Hi
Once again I must thank you all for being so patient with me and my poor excuses for the delayed updates. I now have car troubles, work issues and more muck up's with the exam dates (yes they ****** up again) to add to my normal routine and as a result it has been really hard to focus on this chapter.
Just so you know the story carries on from where we left off and the boys have a bit more of a heart to heart, except this time it's Zack's turn to open up a bit more as I felt it was time that Cloud started to learn a few things as well.
As always I hope you enjoy and please let me know what you think :o)
Innocence
Cloud's own words now echoed softly within his head as he sat in the bedroom and waited, the confession mixing with Zack's request to take care of him a bit more and reminding him why he had accepted the offer so happily. The cadet knew that he had meant every word of the admission, the truth being something he wanted the soldier to know however embarrassing it might have been to say out loud. He couldn't deny that it hadn't been comforting to see Zack happy at hearing the revelation, nor had it been a surprise that the soldier would want to do more than just apply a healing ointment once permission had been given. Yet the blonde couldn't understand why it now felt as if it might become something else, why the innocent offer to help take away some of the pain was making his heart race within his chest and the steady breaths he tried to maintain feel like they weren't enough.
Cloud knew that Zack's intentions were honourable when he had suggested the massage, that it was only the need to make him feel better which had shown within the soldier's eyes and nothing more. Yet the cadet's heart was now beating as if he had been running all day as he thought about those hands upon his body, the large muscle deep in his chest pounding out a rhythm which was just too fast and too loud to go unnoticed by mako enhanced ears. Once again the blonde willed himself to be calm as he adjusted his position on the edge of the bed, his fingers already playing with the hem of his t-shirt as a repeated mantra that everything was ok fell silently from his lips. But really Cloud wasn't ok, his body in fact already a ball of nerves as he tried to calm his frantic breathing and not acknowledge the steadily growing problem between his legs.
Zack had waited for the cadet to make his way into the bedroom before moving again himself, the realisation of what the blonde had just agreed to not really hitting him until he had put the first aid kit away. It was at this point the solder actually smacked himself in the face with an open hand, his calloused palm scrapping against his nose as it slid down to settle over his lips. Wide violet eyes now looked across the room and focused on the slightly open bedroom doorway, as not so innocent images of the cadet lying on the bed semi-naked waiting for him made Zack's next breath catch in his throat and his body start to react.
Inside the bedroom Cloud had not yet moved, his limbs now trembling slightly and unable to follow any basic commands he placed upon them. Already the blonde was telling himself that he needed to get into the position the soldier had suggested, that he had to be lying down with his top off by the time Zack came in or it might look as if was going back on what he'd said. But however much he tried the cadet's body refused to cooperate, his head telling him it was nothing more than a form of treatment for an injury while his heart was whispering out that it could be so much more. And this was what had Cloud so lost and confused, why feelings of excitement and anticipation flowed through him as well as ones of nervous dread.
Snapping back to reality and realising what was happening, the soldier cursed softly and shifted his weight to relieve some of the growing pressure in his trousers. Inside his head a stern voice was reminding him that the intention was to make Cloud feel better, to work out some of the knots which had formed in the blonde's body as a result of the punishment he'd endured. But the problem was Zack hadn't thought past that point when he'd suggested it, had not considered that an all over body message was a lot more personal and intimate than the one he'd done before on just the cadet's leg. With this thought came others which questioned what Cloud might now be thinking, that perhaps the cadet was only agreeing to an innocent experience and completely unaware of how it could lead to something more physical between them. And for a minute the soldier could only stand and stare at where he needed to go, the uncertainty of what the blonde was expecting holding him firmly in place.
Questions now rushed through Cloud's head like a whirlwind, the what's, if's and buts' becoming a raging storm in his mind as he tried to work out what he would do for each possible situation. But somewhere amongst it all there were thoughts which left him more than breathless, the realisation that if the soldier did suggest something more intimate that he might just agree to it. To this self-discovery the cadet could only blush in response as a hot flush worked its way over his pale skin, the swelling in his lap giving him a reason to consider that maybe he did want Zack to try something. After all it wasn't like they hadn't kissed before or seen each other almost naked, the memories of which made Cloud's face grow even warmer as he thought about them. But now it was different than all of those times, the awareness of this giving the cadet a reason to feel unsure and wonder if he was ready to go further. And then thoughts of the soldier's past relationships came to mind like a cloud blocking out the sun, questions concerning just how much more Zack knew about these things making the blonde feel even more uncomfortable regarding his own inexperience. A slight movement outside the door drew Cloud's attention away from his thoughts, the cadet slowly looking up as he heard the sound of someone approaching and his heart began to race once more.
