Ok, so here's the latest chapter and I hope you enjoy it.
I also wanted to let anyone who wasn't already aware know that I have an exam at the end of next week so another update might not happen until after then. I will of course try my hardest to get it done and up but as this is a re-take exam I really can't afford to fail it. I hope you understand.
Trying to understand
With an acceptable punishment having been decided upon the rest was easy to deal with, the cadet continuing to smile happily as the commander began to put their plan into action. The first person Angeal contacted was Sephiroth, the general needing to know what was going to happen so that he would not be caught by surprise when asked about it. To Cloud's relief and surprise Sephiroth had not argued the matter, his calm voice being easily heard stating that if they felt it was for the best then he had no objections. There had also been a comment about the commander and himself talking about it later, but the blonde had enough sense to pretend he hadn't heard this as he sat silently and waited for the next part.
It didn't take long for the soldier who had been requested to arrive and for Angeal to give him his orders, more specifically the assignment of escorting Cloud down to maintenance to collect the things he would need. The soldier would then accompany the cadet to the nearest locker room to begin his punishment and would remain overseeing the cleaning until he was relieved at lunch time. There was no doubt in Cloud's mind that he had made the right decision as he was marched down the corridors, the numerous faces that watched them go all asking the same unspoken questions. The blonde kept his head bowed low as they moved through the building, his peripheral vision easily catching the surprised looks which followed them. Those eyes quickly revealed three facts to the cadet, the first and most obvious being that no one was happy about what he had done even if it was an accident. The second was the unexpected discovery that not everyone hated him for it, that perhaps some saw it as the accident it had been, their faces actually offering a sympathetic look his way as they passed by. The third and final thing was the most important of all, the one which told Cloud he had been right all along. Amongst all the looks there was one which shone through the brightest, the one which showed disbelief at what was happening, the one which said no one had expected him to be punished at all. It was this look alone which gave Cloud the small feeling of relief, the knowledge that the suffering he was about to endure would be more than worth it.
XXXXXXXXXXXX
Grumbling with frustration the commander hurried towards the VR training rooms, the hour of Zack's assigned session having possibly finished already, and his mind silently praying that the soldier had not been able to find a room straight away. The corridors were now filled with cadet's making their way to classes and the sight made Angeal realise that there was still one thing he had not done, a small detail which needed to be addressed so that Cloud did not get into any further trouble. Cursing softly, a trait which was not normal for him, the commander quickly turned right and began to head away from his intended destination as a new one made itself a higher priority.
It didn't take long for the lecture hall to come into view, his sudden appearance there startling the small groups of cadets who were only just entering the room ahead of him. It was no surprise when the young men almost stumbled over their own feet as they instantly jumped to attention, their shocked expressions and rigid bodies giving him something to briefly smile about. With a faint nod of his head to acknowledge their salutes he entered through the door, and approached the sergeant at the front of the room, his senses already picking up on the surprised and curious eyes which now followed him.
"Sergeant, may I have a word with you please?"
There was a moment of hesitation on the other man's part and it made the commander's anger rise, he was in no mood to waste more time than necessary.
"Sergeant." He repeated more firmly, the voice now holding a hint of irritation as a mild warning.
"Yes Sir, sorry Sir." Was the flustered reply, as the man in question suddenly snapped back to reality and saluted.
"Cadet Strife will not be attending classes today. You will inform the other instructors as necessary."
"Yes Sir." The stunned soldier replied, his eyes going wide for the briefest of seconds.
It was only now that Angeal realised that the whole room had gone quiet, the obvious infuriated tone of his voice and annoyed posture having drawn the attention of everyone now. As he glanced up the commander noticed that there were several pairs of eyes which were turned away from him, the boys unable to meet his threatening gaze, yet even they held the same questioning look within them. They all wanted to know why Cloud would not be coming to class, the unspoken queries about the blonde's absence making his blood begin to boil within his veins. These boys had been nothing but a problem for the cadet, the thorn in his side from the very beginning, and the need to protect Cloud hit Angeal like a tidal wave. But memories of their conversation flashed through his mind and there was nothing he could do now, the only comfort in his next words being that they would get the reaction which was needed.
"He will be undertaking punishment for yesterday's incident in the gym." The commander growled, his anger now being a result of way the people around him reacted.
"Yes sir." The sergeant replied as expected, his lips moving wordlessly as he hesitated to speak again.
"What is it?" Angeal breathed, as he took in the nervous man's appearance.
"Uuummm sorry Sir, I was just wondering if I should expect him back tomorrow Sir."
