I know I said it would be a while before I updated again, but I honeslty didn't think it would be this long. Once again I can only apolgise for the delay and thank you for being so patient with me.

The late posting is completely my own fault although I would love to blame something/someone else so I won't feel so bad about it. The truth is my return flight was cancelled and I had to wait another day for an alternative one, which meant that I didn't get the day of rest between getting home and going back to class which I had planned for. I probably should have just taken a day or two off but stupidly carried on as if I could handle it and as a result threw my sleep pattern straight out the window and caused the jet lag to last a lot longer than it should have. And to top it off I came home to confirmation of an exam on the 18th June, which I had sort of forgotten about, so have been buried in books trying to prepare for it ever since.

Sigh, excusses aside now and I'll let you get on with reading this. Sorry again and I hope you enjoy.

Hopes and Fears

Cloud growled with frustration and blew out the next breath of air, his shoulders almost slumping forward save for the fact they were so tense that was impossible. His whole day had been like this, a steadily growing tightness spreading throughout his entire body and the cadet knew exactly what was causing it.

Already his mind was a whirlwind of hopes and fears about what that evening would bring, the less then comfortable idea that tonight he would be forced to mingle with people he hardly knew. Silently the blonde ranted at Zack again, the irritated voice within his head indirectly cursing the soldier for his charming ways and honey coated tongue for making the gathering sound like such a good idea. The only problem was that Cloud did not like these kind of events, the very thought alone of being trapped in a room with strangers in itself enough to have him on edge. He had never been part of the crowd, never shared an evening with 'friends' that had been enjoyable, and as a result of such bad experiences was now only expecting the worst.

But even as his head was screaming that it was all wrong, that he should run and hide tonight until each one of them had gone, his heart was also begging him to trust Zack and try to see it through. The voices he was beginning to know so well were once again raging a war within him, as they fought to push through memories of a past filled with hurt, disappointment and betrayal so that something new, brighter and more enjoyable could be found. After all, the soldier wouldn't have arranged this to deceive him like that, wouldn't torment him like so many others had done before with false promises of friendship. No, Cloud was sure of it, because they were already more than friends and Zack only had his best interest at heart. At least that's what he kept telling himself.

Angeal watched as the cadet made another incorrect movement in his defensive manoeuvre, the arch of the blade he held being incorrectly aligned and his body clearly unbalanced. A second later and he had to hold back a huff of displeasure as Cloud tripped over his own feet and fell, the blonde's normally skilled and perfectly controlled form going down like a sack of potatoes and hitting the crash mat beneath him hard. The resounding muffled cry of irritation he heard was almost a match to the one he felt burn within him, his troubled gaze watching as the cadet's tightly closed fist angrily smacked the plastic surface below him to show that Cloud was also very much aware and annoyed by his countless errors that afternoon.

Taking a deep breath the commander closed his eyes for a moment and rolled his shoulders to throw off some of the tension there, his instincts telling him that the cadet would not open up about anything if he approached the issue with his own frustration visible. And clearly there was an issue at the root of this, because the blonde was more than a little distracted by something, the performance he was seeing leaving little doubt in his mind that Cloud had something weighing heavily on his own. Opening his eyes again Angeal watched in silence as the cadet pushed himself into a sitting position, his heightened senses taking in as much information as they could before he spoke so that the right thing would be said.

It was clear to see that the blonde was tired, his delicate features revealing both the flush of forced exertion and the paleness of exhaustion because of it. There were also telltale signs of dark smudges beginning to form under Cloud's eyes, the faint shadowing beneath the drained pools of blue letting him know that whatever was troubling the cadet was not being helped by an obvious lack of sleep. In his mind there was only one reason for the cadet to be so unfocused, no make that one person who could cause such an obvious distraction within an individual, and that was Zack. Sighing heavily the commander began to make his way over towards the blonde who had yet to stand again, instantly taking in how the cadet was now curling himself up in something of a ball shape with his thin arms wrapping tightly around his knees and holding them firmly against his chest. It was the bowed head however which bothered him the most, the way Cloud had chosen to bury his face into the hollow in front of his chest which the position had created, as the blonde physically tried to hide from whatever was mentally bothering him.

