Sorry this update took so long to post. Annoyingly it has been mostly written for several days now, but I just couldn't get a scene in the middle to describe Cloud's emotions the way I wanted it to. Truthfully I'm still not sure it expresses his conflicting feelings properly, and for that I can only apologise, but I honeslty can't edit it any more. Hopefully you will be able to forgive me and I'll try to make it up to you in the next chapter.
Where you belong
Cloud didn't hang around after he'd been dismissed, his feet thankfully carrying him towards home on some form of autopilot while his mind continued to race over what had just happened. Truthfully he hadn't expected the session with Angeal to turn out the way it had, the level of his awareness being a surprise not only to the commander but also to himself if he was honest. The cadet knew that he was good at being able to sense things in a way which others couldn't, that somehow he was more in tune with his surroundings than most people, but had never imagined he'd be good enough to track such a high ranking soldier or even stand a chance with the general. And that was the thought which troubled Cloud the most as he walked, the idea that not only had he met Sephiroth again but also blown it by being disrespectful towards the man for a second time.
"So stupid." Cloud grumbled to himself, as he remembered the way he'd spoken and the attitude he had presented. "So fucking stupid." He repeated, the words becoming a silent mantra as he hurried towards the safety of home.
XXXXXXXXXX
Before he knew it the cadet was sliding his key card through the lock of their apartment, the faint beep which signalled he could enter barley being heard before he pushed the door open and stepped inside.
"Hey Spiky, you're home early." Zack cheerfully called out from the living room, his relaxed tone betraying nothing of the warning he'd already been given.
Cloud couldn't stop the small smile on his face from growing brighter at the sound of the soldier's voice, his heart skipping a beat as he hurried to undo the fastenings on his boots and kick them off without dropping anything. Once again the cadet's mind was rushing over the things they were going to talk about, his concerns about what had happened with Angeal and Sephiroth being quickly pushed aside by the happier thoughts. It was with a feeling of warmth and joy that the blonde hurried down the small corridor towards Zack, his insides fluttering with excitement as a head of spiky raven coloured hair came into view. And then suddenly everything stopped and the sun which had been shining was covered by a cloud, the smile on his face slipping away the instant he saw that the soldier was not alone. Sitting across from Zack was another man, the familiar person still a stranger to the cadet but looking very much at home as he lay stretched out on the two-seater sofa in the room.
"You remember Kunsel from yesterday, right?" Zack asked, his face displaying a big grin as he turned to look at Cloud properly.
"Yea, sure." The cadet replied guardedly, his defences slowly going up as he took everything in.
There in front of him were both soldiers and the evidence of their afternoon off together, the pair now reclining comfortably on the soft chairs without a care in the world, while a small array of empty beer cans and pizza delivery boxes sat on the coffee table in front of them. Neither seemed intoxicated in any way and from an outsiders perspective it appeared as if they had simply spent the time chatting and catching up, yet even with this knowledge Cloud still couldn't help but feel a sense of betrayal in what he was seeing. This was supposed to have been a night for Zack and him to talk, for them to go over the things which were important, and it was something that had taken him all day to prepare for. However, it was now clear that the soldier had found something else to occupy his time, the things which had plagued Cloud's thoughts all day obviously not bothering Zack at all. And suddenly all of the concerns which the cadet had been having about opening up came rushing to the surface, his need to stay safe winning the internal war, as everything he'd felt ready to say was quickly sealed away deep within him once more.
"Hello Cloud, it's good to see you again" Kunsel greeted him, the man's voice drawing the cadet's attention to him instantly.
"Sir." The blonde replied faintly, his choice for a formal reply causing both soldiers to frown.
"Knock it off Spiky," Zack scolded gently, his violet orbs levelling with Cloud's serious blue spheres as he spoke. "Kunsel's a friend and neither of you are on duty, so drop the sir stuff."