"Yes, and there is to be no leniency for his lack of attendance today." The commander replied, the words almost painful to say as he tried to maintain the facade being created.
Strangely though it was easy to let them believe his repressed furry was for the blonde, their own selfish desires only too happy to fill in the missing pieces and draw their own conclusion. Angeal restrained his glare to one of general outrage, the mako glow of his eyes helping to add to the illusion of his dislike for the cadet's actions in the gym. A part of him cried out to shout the truth, to reveal that it was not Cloud he was angry with but them as they took pleasure in the blonde's pain. These were not men he wanted at his side in battle, the ones whose faces seemed to brighten as they learnt that Cloud was suffering for his mistake. Taking a quick mental note of which boys grinned happily at the news the commander turned and left, his mind a whirlwind of emotions as he stormed through the building once more.
He arrived at the VR training rooms in time to find Zack leaving, the soldier panting slightly after having just undergone one of the higher level programmes. Angeal sighed as he took in the tired and worn out expression on his puppy's face, the sun-kissed skin glowing faintly in the light due to the fine sheen of sweat which now coated it. The commander had no doubt that Zack had deliberately chosen to undertake a harder programme, the soldier always preferring the more challenging workouts when he wanted to clear his head. It was only as their eyes met across the empty corridor that Angeal realised it hadn't worked this time, those violet orbs no longer glowing with mako but now with a different kind of fire. The troubled expression was still there on Zack's face, the unspoken hurt and frustration of what had happened still burning within those questioning spheres. The commander sighed heavily before speaking, his heart aching as he realised that the soldier was now staring at him with uncertainty.
"I am sorry Zack, it was not my intention to upset you more by sending you away. " Angeal began, his chest tightening as the soldier's expression became slightly pained. "The tension between you both was unbearable and I honestly believed that Cloud would not open up if you were there."
"So he actually talked to you?" Zack asked cautiously, his conflicting emotions still bubbling below the surface.
"Yes he did, which is why we need to go somewhere a little more private to discuss this." The commander continued, his voice lowering to a gentle but insistent tone.
"Alright." The soldier agreed, the repressed anger already fading away to be replaced by curiosity and concern for the blonde.
XXXXXXXXXXXX
A short time later and they ended up at a small cafe off base, the outside world offering some freedom from the confines of the compound and providing the calm atmosphere they needed. Almost instinctively both moved towards the lone table in the far corner, their simultaneous movements causing each man to pause for a second and then chuckle softly in unison.
"Is it ... is that ..." Zack began hesitantly, his hand coming up to scratch at the back of his head nervously.
"It is fine." Angeal noted warmly, his expression remaining reassuring as he took in the soldier's tense appearance. "I believe it will give us the privacy we need to talk."
"That's what I was thinking." Zack admitted, the faint smile growing a little more now.
Neither spoke after they ordered their coffee and waited for it to be brought over, the waitress smiling happily as she placed the items on the table between them and left. Slowly the soldier took the cup in his hands and stared down at the black liquid, his insides now twisting and turning so that the normally pleasant aroma made him want to be sick.
"Zack?" The commander began slowly, his voice now filled with concern at the unusually quiet soldier.
"Hum?" Was the only reply he got, the small sound an unspoken acknowledgement of his attempt to start the conversation.
"I must confess that for once I am unsure where to begin." Angeal mused aloud, his hands idly swirling the contents of his own cup now. "There seems so much to discuss."
"Where is he?" Zack cut in before the commander could continue, the hurt tone making Angeal's chest tighten.
"He is cleaning the locker rooms and latrines in block C." The commander replied carefully, unsure how the information would be taken.
"..."
The lack of verbal response was nothing compared to the flicker of annoyance which flowed through the soldier's eyes, the small piece of knowledge clearly bothering him greatly.
"He asked for a punishment and seemed happy with this option." Angeal continued, his heart actually skipping a beat when he saw those beautifully expressive violet eyes darken.
"Fine, as long as he's happy." Zack growled bitterly, as he took a sip of his drink.
"I'm going to explain a few things to you and I want you to listen to it all before reacting." The commander began, his determination to sort the situation out now stronger than ever. "What I have to say may be awkward for you to hear, and you may find it hard to understand at first, but I want you to wait until I'm finished before talking." He stated firmly, his voice pausing until the soldier's eyes finally came up again and met his own.