"Cloud." He began, the words he'd been about to say dying as he saw the cadet flinch at hearing his own name being spoken.

For a minute nothing happened and the commander stood speechlessly looking down at the young man at his feet, the need to say something burning within him even as he picked up on all the blonde's vibes which said to leave it alone. But Angeal was not a man to walk away from a problem, especially if it involved his puppy and now Cloud as well, and so he drew a steadying breath before starting again.

"I know you do not like to talk about things, but clearly something is troubling you and I am ... worried."

"I'm sorry." Was the slightly muffled reply, the cadet's head remaining in place even as he responded to the commander's words. "I know I'm making mistakes today and I'm sorry."

"There is no need to be sorry, everyone has an ... off day now and then."

The small sound which he heard come from the cadet could have almost been a snort of amusement, but with Cloud's head still firmly pressed into his own protective embrace it was hard to tell.

"May I sit beside you?" Angeal enquired gently, his desperate need to know what was wrong thankfully being hidden by the friendly tone he managed to use when asking.

The cadet's head slowly came up and instantly two pools of blue connected with soft chocolate brown, the emotions which were swimming within the depths for once not hidden away and now exposed for the commander to see clearly. And all Angeal could do was silently curse as he saw the range of feelings being revealed, his heart skipping a beat at the poorly concealed uncertainty and fear which was now present within the confused and concerned look he was being given.

"Cloud, has someone ... hurt you?"

"No, no one's hurt me. I swear." The cadet stammered, the sapphire orbs widening in surprise as he hurried to correct some sort of misunderstanding which had arisen from his behaviour. "I'm just ... I'm just not focused, that's all."

Kneeling on the mat the commander knew what he had to say next, the words pausing briefly so that the nervous blonde would have time to accept the closeness of his new position. "Then may I ask what has you so unfocused?"

"It's stupid." Cloud replied with a heavy sigh, his body curling in on itself a little more, but thankfully this time with his chin resting on his knees rather than hiding away again. "And I shouldn't be letting it interfere with my training."

"The fact that whatever is bothering you is interfering with our session, tells me it is not stupid." Angeal began, his position shifting again so that he now sat in a more relaxed way beside the blonde. "I have been around long enough to know when someone is troubled by something and is trying to ignore it, when they think that their problems are foolish and instead of talking about it struggle to push them aside."

For a few seconds neither spoke and the commander patiently waited as the cadet looked at him uncertainly, the desire to say something very clear in the blonde's eyes even as he hesitated to do so.

"Zack has some friends coming round tonight." Cloud finally admitted, the explanation quickly being followed by the release of a deep breath he'd been holding. "He wants me to get to know them and I guess it's ... it's ..."

"It's bothering you." Angeal offered helpfully, as he finally began to understand some of the cadet's troubles.

"Yes." The blonde agreed reluctantly, his expression now looking a little guilty as he spoke again "I ... I haven't had much luck with ... friends before, they ... they don't tend to be what you ... expect."

"And you fear it will be the same again this time."

"I guess." Cloud admitted softly, his downcast gaze letting the commander know it was in fact a certainty.

"Zack's friends, while sometimes questionable in their behaviour, are all good people. For all the trouble they sometimes get themselves into their actions are never cold, cruel or immoral." Angeal had to acknowledge, the happy yet solemn sigh which followed his words making Cloud turn back towards him with a questioning look in his eyes. "They have also calmed down a lot in the past year, the things they do now being no less ... entertaining, but at least happening a little less frequently than before."

"Before what?" Was the softly spoken reply.

There was an obvious pause before the question was answered, the hesitation being almost a pre-warning of the words which were spoken. "I worry that the reason will upset you, that while the truth is needed to help you understand you will not actually be comforted to hear it."

Cloud opened his mouth to argue the commander's statement, his head coming up fully from its resting place to allow the protesting words to be let free, when suddenly he stopped and his lips slowly closed again. There was something within the warm brown orbs which held his own sapphire eyes, a flicker of light which was trying to tell him something, the deep rich colour communicating a request to be heard and silently hoping that it would in some way be accepted.

"I can't promise that I won't react badly to what you tell me." The cadet breathed, his shoulders slumping forward in some form of internal defeat. "But I promise to listen and think about what you are saying before I respond."

