Bit of a heavy one I'm afraid but I'll try and make it up to you in the next chapter. Enjoy :o)
What you need to know
The day couldn't have gone any slower in Cloud's opinion, the boring and tedious lessons dragging on forever in the morning and then the afternoon just seeming to never end. Thankfully he was not being forced to do mundane paper work again during their combat training session, or at least the few bits he did have to fill in had some purpose other than to give his fingers blisters.
The blonde couldn't help but smile to himself as he focused on the job he had been assigned to do, the task happily distracting him from the other cadet's who were currently sparring just a short distance away from where he was working. In front of him lie the last of the practice swords which he'd been told to check, the blades being the last part of the training equipment he was completing a detailed inspection of. To start with he had found the job to be a little annoying, as it didn't really feel very productive, but then as the time had passed and he'd begun to sort through the small arsenal the benefits had started to shine through.
Already he was aware of which items they would be starting to use soon in their training as well as how some of them functioned, so that he'd been able to complete the examination properly. Another benefit was that he had also been able to learn about the types of damage which could be sustained by the various weapons before it became unusable, a skill which he knew the other cadet's wouldn't achieve for some time if at all.
Glancing up at the clock across the hall Cloud couldn't help but smile a little brighter, the numbers being displayed showing that the day was nearly over and that there was more than enough time to finish. All he had to do now was check the last of the swords before class ended, as well as complete the necessary paper work relating to them, and then he would be free to spend the evening with Zack uninterrupted. And for this the cadet was more grateful to the fates than words could ever express, knowing that he wouldn't have to take any work home with him or stay late to finish it, his heart racing as once again his mind turned to the soldier and what their time together would mean for the two of them.
It was only now as he thought about it that Cloud realised his mind wasn't focused on the same things as it had been the day before, the doubts and fears he'd held only twenty-four hours ago almost completely gone. No longer was he concerned about the strength and certainty of Zack's feelings towards him, the confessions of love they had shared that morning wiping those reservations clean away. Instead he now worried that it was himself who would let the soldier down, how the hesitation to talk about his own past might give Zack a reason to question the words of love he had returned. And suddenly Cloud remembered their kiss as they had lay in bed together, the deep and heart-felt passion they'd shared in that tender moment silently reassuring him that whatever secrets he held the soldier would understand.
"Strife, you done yet?" The sergeant barked, his deep commanding voice and sudden appearance instantly startling the cadet from his thoughts.
"Sir, yes sir. Just a few more to go, sir." Cloud replied in a slight fluster after having been caught daydreaming, his entire body automatically snapping to attention in response to the presence of the man in front of him.
"Good." The seasoned warrior replied, an approving look showing that he was pleased not only with the cadet's actions but also his efficiency as well. "Carry on then." He grunted before turning and walking away, his departing figure allowing the blonde to release the breath he didn't even know he'd been holding.
Not wanting to upset the sergeant or draw any more attention to himself Cloud quickly hurried to pick up the next sword, his sapphire orbs thoroughly examining the blade before he made any notes regarding the noticeable wear and tear which had taken place. Once he was satisfied that the weapon was still suitable for use he carefully laid it back down beside the others, then began the process again on what turned out to be the second to last item in front of him.
This time however his critical eye instantly spotted some serious damage to the hilt as he inspected it, the crack being large enough to actually worry him about returning it to the rack at all as he quickly made a note on the relevant form. For a minute he stood there with his lips twisting up into a confused expression, his mind frantically debating whether to only log the damage as instructed or in fact report the cracked handle straight away. In the end however the choice was obvious and the blonde drew a deep breath in preparation for what he was about to do, a little voice in his head reminding him it was the right decision because the whole point of the task was to benefit the men's safety. With this one thought running on a loop through his head the cadet made his way across the room, his eyes remaining focused on the sergeant in front of him and not the faces of the other cadet's who now watched him closely.
"Sir." Cloud spoke up hesitantly, his insides tightening as a hard questioning gaze settled on him.
"What is it Strife?" The older man replied, his tone thankfully not being annoyed as the blonde had feared it might be.
"Could you ... help me please?" The cadet enquired nervously, grateful that his voice was not revealing the faint tremble which had begun to run though him for having to ask.
"What's the problem?"The sergeant demanded to know, his firm look glancing down to take in the object held within Cloud's hands.
"The hilt on this sword is badly cracked Sir." The blonde answered quickly, his heart beating a little too fast and clearly not going unnoticed by the older man's mako enhanced senses. "And I don't feel comfortable returning it to the rack, sir." He added, as the seasoned warrior studied him in silence for a minute.
