Would you believe it, we finally get some sunshine and decent weather here and the higher temperature causes the power supply in my PC to overheat and die. Thankfully I had access to a lap top, but as all of my files were saved on the PC I've only recently been able to access them again and that is why this update is a little behind schedule.
Also a quick warning, I'm supposed to be having an exam on the 14th July (next week) but based on previous experiences I'll believe it when I see it. This does mean however that I will be focusing on that for the next few days so please don't be offended if I don't reply to reviews straight away. I do love and appreciate them greatly, but my time may be limited due to revision.
As always I hope you enjoy. It's not the cheeriest of chapters but things do get better :o)
Morning confessions
They woke the next morning still held safely within each other's arms, the night before now a warm and pleasant memory in both their minds. Upon seeing Cloud's happy and relaxed expression Zack instantly smiled in that wonderful way that he did, his soft violet orbs filled with a joyous light which showed just how much it meant to him that things had gone so well. And truthfully the cadet found it hard not to smile shyly in return, his sky blue eyes revealing a mixture of emotions and showing that while he was also pleased that things had gone well he was also still trying to process a lot of it.
"You ok?" The soldier asked lightly, his arms tightening around the blonde's body and drawing the smaller frame in closer against his own.
"I think so." Cloud replied softly, his hands moving restlessly along Zack's back as if unsure of where to place them. "I ... I had a good time. I had ... fun." The cadet whispered uncertainly, the hesitation in admitting such a thing causing the soldier to release the blonde from the tight embrace and move back to look at him more clearly.
"It's ok to have fun you know." Zack spoke up carefully, his lavender spheres instantly taking in how the small smile which had been on Cloud's lips before was now a little uneven as if he was unsure about his feelings.
"I know and ... I'm not ... it's not that ..."
The stumbling words should have bothered the soldier as he heard them being spoken and the confusion which was being presented should have made him worry. But there was something in the cadet's sapphire eyes which made Zack hold onto that calm place within him, the expression on the blonde's face not being one of fear or doubt but instead ... embarrassment.
"You can tell me anything." The soldier reassured gently, as he lent down to press his soft lips upon Cloud's forehead. "I'll still love you no matter what."
"I ... had a ... good time." The cadet managed, his gaze only flicking away momentarily before coming back round to see how Zack would react to the confession. "I didn't think I would, but I did." The blonde admitted sheepishly, the deep rich pools of blue now looking up at the soldier and pulling him down into their emotion filled depths.
"I told you it would be ok." Zack replied affectionately, the grin which was now spread across his handsome face barley hiding his amusement of the situation. "And I knew you'd enjoy yourself, once you got to know them."
"They're good friends, like Angeal said."
"And considering how reserved that man can be about complimenting people, what he really means is that they're great friends. Which they are." The soldier joked lightly, his amused amethyst orbs missing how the cadet's smile suddenly faltered and his expression became serious.
"You're lucky to have them Zack, don't ever forget that."
The soldier instantly stopped the light chuckle which had found a place within him, the sound dying out in the air around them as the smile on his face slipped a little. There was no denying the pain in Cloud's voice as he had spoken those words, the evidence of past hurt and betrayal being heard in every single syllable which was uttered.
"I'm sorry Spiky." Zack whispered, his expression becoming serious as he saw the shadows pass through the cadet's eyes.
"It's not your fault." The blonde replied sadly, his head tilting down as he moved forward and sought comfort in the soldier arms once more. "The things that have happened to me aren't your fault, so don't blame yourself. And don't apologise for something you didn't do."
"Alright." The soldier agreed quickly, the hint of anger in Cloud's voice making him feel unsettled for a different reason now. "But I wasn't apologising for your past, just that I'd upset you."
For a minute nothing happened and it was clear to see that the cadet was now frustrated by what had been said, his body quickly becoming tense within Zack's arms and in turn making the soldier's heart beat that little bit faster. Already his mind was sending out a silent prayer of thanks that the blonde had not pulled away, but the anxiety which was now creeping though Zack's veins with each passing second had him all but begging the same deity for guidance on what to say or do next.
"I'm not upset ..." Cloud began before the soldier could speak again, his words faltering as he took a deep breath and let it out with a heavy sigh. "At least, I'm not upset with you." The cadet corrected himself, the honest admission of his own feelings catching Zack by surprise and leaving him momentarily speechless. "I just wanted you to know how lucky you are." Cloud tried to explain, his voice cracking slightly as the emotions he was feeling began to surface and leak out with every word that was spoken. "I've never had what you have and never thought I would. But last night I got to feel what it would be like to have friends, real friends who would ... be nice to me."