"That seems fair enough." Angeal noted gently, as he accepted the conditions which had been set and began to explain. "Zack was never a trouble maker as such, but he had a habit of doing things which at times bordered on the insane or suicidal depending on who you spoke to."

"He what?" Cloud gasped, the slight tremble in his voice showing that he'd started to get the wrong idea already.

"I'm not saying he was careless, just that sometimes he didn't always think about what he was doing. Or if he did he certainly didn't consider the outcome of his actions beyond the initial effect." The commander corrected quickly, his heart clenching as he saw the panic in the cadet's eyes and realised that his previous choice of wording had probably been a bad one. "What I mean is that he often acted on instinct rather than forethought and that there were times when he got away with it by the skin of his teeth."

"Are you talking about during training, on missions or the pranks he pulled?" The blonde asked uncertainly, the idea of the soldier being so impulsive while on assignment bothering him greatly.

"All of the above I'm afraid." Was the gentle reply, as Angeal tried to ease Cloud's obvious concern by focusing more on the stunts Zack had pulled in the past. "You already know what he and Reno got up to, the trouble they caused us over the years."

Cloud only nodded his head to show that yes he was aware of the many various incidents, a fact which the commander already knew because he'd also been present when they had been described to him.

"Well consider what you know about him back then, from what you've heard, and compare it to the man you know now. Do they seem like exactly the same person?"

It only took the cadet a minute to think about it and shake his head silently to communicate that they were not, the numerous similarities which he could see between the soldier of the past and the one he currently knew still not quite matching up enough to create the same person.

"But why did he change?" Cloud asked with some hesitation, his soft voice sounding almost pained as he spoke.

"Do you recall how you were when Zack first meet you?" Angeal began, the question seeming like a good one in his head but in fact causing the cadet to instantly jump to the wrong conclusion.

"So he changed because of me." Cloud breathed softly, an indescribable sadness working its way through his body as he began to blame himself for damaging the soldier in such a way.

The smile on Angeal's face slipped and he immediately grew more serious, the look on his rugged features still trying to appear light and friendly while the emotions within his eyes changed to something else.

"Zack did not change because of you, at least not in the way you fear." The commander explained, the cadet's expression of anguish and self-loathing making him worry about what the blonde was now thinking. "I admit that he calmed who he was for you, adapted his personality so that he could become the support you needed, but it was not a bad thing."

"But that means I did change him ... that he became something else because of me ... because of what I did." The blonde stated almost desolately, his voice so faint now that it was barely a whisper in the quiet room.

A heavy sigh echoed around them as the commander's silent fears were confirmed, his eyes silently scolding Cloud for having such thoughts as he began to try and explain something which he was unsure he should even be talking about. But seeing the lingering internal hate and confusion which now filled those innocent sapphire orbs he knew there was no other way, the truth he needed the blonde to see and accept involving the explanation of a painful past incident which was not really his to share.

"I love Zack as if he were my own son and his very presence in my life has given me the gift of being something I never thought I could be." Angeal explained, his voice becoming softer and a little wistful as he spoke. "But at the same time it has subjected me to things which I believe I would never have been blessed or cursed to experience without him. You're presence in our lives, though eventful to say the least, has proved to be one of the more pleasurable experiences."

"I don't understand." Cloud admitted faintly, his head a whirlwind of thoughts which refused to piece themselves together and make any sense of what was being said.

"Zack was always my pup... my student, he was a boy trying to be a man in an adult's world and because of our bond he had a harder time doing so than most. Oh, don't get me wrong..." The commander quickly added, as Cloud's expression became a little shocked and his pale lips opened to begin some form of protest to what was being said. "In many ways it was my own fault, trying to protect him from the harshness of reality while he continued to strive for greatness in the world. It allowed him to hold on to that bright youthful innocence in him, something, which in truth I was also unwilling to let go of." Angeal sighed, the truth he was now sharing freely with the cadet being something he still refused to admit out loud to anyone else. "But then one day it was ripped away from both of us in a way that neither he, nor I, had been ready for and it changed him in a way I could never have prepared for." The commander admitted sadly, his warm brown orbs now appearing haunted by the very past he was describing to the blonde. "I regret how I let that happen, how it broke the very part of him I had been trying so hard to protect. I honestly began to think that he would never truly recover from it, that he would never let someone get that close to him again, at least until you came along and made it possible."

