A/N: Well here it is, Millennium is coming down to kill London and all its inhabitants to death, and Hellsing is going to stop them, or die trying. The Vatican is chilling just across the English Channel, Maxwell waiting for his forces to get their pointy hats down to England. The shit is going to hit the fan in this chapter, so enjoy.
The Major, Captain and Doctor, referred to as Dok, stepped back onto the flagship of the Nazi fleet, the Moe-Moe-Kyun!. They were carrying many plastic bags, all having an anime girl's face as well as the word 'Comiket' printed on them. The Major had announced that they would be taking a 'detour' to Japan on the way to London despite the two places being in opposite directions, but he'd be damned if he missed the biggest anime convention in history.
Some of the bags were filled to the brim with assorted figurines of girls in various outfits, those with skirts being very short and blown upwards and exposing their panties, as well as other outfits like maid uniforms and school swimsuits. Other bags were filled with mangas drawn by the fans, called doujinshi and yet others carried various visual novels, all with pornographic scenes.
"Zat vas ze best Comiket I haf ever been to!" Dok said happily to the Major.
"Ja, the cosplayers were wery güt, zat one who cosplayed as Yoko actually had boobs as big as zose in the anime!" The Major responded just as enthusiastically,
The Captain remained silent as always, but nodded his head twice in affirmation that he did enjoy the convention as well. He was very trigger happy with his camera, bringing five spare batteries as well as twenty empty memory cards, all the batteries dead and all the memory cards filled after each day.
"Ve shall make for London now! I hope zat Lieutenant Rip van Winkle has some güt news for us." The Major announced as he dropped his fat ass onto the biggest and most heavily padded chair on the bridge. It was totally pimped out, with massage and temperature controls as well as a cup holder and coffee machine.
"Actually, herr Major, Rip van Winkle was wiolently killed, maimed and dewoured by Alucard a day ago vhile you und ze ozers were at ze conwention." A random soldier reported the death to the Major.
"Is zat so? Ve shall observe a minute of silence for her passing." A minute passed. "But ve must not despair, ve must make zis an even greater war as a tribute to her spirit. It vill be vat she vants."
The engines of all the zeppelins in the fleet, a total of about seven, started as they took off and headed west for London.
"Wait, Mr. Hazama, did you just summon a bunch of monsters in one turn?" Seras asked, raising her eyebrow. She and Hazama were playing a children's card game to pass the time while they were waiting for Integra to get back from her meeting with Sir Penwood.
"Yeah, I did. What about it?" Hazama asked, his golden eyes glinting mischievously, waiting for her to take the troll bait.
"That's against the rules!" Seras explained. Jackpot.
"Screw the rules, I have green hair!" Hazama exclaimed proudly.
Seras was about to retort about how green hair did not have anything to do with the children's card game they were playing and even if it did it still would not allow him to break the rules when they heard a series of explosions coming from the East End of London. They ran out the door to find that the entire business district of the capital of Britain was in flames and seven blimps were hovering over the blazing city.
Several missiles streaked out from both sides of a zeppelin, snaking through the air and impacting on a random building and blowing it to hell.
Just then, a car skidded to a stop in front of the manor, in it was Pip. "Sacré blue! I was down at ze bar when shit started blowing up!"
"Well, I think it's about time to show ya all the fruits of my labor." Hazama said, garnering confused looks from both Pip and Seras.
"Take-Mikazuchi XIII Gold Alpha Third Strike Five D Maximum Impact Rebirth Ver. Ka, activate! Blow that blimp to Kingdom Come!" Hazama yelled out to the sky. Pip and Seras looked at him, thinking that he was mad.
Up in low orbit, a cocoon-shaped satellite opened up and a black mass with eyes and a red rimmed mouth stuck out. It took aim at the target given by its maker and seemed to mouth the words "Ima firin' my laser" before letting loose a blue- white beam of pure energy from its mouth.
Down on the target zeppelin, the vampire officer in charge of communications was about to yell out in shock as there was a large energy signature heading their way. He was not able to report his findings as the ship exploded, turning from an oversized oblong balloon into a large red fireball and assorted bits and pieces of metal and body bits.
Everyone who saw this; the survivors of the initial attack, the other Nazis, the Knights of the Round Table, the Vatican, Integra and Walter, Alucard, Seras and Pip, they all shouted "Son of a BITCH!" in shock at the same time while Hazama laughed maniacally at his handiwork.