There had been training missions and near death experiences which had been less nerve-wracking than this moment, the soldier's thoughts taunting him even as he stood outside the partially open door. Once again Zack reminded himself that it was just an innocent massage, that Cloud would be expecting a friendly face to greet him in a minute and not to have an uncomfortably aroused soldier walk through the door. Drawing in a slow steadying breath Zack focused on calming his respirations, his heart slowing just enough to not give him away as he began to move forward and into the bedroom.
Almost instantly their eyes met across the small distance between them and both saw what the other was thinking, the unspoken understanding making each blink in surprise and then look away in embarrassment.
"Are you feeling it too?" Zack asked uncertainly, one strong hand now scratching at the back of his head nervously.
"Yes." Cloud whispered in response, his head turning back slightly but still remaining bowed low.
"I promise not to do anything you're uncomfortable with, but if you really don't want to do this then we don't have to." The soldier offered gently, knowing it was the right thing to do even as he silently hoped that the blonde wouldn't accept it.
"It's ok." The cadet replied softly, his sky blue eyes glowing brightly as they cautiously peered up through blonde bangs. "It's just ... I mean ... could I ... maybe ..."
"You want keep your top on?" Zack finished for him, the relief in Cloud's expression showing him it had been the right question.
"Yes." The blonde breathed, his heart actually fluttering as he saw the warmth and understanding in the soldier's expression.
"It's not a problem and how about I start with your legs?" Zack suggested, his larger frame already sinking to the floor at Cloud's feet. "It will be just like last time and we can work up to the rest when you're more comfortable."
"Ok." The cadet agreed softly, his eyes still a little wide as they took in the sight of the soldier now kneeling before him like a man bowed in prayer.
"Try to relax." Zack advised gently, his violet spheres looking up to connect with nervous sky blue orbs. "If you don't like it tell me and I'll stop, I promise. After all the whole point is to help you unwind, not make you feel tenser, right?"
The words had been more of a statement of fact than a question, the light-hearted tone trying to cover up for the soldier's own uncertainty about what he was about to do. Cloud hadn't missed any of this, his senses easily picking up on how Zack was now responding to the hesitant vibes which he knew were radiating off him in waves. The problem was that the soldier didn't understand why he was feeling this way, that it was not anxiety or fear which caused his heart to race faster but the excitement of what else might happen.
"I'm sorry." The cadet whispered, his sapphire eyes darting away as he drew in a deep steadying breath and let it out again slowly. "I ... it's not what you're thinking. The reason why I ... why I seem nervous, it's not ... not what you're thinking."
"Oh?" Was the inquisitive yet uncertain reply, which followed the broken confession. "And what am I thinking?"
"That I'm scared about you ... doing this, or that I might freak out or something." The blonde stammered, his hand slowly reaching out to cup Zack's cheek affectionately. "I'm nervous because I ... I have all these thoughts and feelings and ... and it's ... it's confusing."
"Then try explaining it to me." The soldier began, his face leaning into the touch just as Cloud had done to him only a short time ago. "Tell me what you're feeling inside."
"It's not that easy." The cadet replied before chuckling softly, the sound being almost light-hearted and full of self-conscious embarrassment. "I wouldn't know where to being."
"Close your eyes." Zack order gently, one hand rising to delicately run finger tips down over Cloud's face and carefully force his eyelids to slide closed. "Now take in a deep breath and try to imagine all your questions and concerns as the air inside of you."
The soldier smiled as delicate eyelashes remained down and sky blue spheres stayed hidden, the cadet in front of him nodding silently just before he took the slow lungful of air. Here Zack waited for a moment and gave Cloud time to gather his thoughts, a brief pause in his instructions giving the cadet a chance to focus on the things which were hard to explain so they could become a little clearer to see.
"Got it?" He asked faintly, his hand now mirroring Cloud's so that they each held the other's face tenderly.