"Kyle." Cloud breathed as he suddenly understood, the one word slipping out as barley a whisper yet halting their conversation as if he had shouted it at the top of his lungs.

"Yes." Angeal finally managed, his chocolate coloured eyes now looking at the cadet in a whole new light. "He told you about him?"

Fearing that he might say too much about such a personal matter the blonde only nodded in silence once more, as he held the questioning gaze being directed at him. However the lack of verbal reply was easily given a voice within his sky blue eyes and clearly let the commander know it was a topic they should not be discussing right now, but that perhaps it would be one they could return to another time. To this Angeal nodded his own form of understanding and grateful acceptance, the subject being one he still wasn't sure how to address either and in turn making him wonder just how much of a chat he was going to have with Cloud soon.

"Before ... Kyle..." He began, the very name causing both of them to winch slightly as if the man himself might hear them talking about him. "... Zack was a normal teenager full of excitement and a love for life. He would still be cheeky in his own special way, but it was never cocky or overconfident, and he always knew that he had to work hard to be the best." Here the explanation halted and a heavy sigh was heard once more, an almost pained sound now as the commander looked away and focused on something far off and in a place where Cloud could never hope to see it. "I admit it was hard on him and my over-protectiveness probably didn't help with the teasing, but I saw something in him which held such greatness I just couldn't let it go unguided, unchallenged, or unprotected."

"But I thought he had Reno to help him?"

"He did." Angeal agreed with a soft snort of amusement, his eyes sparkling as he briefly reflected back on those times. "And however much I grumble about the trouble the pair got into, once they became friends, I wouldn't have had it any other way."

"He encouraged Zack's ... wilder side?"

A heartfelt chuckle filled the air and the blonde had his response even before it was given words. "You could say that."

"Did they really do all of those things, I mean..." Cloud blushed, his cheeks warming as he tried to ask the question. "...they weren't just exaggerating to show off, were they?"

"No, if anything they were very honest and reserved with some of their tales."

"So, Reno wasn't a good influence on Zack?"

"That's the polite way of putting it."

"Then why did you let then become friends?"

It was a good question and a few years ago Angeal had found himself asking it many times over, especially when he was called to Sephiroth's office to deal with yet another indent involving his student. Yet now the answer was safely logged away in his heart, the truth of the matter cemented in place when he realised how much the red head had helped his puppy through the pain when he hadn't been able too.

"I admit that I had my doubts at first, but as I said before they have been good for each other. I would never tell him this, and you will not breathe a word of it either, but in his own way Reno was a blessing in disguise."

The confused look in those sapphire gems said it all, the blue discs widening a little more as a small mouth opened and closed soundlessly trying to find the words which were needed.

"For all the problems Reno's presence brought they also brought peace, they gave Zack someone his own age to hang around with and Gaia forgive me but also be someone I could trust to keep him safe. Their pranks may have caused trouble but were never intentionally harmful or malicious and, dare I say it, some of the individuals who suffered at their hands were perhaps slightly deserving as well."

If possible those ocean coloured pools became even wider in shock at such a revelation, except this time the lips didn't flap quietly like a fish but developed into a faint smile as the expression softened to one of understanding.

"You couldn't support their actions, but didn't exactly disagree with all of them either." Cloud guessed, his mouth curving up a little more as the commander smiled brightly and bowed his head in silent agreement of the statement. "What happened to him Angeal? How ... how did it ... change him, to go through that?" The cadet asked sadly, as his tiny smile slipped a little again.

"It was as if a piece of him had been cut away and there was nothing I could do to fix it, no way to heal the injury which had been made and repair the damage which had been done." The commander managed, his voice having become a little strained as he fought his own emotions and tried to keep the explanations as neutral as possible. "He still did his job and trained with unquestionable skill but ..."

"But the love for life was gone." Cloud guessed, his heart aching to imagine such a thing even being possible.

