Before I begin has anyone else been having trouble logging in over the past few days or was that just me?
Ok, that question aside the other reason for the slight delay is once again exam related because the geniuses that they are (note sarcasm) have worked out that someone ordered the wrong paper and so have now reset the exam date for the end of March. That in itself wouldn't be so bad but what they have decided to do is carry on with the level 2 part, which we start tomorrow, and replace one of those lessons with the level 1 exam and then tack another level 2 lesson on at the end before we do the 2nd exam.
I know that in a way it makes sense but it does mean my head is going to be all over the place for a few weeks as I work through learning new things while also preparing for what is technically an old exam. Does that make sense? Anyway, updates may be a bit messy for a few weeks so please bear with me and I will do my best to keep posting at regular intervals.
Right, I'm going to stop talking now as you probably want to just read :o) Enjoy!
Forgiveness
The walk back towards Zack's apartment was awkward, the concerns about how things had been between them digging into Cloud's chest and making it hard to breath. The cadet knew it had all been necessary, that the soldier had to be angry at him so that the punishment could be done and would be accepted. But now as the moment of truth was approaching he felt scared, his heart and mind racing over whether the whole thing would be understood and forgiven. Beside him Kunsel chatted happily about his assignment in Junon, the soldier clearly trying to ease his worries while getting to know him better now that they were both officially off duty and the punishment was over. Although neither were willing to admit it just yet both knew that it was no coincidence they had met that afternoon, that it was not a bizarre twist of fate but the subtle work of Angeal, the commander's reason for such a thing being easy to guess even if it was not spoken out loud.
It was only as they reached the soldier apartments that Kunsel's words began to falter, his own thoughts now stumbling more over the idea of a cadet living with a soldier. He knew that mentor's and their students had to form a close bond to make the process work, that a good relationship was necessary to develop an unbreakable trust between them. What did confuse him however was when that process had changed to include becoming roommates, the concept actually surprising him a little based on past experiences. He was all too familiar with the rumours which had spread about Zack and Angeal in the early days, the pair constantly being considered as more and they hadn't even lived together. Kunsel sighed inwardly as they entered the building and moved towards the lift, his head now filled with at least a dozen questions for Zack about the whole thing. The only problem was that he didn't know how to ask them, the withdrawn silence of Cloud walking beside him giving even more reasons for concern.
Another quick glance at the cadet revealed just the same expression as before, the mask of indifference he was desperately trying to present being completely ruined by the fear swimming within his eyes. In fact the more he looked at those deep pools of blue the more the soldier felt himself being pulled in, the emotion so raw it looked as if the blonde himself was drowning in it. The soft ping of the lift was enough to snap Kunsel back to reality, a small shake of his head quickly clearing the daze he now found himself in. The situation was quickly becoming too complicated to make guesses at and he suddenly felt the need to talk to the raven haired soldier as soon as possible.
Inside the apartment Zack was watching the kitchen clock as if it were the timer on a very big bomb, his heart racing frantically in his chest while his mind had become a whirlwind of hopes and fears about Cloud's return. The talk with Angeal had made him aware of why the cadet had done it, the letters giving him an idea of the blonde's feelings, and in a way helping him to understand that it had technically been for the best. But now that Cloud was coming home he didn't know what to do, didn't know how things would be between them after the way they had been left that morning. The sound of someone knocking at the door brought Zack snapping back from his thoughts, his breath catching in his throat as he registered what had made the noise and what it could mean. A cold knot twisted in his stomach as he walked towards the door and silently prayed that it was someone else and not Cloud, because if the cadet wasn't comfortable using his key card then things were worse than he had previously thought.
What greeted the soldier as he opened the door was more than a surprise, his violet eyes widening slightly at the sight before he quickly composed himself again. There in front of him stood not only the blond he had been waiting for but also his assigned guard, the familiar face bringing a sense of relief that Zack didn't even know he had needed. For a moment no one spoke as they all hesitated in the doorway, the soldier's both smiling brightly at each other while the cadet continued to only stare at the floor.
"Hey Zack." Kunsel spoke up first, his cheerful voice easily breaking through the awkward silence. "Long time no see."
"Sure has been." The raven haired soldier replied with a smile. "So how was Junon?"