"What the hell was that? One second the zeppelin was there blowing things to bits, then there was this beam of light and this 'BLAAARGHH" sound, then the zeppelin turned into fireworks!" Seras was still trying to comprehend what had happened.
"That there was my little personal project! Awesome, innit? It's made from little bits and pieces of household objects and runs on evil energy-infused breakfast cereal!" Hazama boasted.
Seras was not listening, and even if she were, she wouldn't have understood what he was saying anyway. She was just shocked at the fact that a random beam of light just asploded a zeppelin.
Up in the Moe-Moe-Kyun!, there was pandemonium. Random German words flew about as they tried to understand what the fuck just happened. A flash of light and a 'BLAAAARGHH', and one of their airships was gone.
The Major however, was not at all upset by the loss, if anything he was ecstatic. He loved everything about war, both destroying the enemy and getting destroyed, blowing the opposition to bits and getting blown to bits by the opposition.
"Hahahaha! I do not know vat trick you just pulled, but it vas splendid, vonderful! I am wery much looking forward to vat ozer zings you've got up your sleeves, Hellsing!" The Major was laughing so hard he nearly fell off his chair, the Dok was smiling knowingly while the Captain just stoned.
Back at the communications room where Integra and Walter were having their meeting with Penwood and his officers, they were all staring at the screen in shock, all their mouths agape.
"What in the Queen's name just happened?" Integra finally managed to choke out.
"It would seem that a beam of light struck out from the heavens and incinerated one of Millennium's airships." Walter muttered, still quite shocked.
"I know what it looks like! I want to know if the thing that fired that is on our side or was it a botched attempt by Millennium!" Integra raged.
The whole room was silent.
Integra sighed heavily. "Fine, we'll just forget about it for now. What's the situation with the surviving blimps?"
"They have stopped firing missiles in random directions and seem to be deploying troops!"
On the Nazi vampire catapult, a voice counted down from five to zero in German before giving the all clear for take-off.
"Heine Westenfluss! Gouf! Launching!" One of the vampires yelled out before the catapult launcher things attached to his feet hurled him off the aircraft like they always do in GUNDAM animes. Unlike a Gouf, which is armed with laser cannons, a beam sword and a weird energy-whip-thingamajig, he was armed with a rifle, an RPG-7 and a shovel. Oh yeah, and vampiric strength and agility.
"Goddamn! I always wanted to say that!" He yelled out as he descended to the streets of London. Hundreds of vampires launched off of the six blimps, landing without the aid of parachutes and proceeding to slaughter any and all humans they came across, young and old, man and woman, rich and poor. They made no discrimination and swept through London like a plague of death, killing everything that moved and turning them into ghouls.
Soon the streets were overrun with the living dead, all groaning and clawing at the air, searching for living flesh to feed on as the Major stood on the top of the Moe-Moe-Kyun! and waved his hands around like an idiot, which he later claimed to be 'conducting the symphony of war'.
"Seras, go get zat weapon Walter prepared! Looks like ve are going to need it!" Pip ordered and Seras disappeared with a gust of wind. Vampiric speed lets her do that.
"Hazama, do zat 'BLAAARGHH' zing again! Zere are still more vampires coming!"
"Would if I could. The thing needs forty minutes to recharge." Hazama said with a shrug.
"Zat is too long!" Pip shouted in disbelief.
"What's too long, my dick?" Hazama retorted.
Pip sighed and went to gather the other Geese. He needed to brief them on the plan of action while Hazama chuckled to himself. He looked up at the blimps and smiled while his snake eyes glinted maliciously.
"Make for ze Hellsing manor, ve vill crush any and all survivors after the salvo Herr Major has spared for us!" Lieutenant Zorin commanded as she stood at attention on the bridge of the second zeppelin of the Millennium fleet, imaginatively named Zeppelin 2( I am NOT making this up, check Volume 6 of Hellsing if you don't believe me.)
Zorin was built like a man despite being a woman, garnering many sniggers in the mess hall that resulted in less-than-squeaky-clean walls and floor tiles after she was done with the perpetrators. She had tattoos covering the entire right half of her body and a really large scythe, its razor sharp blade gleaming wickedly.
The pilot of the zeppelin plotted the necessary course by cursing very loudly in German and pounding his head on the control panel which had been specially reinforced for the pilot so they would not need to replace the console every half minute.
Zorin grimaced at the spectacle and turned towards another officer, this one saner. "Vat's his name? He needs a demotion."
