I'm afraid this is a slightly longer chapter than normal, but unlike 'friends talk' it felt wrong to try and break it into two seperate pieces.
I hope you enjoy it and as always please review at the end :o)
Trying to explain why
The walk to Angeal's office was unbearable for both soldier and cadet, the tension between them so thick that neither could breathe properly. Both knew that something needed to be said about what had just happened, that the argument couldn't be left unresolved for too long without it only making things worse. But instead of trying to talk about it they remained silent, each one of them lost to his own troubled thoughts about it all and unable to find the words which were needed.
For Zack there was the whirlwind of concerns about Cloud's behaviour, the sudden mood swings and emotional outbursts leaving him feeling dazed and confused. One minute he had been trying to calm the blonde down and then the next holding the cadet as he broke down in tears, only to watch him become enraged and begin shouting once more. There was just no logic to the turn of events, the way Cloud had gone from holding on tightly in fear of being punished to then arguing that it had to happen. The soldier felt his head begin to ache, the throbbing sensation joining the pain in his chest and making him feel even more nauseous than before. He still couldn't believe that the cadet had been so ready to give up on them, had actually started to say goodbye without even knowing what was going to happen. Zack knew that this was what hurt the most and stopped him from speaking now, the idea that Cloud was willing to fight for a punishment he didn't deserve but not to save their relationship.
Had the soldier actually looked at the cadet walking beside him, he would have known that he was not the only one to be affected so strongly by the harsh words they had shared. He would have seen the similar confliction thoughts and feelings also flowing through the blonde's body, the pain and frustration swimming within Cloud's damp eyes almost a reflection of his own. But because he kept his face turned away he missed it all, blindly allowing his own anger to stop him from seeing what the cadet was only just able to hide.
For Cloud there was no turning back now, his decision about what needed to be done making the growing tension between them seem necessary. The silence had given him time to think, his mind racing over what had been said and realise that perhaps Zack had been right about his fears. He was scared of what the others would think, of how they would react if he wasn't punished, but not in the way that the soldier imagined. The incident with Kane had added to his own experiences, the combination of the two now being the fuel for his growing concerns. At the end of the day the cadet knew that he was nothing more than a grunt, a pathetic nobody in the ShinRa army, but Zack and Angeal were so much more and that needed protecting. With a new sense of fierce determination burning within him Cloud fought the urge to apologize, his heart racing wildly as he struggled to hold back the words of regret which threatened to escape.
They arrived at Angeal's office just before seven and the soldier was almost relieved to find the commander already there, his presence meaning that they wouldn't have to wait outside in more uncomfortable silence. The first thing out of Zack's mouth was the apology he owed, the words he had said on the phone being both unacceptably blunt and spoken in a disrespectful way.
"I'm sorry ... about before ... on the phone. I was a little bit ... I was ... uuummm."
Here the soldier paused uncertainly and drew in a nervous breath before trying to speak again, the planned explanation no longer making sense to his own mind. There was just no way to account for the rude behaviour without drawing attention to the argument which had caused it, the fight between himself and Cloud not really being something he wanted the commander to know about. It was a foolish thing to try and hide though and Angeal quickly worked out the reason for Zack's troubled state. It had taken him a matter of seconds after opening the office door to feel the emotions radiating off the pair, the barely concealed hurt and frustration washing of them both in waves.
"Your apology is accepted Zack, however ..." The commander began his eyes levelling with them both. "I am more concerned with why it happened."
At first neither soldier nor cadet spoke, both remaining silent as they stood in front of him and the undeniable cloud which hung over them darkened. A small shudder ran along Angeal's spin as the intensity of their emotions tingled along his mako enhanced senses, the uncomfortable sensation being one he wanted gone immediately.
"I take it you two have fought." He noted evenly, as he signalled that they should both sit down.
"You could say that." Zack grumbled, as he slumped into the nearest chair.
Cloud however remained quiet as he continued to stand, his firm stance being that of a cadet at ease but still being held within formal military ranks. Both commander and soldier noted the formality that was being displayed, the actions only adding to Zack's already strained nerves so that he growled out the next command.
"Sit down."