It was only now as their eyes connected that the soldier saw the shielded look appearing on the cadet's face, the emotions which had been there only moments ago now slowly disappearing as Cloud began to withdraw into himself again. Instantly Zack regretted the tone of voice he'd used and the words he chosen to say, a silent curse running through his head as he realised how it might have sounded.
"He's got the same views about rank and stuff as I do, so calling him sir isn't necessary right now." The soldier quickly added, his expression softening under the blonde's hardening glare so that the cadet would see that he hadn't meant to be so harsh.
"It's true." The other soldier contributed carefully, as he began to feel the tension which had formed around them. "I hate being called Sir by friends, especially when they're off duty."
"Friends?" Cloud questioned, his caged look flickering in uncertainty as Zack's lavender spheres quietly begged him to listen and accept what was being said.
"Sure, why not?" Kunsel asked, his expression both open and honest as the blonde continued to look at him doubtfully. "I mean, if you want to that is." He added hesitantly, his eyes briefly darting to the raven haired soldier before nervously coming back again.
"But you don't even know me." The cadet pointed out, his suspicious tone making both men start to sit up a little straighter.
"True, but all friends start off as strangers in the beginning." He replied calmly, his eyes never leaving the deep pools of blue which seemed to be studying him. "And we got along pretty well the other day." He added as an afterthought, hoping that the reminder of their time together might get Cloud to relax around him.
"You offered to help me." The cadet murmured, his face turning away as his expression became thoughtful. "You said I could come to you if I needed anything."
"That's right." The soldier agreed happily, as the blonde began to loosen up a little. "We talked and started to get to know each other, like friends do."
For a minute no one spoke as Zack and Kunsel silently watched Cloud thinking it through, the cadet clearly struggling with more than just the things which had been said, as he shifted restlessly on the spot and continued to look away from them.
"Spiky?" The raven haired soldier finally spoke up, his voice tainted with worry. "Are you ok?"
"Yea, I ... it's just been a ... weird day." Cloud sighed, his shoulders slumping forward as the tension finally began to drain from his body. "And I guess ... I guess I'm just tired." He explained, his face coming back round to meet theirs and offer a faint reassuring smile.
"We got you a pizza, if you're hungry." Zack offered, as he now rose from the chair and hurried to take the pile of papers from the cadet's hands. "It's in the oven keeping warm."
"You did?" The blonde couldn't help but ask, his baby blue spheres blinking in surprise at the soldier's words.
"Of course I did silly." Zack chuckled softly, while dumping the reports on the small dining room table. "But I'm afraid Kunsel and I sort of worked up an appetite today training so we've already eaten." He continued with an apologetic tone, his free hand now ruffling the top of Cloud's head affectionately as he walked past him towards the kitchen.
"Zack I ..." The blonde began, the words faltering due to a small lump rising in his throat as he realised that he hadn't been forgotten after all.
A casual questioning hum was heard coming from the soldier as he began to serve the meal up on a plate, the small sound being an unspoken encouragement for Cloud to continue with what he was going to say. But the cadet wasn't sure exactly what he'd wanted to say anymore, the possibilities now endless as he realised that once again he'd over reacted to the situation and jumped to a foolish conclusion.
"I'm sorry." The cadet managed, before the well of emotions blocked his attempt at speech again.
"For what?" Zack enquired, the slight waver in the blonde's voice making him look round from what he was doing.
There was another moment of silence within the apartment as rich warm amethyst met deep stormy sapphire, both sets of gems now shining brightly in the evening light but for very different reasons. For Cloud it was due to the tears which had arisen from his conflicting feelings, the emotional strains of the day making everything suddenly seem so much more than it really was. And for this the cadet scolded himself and quickly blinked the unshed dampness away, a deep steadying breath making it easier to give the soft smile which he really wanted the soldier to see. But Zack had already caught the flicker of sadness and regret in the blonde's sky blue eyes, the glistening orbs like a rainy day as they briefly filled with moisture which threatened to fall. He had just been about to say something when Cloud's expression had changed again, the sun peeking out from behind the clouds and the faintest of smiles forming on his delicate lips.