"Ve don't really know, all it said on his application form was 'Angry German Kid'." The officer replied.
"Vell, it matters not as long as he can get us there without crashing the ship." Zorin said with a frown that only managed to take form on the side of her face that was not covered in tattoos.
A series of explosions resounded through the hull as the V9 missiles fired from the flagship exploded. "Vat? Vat happened? Give me a sit-rep right now!" Zorin yelled.
"Ze V9s were all shot out of ze sky and zere are thousands of heavy caliber rounds being fired at us! The origin of ze rounds is the Hellsing HQ!" The guy in charge on radar and damage control answered.
"Searchlights, now! I vant to see who is doing this!" Zorin ordered as more rounds tore into the ship and the vampire known as the Angry German Kid started flipping out for real, using his teeth to try and rip out some of the keys as well as kicking at the steering wheel-thing.
"But ve vill be giving away our position!" One of the junior officers called out.
"If she could not see us, how would she be shooting at us so accurately, zink about zat dumbfuck!" Zorin reprimanded. The officer started to whimper and sob.
The searchlights snapped on and probed the grounds of the Hellsing estate, finally landing on Seras who was looking right pissed with her arms folded across her large chest and pouting. With a METEOR unit strapped to her back.
The eyes of every single soldier on Zeppelin 2 simultaneously widened in shock at the size of her equipment(lol) as their mouths fell open. "Vat ze fuck is zat thing strapped to her back?" Zorin yelled out over the racket made by the Angry German Kid jumping up and down over his console.
Seras decided then to go Rambo on Zeppelin 2, complete with the Rambo 'AAAAAAAA'. More bullets the size a human arm tore into the blimp and took out one of its engines, causing it to lose altitude rapidly.
"Ve can still save the ship! Pull up! Pull up!" Zorin ordered. The Angry German Kid took the opportunity to rip out the entire control panel and use it to beat another officer while yelling 'ROID RAAAAGE!'.
This sent the zeppelin into a nosedive targeted at the Hellsing HQ. Seras attached a couple of 'WHAT THE FUCK' sized tubes that contained 'OMFGWTFBBBQ' sized grenades to the barrels of her twin cannons and fired both at the crashing blimp, putting Fourth of July fireworks displays to shame.
Seras took the opportunity to dump the METEOR unit and picked up the Harkonnen, making for the Hellsing conference room where Pip was so as to report the situation and formulate their next plan of action.
Zorin and what was left of her men landed from their jump of the zeppelin which was now a really big bonfire. Angry German Kid was left behind.
"How many of you are zere?" Zorin barked.
"Right now zere are but 42(HOLY SHIT!) of us now, but our morale is high! Ve vill tear those Hellsing dogs to pieces!" One of them replied.
"Güt, now CHAAAARGE!"
They charged, the one leading the mob of vampires yelling out "LEEROOOOY JEEEENKIIIINS!" like a battle cry. They ran onto a minefield and half of them were blown to itty bitty little vampire bits while Pip gave a short monologue about how vampires can read sword strokes and dodge bullets and shit but can't do nuts against a minefield.
"IT'S A TRAP!" One of the vampires, incidentally named Ackbar but he was only a private and not an admiral, called out.
"No shit, Sherlock!" Another retorted as they retreated as the Wild Geese holed up in the Hellsing manor launched grenades very accurately at the retreating vampires, blowing up more of them and garnering cries of displeasure, most of them consisting of 'hackers!', 'aimbot!' or 'campers!'.
Zorin was quite pissed and she vented her anger by bitch-slapping the ground and infecting it with her tattoos, which then turned into another Zorin but grew really large while Zorin cackled in a high pitched voice and yelled out "Make my monster grow!"
Big Zorin then started to cut up the building with her scythe and the Wild Geese started to run about like the Headless Chickens, clutching their wounds and yelling out in pain, while Seras used her third-eye thing and took careful aim at Zorin, putting a bullet into her cheek. Why she did not aim a little higher and a little more to the right, I do not know.
This dispersed the illusion of Big Zorin owning them, but it was only a distraction for the vampires to stick knives onto the minefield and use them as stepping stones. How they got so many knives when the armory of their ship is burning is another mystery.
They stormed the manor and started tearing apart the Wild Geese and draining them of their blood, not to say that the Geese weren't trying to put up a fight but they are only human. Seras and Hazama split up and ran around the place, killing any vampires that they came across and decapitating any bodies, living or dead, that were bitten.