With his soft lips pressed together to hold the breath in the blonde couldn't reply with words, but the brief nod he gave against the soldier's calloused palm was enough to show that he was ready for the next part.
"Ok, now when you breathe out I want you to focus on pushing all those things out as well." Zack explained, his voice both comforting and insistent at the same time. "Then when you don't feel like there's any air left in your body, and you can't possible get any more out, I want you to say the first thing which comes to your mind."
And suddenly the soldier found that he had no breath of his own, the sight of the cadet's brow furrowing as he began to slowly exhale and do as he had been instructed . He could see the faint strain on the blonde's delicate features as all those thoughts were forced out, his heart suddenly finding a place in his throat as Cloud's body swayed slightly as he truly emptied his lungs of air.
"Cloud." Zack gasped, as his quickly moved to catch the cadet's shoulders and support him.
"Who was your first?" The blonde wheezed, the words vanishing as he drew in a desperate gulping breath to replace what had been lost.
The question was not one the soldier had been expecting, his mind prepared for words of uncertainty, requests for reassurances, or even an offer for things which he wasn't sure Cloud was really ready to do. But at no point had he considered the cadet to ask about something as personal as his past experiences, the various responses he had half planned now completely useless to him. There was no time to prevent the revealing emotions which flashed through his eyes before he had a chance to recover from the shock, the cadet's expression becoming pained and fearful as he felt the soldier begin to pull away from him.
"I'm sorry." Cloud choked, his hands reaching out and grabbing Zack's top to stop him from moving back any further. "I shouldn't have asked, it doesn't matter, forget I said anything."
"No it's ... it's ok." The soldier murmured faintly, his sun-kissed skin managing to look a little paler than it had done a few moments ago. "I told you to do it, so I should ... accept what you ... asked."
"But not if it upsets you." The cadet replied quickly, his blue eyes wide and filled with guilt for causing Zack to feel this pain.
For a moment the soldier tried to deny it and shook his head silently as if to say it was alright, his raven haired spikes bouncing softly in front of his face and creating a curtain between them. But Cloud had seen the troubled expression on Zack's handsome features before they became hidden, an anguished look that he had never seen before, and lavender eyes which now appeared stained in a way which spoke of hurt and memories best left in the past.
If what he'd seen hadn't been enough to make the cadet's heart ache then the sigh which escaped the soldier's body was, the soft sound filled with so much emotion that Cloud was lost as he tried to work out what he should do to make things better. For the first time since he had known Zack there was a look of regret in those wondrous violet orbs, the soldier himself now looking so exposed and vulnerable as if an old wound had just been ripped open. But that was the problem and the cadet instantly saw it, out of all the questions he could have asked that had been the one to cut like a sword into Zack's heart and make it bleed.
"I'm sorry." Cloud repeated, his voice barely a whisper as he clung to the soldier's shirt as if he were hanging on for dear life. "Please don't hate me."
It was perhaps these words which snapped Zack from his deep thoughts, his amethyst spheres flicking up to see the shimmering blue which silently pleaded with him to be forgiven.
"I don't hate you for asking Spiky." The soldier replied, his voice a little thicker as he tried to speak past the rising lump in his throat. "It's just something I wasn't expecting, that's all."
"You don't have to tell me, if you don't want to." Cloud offered almost instantly, his heart feeling crushed at Zack's saddened expression.
"It's ok." The soldier reassured faintly, his head turning away once more and his eyes now focused on something the blonde couldn't see. "You deserve to know the truth, I mean you're starting to tell me about your past so it's only fair."
"I ... I guess." The cadet mumbled softly, his voice revealing his uncertainty about what was happening.
"Could I ... I mean it would help if I was doing something while we talked." Zack explained, as he reached out and gently took hold of Cloud's left leg, his hands waiting for the cadet to agree before he began to massage the calf muscle. "It gives me something else to focus on." He explained, as his thumbs began to rub small circles over the skin they were touching.
"Ok." Cloud breathed, the sight of those softly glowing violet eyes finally brightening again and making everything seem a little better.
"It was while I was a third and stationed at a base near Kalm." Zack began, his skilled fingers instantly kneading the muscle as soon as the first words had passed his lips. "We were there as part of a training program for second class soldiers, as part of their assessments for promotion to 1st's, sort of like a trial run of their leadership skills but only with a smaller unit."
