could finish.
The silence which suddenly surrounded them was thick and heavy, the air almost suffocating Zack as he stood up to his full height and slowly brought his eyes up to meet with Cloud's. Their gazes met with equal looks of anger and hurt, the combined expressions being like the reflection of a mirror so that each could see exactly what they were feeling on the others face.
"You have no right to be angry at me if you can't be honest with yourself." The soldier began, his words sounding colder and more distant than he wanted them too.
"You're the one who snuck out last night and left me here alone." Cloud snapped back, his shoulders tensing and his hands curling into fists at his sides.
"For a start you weren't alone, there was someone watching over you, and secondly I've already told you I was not about to wake you up when you clearly needed the sleep."
"You ... you left me with a ... a babysitter." The cadet retorted in furry, his body unconsciously taking up a battle ready stance.
"Damn it Cloud, why are you pushing for this? What the hell are you really afraid of?" Zack shouted as he took in the sight.
Before the cadet could respond the soldier's phone rung, the sound cutting through the friction and making both men jump at the sudden interruption. Cursing softly Zack turned and made his way across to the kitchen worktop where he had left it the night before, his hand shaking noticeably as he lifted the device up and flipped it open.
"What?!" He growled down the phone, while keeping his back to the blonde.
"Zack, what's wrong?" Angeal asked, the harsh greeting he had received making him worry.
"Nothing. Something. Maybe everything." The soldier replied, the anger in his voice barely being restrained as he spoke.
"Zack, has something happened?"
"Yea." The soldier confirmed with a heavy sigh before continuing. "Are we still on for meeting later or is that why you called?"
"Actually I called to check that you still wanted to meet." Angeal replied carefully, his tone being light but tinted with concern.
"I think Cloud needs to be there as well." Zack informed him evenly, the request being more of a statement of fact than anything else.
"Then we should meet earlier, so that he is not late for class." Angeal noted calmly, again choosing to ignore the uncharacteristic behaviour being displayed.
"Seven then, at your office." The soldier proposed, his eyes momentarily flicking towards the kitchen clock to check the time.
"I will see you there." The commander confirmed, before hanging up without saying goodbye.
Zack didn't bother looking behind himself to know that Cloud was still watching him, that the cadet's blue eyes were now burning a hole into his back.
"Get washed and dressed, we have an appointment to keep." He ordered sternly, his hands shaking as he slowly lowered the phone back onto the worktop.
"Yes Sir." The blonde replied just as coldly, before he turned and disappeared into the bathroom.
The soldier remained where he was as the door was slammed shut, waited until he could hear the sound of water running inside the room and knew that Cloud would not see what he was now trying to hide. This time when Zack's eyes came up to face the world around him they glowed with a green fire of their own, the soft violet almost completely drowned in the mako which now burned through him.
"I don't know why you're suddenly trying to push me away, but it's not going to happen." He whispered harshly at the closed door.
A second later and the soldier was making his way through the apartment towards the bedroom to get dressed, his mind in turmoil over what had just happened and silently working on the apology he now owed Angeal.