"Yes, that's exactly what it was like." Angeal breathed, a faint smile ghosting over his rugged features as he showed the cadet he was pleased that they understood each other. "He didn't become a shell of a man like some would, yet he still became a little lost and his view on life seemed to shift from the glass half full attitude we all knew him for to one of the glass being half empty."

"We?" The cadet managed, as his chest tightened a little more in response to the words .

"By this point in their lives Zack and Reno had been more than accepted for who they were and both had many friends within both soldier and Turk ranks." The commander informed him, a happy sigh and shake of his head only leaving the blonde even more confused until he spoke again. "In fact, every time I think about it I now wonder if the more stable relationship there is between the two groups is a result of their doing more than the elders who are supposed to lead them."

"What do you mean?"

"Not so long ago Turks and Soldiers did not get along, they were Shinra's spies and assassins and we were their armed forces. Neither would go up against the other, but then again neither would openly socialise with the other either."

"Why?"

"You have used that word many times tonight Cloud." Angeal huffed with a hint of irritation, an apologetic look quickly following the words as he realised that his bad mood was in fact due to the discussion they were having and not the cadet himself. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap at you. I just find these things hard to talk about, a problem which I believe you can understand."

"Yes." Cloud offered weakly, his face remaining low where it had hidden after the commander's initial outburst.

"Let's just say we disagreed on certain issues and it caused underlying tension between the groups." Angeal offered, as he chose to ignore the way the cadet was once again curled up defensively beside him. "Being who they were it was no surprise that Zack and Reno completely ignored their superiors in favour of making their own decisions, the resulting friendship indirectly bringing a certain amount of unity with it as well."

"Because you and Tseng were drawn together while dealing with their problems?" The blonde added, as he opened up a little.

"Exactly. Those two had the ability to create both war and peace within these halls and somewhere along the line it united the two groups to a more tolerable level of understanding."

"So all of you helped him, when he was losing his faith?"

Cloud knew that the half question half statement had pained the commander by the way his saddened brown orbs suddenly closed and the next breath became a sharp intake of air. But before he could offer an apology Angeal opened his eyes again and met his own with a firm and emotionally filled look, the kind which showed that this time had not only been hard on Zack but also the people around him.

"I tried my best to help him, but as a father figure there was only so much I could do. In truth his ... recovery was because of those closest to him now, to the ones he calls his best friends above all else."

"You mean Reno and Kunsel." Cloud guessed, a few small pieces of the puzzle finally clicking into place and confirming his earlier suspicions that the other soldier had not been assigned to watch over him during his punishment by accident.

"That is correct as well as another young Turk by the name of Cissnei, whom I believe you have not yet had the pleasure of meeting."

"Was she ... was she the one who watched over me that time when Zack went out?" The cadet hesitated to ask, his insides already telling him he knew the answer to his own question even as it was spoken.

"Indeed she was." Angeal confirmed with a soft smile. "It was Reno's idea at the time, but I believe Zack would not have entrusted your care with any other."

"Did they ... I mean were any of them ever... you know ...?" The blonde mumbled uncomfortably.

"No, they weren't. Cissnei is like a little sister to all of them, but don't let that fool you. She has a heart of gold that girl, yet can just as easily remove yours from your chest before you had time to blink."

"That's ... disturbing." The blonde muttered, more to himself than anyone else.

"Indeed. But it's that attitude which got through to Zack, and paved the way for Reno and Kunsel to do the rest, and for that I will always be gratefully to her."

"They're the ones who are coming round tonight." Cloud noted after taking a deep breath, his body slowly uncurling and appearing to be more relaxed than it had been before.

"Let me guess, poker night?" Angeal said, his eyes rolling a little as be began to rise to his feet.

"How did you know?"

"It's something they do quiet regularly, or at least did until Kunsel was sent on his assignment. It makes sense that they would get together again after so long."

"So all of this is ... normal, something they would have done anyway? He's not doing it to deliberately make me meet people?"

"Oh I have no doubt that Zack did it with that intention in mind as well but yes, this would probably have happened regardless of your presence or not."

Cloud's response was so low and spoken with such a deep grumble that the commander was unable to hear it clearly, but the slight flushing of the cadet's cheeks as he shifted uncomfortably let him know it was probably best that he had missed it.