Soon however, they were pushed back to the conference room. They barricaded the door with everything in the room, but it was blown to smithereens with a Panzerfaust. Zorin and four other vampires walked in.
"It seems to be our victory Hellsing. You have caused a great deal of damage to Millennium, vat vith blowing ze Zeppelin 2 up, so I vill make your deaths very slow and very, very painful." Zorin said with a sick grin that only took shape on the side of her face that was not tattooed.
"Uh, just curious but… do you have a penis?" Hazama asked.
"Vat, no! I am a woman!" Zorin exclaimed while blushing on the clean side of her face.
"She does look like a man, don't she?" Hazama insisted, turning to Pip, who nodded in agreement.
"Wee. Ze only zing zat tells me zat she is a woman is her boobs."
'Just for zat, your deaths vill be even slower and many times more painful." Zorin said with a very deep scowl that actually spread to the tattooed side of her face this time.
"You mad?" Hazama taunted.
"YES! I! MAD!" Zorin roared before lunging at Hazama. The other vampires took this as their cue to go nuts on the others, which Seras promptly turned to really wet crimson confetti. With that taken care off, they turned to watch the fight between Hazama and the tranny.
"I am NOT a TRANNY!" Zorin yelled up at the ceiling. Yeah, suuuuuure you're not.
"Who ya talking to, I didn't say anything yet." Hazama said with genuine confusion. You would be confused too if someone your fighting just up and yelled a denial to a non-existent insult.
"FUCK YOUR FACE!" Zorin screamed while swinging her scythe, which Hazama easily dodged. This didn't stop her(him?) from trying again, and again, and again, and again, and… you get the idea.
It wasn't long before she decided to start with a target that was not like a greased bar of wet soap that drunk a whole liter of Red Bull .So she impaled Pip with her scythe, enraging Seras who had not drank any blood prior to the invasion and hence Seras got her ass handed to her.
Zorin then cut off her left arm and blinded her, after which Hazama delivered a swift boot to Zorin's head and started dodging scythe swings again as he cackled maniacally and taunted her repeatedly.
Meanwhile, Seras crawled over to a dying Pip, got force kissed and was persuaded to drink his blood, which Pip claimed would give her 'unlimited POWAAAAH!'.
She drunk his blood, grew new eyes and a shadow-tendril-left-arm thing and proceeded to interrupt Hazama's scythe dodging by grabbing Zorin's head and slamming it into the wall repeatedly. She then proceeded to press her face against said wall while running at full speed, grinding her face into bits of skin, blood and bone. This seemed to please Hazama.
The two looked over to the remaining members of the Wild Geese, two of them in total. They saluted Seras as if acknowledging her as their leader despite their leader being eaten by her. She ran and jumped out the window, her new shadow-arm turning into a wing which she used to fly like a drunk man driving a sports car; swerving in random directions at 100mph.
Hazama launched his chain out the window and pulled himself in the general direction Seras was flying at, but was prepared to change directions if she up and decided to go in another direction while the two Geese stared at the broken window and wondered if their contract still stands.
On the wreckage of the HMS Eagle, Alucard was humming a song as he willed the ship to move towards London. "My coffin lies over the ocean, my coffin lies over the sea… My coffin lies over the ocean, and anyone who touched it will be sorry..."
Maxwell sat on a foldable lawn chair while reading an English newspaper. He had a lot if time on his hands as he was waiting for the members of the 9th crusade to get their asses over to his position so he could get promoted and lead an army of religious fanatics into a city full of zombies and vampires and certain death. Life is good sometimes.
He reached for a small cocktail glass, filled with a vodka martini that was stirred but not shaken. Why a cocktail was not shaken is yet another mystery that will go on unsolved. He looked through the glass at the city of London, once a city full of life, now the very picture of hell on earth. He smiled as he thought about how those Protestant pigs where finally getting what was coming to them and downed the cocktail in one swift gulp. He then fell off his chair after getting piss drunk as he was rather weak to alcohol. Life really sucks sometimes.
A/N: Well, that's it for this chapter. Sorry if the fight scene with Zorin seemed like an abridged series; short and not making any sense at all, but it was the best I could come up with. And speaking of Yoko cosplayers, I was at a cosplay festival over the weekend and I took a picture with a Yoko cosplayer aiming her huge-ass rifle at me. It was full of lulz and fail at the same time. I will change my profile picture to that one so check it out if you want. As always, leave a review and thanks to those who actually responded to my begging.