Angeal's eyes momentarily widened in shook, the tone of the soldier's voice and the obvious irritation radiating from his body being something he was not accustomed too. Whatever had happened between them it had been serious, the way they now interacted being a sure sign that it was not about to get better anytime soon. Thankfully Zack's eyes had been all for the cadet as he spoke the order, the violet spheres darkening slightly at the obvious dislike for having to speak to the blonde in such a way. Cloud however had yet to look at either of them, the pale blue orbs almost void off all emotion as he focused on a point past their faces and took a seat as instructed.
"Zack, perhaps it would be best if I spoke with Cloud alone first." He suggested calmly, before they could begin.
"Why?" The soldier snapped, his enraged eyes flashing up to meet with the commanders before he caught himself and quickly looked away.
"I don't know what has happened between you, but right now neither of you is acting in a way that I am comfortable with." Angeal informed them both firmly. "Zack, I can see the mako glowing in your eyes and it worries me."
"I can handle it." The soldier huffed, as he shifted restlessly in his chair.
"Perhaps, but I am not willing to take that chance." The commander replied calmly. "You are to report to the VR training rooms and use the first available one for at least an hour's workout."
"What?" Zack gasped in surprise, the anger faltering slightly as he stared at the commander in disbelief. "You can't be serious Angel."
"I am very serious, now I suggest you go before I make it two hours."
"Yes Sir." The soldier replied evenly as he stood to leave.
Angeal drew a breath to say something else, his lips forming the words but his mind knowing that it was pointless to speak them at that moment in time. Instead he remained silent as the door was wrenched open and then slammed shut as Zack left, the sound echoing loudly around the remaining occupants in the now uncomfortably quiet room. With a heavy sigh the commander turned his attention towards the cadet and allowed the frown on his face to deepen, his annoyance at the blonde being very evident in his darkened expression.
"I have rarely seen him so upset." Angeal noted icily, his eyes now focusing completely on Cloud. "Whatever you have said or done has hurt him deeply and I will not stand for that."
It was by pure chance that he saw the flicker of approval in the cadet's eyes, the emotionless expression cracking for a brief second and showing what could only be described as satisfaction. The anger which suddenly flowed through the commander was like a fire reborn, the need to protect his puppy once again burning strongly within his veins. In the blink of an eye Angeal was up and out of his chair, one large hand now curling into a tight fist as it grasped the front of the blonde's uniform and violently wrenched the cadet up and out of his seat.
Cloud barely had time to draw breath before he felt the impact of his back slamming painfully into the wall behind him, the unexpected assault causing his heart to start racing wildly within his chest. The shock of the attack instantly froze the cadet's mind and prevented him from fighting back, a reaction which in any other situation he would have cursed himself for. But on this occasion the blonde was actually grateful that his instincts had been delayed, the brief seconds giving him a chance to realise any retaliation at this point would have only made things worse. Instead of trying to break free Cloud allowed himself to be forcefully pinned against the hard surface, the powerful grip holding him effortlessly so that his feet now dangled several inches off the floor.
"How dare you." The commander breathed against the cadet's face. "How dare you hurt him and take pleasure in it."
"I'm not." Cloud growled back, his eyes now meeting Angeal's and revealing the storm of emotions raging within him. "I'm trying to protect him."
"From what?" The commander demanded, his fist tightening and adding a little more pressure against the blonde's chest.
"From me." The cadet replied evenly.
"We have already had this discussion, he will not give up on you that easily."
"Then you have to make sure that the right thing happens and he stays safe."
"Are you threatening him?" Angeal roared, his brown eyes suddenly taking on a faint green glow.
"No, but if I'm not punished for what happened yesterday it will hurt him." Cloud whispered, the certainty in his words making the growing tension between them suddenly crack.
Almost instantly the blonde was released from his restrained position and dropped to the floor, where shaky knees only just held him up as his feet hit the ground. Strong-willed yet hesitant blue eyes briefly connected with confused and shocked brown, the expressions on their faces revealing more than words ever could at that point in time. It was only now that the commander realised what the cadet was trying to do, the unexpected turn of events leaving him momentarily startled as he took a couple of steps back and tried to gather himself again.
"Is that what this is all about, you want to be punished?" Angeal asked, his words coming out a little breathlessly as he struggled to say them.
"I don't want it, but it is necessary. Even you should understand that." Cloud replied grimly, his head bowed low as he spoke.
"General Sephiroth has already excused your actions as being accidental."
"It was an act of insubordination and that cannot be allowed." The blonde argued firmly, his head finally coming up to face the commander properly.