"Is it the only one?" The sergeant asked, clearly deciding to ignore the cadet's nervousness and focus on the query itself.
"I think so." Cloud answered faintly, while giving himself a mental kick for not checking the last sword before drawing attention to himself. "I haven't checked the last one yet because I wasn't sure what to do with this one." He explained honestly, the truth seeming easier than coming up with a weak excuse at this point.
"Well I suggest you finish the task and then take any weapons which require immediate repair to the armoury, where they can deal with it." The sergeant instructed, the commanding tone of his voice not quite matching the look of reassurance he was giving the cadet for asking.
"Yes sir, sorry for disturbing you sir." The blonde quickly responded as was expected of him, the comment in fact earning him a small snort from the older man.
"Apology accepted Strife, but your question was an important one so I'm not angry at you for interrupting me." He pointed out, his earlier smile growing a little more. "Besides ..." He added with a slightly quieter voice. "Sometimes it's good to know when to ask for help and not be afraid to do so." And with that he turned and walked away to observe the sparring cadet's once more, his parting comment momentarily leaving the blonde's mind reeling in surprise and confusion of what it could mean.
As a result it took Cloud nearly a minute to realise that he hadn't moved and was still staring at the soldier who had walked away, his thoughts snapping back to reality and making him blush slightly in response to what he was doing. He then quickly pushed aside the emotions which had arisen from the unexpected behaviour and made his way back over to his work area where, after placing the broken sword carefully to one side, he began to examine the remaining blade. To the cadet's relief the final check only revealed several small nicks along one edge and a dent in the other, both of which were hardly anything worth reporting at all. Still he took the time to finish the forms properly and complete the last entry on the sheet, his heart cheering in delight as the door to the room opened and a family head of raven coloured haired peeked in.
In the blonde's mind the timing couldn't have been more perfect as he hurried to put the last items away, the soldier's appearance coinciding wonderfully with the trip he would now have to make to the armoury with the broken sword.
"Hey." Zack said cheerfully as he made his way over, his casual attitude barley masking the joyful glow in his amethyst eyes. "How's it going?" He asked, as he drew nearer to the cadet.
"It's going well." Cloud replied politely, his own face fighting not to reveal the grin which was pulling at the edges of his lips. "I had to do a weapons inspection today and learnt a few things." He added brightly, as he collected the small pile of papers and slipped them back into their folder.
"Sounds like fun." Zack teased, as he watched Cloud place the last of the weapons back in their rack on the wall until only one sword remained. "Keeping that one out for any particular reason?" He enquired as the object drew his attention, his hand already reaching out for the blade as he spoke.
"Yea, the hilts cracked so be careful." The blonde warned, the comment earning him a soft chuckle from the soldier along with an amused look. "Fine, so you're mako enhanced and harder to hurt." Cloud sighed, his eyes rolling in mock exasperation. "But you should still be careful." He added with a softer voice, as he suddenly remembered where they were and that people were watching even if they couldn't hear everything.
"No worries." Zack said casually while he examined the sword, his expression becoming thoughtful as he noted the damage. "So what are you going to do with this then?" He questioned, as the cadet gathered up his things and reached out to take the item from the soldier's hand.
"I have to take it to the armoury and report the need for a replacement weapon in this room." Cloud explained, his baby blue's quickly searching the large area until they settled on the sergeant who would need to dismiss him. "I'll be right back." The cadet assured, as he turned and began to walk away towards the seasoned warrior leaving Zack to stand alone.
"You done Strife?" The sergeant grunted as the blonde approached, the question being more of a statement considering the way Cloud now stood holding both the folder of reports and the broken weapon.
"Sir, yes Sir." The cadet replied, as he stood to attention before the older man. "Permission to file the reports and deliver the sword as instructed, Sir." Cloud requested officially, the small display of proper etiquette earning him another small smile from the sergeant.
"Technically there's still ten minutes before the end of class cadet." The soldier pointed out, as he glanced over at Zack and returned a more serious look back at Cloud.
"Sir, yes, Sir." The blonde responded calmly, his insides suddenly churning as he began to worry that the request might look personally motivated rather than work related.
"But seeing as how it's probably going to take you longer than that to get everything sorted you might as well go now." He added, the faint hint of amusement in his voice not going unnoticed by the concerned and confused cadet.
"Yes, sir. Thank you, sir." Cloud mumbled, as his mind stumbled over the unexpected response.
Then without any further prompting and a final salute the blonde turned and hurried towards the door, his progress through the room once again being closely observed by the other cadet's. And as Cloud met up with Zack and they passed through the door together neither noticed the looks which were thrown their way, the eyes of four previously humiliated boys slowly burning with the flames of repressed anger and a steadily building desire for revenge.