"Oh you know, the same as always." The soldier responded with a shrug, the small gesture showing that there was nothing of importance to report.
It was at this point that Cloud actually moved, his body shifting ever so slightly beside them both and drawing their combined attention towards him.
"You ok Spiky?" Zack asked hesitantly, the hint of concern in his voice being unmistakable.
"I'm fine." The cadet replied dryly, his head remaining bowed forward.
One look was enough to let them both know that the blonde was anything but fine, his tense posture and dishevelled form revealing more of his current state than words ever could. Instead of pushing the issue and risking another confrontation Zack kept his other worries tucked away and focused on what was more important in that moment.
"You should shower and get something to eat." He noted carefully, his eyes cautiously watching Cloud for any sign of a reaction. "An early night wouldn't hurt either."
"Yes sir." The cadet replied evenly, the lack of emotion bothering Zack more than he was willing to admit right then.
But this was the game they were now playing, the one where the pretence of only being mentor and student was slowly becoming dangerously real. It only added another bruise to the soldier's aching heart as Cloud quickly and quietly disappeared into the apartment, his retreating figure being hesitantly followed by Kunsel who entered after Zack's silent gesturing invitation for him to do so.
"So that's Spiky." The 3rd class soldier half asked half noted, as soon as the sound of running water could be heard coming from the bathroom.
"Yea, that's him." Zack sighed, his smile fading a little at the edges as he glanced towards the closed door.
"I wasn't aware that the mentoring scheme included becoming roommates now." Kunsel aired casually, his comment causing the other soldier to winch slightly before looking at him again.
"It doesn't." Zack admitted carefully, his violet eyes showing his uncertainty at saying anymore.
"So why's he staying here and not at the barracks?" The 3rd class soldier asked, his prior knowledge already giving him a good idea behind the reason.
"He had some problems with the other cadet's." Was the cautiously spoken reply he had half expected.
"I take it the bullying you suspected got out of hand?"
"Yea, it did." Zack answered bitterly, his violet spheres actually darkening as he spoke. "They were being rougher on him than I thought."
"But he came to you about it in the end though?"
"No it was the ... it was something else that brought it to my attention."
For a few minutes both stood in silence as Kunsel waited for a more detailed explanation, his patience going unrewarded as Zack remained quiet and began to shift uncomfortably in front of him. This abnormal behaviour in itself was enough to let the 3rd class soldier know that whatever had happened it must have been something bad, his friend's unusual nervous movements and apparent unwillingness to speak about the matter only adding to his growing feelings of concern.
"Zack." Kunsel spoke up uncertainly, his own feet now shifting restlessly. "I'm not exactly up to date with the compound gossip yet but I've already heard a few things about him."
"Like what?" The raven haired soldier asked, his tone suddenly becoming defensive.
"Relax I'm not about to insult you by saying that I believe all of it." The 3rd class soldier began, his hands rising in a sign of peace. "I'm just saying that there's stuff being said which you might want to be aware of."
For the briefest of moments it looked as if Zack was about to ask for more information, his mouth opening and closing several times before he finally settled on sighing in frustration. Both knew that now was not the time to discuss these things, especially when the cadet they were talking about could return at any moment.
"Look, I've got a session booked in the VR room tomorrow." Kunsel spoke up, an idea coming to mind which he knew the other soldier would agree too. "Why don't we work through a program together and catch up."
Zack's mood instantly lightened at the suggestion, his violet eyes now brightening once more so that they sparkled with the joyful light which the 3rd class soldier was used to seeing. Both understood that the session would not only give them a chance to talk more freely but also the opportunity to have some fun training together, something which they hadn't been able to do for a while now.
"That sounds great." Zack agreed happily, his mind already confirming that it would be fine for them to meet up while Cloud was in class.
"Great, then I'll see you at ten." Kunsel noted cheerfully, his feet already moving towards the door to leave with the other soldier following close behind him.
"Sure and thanks, for everything." Zack said, as he opened the door to see his guest out.
"No worries." Kunsel replied with a cheerful smile, his hand rising to give a mock salute just before he turned and walked away.