"You were part of the team?" The cadet asked softly, unsure if he was allowed to actually ask questions at this moment in time.
"Yea, I was one of six guys in the Beta team." The soldier replied with a soft chuckle, the slight curve of his lips increasing a little more as if warmed by the memory. "There were two teams, the Alpha's and the Beta's, with six 3rd class soldiers in both teams and a 2nd leading each of them."
"Original names." Cloud mumbled before he could stop himself, a small snort from Zack letting him know that his slip had not been taken with offence.
"Yea well it's better than some of the names people come up with." The soldier pointed out, his voice lighter and more relaxed even though he had yet to look up at the cadet again.
"I'm sorry for interrupting, please continue." The blonde offered by way of an apology, his eyes never leaving the top of Zack's head as the soldier continued to knead the muscle in his hands.
"It was supposed to be a short stint, you know two weeks there, three at the most, and then back again." Zack began, his attention now switching to the other leg and repeating the same actions. "But things didn't quite work out and so we ended up being there for closer to two months."
"Why?" Cloud asked curiously, the reason perhaps not being important but still something he wanted to know.
"I guess you could round the whole thing up to bad luck in a way." The soldier answered offhandedly, the slight tightness of his voice not matching the casual way he had tried to say it. "To start with the base wasn't ready for us when we arrived, which made it hard to settle in straight away, then some freak weather conditions hindered our assignments. We still had to do them because it was part of the training but it didn't help when some of the guys got sick, that really crushed the morale of both teams."
"I think bad luck's an understatement." The cadet grumbled, his hand now taking up a position above Zack's head so that he could run his fingers through the mass of dark hair. "Why didn't they just pull out and try again another time."
"Couldn't." The soldier replied simply, a happier sigh following the word at the blonde's comforting touch. "The way it was set up the team leaders had to meet specific targets before we could head back, whatever the conditions. The sergeant in charge there stated that no one could return to Midgar unless it was a matter of life and death or war broke out."
"And Angeal was ok with this?" Cloud asked in disbelief, his tone clearly revealing the annoyance he felt towards the idea.
"No." Zack all but choked, as this time he laughed and released his hold on the cadet's leg. "I think he lasted about a month before he came out to join us, or me I should say. It's funny because I used to complain about him always watching over me but ..." Here the soldier's words paused and something happier seemed to form within him, an unspoken calm easing through his body as he drew a breath to continue speaking. "I swear Spiky I'd never been so happy to see that man in my life before, even if he did cause no end of grief by fussing over me once he was there."
"He was worried about you." The blonde suggested, the words coming out as more of a question than a statement.
"Yea, he was." Zack agreed softly, as he began to rise to his feet and moved to sit behind Cloud on the bed.
It was almost instinctive that the cadet suddenly went to take his top off, the soldier's hands quickly reaching round to capture his and hold them in place as they gripped the hem of his t-shirt.
"No, not ... not now." Zack whispered against his ear, the warm breath holding a silent tenderness that begged to be understood. "I can't do this if ... if I'm thinking about ..."
"It's ok." Cloud soothed, his fingers loosening on the fabric they held and twisting to become entwined with the soldiers. "Just know that if you need to I ... I don't mind."
"Thank you." Zack breathed, the tension in his embrace easing slightly as he took a moment to silently hold the cadet against him.
Cloud wasn't sure exactly how much he could ask about what had happened, but he knew he had to say something, his mind instantly flicking to the one subject which he knew would be a good and safe place to start them talking again.
"Did Angeal sort the problems out?"
His suspicions were proven to be correct when he heard the soldier let out a deep breath and relax a little more, the strong arms which held him giving a quick hug before they moved away and skilled hands began working on the knots in his shoulders.
"He came in and got everything worked out." Zack confirmed, his voice sounding more matter-of-factly about it than anything else. "Got the sick guys seen too properly, organised what still needed doing, and then helped the 2nds rebuild everyone's spirits again."
"Shouldn't the Sergeant in charge have done that already?" Cloud asked hesitantly, his head remaining faced forwards even though he wished he could see the soldier's expression right now.