There was a moment of thick silence between them as they simply stared at each other, the raging storm of emotions which had been seen in Cloud's eyes earlier now clearly visible within Zack's as well. The look was more than a little unsettling for Angeal but still he waited before speaking again, the need to hear the soldier agree to his terms giving him the strength to remain quiet for a bit longer. After a few seconds Zack nodded in acceptance, his lips remaining sealed tightly together as his eyes silently demanded to know what Angeal had to say.
"Cloud is doing this to protect you." The commander began, his hand coming up to silence the soldier as lips suddenly parted and a protesting gasping breath could be heard.
Zack simply glared at the appendage and then at Angeal, his violet orbs darkening even more as his lips slammed shut again and he huffed in frustration.
"He is also doing it to protect Sephiroth and myself."
These words got a different reaction entirely, the surprise which flashed through those glowering orbs was like lightening across a thunderous sky as the stormy spheres widened slightly.
"He believes that our reputations are at stake if he is allowed to go unpunished for his act of insubordination."
"It was an acc ..." Zack began, before being silenced by the commander's threatening expression.
"I am fully aware that it was an accident, as is the general." Angeal continued firmly. "Cloud however has seen his actions to be disrespectful toward Sephiroth's status and in truth I must agree with him."
Once again the soldier's mood darkened to that of the bleakest night's sky, his voice staying locked away while his expression said everything which he was not allowed to.
"A cadet striking a superior officer and being allowed to get away with it would cause no end of problems, a fact which it appears that only Cloud has considered in all of this." Here the commander waited again, his eyes boring into Zack's so that he would actually listen to what was being said and not dismiss it so easily. "There is already enough widespread rumour and gossip about each of us and it is something he wishes prevent adding to."
"By taking a punishment for something he didn't mean to do." The soldier choked, his words filled with shocked disbelief.
Angeal sighed heavily and lent back in his chair, his attempt to save Zack's questions to the end clearly something which was not going to happen.
"He is concerned about the stories which are already spreading about you and wants to avoid adding more, wants to protect your dreams and honour in the only way he knows how."
"I don't need protecting like this damn it, why can't he see that?" The soldier managed, his voice strained with both annoyance and frustration at the cadet's actions.
The commander watched as his normally bouncy puppy slumped forward against the table, strong calloused hands now covering a drawn and weary expression behind open palms. He silently observed the way Zack's face was now hidden from sight, the unruly black spikes uncharacteristically dropping forward like a curtain to help conceal it all. It was only when the table creaked slightly as the soldier's full weight settled on it that Angeal decided it was time to speak again, the bronze toned elbows bent against the surface appearing to be the only thing holding Zack upright now.
"He cares a great deal for you pup, so much so that it blinds him."
"What do you mean?" The soldier replied cautiously, his eyes slowly peeking through the spread fingers and narrowing suspiciously at the commander's words.
"He regrets the fight you had, the words he said which hurt you."
Hands suddenly dropped away to reveal wide violet eyes, the glowing spheres now glistening in the light as Zack drew in a shaky breath and desperately tried to pull himself together. This time his lips moved without creating sound, the words appearing to fight the soldier as he struggled to say them out loud. The commander didn't miss the small spark of frustration which appeared as the shimmering orbs drifted down and then back up again, the response Zack wanted to give still stuck somewhere inside. Knowing that perhaps a little more reassurance was required he spoke again, the next part being something which he was sure the soldier would want to hear.
"Zack, he asked me to talk to you." Angeal informed the soldier gently, his hand now reaching out to rest on the younger man's shoulder.
"He ... he did?" Zack finally managed, through the lump in his throat.
"Yes." Angeal replied, nodding slightly to emphasis this point. "He admits that he was so caught up in his own emotions that he wasn't thinking about yours. I believe it is something which pains him greatly."
To the commander's surprise the reaction he received was not what he had expected, the one he did get leaving him speechless for a moment. Instead of rushing to defend the blonde's words the soldier remained eerily quiet and looked away, his body becoming tense again as he seemed to think about what had been said. Angeal knew that this time it was not his place to speak again first, that whatever thoughts were troubling the soldier's mind he needed to say them before they could continue.
"The whole thing was ... it was pretty intense." Zack mumbled in agreement, his face still turned away to look out of the window.
"I know that right now it seems hard, but remember that Cloud is not used to any of this." Angeal offered as kindly as he could, his hand now moving to give a reassuring squeeze of the arm it held. "He has learnt to survive alone in this place and part of that was by shutting himself off from the world, by hiding what he feels."
"I know that Angeal." The soldier sighed, his tone implying that he was fully aware of this but it didn't make a difference right now.