With a heavy sigh the raven haired soldier slowly closed the door and then lent his forehead against the flat surface, the solid material feeling cool to the touch and helping him to focus on what was to come next. His heart was already racing again as he thought about the cadet currently showering, the images of a naked wet Cloud making him grin while thoughts about the conversation they needed to have made his stomach flip-flop horribly. Drawing in a deep steadying breath Zack pushed himself into an upright position and moved towards the kitchen, his intention to cook them both a decent dinner temporarily giving him something else to think about.
Twenty minutes later and the cadet emerged from the bathroom wrapped in nothing but a towel, his glistening wet body moving hastily through the apartment until it was safely hidden within the bedroom. The soldier wasn't surprised when the door was quickly closed, in effect shutting him out, the brief flicker of emotions he had seen in Cloud's eyes letting him know that his earlier suspicions had been right. With a sad but hopeful smile Zack turned his attention back to the task as hand, his mind already whispering a silent prayer that the blonde would find the letter he had left on their bed for such an event.
Within the bedroom Cloud's heart was also racing again, his insides slowly becoming a twisted knot of feelings as he struggled to sort through them all. He had been fine while standing beneath the pounding spray of the shower, the hot water thankfully easing some of the aches and pains of the day, his mind actually finding a moment of clarity as the blood sweat and tears were washed away. But now that he had dealt with the physical wounds of the punishment there were only the emotional problems left to face, the fears and uncertainties of how things would be between them quickly filling his head with doubt. The cadet knew that they needed to talk about it, understood that until they did things would only get worse. But now as he stood in the empty room he began to feel scared and unsure, the cool air that nipped at his exposed skin making him feel even more cold and alone.
Quickly the blonde moved to dry off and get dressed for bed, his mind thankfully allowing him a few minutes of peace from the negative thoughts as he focused on a task which was necessary. It was only as Cloud pulled the cotton t-shirt down over his head that he suddenly felt a sense of calm ease through his body, a familiar scent on the material causing him to pause in what he was doing. Slowly the cadet gathered a small piece of the fabric against his chest and raised it up to his nose, his lungs drawing in a deep breath as he inhaled the musky aroma.
Blue eyes widened slightly as the blonde realised that it was Zack's scent which now filled his senses, the soothing fragrance drifting up from the clothes he wore and providing a temporary relief from it all. A faint smile began to form on Cloud's lips as he closed his eyes and thought about how the smell had gotten there, images of them lying side by side in bed making his heart fill with both joy and sadness. There was no way to know if he would be allowed to share in that experience ever again, the cadet's smile now bitter sweet as he clung to the memories as if they were the only ones he would ever have. Once again he felt the worries of the day begin to stir within his head, the heart-wrenching thoughts forcing him to start thinking about the unknown and consider what should happen next.
In truth Cloud had spent the whole day going over this moment in his head, all the things he wanted to say when they were reunited being worked out in painful detail. But now that the time had come the blonde couldn't remember any of it, the apologies and explanations he had worked so hard to form now a jumbled up mess within his head. Instead of facing Zack like he should have done he'd run away again, had literally shut the door on it all so that he wouldn't have to take the risk of being hurt. It was a weak and foolish thing to do, a response that only a coward would have and the cadet began to hate himself more for it. With a frustrated sigh the blonde threw himself onto the bed, his face instantly meeting the cool crisp feel of paper rather than the soft warmth of a pillow. With a start Cloud sat up and looked down at the unexpected item, the clean white folded piece of parchment bearing his name staring up at him expectantly. With trembling hands the blonde carefully picked it up and unfolded the page so that the words would be displayed more clearly, all other thoughts now being pushed aside as he began to read.
__________________
Hey Spiky
Well if you're reading this then one of two things has happened, either I didn't have enough courage to actually talk to you when you got home or if I did then it didn't go well. Hopefully I'm wrong and everything between us is how it should be, that right now you're lying asleep in my arms where you belong and this letter is a screwed up piece of paper in the bin. But if as I fear this is not the case then all I can do is hope that you will accept my apology, that you will forgive me for not having the strength to face you after the hurt I caused before and then the stupidity I must have shown in letting it happen again. I also want you to know that I'm sorry for the way I acted this morning, and admit that I overreacted when we fought, that I didn't really understand what you were going through. I'm now aware that there were things you had thought about which I was blind too, worries you had that were more than justified and something I shouldn't have dismissed so easily or carelessly.