Angeal felt his chest tighten as he looked into Cloud's eyes and saw the determination burning brightly within them, the cadet's resolve never wavering as he argued for something which they both knew should be given.
"Is this what you and Zack fought about?" The commander enquired evenly, as he moved back behind his desk and sat down.
"Yes." Cloud responded, his voice barley a whisper as he remained leaning against the wall for support.
"I get the impression there is more to this than what you are telling me, so I suggest you start talking."
This time when the blonde looked up at Angeal the regret was very clear in his eyes, the sky blue spheres now softening and becoming damp as the cadet turned away and wiped at them furiously. The commander gave him a minute to calm down and pull himself together, then waited patiently as the blonde slowly made his way back towards the chairs and sunk into one.
"He went out last night and left me with a ... a babysitter." Cloud began hesitantly, his voice now a mixture of hurt and annoyance.
"Would you have preferred to be left alone?"
"I ... I don't ..."
"You have no right to control his life Cloud, to say if and when he can go out." Angeal interrupted as the cadet's words faltered uncertainly. "You should also know that he would not have gone unless someone had been there to watch over you, to make sure you were safe."
"I know." The blonde sighed, his head bowing forward so that he could look at the floor as they continued to speak.
"So that was only part of it." The commander guessed wearily, as he slumped down against the back of his chair.
"I thought I was going to be kicked out for what I did and then when I found out that he had gone drinking I ... I was angry."
"Just angry?" Angeal asked carefully, the flicker of fear he had seen revealing there to be more to the cadet's story.
"Yes, no, damn it." Cloud swore in frustration, his body instantly tensing as he realised the mistake.
Instead of scolding him for cursing Angeal simply frowned again and expressed his displeasure with a deep breath, the heavy sigh having more affect on the blonde than any words could have.
"I ... I got this stupid idea in my head that he ... that he was going to leave me." The cadet managed faintly, as the admission forced a lump to rise in his throat.
"May I ask why?" The commander enquired carefully, as he suddenly realised that the blonde was slowly opening up to him in a way which he had not expected.
"I've never ... I've never had someone ..." Cloud began nervously, the words faltering as his voice cracked slightly at the confession.
Angeal waited patiently for the cadet to continue, the desire to know more steadily growing within him as he took in the blonde's appearance. There was no denying that Cloud was struggling with whatever he was trying to say, the conflicting emotions being felt now visible as a ranging storm within his eyes. The hurt, the anger, the regret, the fear, it was all there to see as clear as day, the tension throughout the cadet's body so painfully obvious as he fought to explain himself. But however much the commander wanted to ask he knew that these things could not be rushed, that if he pushed Cloud for information now it would only ruin the trust which had started to form between them. It was therefore a relief when the cadet continued to speak, the words being almost heartbreaking to hear as they were softly spoken, the blonde's eyes no longer meeting Angeal's but once again focused on the floor.
"I've always been alone." Cloud admitted sadly.
"You have mentioned this before." The commander pointed out gently, his voice now carrying a calm soothing tone so as not to upset the blonde more.
"And you told me that there was a darkness in being alone." Cloud replied timidly, as he continued to look away.
"Yes, I did." Angeal agreed hesitantly.
Again there was as short pause in the conversation as the cadet drew in a slow breath and appeared to be gathering himself, his hands now clasped tightly together.
"Zack is my ... he's the light in my darkness." Cloud whispered almost fearfully, his hands squeezing together so that the knuckles now turned white. "I don't know what I'd do if ... if ..."
This time the silence which descended upon them was thick and heavy, the unspoken words practically screaming through their heads.
"Does he know this?" The commander began slowly, his own concerns now bubbling dangerously close to the surface.
"Yes." The cadet whispered in response. "He ... he knows about our talk and what was said."
"But does he know how you feel?" Angeal pushed gently, remembering to keep his voice light.
"I ... I think so." Cloud replied unsure now, his eyes becoming lost and almost afraid at the idea that perhaps Zack didn't know. "I told him about ... about some things and I think he understood."
"Has he given you a reason to doubt him or how he feels for you?"
"No. No he hasn't." The cadet replied with a sad sigh, his head shaking in disapproval of his own actions. "I overreacted because of what happened yesterday and then when we started arguing it all just got out of control."