"Are you sure you're ok?" The soldier asked, his concern for the cadet so evident in his voice that Kunsel was momentarily stunned as he watched the pair.
"I ..." Cloud began, his gaze breaking away from Zack's as he felt a slight awkwardness in what he'd been about to say.
"I'm just tired." The cadet repeated with a soft sigh, the answer he decided to give clearly not being the one he really wanted to.
"You know I could go if you guys need to talk." Kunsel offered from where he sat, his sudden inclusion in the conversation drawing their combined attention back to him immediately.
"No it's ... it's ok." The cadet stammered quickly, his hands also coming up in a nervous gesture to stop the soldier from attempting to leave. "You've been away a long time and probably have a lot to catch up on." He added softly, the reality of the situation finally getting through to him and confirming the earlier feelings of foolishness. "Besides I need to get the rest of the forms done before tomorrow's class and it would be nice if you kept Zack out of my way while I did it." He informed the older teen, his comment earning him both a snort of amusement from Kunsel and a playful protesting whine from Zack.
"Hey, that's not fair." The raven haired soldier complained, his voice barely holding back the amusement in his words. "I'm not that bad." He pouted, the curve of his lips straining not to rise anymore than it already was.
"Yes you are." Cloud challenged hesitantly, his blue eyes sparkling a little more as he noticed the other soldier trying not to openly laugh. "You always steal my pens when you don't want me working, or hide my textbooks when you think I've done enough."
"I do not steal them." Zack huffed, his own violet spheres now glowing happily at the playful banter developing between them. "I simply remove the danger before you injure yourself, pens are very dangerous things you know." He stated proudly, the response causing Kunsel to snort again as the cadet's jaw dropped open in shock.
"What?!" Cloud choked, his baby blues widening in disbelief.
"And what harm, pray tell, will come to him from plastic tubes filled with ink?" The other soldier enquired with a chuckle, the smile on his face now growing as he fought to stay serious as well.
"Well there's so many to choose from." Zack replied casually as he led the blonde over to the table, one hand holding the plate of food and the other taking gentle hold of Cloud's arm as they moved. "For a start he could get blisters from writing too much." The raven haired soldier proposed, as he carefully manoeuvred the stunned and spluttering cadet into a chair and ruffled his hair for the second time.
"Yea, real dangerous." Kunsel agreed sarcastically, the soldier now watching with interest as Zack's casual touches on Cloud's body lingered and briefly showed themselves as more than just a friendly reassuring gesture of comfort.
"Plus he might damage this pretty little head of his, with all that unnecessary thinking." The soldier teased unaware of how he was being watched, his words earning him a small but delightfully cute scowl from the cadet.
"At least I've got something in my head to damage." Cloud grumbled in response, his comeback being hesitantly spoken but still confident enough for them to both hear it clearly.
"Oh Spiky, you wound me." The raven haired soldier countered, a devilish grin spreading across his handsome face as a hand went to his chest in mock hurt and he flung himself backwards onto the nearest sofa.
To this the blonde only rolled his eyes before turning his back on the pair, his choice to ignore the soft chuckles being more to do with hiding the faint blush which now covered his cheeks rather than eat the food he had been given.
XXXXXXXXXXXX
Before they knew it several hours had passed by, the time silently disappearing into the night as Zack and Kunsel not only talked about the things which had happened in the previous few months but reflected on memories from their past in general. For most of it Cloud had remained at the dining room table and simply listened in on occasion, the conversation between the older teens seeming open to him at times and yet somehow private at others. Strangely though the blonde didn't mind as he let the words drift around him, his body's hunger now happily sated after finishing dinner and his mind too distracted with completing the reports to worry about anything else.