"Yea but the guy was more than useless. I mean he couldn't have organised a piss-up in a brewery, even if his life had depended on it." Zack spat, the humour of the comment lost to the irritation he obviously felt for the man. "He also said it was down to the 2nd's to sort us out as part of their field tests. The asshole didn't give a damn about helping when they got stuck, just wanted to see them struggle when things went to shit."
"Zack." The cadet suddenly whimpered in a soft pained protest, the soldier's grip having unconsciously tightened in response to his rising anger.
"Shit. I'm sorry Spiky I ... I didn't mean to." Zack stammered, his hands pulling away from the blonde's body as if they had just been burnt.
"It's ok." Cloud hurried to reassure him, as soon as the crushing hold loosened and he was able to look back at the soldier. "Please don't stop, I want you to carry on."
"Maybe I shouldn't." Zack mumbled, as he shifted uncomfortably and looked away from the cadet's concerned gaze.
"Please." Was all the blonde had to repeat, his sky blue eyes clearly revealing how he felt and saying everything else for him.
"Alright." The soldier agreed after a minute, his hands slowly coming back up to take their place as Cloud turned round to face the front again.
For a few minutes they sat in silence as Zack continued to work out the few kinks along the cadet's arms, his hands nervously working the deltoid and bicep muscles as they deliberately avoided the area which they had just been responsible for bruising. Cloud allowed it to carry on for a little longer because he knew what the soldier was doing but soon it began to bother him, the quiet between them and the wariness in Zack's touch making him feel even tenser than before they had started.
"Talk to me." The cadet demanded gently, his tone trying to be kind but also show that he wouldn't take no for an answer. "Tell me why this is upsetting you so much, why you ... why you're afraid to touch me."
"I'm not ..." Zack began, before the blonde's stern words cut him off.
"Yes you are." Cloud growled softly, a voice within his head already cursing him for being the one to start the conversation with his question. "You're holding back and you have every right to keep things to yourself, so please don't think I'm pushing for you to tell me everything." The cadet began, his words coming out so quickly now that the soldier wouldn't have been able to interrupt even if he had wanted to. "I can see that it hurts you to talk about it, and I understand that I really do, but please ... please don't let it come between us. I'm sorry for asking about something so personal, I didn't know it would upset you like this and it doesn't matter now, I don't need to know. Just please don't ... don't pull away from me, don't touch me like I might break." Here the blonde's words faltered as he choked on a small sob, the tears on his face now evident in his voice as the words continued to pour from his lips. "I have things I'm not ready to talk about yet either so you don't have to tell me, just ... just hold me, please."
Cloud's heartfelt outburst had barely finished when powerful arms moved to wrap themselves around him, his smaller frame being instantly drawn back against Zack's chest so that he was now cocooned within the folds of the soldier's body in a tight embrace.
"I'm sorry." Zack breathed against his neck, as he surround the blonde with as much of himself as he could. "I didn't realise it felt like I was pulling away, I just didn't want to risk hurt you again."
"I wouldn't have asked you to carry on if I didn't trust you." Cloud replied quietly, the tone a little chastising even as it was spoken with a soft sadness.
"You're right and I'm happy knowing that you do." The soldier sighed, his hold on the cadet relaxing a little but not letting go. "And I do want to explain this to you it's just that the memories are ... it's not something I've let myself think about for a while. Do you understand?"
"Yes." The blonde whispered, letting his head tilt to one side so he could nuzzle a strong arm affectionately. "Try just telling me what you think I need to know to answer the question. We can go over the rest another time when it feels easier." He suggested, his words escaping as a warm breath along Zack's arm and drawing a lighter, happier sigh from the raven haired teen's body.
"That sounds fair enough." The soldier agreed, as he let his chin rest on the blonde's shoulder and settled into the embrace.
Cloud didn't try to protest or change the position they were now sitting in, the way Zack's arms had enfolded him in comforting warmth more than making up for the soldier's obvious evasion of carrying on the massage. Instead he focused on listening to Zack's words as the past was explained, the sound and feel of the soldier's heart beat against his back letting him know which parts were the hardest to say.
"His name was Kyle and he was one of the 2nd's doing his assessment, my team leader just in case you hadn't already guessed that part."
"I had a feeling." Cloud confirmed gently, then went quiet again so that Zack could continue.