The commander felt a stirring of anger rise within him and this time it was Cloud whom he felt protective of, his fingers twitching slightly as he restrained himself from pinning the soldier to the wall as he had done with the cadet. Instead he allowed his expression to harden and his eyes to take on their darker look, his voice dropping to a deeper more threatening pitch as he spoke again.
"Do you? Do you really understand what it means to lose that connection with life, to not be able to express yourself properly because you had to bury your emotions down so deep that not even you could feel them anymore?"
"I ... I don't ..." Zack began, his head coming back round to face Angeal's and show his surprise at how the mood had suddenly changed between them.
"No Zack you don't know, you don't understand because it is something you have never experienced." The commander growled evenly, his usually warm brown eyes now appearing haunted by things which the soldier couldn't see.
"Angeal I'm ... I'm sorry ... I ..."
"It's alright pup." The commander managed through gritted teeth, as he observed the concerned and fearful expression now aimed at him. "I'm not angry at you for being upset, but I need you to see that whatever was said or done was important."
"It's more than that, I can tell." Zack said carefully, his instincts screaming at him to find out what could have caused such an unexpected reaction.
"You're right, there is more to it." Angeal agreed reluctantly, his expression softening a little to ease the tension between them. "But now is not the time or place to discuss it."
"You will tell me though, right?" The soldier asked uncertainly.
"Perhaps one day." The commander replied faintly, his eyes looking away so that he would not make a promise he might not be able to keep.
As if sensing the troubled thoughts now running through his old mentors mind Zack remained quiet, his own head quickly filling with questions as he reflected on what had happened. He knew that for something to unsettle Angeal this much it must be bad, his concerns for Cloud's state of mind quickly rushing to the surface so that nothing else could be seen. Seconds later and the soldier had become lost within himself as he searched for the answers, his mind rushing through the memories as he tried to put the pieces of a puzzle together in hopes of seeing the picture more clearly.
Beside him Angeal remained silent as his own thoughts were once again focused on Sephiroth and how void of emotion the man could be, his unspoken fears that the cadet might end up the same way actually making it a little harder for him to breath. Fearful brown eyes suddenly darted up and across to the soldier's bowed head, the commander's heart rate increasing slightly as he began to silently pray that his puppy would never have to know that pain. He had just been about to speak again when Zack's head came up, the deep frown across his brow looking painfully wrong on such a young face.
"I think I overreacted." He admitted with a heavy sigh.
"Cloud said exactly the same thing." Angeal noted gently, as he fought to keep his voice calm. "He also seemed annoyed at himself for allowing it to happen."
"What else did he say?" The soldier enquired hesitantly.
"In truth we mainly discussed his reasons for wanting the punishment." The commander replied, his enhanced hearing easily picking up the way this revelation made Zack's heart start to beat a little bit faster.
"He didn't tell you what happened?" The soldier asked nervously.
"No but ..."
Here Angeal's voice faltered as he found himself second guessing the words he wanted to say, the ones he had intended to use no longer suitable unless he wished to upset Zack again. Instead of revealing that they had also discussed Cloud regrets and feelings about the argument he chose a different approach, his need to know more before saying anything else being the basis for his next request.
"Zack, can you tell me?" He began slowly, his eyes connecting with the soldier's as he continued. "Maybe if I know, then what he said to me will make more sense for both of us."
"Alright." Zack agreed with heavy sigh, the idea of going over it all again clearly not one he was happy with. "I ... I guess it all began when I found him writing that letter." The soldier began, his head falling forward so that once again his face was hidden by a curtain of black spikes.
"What letter?" Angeal enquired cautiously, the dejected appearance of the man in front of him causing alarm bells to start ringing in his mind.
"The one where he was ... he was trying to say ... goodbye." Zack choked, the words appearing to stab into his very heart as they were spoken.
Angeal felt the pain within the admission as it was forced from the soldier's mouth, the anger and hurt so evident in the tone of his voice as it faltered. He now understood why Cloud had been so worried that Zack would not forgive him, the comforting reassurance he had given the cadet no longer one he was sure he should have spoken.
"Tell me." The commander repeated, his tone being both calm and gentle but also firm to show that it was no longer a request.