It was only when the dull ache which had been building in the back of his head became a small throbbing pain that Cloud finally took a break from what he was doing. His shoulder's instantly protesting the movement as he slowly sat up straight and lent back in his chair, the muscles down his spine now a little stiff after having been hunched over most of the day filling in pointless forms. Taking a deep relaxing breath the cadet slowly worked through a series of small stretching exercises to work out the kinks, a slight frown forming on his delicate features as a few choice words ran through his mind about the new punishment being worse than the cleaning. A second later and the expression changed to become a soft amused smile as he recalled Zack's comments about unnecessary paper work, the upward curve of his lips only increasing as he now realised how appropriate those words of warning had actually been. It was also at this point that Cloud took the opportunity to glance up at the clock across the room and gasped softly when he noticed the time, the faint sound which escaped his lips instantly drawing Zack's attention to him.
"Hey, you ok?" The soldier called over, his whole body twisting round on the sofa so he could look at the blonde while they spoke.
"Yea, I'm good." Cloud replied with a tired smile, his fingers relinquishing their hold on the pen and paper so that he could rub his face with both hands. "I just saw the time and realised why I feel so drained." He explained wearily, the small nod of his head in the direction of the clock making the other two look up as well.
"Maybe I should get going?" Kunsel offered for the second time that night, as he lent forward and placed his drink on the coffee table. "It's getting late after all."
"No, it's ok." Cloud sighed softly, as he noticed the slight look of disappointment on Zack's face. "I'm sure you guys have more to catch up on that you don't want me hearing about anyway." He offered, the small appreciative smile he got from the raven haired soldier making his heart warm.
"I wouldn't keep anything from you Spiky, you know that." Zack replied casually, the offhand tone of his voice not matching the heartfelt look which shone on his eyes for only the cadet to see.
"I know." The blonde reassured with a warm smile, before he stood and slowly made his way towards the bathroom.
It wasn't until he'd washed and changed into his night clothes that Cloud realised the one big problem with his plan, the fact that he couldn't actually go to bed or at least not to the one he'd intended to sleep in. It was with this depressing thought that his mind suddenly began to replay all of the things he'd been thinking about during the day, the memories of his hopes and fears about their planned time together now making the blonde's chest feel tight and his eyes become damp with the promise of tears. Then, without even meaning to, the cadet found himself becoming annoyed by Kunsel's presence in their home, the soldier not only unintentionally ruining what should have been a special evening but also now preventing him from sleeping in Zack's bed, no in their bed where he belonged. And even though deep down inside Cloud knew it wasn't fair to be angry at Kunsel, that as Zack's friend he had every right to see the soldier as well, he still couldn't stop the feelings of hurt and frustration from growing as he fought to keep it all locked away within him.
But sometimes there are things which you just can't fight no matter how hard you try, feelings which are so strong and intense that you have no control over them as they begin to consume you. And just like the violent winds of a thunderstorm Cloud's thoughts became a raging tempest within his head, the conflicting emotions crashing forcefully against his heart like waves upon the shore until he couldn't take anymore. His next breath coming out in a soft choked sob as the warm beads of moisture broke free of their confines, the crystal like drops of water quickly running down over soft pale cheeks, as they let the world see the evidence of what was being held trapped within.
Too tired to fight what was now flowing through him the cadet surrendered himself to the overwhelming sensations, the blonde allowing a few minutes to pass uninterrupted as he let it all out and tried not to get washed away completely. Then, with a self-imposed berating that would make any drill sergeant proud Cloud began to pull himself together, his body drawing in several slow shaky breaths as he focused on getting his emotions back under control again. Quickly he wiped at his face to clear away any evidence of the tears which had fallen, a splash of cold water against his flushed skin instantly helping to sober his thoughts a little more. And with one last look in the mirror to check nothing would give him away Cloud turned and made his way towards the door, his intention being to get through the apartment as quickly as possible and into the spare bedroom without being seen by the soldiers.
To the cadet's credit he almost made it as well, his progress being swift and silent as he kept his head bowed low so as to avoid any chance of eye contact with either man. It was just unfortunate that he wasn't quick enough to escape the wondrous sensation of Zack's deep joyful laughter echoing around him, the rich warm sound making his heart flutter and causing him to hesitate unnecessarily outside the spare bedroom door.