"He was a great person Spiky, so full of life. I mean he was kind, funny, light-hearted and so easy going on use 3rd's, but at the same time really serious about what he was doing. I think that's what pissed the sergeant in charge off so much, the fact that even though everything was going to hell he just kept smiling and trying to work through it."
"Like you do." The cadet offered warmly, his hands tightening on the soldier's arms to offer comfort in case the words were the wrong ones to use.
"Yea, I ... I guess so." Zack breathed, his tone almost bittersweet about the fact. "I think that's what attracted me to him in the first place and probably why we got along so well, why our working relationship became more than it should have been."
The way the soldier said this left no doubt in Cloud's mind that what they were now talking about was not common knowledge, that the things he was currently being told were said in confidence for his ears only. Not wanting to interrupt Zack's explanation anymore the cadet remained quiet, something within him making a small mental note to check if Angeal or Reno knew so that he wouldn't say something wrong in front of them.
"I'm not going to lie and say that I didn't think about him in that way at night, that my mind didn't sometimes wonder to the what if's when we worked together. But I kept my personal feelings in check because I understood the importance of why we were there. I promise you Spiky if anyone deserved to be a first it was him and I wasn't going to ruin that for anything." The soldier continued, his voice becoming a little wistful and dreamy as the happier memories came to the surface. "I think we became closer because we ended up spending a lot of time together trying to get things done, doing extra patrols and assignments when the others got sick, and keeping everyone going when their spirits were down. I know he felt guilty when I pulled extra shifts or duties to help him but I honestly didn't mind, it was good training for me and a good excuse to spend more time with him."
Cloud couldn't help but feel the slight twist in his stomach at the idea of Zack trying so hard to spend more time with someone else, a flash of reality making him see that the soldier had attempted to do exactly the same thing by becoming his mentor. But still there was an underlying sting that Zack had acted on his feelings with more confidence back then, compared to how he'd held back when getting to know Cloud. And suddenly the cadet had the feeling that there was something about the story which would explain Zack's hesitation of getting too close to him, a strange sense that he was about to find out more than what he had asked about.
"It was just after one of the longer shifts on out fourth week that something happened between us, just before Angeal arrived to help us out. We were on our own struggling to complete a patrol and some beasts jumped us, I managed to take two of them out but a third one got me from behind and took me down."
The small gasp which escaped the blonde's lips didn't go unnoticed by the soldier, his hold on the smaller body tightening briefly as he made soothing sounds and calmed the sudden tension in Cloud's torso.
"It's ok," he reassured gently. "I mean the injuries hurt like hell but they weren't life threatening as such. To be honest it was a stupid mistake on my part and if Kyle hadn't been there I would have been in big trouble."
"He saved you?" The cadet asked breathlessly, the answer being obvious even as he questioned it.
"Yea, my regular knight in shining armour." Zack sighed, a soft chuckle being given voice before it faded away again. "He took the last few out by himself and then hauled my arse back to the camp so he could heal me. I'm not sure how long I was out but when I woke up we were in his room and lying on his bunk together, his body supporting mine so that there wasn't any pressure on my back while I recovered."
"He stayed with you the whole time." Cloud noted tenderly, his own experience of sitting at the soldier's bedside after the shooting incident giving him an idea of how Kyle had probably felt.
"Yea, it sort of brought some things to our attention and ... well let's just say after that we ended up spending more personal time together."
"Did you ... uuummm ... that night ..." The cadet mumbled, his face growing warm as he found himself unable to ask the question he wanted to.
"Yes." The soldier confirmed with a conflicted response, his tone and body language showing that while he had no regrets it was perhaps not something he was overly proud of. "I know that four weeks isn't really long to know someone before doing something like that, especially for your first time, but it felt right and was something we both wanted."
"Did it ... hurt?" The blonde whispered, his thoughts drifting to what it might be like for their first time together in that way.
"A little." Zack admitted gently, his lips brushing against Cloud's neck and laying a light kiss upon the soft skin. "But only at first as you get used to the feeling. As long as it's done right then the pleasure outweighs the initial discomfort and you soon forget about that."
"He was careful with you, wasn't he?" The cadet guessed, his head tilting to expose a bit more of his throat in a silent invitation for the soldier to repeat what he had just done.
"Every time." Zack confirmed, just before his mouth moved down to brush along the offered expanse of pale flesh. "Not that we had time to do it often, especially when Angeal arrived." The soldier added, as he traced the blonde's collar bone with light kisses. "But when we did he was always gentle."