An hour later and Cloud was able to understand the sergeants comment better, his mind replaying the flicker of amusement he'd seen in the man's expression and making him huff in annoyance. Beside him Zack remained quiet and continued to give a sympathetic look, his own violet orbs glowing with a very similar shine as he tried hard not to grin.
"It's not funny you know." The cadet grumbled, as he forcefully kicked an innocent pebble out of his way.
"I know Spiky and I'm sorry, but now you see why I really don't like the administrational side of ShinRa." The soldier replied with an apologetic shrug, as he dug his hands in his pockets and looked away uncomfortably.
"It's ok." Cloud sighed, noticing how his mood was making Zack a little nervous for some reason. "I just don't see why I had to fill in so many forms to report the sword and then request another one." He explained, while trying to get his tone to be calmer then it had been a few minutes ago. "I mean it's simple, right? The sword's broken so we need another one, what's so hard about that?" The blonde demanded to know, the lingering annoyance having returned again while he spoke as it refused to go away completely.
To the cadet's surprise Zack didn't answer straight away, the soldier's lips parting and drawing breath as if he were about to speak but then closing again wordlessly. It was clear to see that there were several thoughts running through his head, his lavender eyes now swimming with emotions as he continued to look ahead and appeared to debate over how to respond. This fact alone instantly placed a seed of guilt within Cloud's chest, the feeling quickly taking root within his heart and steadily growing stronger as the unusual silence continued.
"I'm not angry at you." The blonde spoke up softly, as he looked away towards the distance unable to meet Zack's gaze which now settled on him again. "I just feel ... frustrated because we wasted our time there, when we could have been at home already." Cloud admitted with a tired sigh, the weariness in his voice encouraging the soldier to throw an arm across his shoulders and give a comforting hug.
"Hey, it's ok." Zack replied tenderly, his grip on the cadet tightening so that he drew their bodies closer together as they walked. "I understand and in a way it bothered me too." He began, his explanation stopping long enough for him to place a brief kiss against the blonde's head. "But I'm also guilty for finding it funny and for that I'm sorry."
"I guess you did warn me." Cloud huffed reluctantly, as the apartment building came into sight. "And next time Angeal has a go at you about not getting your reports done I promise I won't say a word." He added, as they entered through the main door and into the lobby.
"I am so holding you to that." Zack all but cheered, his infectious grin spreading to the cadet so that both were smiling happily and even chuckling a little when the lift doors opened and they stepped inside.
Once they reached the apartment however the atmosphere between them began to change, the very action of closing the door behind them and shutting out the rest of the world making both very much aware of what was planned for the evening.
"I have an idea about how we can do this, if you want to hear it." The soldier offered, as he began to remove his boots and spared a glance at the blonde who was busy undertaking the same task.
"Alright." Cloud agreed nervously, his sapphire eyes remaining fixed firmly on the floor at his feet as he began to remove his belts and pads.
"I think we should sort dinner out before worrying about anything else." Zack proposed as he dropped his own shoulder guards onto the floor, the idea earning him a smile from the cadet who seemed to physically relax in front of him. "We can chat about our day while we do it and that way it won't feel ... awkward when things get a bit more ... uuuummmm ... personal." The soldier suggested hesitantly, as he watched a thoughtful expression appear on Cloud's face.
"Thank you." The cadet replied after a moment, a brighter smile forming to let Zack know it was a good suggestion. "But if we ... avoid it now, I'll only feel more nervous later." He sighed, the honesty of his answer seeming to surprise but also please the soldier at the same time.
"I'm glad you said that." Zack replied happily, his arms reaching out to embrace Cloud in a warm hug. "Because truthfully I was a little worried about that happening as well." The soldier confessed, his hold on the cadet's body tightening slightly as he spoke.
"I want to do this, so I'm not going to run away." Cloud reassured gently, as he mirrored the show of affection with his own firmer grip. "But I've never ... trusted someone like this before, never had a reason to ... share myself with someone. I'm scared that if we keep putting it off I'll lose my confidence to be completely honest with you." The cadet admitted, his voice sounding both sad and frustrated about it.
"You have no idea how happy you're making me right now." Zack breathed joyfully, his whole body now radiating with pleasure as he spoke.
"I'm ... scared Zack, scared that once you've heard some of the things which ... which I have to tell you, you'll ... see me differently. I'm afraid that you're going to feel differently about me." The blonde whispered against his chest, his smaller frame now trembling slightly within the soldier's arms. "But this morning you said you loved me and I know that you meant it."