"Goodnight." The cadet found himself whispering softly to their backs, his voice remaining low so as not to interrupt what might have been a private conversation.
"Oh hey, you're ready for bed then." The soldier noted, as he instantly twisted round upon hearing the blonde's lightly spoken words.
"Yes" Cloud replied faintly, the response not really being necessary considering how he was currently dressed and as a result leaving a strange void of silence in its wake.
"Oh, ok." Zack mumbled after several painfully long seconds, a hand absentmindedly scratching at the back of his head in either embarrassment or uncertainty of what to say or do next. "Night then." The soldier offered, his expression showing there to be a slight conflict of emotions within him now.
"Night." The cadet repeated, his progress faltering as Kunsel suddenly spoke up.
"Goodnight Cloud, it was nice meeting you again." The other soldier added, just as the blonde opened the door and began to step inside.
"Goodnight Kunsel." The cadet replied warmly, his smile being genuine but now a little faded as he disappeared from sight and left them alone.
Within the bedroom Cloud let out a deep heart-felt sigh as he briefly looked around himself, his feet now moving at a snail's pace as he reluctantly made his way towards the cold and uninviting bed in the corner of the room. Already he could feel his heart beginning to ache for the warmth of Zack's room, the organ beating almost desperately for the comfort of the soldier's bed and the feel of strong arms embracing him while he slept. But the blonde knew that tonight he would be unable to have that luxury, the calming joy it brought now revealing itself as a happiness which he'd come to take for granted in their relationship. It was therefore a strange sort of blessing that the day had been draining on both a physical and emotional level, the various strains finally catching up with the exhausted cadet and swiftly pulling him down into the realms of a deep and dreamless sleep.
Outside in the living room Zack continued to talk with Kunsel for a little while longer, his insides growing steadily more guilt ridden as he began to realise why Cloud's eyes had looked so hurt before he went to bed. He knew that the cadet had only gone into that room to maintain the charade of mentor and pupil, that the blonde was only doing it to protect his reputation while really his place was in the other room and in their bed.
"Zack, what's up with you?" Kunsel asked, the voice he used holding a note of concern.
"Huh?" The raven haired soldier asked, his violet orbs coming back round from the spare bedroom door where they had strayed to again.
"I swear you're like a lost puppy." The soldier noted, with an amused but also sympathetic expression as he spoke again. "Does he really mean that much to you?"
"What? I ... I ..." Zack choked, his amethyst eyes widening a little in surprise at the bluntness of the question. "What do you mean?"
"Oh come on." Kunsel managed, with a small snort of pleasure at seeing his friend squirm a little. "I've heard the rumours and I've seen enough tonight to know that at least some of them are true. The way you kept looking at him earlier and now with him gone ... I swear it's like you pinning over his absence or something."
"Thanks for all the pet references, I really appreciate that." Zack grumbled, his disgruntled mood disappearing with his next breath. "Look, you're right we are more than mentor and pupil, but it's still new so don't go thinking I'm corrupting him or anything."
"I wouldn't dream of it." The other soldier noted with a smirk, his eyes practically glowing as he took in the raven haired soldier's embarrassed state.
"I swear the only reason you're still breathing is because we're friends." Zack growled, his tone being light and friendly even as he pretended for it to be otherwise. "I just don't want you getting the wrong idea."
"I know you too well to think that of you." Kunsel pointed out, his voice holding a slight chastising note which made the raven haired soldier give an apologetic shrug." "But I still think there's something going on or it wouldn't bother you so much that he's in that room."
"What? Why? How?" Zack babbled, his expression one of mild shock. "Am I that obvious?" He asked after a moment, the glee in the other soldier's expression making his humiliation even more unbearable.
"Let's just say I've know you long enough to be able to read you, which isn't hard considering you wear your heart on your sleeve, and right now all I'm getting are vibes which say something's bothering you."
"Ok, you're right." Zack cut in, before the soldier could carry on. "We ... we've been sharing a bed, ok?"