Here the cadet's stammered revelations wavered again, his reasons pausing once more as he drew a stuttering breath and began to cry softly within the safety of the soldier's arms.
"I'm jealous of you ... of what you and they have together. I know I shouldn't be and ... and I'm sorry that I snapped just now. But ... but you don't see how ... you just don't know what it means to not have that. You don't know what it's like to be on the outside looking in."
"Hey, sssshhhh, it's ok." Zack soothed, one hand instantly moving to draw the trembling cadet in even closer against him while the other began to rub gentle circles across the blonde's back. "I'm sorry if it seemed like I was taking their friendship for granted or making a joke of it, I honestly wasn't. They're amazing people which I'm lucky to have in my life and you're right, I shouldn't make light of that."
"No ... it's not you ... it's me." Cloud choked, the small sobs which now accompanied his words making the soldier's chest tighten as he tried to calm the weeping cadet. "I ... I've never been ... welcomed ... like that before ... never ... Gaia, I'm so screwed up." The blonde whimpered, his hands quickly curling into tight fists so that they held onto Zack's top as if his life depended on it.
"You're not screwed up, but you have been screwed over Spiky. The things that were done to you and the way you've been treated was wrong. It's no wonder my attitude bugged you and don't you dare be sorry for letting me see that."
"I still shouldn't have snapped at you like that." Cloud whispered, his voice strained as if he were now trying to hold back the tears which wanted to continue falling.
"No secrets, remember?" Zack replied lovingly, his lips once again pressing down onto the cadet's head to place a series of feather-light kisses upon a sea of blonde spikes. "I'm not saying I like it when this happens between us, but I'd rather have it then silence and misunderstanding."
"I can't control it, can't ... keep it inside ... like I could before." Cloud mumbled against his chest, the soft tone which he spoke with failing to hide the fear that had crept into his voice. "I used to be able to keep it all inside, but now it won't stay there ... won't let me bury it away."
"Cloud." The soldier began, his words pausing until he felt the cadet nod in acknowledgement of his name and Zack knew he was actually listening. "You need to explain this to me because at the moment I'm a little lost and truthfully it's got me worried. I thought last night was ok, that you enjoyed yourself, but after what you've just said I'm feeling like I pushed you into it and now you're freaking out in some way."
"My feelings, I can't keep my feelings buried anymore." Cloud quickly clarified, his whole body shifting back as he looked up into concerned violet eyes so that Zack could see the truth in the words. "I did enjoy last night ... honestly I did. And yes ... I'm still trying to work though some of it, but that's not because I'm freaking out." The cadet began to explain, his voice now trembling almost as much has his hands which still held onto the soldier's top with a firm unyielding grip. "I'm trying to ... accept the fact that people were nice to me, that they wanted ... that they didn't mind having me there. I'm still on this incredible high that I was able to do well at something without being ... beaten ... or made to suffer for it. But at the same time I'm scared to death that it was all just a dream and that any minute I'm going to wake up and find out that really they hated me and want their money back."
"Cloud I..." Zack tried to interrupt, his attempt to give some reassurance falling flat as the cadet continued as if he'd never even spoken.
"I used to be able to push my feelings aside, to bury them down so deep that I couldn't ... so that they couldn't hurt me. I didn't let myself experience hope because it always led to disappointment and I certainly never let myself feel joy because it would always end in pain." The blonde stammered, his mind so lost to the storm which seemed to be raging within him that his words had become a stream of unconscious thought as they poured out of him. "I learnt to hide it all, to be a blank slate and only draw on the anger inside of me when I needed to fight to survive. But then I ... the wall I had built to protect me ... it started to ... to kill me. I ... I made it too strong ... too ..."
Here Cloud's words fell away into silence, his head jerking round and his eyes searching the dimly lit room as if trying to find the words he needed to explain himself properly.
"You lost yourself inside it, didn't you?" The soldier guessed, his question drawing the cadet's fearful gaze back up towards him again. "You stopped feeling altogether and in the end stopped being you."
"I remember who I was then and I know who I am now, but ... the things in between are ..."