"Damn right I meant it." Zack cut in firmly, as he placed a kiss amongst Cloud's golden spikes. "And if I remember correctly you said you loved me too." He added, before placing another press of lips to the same spot again.
"I did, I mean I do." The cadet corrected, as he tilted his head back to look up into warm glowing violet orbs. "Which is why I feel like I can trust you, why I can ..."
"Can what?" The soldier asked, as the blonde fell silent and his words were left to hang in the air unsaid.
It was only then that he saw the rush of emotions which were flowing through the sapphire eyes in front of him, his heart fluttering in nervous excitement as a look of delighted surprise settled on Cloud's delicate features.
"What is it?" He asked a little nervously, the look on the cadet's face filling him with warmth but also curiosity to know what had caused it.
"I just realised that I've been doing it all along." Cloud said, the small gentle laugh which accompanied the words causing Zack to raise an eyebrow questioningly.
"Doing what all along?" The soldier found himself asking, as the blonde's expression softened even more.
"Talking to you about how I feel." The cadet began, as he slowly pulled away and walked a little unsteadily towards the living room where he took a seat on the nearest sofa. "I've been letting you in more and more each time we talk." Cloud explained breathlessly, as his sky blue spheres filled with a bright and wondrous light.
"That's a good thing, right?" Zack checked as he settled himself next to the happy but still wide eyed cadet.
"Yes, Gaia yes." The blonde gasped, the cheerful tone of his voice making the soldier's heart flutter. "I've never had that with anyone, never been able to ... to just say what I'm thinking or feeling." Cloud started to say, his emotions flickering between the joy and sorrow he was feeling as a result the confession. "No one ever ... there was never someone I could ... they couldn't be trusted, none of them could. I had to hide it all away deep inside so that they wouldn't see, so that they couldn't use it against me." He managed, the words becoming choked in his throat as a lump began to form there. "This morning you called me your boyfriend without even thinking about it and then said you loved me, not just cared for me but loved me."
"That's because I do love you." The soldier interrupted tenderly, as he took the trembling and now tearful cadet into his arms.
"I know you do." Cloud reassured gently, as he drew in a slow steadying breath. "Which is why I want you to know some things about me before we ... before we take our relationship any further." He added softly as he closed his eyes, the reluctance of what he was saying very clear in his voice.
"You're not going to tell me there's someone waiting for you back home are you?" Zack teased, as one hand moved to playfully ruffle the cadet's hair.
"No, no there isn't." The blonde replied faintly, the memory of a promise he'd made to Tifa flickering briefly through his head before he spoke again. "But I need you to just listen for a while and not ask question until I'm finished, to not push when I ... I need a moment to gather myself again." Cloud explained, as he shifted his position so that he ended up lying down with his head resting on the soldier's lap. "I'm a bundle of nerves right now and it's going to be awkward enough for me to ... to let you in as it is."
"I promise to try and keep quiet." Zack agreed, noting how the cadet flinched when he used the word try. "But I can't guarantee complete silence, after all this is me we're talking about." He added light-heartedly, the comment earning him a happier and more relaxed smile on Cloud's face.
"Close enough I guess." The cadet accepted, as a soft chuckle escaped his delicate lips.
With one last deep breath to pull himself together Cloud started to talk, his words initially being faint and uncertain as they began to reveal a past which the soldier had only guessed at. At times the blonde's voice would be strong and confident as he retold some events, then lost and so alone at others that it made Zack's heart ache painfully to hear. But it was the times when there was no emotion that trouble the soldier most, the memories of incidents where Cloud had either separated himself from the situation or was unable to connect with it again which bothered him greatly.
Through it all Zack listened as the cadet described a childhood of bullying and endless problems, the things he already knew or suspected being confirmed and even more unimaginable horrors being added to them. The revelation that Cloud had never know his father brought the threat of tears to the soldier's eyes, a thing which he could never imagine himself after coming from such a loving and devoted set of parents. But what really gave that rising dampness permission to run free was the fact that the blonde had suffered as a result of this, that he'd been forced to defend both himself and his mother from the prejudices of a small community from such a young age because of it. It had nearly broken him to discover that the abuse had been both emotional and physical in nature, that Cloud had quickly learnt to hide the pain of it all and chosen to carry the burden alone to protect his mother from even more heart-ache. But what hurt Zack the most was knowing that the cutting words had done more damage than the beatings ever could, the evidence of this being the silent tears which had begun to fall as the cadet spoke of sheltering the only other person who cared about him from the shame of his alleged weaknesses and failures in life.