The next few hours passed by slowly as both went over the events of the morning, the soldier going first by describing what had happened within the apartment. For Angeal the description of the cadet's emotional outburst was not a surprise, Cloud had after all admitted to this himself when they had spoken. It was also no surprise that the argument had been part of a larger event, the rollercoaster of emotions expressed clearly revealing the blonde's inability to sort through his feelings before expressing them. The commander couldn't help but feel sorry for the soldier as he tried to describe what had happened, the confusion, frustration and hurt all mixed up within his words a sure sign that he still couldn't see the underlying problem. The lack of understanding bothered the commander, his head telling him that Zack should have been able to see past what was on the surface and look for what was hidden underneath. But then his heart reminded him that sometimes emotions clouded judgements, that perhaps on this occasion the soldier was indeed just as bad as the cadet for letting his feelings get the better of him.
It was only when Zack had finished that Angeal shared his experiences with the cadet that morning, his voice remaining calm and soothing as he described Cloud's words, emotions and most importantly of all the blonde's intentions regarding the punishment. He knew exactly when the soldier suddenly understood what had really happened, the brighter spark of light in Zack's eyes appearing as if someone had flicked a switch in his head. Together they smiled as the realisation began to dawn within the soldier's mind, the awareness of the fights benefits finally shining brightly like the sun in the midday sky.
"So everything that happened, the argument and anger and everything was ... it was a good thing?" Zack enquired carefully, his joyous expression only tainted by the slight traces of uncertainty which still lingered in his eyes.
"As I said to him earlier, your fight was perhaps not a good thing but certainly necessary." The commander replied with a small amount of amusement. "I also pointed out to him that it was you who has probably caused this, your more expressive qualities drawing him out of his shell."
"Thanks, I think." The soldier replied chuckling faintly, his eyes now sparkling with a warmer look of happiness.
"He told me that you are his light Zack, the light in his darkness." Angeal continued, his voice becoming a little more serious now as they looked at each other. "His feelings for you run deeper than even he is aware of, but they are quickly coming to the surface and I believe it is scaring him."
"I don't want to scare him Angeal, I just want to make him happy."
"And you do pup, you do. He told me that you made it alright for him to feel good again, that you made it ok for him to smile, to laugh and to be happy."
"So why is he afraid of that?" The soldier almost pleaded to know, his face now showing both the joy of these revelations but also the confusion they brought.
"I am not sure exactly." The commander admitted softly, his smile being one of comforting reassurance as he tried to explain his own theory. "He loves you, of that I am sure, but ..."
"But?" Zack asked fearfully.
"You have changed him Zack, your love for him has broken through his defences and found the person inside and that I believe is what scares him."
"He told me something the other day, something about keeping what he felt locked away." The soldier confessed hesitantly.
A curious eyebrow raised on the face across from him, the commander's silent questions encouraging Zack to continue with the explanation.
"We sort of .... uuuummm ... fell over each other and well it ... it freaked him out a bit." The soldier began nervously, his mind frantically trying to work out a way of explaining what happened to Angeal without actually mentioning the part where Cloud had ended up straddling him.
"How could you falling over each other ..." The commander began to ask, his words drifting away as Zack's face flushed with embarrassment. "I see." He finished chuckling softly, as the pink glow on tanned cheeks darkened even more.
The faint chuckle grew to a warmer joyous laughter, the sound eventually drawing the soldier from his internally cursing so that a small humours expression covered his own features.
"Ok, get it out of your system old man." Zack groaned, his mood considerably lighter even though a part of him still wanted to curl up and hide.
"I'm sorry pup, please go on." Angeal managed as he pulled himself together, the sparkle in his eyes still glowing brightly.
"Anyway, I guess it was the shock he needed because we ended up talking a bit about how we felt."
"He mentioned that you had talked, but did not go into detail."
"Sounds like something Spiky would do." The soldier agreed with a sigh. "Basically he confirmed my suspicions about always being alone here, in fact he made it sound like it was an issue from before this place as well."
"That would explain a number of things." The commander noted sadly, his body now leaning back into the chair as he listened.
"Basically he has some major confidence issues and being able to express himself is one of them."
"Then my earlier comments have helped you to see these things more clearly?" Angeal asked carefully, his cautious tone causing a small smile to form on Zack's lips.
"Yea, they have." The soldier began, his voice softening as he reflected on his own mistakes for not seeing it before. "He's scared of losing what he has ... of what we have because he hides everything, because he hides it from himself."
"I see." The commander breathed uncertainly, as he continued to watch Zack carefully.
"I can't believe I missed it, I mean I listened to what he said but I ... I don't think I really understood what it meant." The soldier said, his voice dropping to a serious tone. "I get it now though, the reason why Spiky ... why Cloud reacted the way he did earlier. It's because he's never had this before, the freedom to just be himself." Here Zack stopped and let out a heartfelt sigh, his awareness of how depressing these facts were making his own heart ache as he tried to explain them. "I've watched over him since the first day I witnessed his scrawny backside being knocked down in combat training but I ... I don't think I really saw him back then, not the real him. Everything he said or did was always so carefully done, every damn instruction cautiously followed, his guard constantly up even around me."