"You let your emotions guide your thoughts." The commander pointed out tentatively, the words needing to be said but his instincts warning that they may not be accepted.
To his relief Cloud only nodded softly in agreement, the discussion between them now giving the blonde a chance to reflect on how things had gone and see what had not been seen before.
"I'm not used to showing my emotions, not like this." The cadet explained, the words barely registering in his head before they found a voice to be heard. "I've always kept them inside where no one could see, where they couldn't be used against me." There was a brief pause as Cloud drew a shaky breath, his eyes dampening slightly as the words being spoken finally began to affect him. "I've never had any ... friends, not real friends that I could talk to, and because I was alone it became easier to ... to just do what was needed without feeling, or at least not showing how I felt."
"And Zack changed that?" Angeal noted with a soft smile, his heart warning to know that there was probably no one else who could have done it.
"Yes." The blonde replied also smiling softly now, his eyes beginning to glow faintly with a growing look of warmth and affection for the soldier. "He made me ... he made it ok to feel good again, to smile and laugh and ... and be happy."
The commander had not missed how the last part had been said, the final words tainted with a hint of sadness that made his heart clench tightly. Once more he began to wonder what had happened in Cloud's life to make him so withdrawn, the unknown past now being a foundation for disturbingly strong walls and defences to protect him from the world.
"It would appear that he has done more than that." Angeal proposed carefully, his words halting until the cadet looked up at him questioningly.
"I don't understand." The blonde replied nervously, his voice becoming guarded as their eyes met.
Angeal swore softly and chastised himself for making the statement, his intention to get Cloud to see the fight as a good thing having possibly gone horribly wrong.
"Zack has a natural talent for getting people to open up." The commander began cautiously, as he took in the cadet's unease state. "The fact that you two have argued so ... heatedly shows that he has made more of an impact on your life than you are aware of."
"But it was a ... I mean we ... we argued." Cloud stammered in a small confused panic.
"Yes you did, but that in itself is something." Angeal noted calmly, as he settled more comfortably in his chair. "Quarrels or disputes between people who care for each other are always based on emotions and the fight which ensues is always filled with these sensations as they are expressed."
"So, you're saying that us fighting is a ... a good thing?" The cadet murmured uncertainly, his expression clearly revealing his doubt over the idea.
"Perhaps not a good thing, no." The commander replied with a soft chuckle. "But in your case I believe that it has been ... beneficial."
It took Cloud less than a minute to put the pieces together and see the point Angeal was trying to make, his whole body snapping upright on the chair as he gasped in surprise.
"Because to argue I had to be showing how I felt." The cadet breathed happily, his sky blue eyes now shining brightly as he began to understand.
"Exactly." He confirmed happily, as the blonde began to smile.
But no sooner had the joyful light appeared then it was gone again to be replaced by a look of growing fear, the sudden unexpected change catching the commander off guard.
"Oh Gaia, I hurt him." Cloud choked, as the whole fight replayed in his head in a flash. "I was so caught up in my own feelings that I didn't think about his, about what he was going through."
"Zack is a very forgiving person and for you I believe that goes double." Angeal reassured the now clearly upset cadet. "He will calm down soon enough and once you have explained everything to him I'm sure he will understand."
"But I ... I hurt him." Cloud repeated, this fact still weighing heavily on his conscience.
"You hurt him with expressed emotions and harsh words, not silence or abandonment." The commander pointed out, while trying not to smile at how things were turning out for the better. "These are things which he will understand more than you realise."
"Could you ... I mean ... after this, will you talk to him for me ... please?"
"On this occasion I will, but only because this is the first time it has happened and because you have asked. In the future I will leave it up to the pair of you to sort out your problems."
"Thank you." The cadet breathed softly, his mind still trying to process everything which had happened in such a short space of time.
It was only as he heard Angeal agreeing to the request that Cloud realised just how much things had changed, the way he now interacted with the commander being something he would never have dreamed of doing before. The cadet smiled to himself knowing that Zack was the one who had made this happen, the soldier's love for him having broken through all the defences which had been built up over the years. It was both a thrilling and terrifying thought, the idea that finally he had people who accepted him for who he was and that maybe, just maybe, he wouldn't have to hide anymore.