I don't know if this will make things better or worse between us right now, but we swore to each other there would be no secrets and it's a promise which I intend to keep. It is also this honesty which makes the next part hard to write, but I want you to know the truth and can only hope that you will forgive me if my actions cause you more hurt. After talking with Angeal I realised that the goodbye letter you tried to write was something I needed to read and so I did, each attempt helping me to see things more clearly. I'm not really sure if you wanted me to have them, at least not in the state they were in, but I had to know what they said so in turn could understand things better.
What I've learnt is that sometimes the words which are needed to explain how we feel can be the hardest ones to find, your attempts all showing me the things which you couldn't say out loud but clearly feel deep inside. Please don't hate me for what I 'm about to say, especially after all the effort you put into the letters you wrote, but I want you to know that there are also times when we don't have to say anything at all. This is probably going to sound a little creepy but there are moments at night where I lie and watch you sleep, the silence around us meaning nothing because your very presence in my arms says it all. I'm not sure if I've explained myself properly but I hope you understand what I mean, that sometimes actions speak louder and more clearly than words ever could.
Ok, so there we have it, my own rather disastrous attempt at writing down the things I was unable to say before you had a reason to find this. I can only imagine that right now I am probably pacing outside in the living room as you read, my heart somewhere in my throat as I wait for you to either reply or ignore me. I truly hope that what I say next will ease any tension there might be between us, that if we're not speaking because of our fear or anger then this next part will give you a reason to talk to me again. I need you to know that I accept your apologies but that they were never necessary, that I would forgive you anything as long as you remain by my side forever. I too would be lost without you should we ever be separated, the bond which has formed between us making you more precious to me than life itself. I will never leave you Cloud no matter what happens, but should fate ever choose to pull us apart I will never forget what we have and you will always be in my heart.
Zack
__________________
The soldier wasn't sure when the bedroom door had opened but suddenly he could feel eyes staring at him, his own body freezing in place within the kitchen as he slowly looked up and across to where the cadet stood. No longer where blue eyes looking fearfully at him but instead filled with a brightness which had no comparison, the sapphire like gems shining more radiantly than any star ever could. There was nothing but love in those deep rich pools of blue, the glistening orbs allowing tears to escape and trail down over a face which held the most wondrous of smiles the world had ever seen. Had it not been for the look of pure joy on the blonde's angelic face Zack would have feared the worst at the sight of those tears, but now the tiny drops of liquid meant something else entirely. They were the visual evidence of the words Cloud hadn't been able to say, the things he still struggled with but now knew were understood and shared.
The cadet could feel his whole body shaking as he stood in the doorway, his feet frozen in place and unable to cross the short distance between them. In front of him stood the blurry image of the man he loved, the soldier's violet eyes now a sea of emotions which reflected his own and pulled at him from where he stood. The blonde felt his legs going weak as he forced himself to take a step forward, as he tried to pretend that everything was alright and that he wasn't really drowning in the depths of it all.
"I'm sorry." Cloud managed, before the air around him was suddenly too thick to breath.
Instead of responding with words Zack turned and started to move towards him, strong muscular arms reaching out so that they instantly captured the trembling cadet in a tight embrace. Cloud wasn't given a chance to speak again as his smaller frame was suddenly pulled up and against the soldier's body, as he was forced to rise up on his toes and Zack's mouth quickly descended upon his own. The cadet barely had time to draw a small gasping breath as their lips met, as the feel of those soft delicate pieces of flesh moving against his own stole the words he had been about to say.
For Zack there had been no hesitation in what he wanted to do, no doubts about what he knew was needed as he poured his heart into the kiss. All the things he had wanted to say were gone now, the useless questions and debates fleeing his mind as soon as Cloud had appeared in the doorway. With no other rational thoughts to control him the soldier had let his instincts take over, had given into the one demand which had been there throughout. He had no regrets for that now, not as he held the blonde's body tightly against his own and let the love he felt be shown in the purest way he could. But it wasn't until Cloud began to respond to the kiss that Zack's heart finally started beating again, the lithe body in his arms now reacting to what was happening by drawing them in tighter against each other.