"Confusing?" Zack offered lightly, as the blonde's voice faltered again.
"Yes, but also ... it scares me."
"How?"
This time when sapphire gems meet amethyst jewels there was something else within them, a flicker of light which showed that while Cloud had admitted to being a little fearful of this change it was not something that he regretted.
"That day you found me, when I had ... lost myself completely."
"Ummmmm" The soldier replied carefully, afraid that any other verbal acknowledgement of the blonde's words could backfire on him at this point.
"That was the day my walls came crumbling down for the first time, when you found me and I heard you ... when I saw your pain. I ... my walls shattered like glass and I felt it, I felt it all ... and it hurt."
For a minute neither of them spoke and a heavy silence grew around them, Zack now unsure of what to say without possibly making things worse while Cloud was desperately searching the soldier's expression for something to let him know what the raven haired man was now thinking.
"I kept trying to rebuild my walls after that day, needing to have something there to hide behind." The cadet started to explain, the intense gaze which he still held on Zack making the soldier begin to feel a little uncomfortable. "But you wouldn't let me do it properly. You kept chipping away at my attempts and sometimes knocking them down completely as they started to become more solid again."
It was at this point that Zack's lavender eyes opened wide and finally looked down to meet sky blue orbs once more, the blonde's calmly spoken statement causing a rush of fear, hope and uncertainty to coarse though his body as he silently waited to hear more.
"I still have my walls, I still managed to rebuild them even though you tried to stop me." Cloud whispered, finding that suddenly it was he who was unable to meet the soldier's questioning gaze. "But there's a door in them now, a way for things to slip in and out of, and you put it there."
"Is that such a bad thing?" The soldier asked as softly as he could, his heart beating an unnaturally fast rhythm even as he held his breath in anticipation of the answer.
"No, it's not." The cadet replied gently, his body once again settling in against Zack's larger frame and taking shelter within a protective embrace. "But it feels like a weakness, that by opening myself up to you its left a gap in my defences against everyone else."
"I get why you still feel the need to protect yourself from the other cadet's, but you don't have to hide who you are from Reno, Kunsel or Cissnei. They won't hurt you like the others have."
"I don't trust people easily Zack, but that's who I am and not even you can change that." Cloud sighed, his voice a little distant now as if he were trying to somehow separate himself from what he as saying. "I'm sorry if that sounds cold and bitter but it's the truth, something which you've seen for yourself if you think about all the time we've known each other."
"Do you trust me now?" The soldier found himself asking, the question pouring from his mouth like water breaking free from a dam which had failed to hold it back.
"Yes, I do." The cadet replied softly, the quick response being filled with such certainty that it brought with it a sense of peace which Zack hadn't even known he needed. "But you know that it didn't come over night, that we both went through a lot for me to get to that point."
"We also had to work through some stuff which gave you a reason to doubt me, things which I said and did to make you unsure. I'll always be sorry for making you feel that way, for hurting your feelings and damaging the fragile trust you had put in me back then."
"I'm not trying to make you feel bad about what happened then, about the mistakes we both made." Cloud protested faintly, his cheek nuzzling in against the soldier's chest as he silently tried to get the hand which was on his back to start moving again.
Zack couldn't help but smile as he picked up on the unspoken signals, his heart actually calming as he realised that the cadet was no longer as upset as he had been and was now seeking comfort rather than pushing it away.
"So what you're basically saying is that you trust me, but only because I've indirectly earned that trust." Zack began, his mind mulling over the information he'd been given and trying to put it into some sort of order now that the blonde was lying passively in his arms.
"Yes." Cloud breathed lightly against his chest, as he settled himself into a more comfortable position. "I know it sounds silly but I'm not ready to let other people in just yet, to trust them the way I've come to trust you."
"I suppose that's fair enough given the circumstances." The soldier agreed, his head and heart having a momentary flash of conflict over the idea. "Just promise me you'll remember how well last night went the next time we get together, that you'll try to be more relaxed around them in the future and give things a chance to develop between all of you."
"I promise to try." The cadet agreed with only a small hesitation, the lingering uncertainty about being part of the group still evident in his voice. "They're still your friends and I don't want to come between you all, but I need time to ... to feel safe around them."
"They won't hurt you Spiky, they're not like that."