"Come on. I believe you have had enough for today." Angeal noted gently, his large hand reaching out to offer the blonde assistance in getting up as well.

"I'm fine, really." Cloud protested, as he took the limb without even thinking about it and allowed himself to be pulled to his feet. "I was just distracted before, but now I'm ok."

The commander smiled in a light-hearted but still scolding way, as he silently let the blonde know he very much doubted that was the case. It was clear to see that while the unease and slight traces of fear had now been reduced greatly within the cadet's eyes he still appeared tired, the lingering emotions clouded by obvious fatigue from both the mental and physical exhaustion of the day.

"Had you been assigned paper work or weapons assessment today I might have believed you." Angeal began, his large warm hand releasing its hold on Cloud's smaller one and indirectly making them both aware of how freely he had taken it before. "But I saw you running laps and doing sets out there while the others trained, so I know the Sergeant had you working out all afternoon even if you weren't joining in."

"It was just laps and stuff, nothing hard." The cadet protested weakly, his fingers slowly curling round to run over each other and the palm of his hand which had been held only moments ago. "I'm not that tired." He added absentmindedly, as he suddenly found himself wondering what it meant that he had accept the commander's hand so quickly without thought or fear.

"Perhaps you do not feel tired but you look it and if you are going to be in any state to enjoy tonight I believe some rest is in order first." Angeal noted gently, his attention now also focused on the way Cloud had begun to study his own hand.

"Is it really going to be that bad?" The cadet found himself asking, his soft voice sounding concerned once again as he let the over studied limb fall to his side and finally looked up to meet the commander's concerned gaze.

"Do you know how to play poker?" Angeal asked, the question seeming a little odd to the blonde who shook his head in response and waited to see where the link would be made. "Then I will bless you with three pieces of wisdom to prepare you for later." The commander offered as he bent to retrieve the practice sword from where Cloud had left it on the floor and began to make his way over to the storage racks to put it away. "First, tell them you don't know how to play. Trust me the game is much more enjoyable when you know what you're doing. Plus I'm pretty sure they will all love the idea of teaching someone your age something as potentially corrupting and inappropriate as how to gamble."

Here even he had to stop and chuckle softly as Cloud giggled lightly, the sound being almost foreign to the young man in front of him but still a very pleasant thing to hear.

"Secondly ..." He began, as he led the more relaxed blonde across the room to collect their things. "Don't rely on just your cards to win a game, watch their behaviours and look for anything which gives them away."

"What do you mean?" Cloud asked, his attention no longer focused on their shortened session but instead on the advice he was being given as the commander opened the door for him and he stepped through the space created.

"In poker people sometimes have 'tells' little habits or responses which give away if they have good cards or are bluffing. It means they are pretending they have a good hand if you like." He added when a blonde eyebrow raised questioningly at the word.

"Ok." Cloud agreed, as they made their way out of the main building and started to head across the compound towards home. "What was the third thing?" He asked, the lighter tone helping Angeal to feel more confident in what he was about to say.

"Don't be afraid to talk to Zack about this, about how you are feeling. He can't read minds and won't understand you're reactions unless you tell him if things get too much. Instead he'll just guess and that could spoil the evening if he gets it wrong."

"I don't want to disappoint him, but its ... it's just hard to accept this so easily." Cloud admitted, his voice barely a whisper as they passed the last building and the soldier apartments finally came into sight. "I think I'm ... afraid ... of getting hurt again."

"These are Zack's friends and apart from Cissnei you have already met the other two before. Do you really think, after everything we have spoken about, that they would hurt you?"

"No, but ... but when something happens often enough it's easier to believe that's the way it will always be." The cadet replied softly, his voice to distant and laced with pain that it cut through the commander's heart like a warm knife through butter.

"Perhaps that was how it was, but not anymore. They are good people and Zack would not be who he is today if not for them. Remember that every time you feel nervous or unsure around them and it should help a little."

"Thank you." Cloud replied faintly, a ghost of a smile returning to his angelic features as they stopped outside the large doors before parting company. "I will." And then he was entering the building and making his way towards the lifts alone, his retreating figure missing how Angeal quickly took a phone from his pocket and began to make a much needed phone call.