"Now ..." Angeal began, his voice drawing Cloud away from his internal musing and back to the moment at hand. "I believe you have a class to attend." He continued, as he began to rise from his chair
"But we haven't discussed my punishment." The cadet interrupted, his words instantly halting the commander's movements so that he remained in a half raised position.
Brown eyes slowly rose to connect with faintly glowing spheres across from him, the determined expression back on the blonde's face and making Angeal sigh heavily as he sat down again.
"Why is this so important to you?" He huffed, as a slight weariness began to creep through his body.
"Zack said that I was scared of what the others would say and do if I wasn't punished."
"And are you?"
The question had been a straightforward one, noting too complicated to answer, the response requiring a simple yes or no answer. Yet Cloud found himself debating over how to reply, his breath increasing slightly as he fought with his own emotions over what to say. He didn't want the commander to think his insistence was based on personal motivations, that he was pushing for this for his own benefit, that the choice was not being made to make his life easier. Knowing there was no way to justify himself without explaining his real concerns Cloud settled on the truth, his heart and mind deciding that he should start being honest as the soldier had said.
"I told him I wasn't, but I think I was wrong." The blonde admitted hesitantly.
"Then this was something else you fought about?"
"Yes and I know it was stupid not admitting to it, but I really wasn't thinking about me at the time." The cadet insisted firmly, his eyes never leaving the commanders as he spoke. "Zack doesn't understand that I can't be allowed to get away with what happened, that my actions will have consequences on more than just my life."
"Then explain it to me." Angeal offered kindly, his mind already prepared to mentally catalogue the next part so that he could share it with the soldier later.
"After what happened with Kane I ... I don't want anyone to have a reason to question either of you." Cloud replied nervously.
"I see." The commander murmured, as he began to see where the cadet's line of thought was heading. "Then in turn you are also protecting my reputation as well.
Instead of responding with words the cadet simply nodded in silence, his head bobbing softly before hesitantly rising up so they could look at each other again.
"I don't want to give anyone more reasons to talk about him or you, not like that." The blonde continued softly, his insides now a mess as the emotions of it all came rushing back.
"And because it would involve you as well now?" Angeal added questioningly.
"A little." Cloud admitted softly, a small sigh escaping his lips before he looked away again and continued. "With Zack and I being ... involved, it already makes things harder for both of us. I know that it's just gossip and rumour for everyone, that they don't know the truth, but I ... I don't want his reputation being damaged by giving them more to talk about."
"You do realise it was an accidental blow, one which would not have happened if you had been in a real fight with the general." The commander pointed out as calmly as he could manage.
"I know." The blonde replied with a soft chuckle. "I'm not stupid enough to think I could ever beat him, not in a real combat situation. I just ... I just don't want other people thinking it's ok, that what I did was acceptable because of the way it happened." Here Cloud paused and stole a quick glance at the commander before continuing, his heart skipping a beat as he began to speak again. "He ... well he's Sephiroth, the great and mighty general of the ShinRa army. It ... it wouldn't be right for a lowly cadet to strike him and get away with it."
With a deep sigh Angeal nodded in agreement, the instant justification being one he couldn't easily deny if he wished to uphold the general's reputation as well.
"In a way I am proud of you for considering these things Cloud but I am also troubled by them, your choice to sacrifice yourself for the good of others while being honourable is also worrying."
"I'm just a grunt in this place, another piece of meat to be thrown at the enemy to slow them down." The cadet replied sadly, his eyes dimming at the painful self-evaluation. "All of you are so much more and that has to be protected, whatever the cost."
"Which is why you are pushing for a punishment, to protect our reputations?" Angeal concluded before sighing heavily.
"Yes."
"You are aware that this matter goes beyond Zack's rank and level of authority." The commander felt the need to point out now, the deep sadness filling those sapphire like eyes making his heart begin to ache for the boy.
"I know that, but it wouldn't matter." Cloud replied unhappily. "You are friends with the general and through you Zack also has that connection to him. We both know that he would never use it in that way, use either of you in that way, but we also know that not everyone will be content to accept this fact. What I did should not be forgiven so easily, even if it was an accident, and if Sephiroth were to excuse it so quickly it would only lead people to one conclusion. " Once again the cadet's words halted so he could take in a steadying breath, the next part being a little harder to say than he had thought. "Zack's dreams of being a hero are too important to be tainted by this, his honour as a soldier more valuable than my pride. As long as I'm not ... I'm not kicked out then I can accept any punishment to protect him, to keep him safe in the only way I can."