"I know and I saw it for myself last night but ... but I ..." Here the blonde's words fell away to a tired and weary sigh, the heavy release of breath letting Zack know that Cloud was silently chastising himself for his negative thoughts even as he had them. "It's a part of me now, the need to question and doubt those around me, and ... and I don't think it's something that will ever go away." The cadet tried to explain, the obvious regret for the life he now lived so evident in every word that it made the soldier's heart ache. "I don't want to feel this way but I do and now that I can't shut my emotions away properly anymore it's even harder. I ... it's like I've been permanently damaged by what's happened, the wounds they inflicted leaving both mental and physical scars which run deep and will never go away."
"You're not scarred Cloud." Zack stated firmly, his heart refusing to believe that the cadet was somehow irreparably broken by his life experiences.
"Yes I am." The blonde retorted forcefully, his pained tone cutting off the soldier's reassurances like a knife through the heart. "You can't see them but I can feel them, I feel them every day, and because of that I'm always reminded of it. I didn't just build walls to keep people out I built rooms within rooms to keep my secrets in, to hide my pain and fear from everyone including myself."
"And I've made you face all that again, haven't I?" Zack asked sadly, even though he already knew the answer.
"I leant to just be what they wanted, to do what was expected of me, and to ignore the reasons why. I let who I was get buried away somewhere because I wasn't strong enough to face it, allowed myself to become lost and alone because I didn't want more hurt to add to what was already there." Cloud continued to explain, his lips once again speaking the words before his mind had even finished processing them.
"And that's what nearly killed you isn't it, that's why you gave up? You hadn't just lost hope that day I found you, you'd lost yourself and couldn't find a reason to keep going." The soldier managed to say, as he felt a tightness in his throat and desperately tried to swallow the emotional lump which had started to form there.
"By that point I wasn't really me anymore anyway. I ... I was something else, something cold and empty ... and ... filled with ... darkness." The cadet admitted bitterly, the hurt and self-loathing he now felt so evident in his voice that it made Zack's heart throb painfully.
"Oh Cloud." The soldier all but choked, his own closed violet eyes now burning with the liquid heat of unshed tears as he held the cadet close. "Gaia I wish you'd come to me sooner, wish I'd seen that you needed me before all that happened. God I'm such an idiot for not seeing how much you were hurting and for not ..."
"You didn't do anything wrong." Cloud interrupted, as he struggled to move back so he could look up at Zack's face. "I've already told you I had ... have trust issues. That's why I never came to you back then, why I kept you at a distance, and why things happened the way they did." The blonde argued firmly, as he found the unrelenting hold around his torso too strong to break free of so reluctantly stopped trying. "How was I supposed to come to you with my problems when I couldn't even trust my own feelings about them ... or about you?" The cadet breathed sorrowfully in defeat, the words barely a whisper against the soldier's chest yet being heard as if he'd shouted them at the top of his lungs in the deathly silent room.
"I still should have tried harder." The soldier protested, his embrace loosening just a little so that he was no longer crushing the blonde to his chest.
"If you had pushed any harder I would have just run further away." Cloud stated evenly, the words being said in such a matter of fact way that Zack had no reason to doubt their truth. "I was ... comfortable in your presence, felt ... safer ... when you were around, but that didn't stop me from keeping things from you back then."
"If I made you feel ... better ... then why did you do it? Why did you give up?"
"I was already close to breaking point that day and what they did pushed me over the edge, the dark emptiness within me so deep that it seemed almost bottomless as I began to fall. They beat me because I had done well in class, because I defeated them during some sparring match's while training." The cadet explained, the memory clearly a painful one for him and suddenly explaining why the blonde was now concerned about having won the poker game the night before. "I just shut down Zack, that last part of me that cared just gave up and when it went there was nothing left. I know it sounds crazy, that it probably makes me look weak and pathetic, but that's what it was like for me." Cloud stammered, his face hidden from view by choice as he found that he no longer wanted to look up into those kind violet eyes which had once looked at him with love and were now probably filled with disgust. "I've already told you there was something else inside of me, something I let grow by not feeling, and that's what took over that day. It ... it took over so that I didn't have to think anymore, made everything numb so that ... so that I didn't feel anymore."
"You have to let that part of you go and find yourself again Spiky." Zack began, his free hand now moving to cup the cadet's jaw and gently force his head up so that their eyes could finally meet to see what needed to be seen. "I know it hurts and that you're scared, but you need to move on from the past and to do that you need to accept everything that's happened to you."