"What happened between you?" Cloud hesitantly asked, his heart twisting as he felt Zack stop what he was doing and lay his forehead over the area he had just been lavishing attention on.
"He died a couple of months after I got back to Midgar." The soldier replied sorrowfully, his hold on Cloud unconsciously tightening so that it was just shy of being painful. "We had kept in touch and were supposed to be meeting up for some shared leave but ... but he was killed in the line of duty before we could see each other again."
It only took the blonde a moment to understand his mistake and scolded himself for not keeping quiet, the obvious signs that something bad had happened now jumping out at him as clear as day. Not only was it foolish to think that they wouldn't still be together after feeling so strongly about each other, but Zack's constant use of the past tense when referring to Kyle should have been more than enough to give it away.
"I'm sorry." The cadet apologized, as he realised that he should have worked it out sooner.
"It's ok, you didn't know." The soldier offered, his quiet acceptance leading them into a few more minutes of silent contemplation.
For a while neither spoke as they became lost to their own thoughts, as Zack dwelled on the past and Cloud considered what would be safe to ask to break the silence between them. Eventually the blonde settled on something which tugged at his mind the most, a part of him now unable to let the idea go as it made his chest feel uncomfortably tight.
"What I did that day ... when you found me." The cadet began, his voice trembling slightly as it became a little harder to breath. "It hurt you more because of what happened with Kyle, didn't it?"
"I'm not going to lie to you, so yea, it hurt a lot." The soldier replied reluctantly, his whole body on edge as if expecting Cloud to react badly to what he was saying. "I know I never said anything before that day, because I honestly didn't want to ruin the friendship which was developing between us, but I swear I fell for you the first day I saw you and I fell hard."
"Would you have said anything if I hadn't ..." The cadet tried to ask, the shame of his actions making them hard to say out loud.
"I'm not sure." Zack answered him sincerely, a slow breath creating a pause before he continued. "I'd like to think that with time we would have grown together anyway, but seeing you like that made me feel like I was about to lose someone special all over again. It gave me the kick I needed to stop holding back, the push I needed to say what I felt to keep you with me."
"It was your voice that made me fight, the things you said which gave me a reason to live." Cloud whispered softly, the truth which he'd shared with Angeal now something he felt that the soldier should know as well.
"Then I'm glad I found you when I did Cloud, because I don't know if I could have handled losing you as well." Zack noted firmly, the tone of his voice making the cadet feel even more guilty for what he'd done.
"Zack?" The blonde nervously asked, after another minute of silence had passed between them.
"Yea." The soldier responded a little absently, his mind still working through all of the things which had been said that evening.
"I know you think I'm not ready for going that far just yet but ... but I ..."
"You what?" Zack probed hesitantly, an idea already forming about what Cloud was going to say.
"If you had ... if the massage had ..." The cadet flustered, his body temperature warming noticeably against the soldier's exposed skin. "I wouldn't have said no if ... if it had become more."
"So I could have had my wicked way with you after all?" The soldier teased lightly, his playful tone and soft laughter making Cloud's heart flutter even as he found himself dying of embarrassment.
"I didn't say that." The cadet choked, the brief protest sounding a little pathetic even to him after what he'd already said. "I just meant that ... that it was one of the things I was feeling before you came in."
Zack couldn't help but smile to himself as he heard the flustered words, nor could he hold back the soft laughter which escaped his lips as they placed a gentle kiss on Cloud's neck.
"Don't worry I know what you mean, but you're right I don't think you're ready yet." The soldier agreed, his hand gently tilting the cadet's head back so that they could look at each other. "But it's good to know that you feel that way."
Not long after that they settled down for the night, the pair no longer able to deny the sandman's pull as their bodies gave into the strains of the day. Neither felt the need to comment on the argument again, the morning's events happily being forgotten to be replaced with more important thoughts about what had been learnt because of it. But that night Cloud didn't sleep with his back against Zack's chest like he normally did, the pair in fact lying facing each other for the first time since sharing a bed, the position allowing them to hold each other tight within a warm and loving embrace.
Note: I chose the name Kyle by chance and when I looked it up found out it means handsome/good looking. Just incase anyone wanted to know :o)