"But not anymore?" Angeal enquired hesitantly, his mind actually scolding him for needing to ask such a question.
"No, not now." The soldier confirmed, a soft look covering his features as he smiled faintly at the thought.
For a moment the commander said nothing as he watched the emotions play across the Zack's face, the happier expression he saw giving him more confidence to continue.
"I told him that you were a forgiving person and that for him it would go double." Angeal explained slowly, his eyes almost pleading that his words of comfort to the cadet had not been said in vain. "I also said that his concerns were not justified because he didn't run away but had in fact confronted you with his feelings."
"You told him that I would forgive him for shouting at me?" Zack asked hesitantly.
"Yes I did." The commander replied firmly. "It is not in your nature to be angry at people or to hold a grudge and for him I honestly believed that would also be true. If I was wrong then I am sorry, but I cannot imagine that you would prefer for him to be withdrawn and start keeping it all to himself again."
"No, no I wouldn't." The soldier responded quickly, his slightly panicked tone easing as he continued to speak. "I want him to open up, I just ... I just wish he had talked to me like he did with you. I mean sure, arguing is better than the silently treatment but it doesn't actually help to solve the problems."
"It didn't exactly start off with us talking either." Angeal confessed reluctantly, his head dipping low as he felt regret for the initial assault on the cadet.
"What do you mean?" The soldier's voice enquired uncertainly.
"Let us just say I owe him an apology at some point." The commander replied, as he looked up and smiled faintly.
The look didn't reveal much to Zack but it did let him known that something had happened after he left, something which Angeal was not happy about but did not want to discuss. The guarded expression only made the soldier more curious, his mouth opening to ask more but the words being interrupted as the commander continued.
"His punishment is not life threatening, but it will leave him exhausted and in some pain when he gets home." Angeal pointed out evenly. "I suggest you are there to give him the comfort he will need after such an ordeal."
"It was his choice to do this." Zack reminded the commander, his dislike for their decision still very evident in his voice.
"True, but it is your forgiveness which he will be seeking tonight, not mine, Sephiroth's or anyone else's."
"I don't understand." The soldier choked, his eyes widening as he looked up at Angeal's face. "I know we argued but that's normal when people get angry, right? I mean we were both upset and you told him that it was ok to let it out, didn't you?"
"Yes I did, but that does not change the fact that he still fears you will reject him for it."
"Why ... why would he think that?" Zack enquired nervously.
"Do you not remember how you were only hours ago, the mako glow in your eyes?" The commander began gently, as he took in the soldier's confused expression.
"Yes, but ..." Zack started to reply, the words barely forming in his mouth before they were cut off by Angeal's voice.
"No buts Zack, the glow was there." The commander stated firmly, his tone trying to remain calm and soothing as he spoke. "Cloud is not naive when it comes to these things and knows what it means when that happens, just as he understands that this time it was because of him."
"It hurts Angeal, knowing that he could give up on me so easily." The soldier confessed sadly, the pain being felt now evident in each word as it was spoken.
"I don't think he can Zack, not in the way you fear."
"But the letter ... I mean he ..."
"He wanted to say goodbye because he believed you were going to be separated, not because he wanted to." Angeal explained gently, a small pause for breath giving what he had to say next more meaning. "I am also not pleased with how quickly he expected the worst but I am glad that his thoughts were of you, that he felt the need to write the words he couldn't say."
"The letter." Zack gasped, his body now sitting up stiffly in the chair. "I ... I never read it."
"You didn't?"
"No, it was ... I mean they were all screwed up on the table, I never got a chance to see them."
"Them?" The commander replied questioningly. "You mean he wrote more than one letter."
"I'm guessing it was more like several attempts at the same letter." The soldier corrected, once again shaking his head at his own foolishness for not thinking about it sooner.
"Are they still at your apartment?"
"Yea, they are." Zack replied, already rising from his chair.
"Go, read them and then decide how you feel." The commander quickly spoke up before the soldier could disappear. "And if you need to talk come and find me."
"I will." Zack called back, as he hurried out the door.
Seconds later and the soldier was nothing more than a blur as he ran towards home, his body moving on some form of autopilot, the abandoned pieces of paper and the words they held now the only thing on his mind.