The soldier was glad that Cloud hadn't been looking at him then, that the blonde was unable to see the beads of moisture which fell down his own cheeks before they were absorbed by the material of his dark uniform. And then his relief had turned to silent prayers of thanks as soon as he heard about the incident in the mountains with Tifa, his heart skipping a beat at the thought of his Spiky falling the way he had and realising that it could have been so much worse. He was also relieved that the cadet was unable to see the anger which rose in his eyes as he learnt of how the town's people had reacted, his amethyst orbs becoming green with a flare of mako as he fought to keep his own emotions under control at what they had done.
It didn't take a genius to see why Cloud now felt the way he did, why the blonde had needed to escape his home to make things better and how the hopes of that had been dashed once he'd arrived. Zack's heart began to ache as slowly the cadet began to admit to incidents which had taken place since the first day of enrolment, his body feeling sick as the blonde confessed to injuries he'd kept hidden from the very beginning. He listened as Cloud described some of the things which had happened and cringed to think of how they might have felt, his own past problems with the rumours now seeming like a dream by comparison.
Yet strangle though it all Zack couldn't help but feel that at times there were still things which Cloud seemed to avoid talking about, the way his choice of words would suddenly change or the direction of the conversation would alter as he spoke. There were also times when he felt as if something important had been missed out, like a segment of the tale had been deliberately edited as it was retold. But each time he went to ask the soldier would remember the promise he'd made and would force himself to keep the thoughts silent, the questions slowly gathering in his head and patiently waiting until permission would be given for him to ask them.
But Zack was unable to keep all of his feelings trapped inside, the need to say or do something burning within him and eating away at his self control until it broke just a little. Being careful to only use words which would offer comfort and reassurance the soldier tried not to interrupt Cloud too often, instead choosing to let his more tactile side free, his lips remaining sealed together as much as possible as he gently stroked the cadet's tense and trembling body. To his relief the non-verbal comfort had helped to calm the blonde more when words could not, the simple gestures of affection silently working their magic to ease Cloud's nervous and occasionally upset state while he talked. It was only when his fingers ran tenderly along a soft cheek to wipe away the tears that his own heart ached a little more, the warm caresses he gave over the silver tracks each time they appeared quietly helping to remind Cloud that those things were behind him now. And all the while in-between these things Zack would run his fingers through the blonde's hair in a comforting way, the tender touches always helping then both to relax if things became too emotional as well as giving the cadet an anchor to hold onto when the ghosts of his past became too much.
It wasn't long before the soldier began to feel that he'd failed in some way, that even though he hadn't been there at the start he should have seen it later. And the more he thought about what he was being told the more it made Cloud's actions easier to understand, explained why the cadet had learnt to keep so much to himself and not to trust anyone. He cursed himself for not seeing what he should have seen, for not pushing for answers when he'd noticed the odd injuries or questioning what he should have known was the likely cause of Cloud's guarded behaviour. But then he also found himself silently scolding the blonde for keeping it to himself all this time, the taste of blood filling his mouth as he bit his cheek to keep the anger-fuelled and possibly hurtful words held firmly within.
At no point did they stop to have the dinner which had been planned as part of their evening together, neither feeling a need to eat as Cloud focused solely on opening his heart for the first time while Zack silently took what was there and carefully wrapped it within his own. And before they knew it several hours had passed and the cadet had worn himself out, the physical demands of the day catching up with the emotional strain of breaking down his own walls to let the soldier in completely. It was therefore not a surprise when the blonde eventually became quieter as he spoke, his voice growing softer and fainter until his words fell into silence, and the steady rise and fall of his chest let Zack know that Cloud had eventually drifted off to sleep.
It was only now that the soldier truly relaxed and let his emotions free, his ever observant eyes taking in the delicate form which slept and seeing how much the cadet had changed in just those few hours. It was clear to see that the blonde's body now seemed somehow lighter, as if the past had been a weight on his shoulders which had been pulling him down the whole time. Zack sighed softly and a loving smile formed on his face as he watched delicate lips part and gentle breaths escape, his heart beating happily to know that he'd been the chosen one. He was the one Cloud had felt confident enough to share that burden with, the only person the cadet had ever reached out to for help and not only learnt to love but also trust as well.
"I'm so proud of you." The soldier whispered tenderly, as he gently brushed a few stray hairs away from Cloud's closed eyes. "And you know what?" He asked the slumbering cadet affectionately, his tone light and filled with joy. "I think I actually love you even more now, than I did before." Zack murmured softly, his voice carrying easily in the silent room.
And then the soldier allowed his tired eyelids to flutter shut as he settled himself back against the sofa, the feel of the blonde's warm body and gently beating heart gradually lulling him into his own deep and peaceful sleep.