"You've what?" Kunsel gasped, his voice thankfully remaining low as he leant forward in his chair and stared the raven haired soldier down. "But you just said ..."
"We haven't done anything." Zack repeated firmly, his expression hardening a little to reinforce the statement. "But we sleep, and I mean sleep, together at night."
"Gaia Zack, when did that happen? I mean does Angeal know? No of course not, that's a stupid thing to ask, but what about Reno? Does he know?"
"You're the only one, alright?" Zack hissed, his eyes glancing nervously at the closed bedroom door as he gestured for the soldier to calm down. "It's not exactly something we advertise."
"Yea, I get that." Kunsel agreed, a hand now running through his hair as he looked away contemplatively. "So he's ... not where he should be right now?" The soldier guessed, the meaning behind the unspoken words making Zack smile warmly and his cheeks blush a light shade of pink.
"No, he's not."
"Then he's only in there because I'm here and he didn't want to embarrass you or cause problems."
"Yea, that about covers it." Zack confirmed, his expression showing a mixture of emotions as he looked back round at the door again.
"Well I'll be damned, you really love him don't you?" Kunsel asked, the words being more of a statement than a question.
"Spiky ... Cloud means everything to me and I know he feels the same way." The raven haired soldier replied, his lavender eyes levelling with the other soldier's as he spoke. "He's saved my life and defended my honour more times than I care to remember, and right now he's putting himself in a place that he doesn't really want to be in to protect my reputation again."
"Well then move him." Kunsel replied with a small laugh, the answer being an easy one to see. "Put him where he should be so that he knows he belongs there no matter what. Don't let him have a reason to doubt his worth to you by constantly putting your needs above his own."
"I never expect him to." Zack argued firmly, before he realised that hadn't been the soldier's point. "You mean allowing him to continue his own self-sacrifice, don't you?"
"Bingo." Kunsel responded, his smile softer now. "I get the feeling he'd give up anything for you Zack and in a way that's actually a little scary, especially considering I know what kind of stuff you get yourself into."
"Thanks." The raven haired soldier grumbled, his violet orbs rolling in mock exasperation. "You really know how to make a guy feel good about himself."
"Save it Fair." Kunsel laughed as he rose to his feet, the conversation now winding down and leading to a place which they both knew would bring it to an end. "We both know what you get yourself into and I just want you to think about Cloud the next time a crazy idea comes into that head of yours, ok?"
"Yea, I got it." Zack sighed, as they both began to make their way towards the front door.
"I'm serious Zack." Kunsel noted a little more seriously, as he stood in the open doorway to leave. "He's a good kid and I'd hate to see either of you get hurt."
"I'll be carefully, I promise." The raven haired soldier reassured him, his tired body now leaning against the door frame for support.
"Damn straight you will Fair." The other soldier replied with a light chuckle. "Now go and get your butt to bed and make sure his is with you, where it belongs."
"Got it." Zack replied with a gentle and appreciative smile on his handsome face. "And thanks."
"No worries." Kunsel answered warmly, his expression softening for a moment as their eyes connected and a silent understanding passed between them. "See you Friday for poker." He called back, as he turned and began to walk away. "And don't forget to tell Reno he still owes me for last time."
"Will do." The raven haired soldier confirmed, the joyous grin on his face now reaching from ear to ear.
Back inside the apartment Zack wasted no time in tidying up and getting ready for bed, his last stop being the spare bedroom where he carefully lifted the slumbering cadet into his arms and carried him to their bed.
"This is where you belong." He told the peacefully sleeping form, the smaller body instinctively curling up and pressing in against his as he settled them amongst the sheets.
The soldier couldn't tell if Cloud had really heard him, the lack of verbal response and his soft even breaths showing that the cadet was indeed in a deep sleep. But Zack didn't fail to notice the faint curve of Cloud's lips as he placed a light kiss on the blonde's cheek, the cadet's body letting out a small contented sigh of happiness as he let the soldier know without words that somehow he understood completely.