"You will make a fine soldier one day Cloud." Angeal noted with a sense of pride, the young man before him now being seen in a whole new light.
"Thank you." The blonde replied softly, his voice a faint whisper in the room as he accepted the compliment while trying to silence his own doubt.
The cadet knew that it was his dream to be a soldier but he also knew that there was a long way to go before he got there, if he ever got there. Cloud understood that his physical appearance still held him back, even though his skills in combat were more than acceptable, the slowly developing body still not suitable for ShinRa's expectations. He also knew that while his mental, tactical and strategic abilities were far superior than his peers it was not something the army truly required in great abundance. No, in truth the cadet was very much aware that his physique and talents were more suited to the Turks, his skill for being a lone shadow in the night only making this more obvious each time he ran beneath the stars.
A small dry cough drew Cloud's attention away from his thoughts and back to the moment, the commander's concerned eyes asking if he was alright without actually speaking the words. A small smile was the response he gave, the faint curve of lips not offering much but still trying to communicate that he would be alright. In reply Angeal also smiled and nodded his head in understanding, the silent gesture ending their brief interaction and allowing them to return to the matter at hand.
"While I know that Sephiroth has excused your actions, and personally chosen to not discipline you, he has yet to make this public knowledge." The commander began slowly, his eyes watching the cadet as each emotion began to play across the blonde's delicate features.
He instantly noted the shock which ghosted over the pale skin, the bright blue eyes widening slightly in surprise at hearing the facts being given. Almost a second later the sky like spheres began to glow with a faint shy warmth, the fair cheeks beneath them quickly developing a pink hue as the self-conscious embarrassment took over. Angeal couldn't help but smile as he realised that amongst all of his worries Cloud had never once considered that he would be forgiven, that the general himself would actually chose to allow the incident to pass unpunished.
"You should not believe everything you hear about him." The commander began, his tone being humorous as he lightly chastised the cadet for falling victim to the same thing which they were now trying to avoid. "Sephiroth knows that you were not intending to harm him, that your assault was merely an unfortunate accident when he intervened to break up the fight."
"I knew that he excused what happened with the other cadets but I ... I wasn't sure about ..." Cloud replied hesitantly, his eyes glancing down and away as he continued. "What I did wasn't just insubordination it was also disrespectful, so when Zack kept telling me it would be alright I didn't believe him. I never imagined that the general would ... that he wouldn't take offense."
"You didn't intend to hit him, did you?."
"No, but he ... he still could have considered it to be an act of rebellion or found my behaviour to be insolent."
"Your actions, while technically unacceptable, are nothing compared to some of the things which Zack has put Sephiroth through over the years." Angeal began, his voice becoming lost to a slowly developing rich warm laughter. "Or have you forgotten the tales of his past antics?"
"No." Cloud began, his eyes shining brightly as a small chuckle escaped his lips. "I could never forget those stories, some of them were pretty ... interesting."
"And those were the ones I allowed them to tell you. Trust me when I say there are several more which I will be trying my hardest to keep you from hearing about."
They both smiled happily as the atmosphere between them grew calm and more comfortable, the interaction between them more of friends talking than a commander and cadet discussing an important issue. Almost too soon the mood changed to become a little bit more serious, the pair realising that they were now putting of the inevitable and that time was quickly running out before a decision would need to be made.
"What exactly are you asking for Cloud?" The commander enquired, his mind now open to accept the cadet's wishes.
"I'm not sure exactly." The blonde began uncertainly, his thoughts whirling like a tornado as he started to understand that his request was being granted. "I ... uuuuummm ... I guess something which will be humiliating enough to know that I'm being punished and that Zack couldn't save me from it."
"Then you do not mind if this thing results in more people talking about you?" Angeal mused as an idea began to form in his head.
"I can handle the rumours, well most of them, and if it's something 'juice' for them to gossip about then it wouldn't hurt." The cadet agreed curiously, as he saw the flicker of amusement appear in the commander's eyes.
"Then how does a day of scrubbing shower blocks and latrines sound to you?" Angeal questioned humorously, the sparkle within those warm brown orbs betraying the smile which he tried to hide with a straight face.
"It sounds horrible." Cloud replied with a bright, cheerful smile. "Just perfectly horrible."