There was no longer a need to say anything as Cloud pressed himself closer into the soldier's chest, his supple body desperately trying to mould itself to the larger frame so that there was more contact between them. The intimate kiss itself wasn't enough for the blonde anymore, the need which coursed through his veins giving him the courage to take it further. He only hesitated briefly before pushing his tongue against Zack's lips, as he teased at the seam silently begging to make this moment more than it already was. His heart nearly leapt from his chest when the soldier's mouth opened willingly, when a strong hand grasped the back of his head and pulled it forward encouragingly. In that moment time itself stopped and the rest of the world disappeared, the fears and uncertainties within the cadet being washed away as light and warmth flowed through his body.
For the soldier there was nothing else to think about except this moment, his mind a haze of relief and joy as he freely gave everything that he was to the person in his arms. But for Cloud there was so much more racing through his head, the realisation that no longer was he alone without a place in the world. Suddenly he understood that Zack really loved him, even after everything which had been said and done, still wanted him by his side just as the letter had said. The cadet felt his heart begin to beat a new rhythm within his chest, his body now coming to life in a way he'd never imagined as he began to return the feelings being given. Slim arms wound themselves around the soldier's neck pulling them closer together, the blonde's tongue now fighting back as the passionate kiss became even more heated and desperate. There was so much to be said, so many words that should have been spoken, yet this moment of intense wonder seemed to be saying it all for them.
Almost instantly both became lost in the kiss and blind to anything else as they shared in the experience, in simply giving and taking what words could not express. Lips crashed together fiercely bruising the tender flesh, as tongues delved within the warm cavern of their mouths and fought hungrily to taste the other. Neither wanted to let go as the love they felt spilled out of their bodies and into the others, the need to forgive and be forgiven running desperately through their veins. It was only when the world began to swim in colours that they broke away from each other, their chests heaving almost painfully as both fought to draw precious air into their lungs.
For a few minutes they stood and held each other tightly, their bodies continuing to tremble in the other's arms as both struggled to bring themselves back under control. Neither rushed to speak as their breathing began to calm, both still unsure what to say as they listened to the others frantically beating heart as it started to calm. Slowly and hesitantly shimmering blue eyes opened and looked up to connect with glowing violet spheres, the unspoken emotions held within the brightly coloured orbs saying so much more than words ever could. And suddenly it was as if all of the things which they had been afraid of were gone, all the worries which had plagued both soldier and cadet throughout the day now melted away by the heat of their kiss.
It was no surprise then that the pair now found themselves standing in a comfortable silence, the storm of emotions which had raged within each of them slowly fading away, the simple pleasure of being held maintaining the unspoken reassurances which both still needed. It was the soldier who eventually brought the tender moment to an end, his thoughts once more returning to the conditions the cadet had been working in and making him feel unsettled. Zack knew that the punishment would have been harsh on Cloud as well as caused a lot of discomfort, just as he was also sure that the cadet would have been only allowed a short break for lunch with probably a horrible and completely inedible meal. It was with these thoughts that the soldier's mind began to form a plan, his need to have things back to the way they were driving him to interrupt the peaceful moment.
"Are you hungry?"Zack asked soothingly, his hands now moving to gently rub along the blonde's back.
"A little." Cloud agreed quietly, a small contented sigh escaping just after the words had been spoken.
"I was just sorting some food out, if you're interested?" The soldier offered softly, his head tilting to one side so that he could see the cadet's face more clearly.
"That would be nice." The blonde replied lightly, his face lifting up so that their eyes could meet again.
Both smiled happily and held each other for a few minutes more, their bodies only separating once the pot on the stove actually began to boil over. Zack gave a quick but clearly reluctant hug before he pulled away, his finger tips trailing down over Cloud's arms until the distance forced him to break the contact between them completely.
From where he now stood the soldier was able to watch as the cadet slowly made his way over to the sofa and sunk into the soft material, his position within the kitchen allowing him to clearly see every silent flinch in the cadet's movements. For a brief second Zack considered saying something about it, his mind quickly catching up with his mouth before it could actually speak the words. Right now Cloud needed a good meal and emotional comfort just as Angeal had said he would, the blonde's physical aches and pains obviously something he was not yet ready to admit to and being a problem they would deal with later.