"I have accepted it, I ..." Cloud tried to argue, his head shaking frantically against the soldier's open palm as tender loving lavender orbs silently told him to stop fooling himself.
"You didn't accept it Spiky you hid it away, buried it deep into the recesses of your mind and tried to pretend it couldn't hurt you there." Zack explained as kindly as he could, the words he now needed to say being ones he wasn't sure that Cloud would actually want to hear. "But the truth is you need to face the things which hurt you and acknowledge how they made you feel, then find a way to deal with that pain and anger instead of ignoring it. It's not healthy to keep the bad stuff trapped inside, it poisons who you are and creates that darkness inside that you keep talking about. It's bad enough that I nearly lost you that day because of it, but then the incident in the gym with the other cadets and with Sephiroth. Well that was just more of what you're trying to hide breaking free."
"I was defending myself from them Zack and what I did to the general, that was an accident." The cadet argued, his voice now wavering between angry denial but also fearful uncertainty as the soldier's words began to sink in.
"Do you remember what happened that day, the fight I mean? Do you actually remember what happened from the moment the first punch took place right up until the point where you hit Sephiroth?"
"I ... I was ... and they ... then we ... but I ..." The blonde stammered numbly, his mind frantically trying to find the memories he needed to describe what happened.
"You don't remember because you switched into a sort of self-defence mode." The soldier pointed out, before sighing softly and taking the trembling cadet in his arms once more. "It's ok to have that instinct Spiky, the ability to fight naturally without having to think too hard about it." Zack started to explain, as he gently ran his fingers through the blonde's sleep tousled hair. "But you can't allow yourself to disconnect to the point of not being there, of letting whatever it is you keep referring to inside of you take over like that."
"It kept me safe Zack."
"It nearly killed you."
"It protected me from the other cadets."
"It made you hit the general."
The statement hit Cloud like a slap in the face and his arguing words fell to silence, the lack of reply bringing with it a thick and heavy quietness which settled around them like the oppressive thunder of an approaching storm. Slowly the seconds ticked by without a sound being made, the pair still lying together in each other's arms and able to feel the tension which now existed between them. But just as the soldier was about to say something the blonde began to move, his supple body pulling away from their shared embrace so that he could slid out from between the sheets and begin to make his way out of the bedroom.
Zack watched Cloud go and felt his heart ache a little more, his insides screaming at him and wanting to know why he had let the cadet pull away like that. Already his arms were feeling cold and empty, the need to hold the blonde close screaming along every fibre of his being as he watched the pale figure walk towards the bedroom door. But the soldier knew he couldn't force Cloud to stay beside him in that moment, understood that the cadet required some time alone and space to think about what had been said. It was for this reason, and this reason alone, that he didn't call out to the blonde as he began to open the door. But then Cloud hesitated at the threshold, one foot now out of the room with the other one poised and ready to follow at any second. And suddenly Zack felt a rush of hope as the cadet spoke, as Cloud's sweet soft voice cut through the silence so faintly that for a moment the soldier couldn't be sure if he hadn't just imagined it.
"What was the surprise?"
"Huh?" Zack replied uncertainly, his mind momentarily stunned by the question and left feeling a little confused.
"The surprise." The blonde repeated lightly without turning round, as he waited patiently in the doorway for an answer. "Last night you said you had a surprise and that I should get some rest. I was just wondering if ... if you were still going to tell me?"
"I'd like to, but ... " The soldier began, his words dying instantly at the sound of a heavy sigh coming from where Cloud now stood with his back to the bedroom.
"I'm not mad at you." The cadet breathed softly, his shoulders now hunched forward and his face bowed down in a way which screamed defeat. "It's just ... you're right ... and now I have more things to think about."
"I didn't mean to ... that wasn't my intention ..." Zack started to explain, his words once again being cut off by the blonde who clearly didn't want to talk about it anymore.
"It's ok, honest." Cloud spoke up, as he finally turned his head just enough so that he could glance back over his shoulder at the soldier still lying in their bed. "I told you, I just needed some time to think about it and then we can talk again. Ok?"
"Alright." The soldier agreed, the situation and guarded look in the cadet's cobalt eyes making it hard to do anything else.
"So, this surprise." The blonde began, a faint smile finally making its way onto his soft lips as they curved up a little at the edges. "Are you still going to show me, or have I ... has this spoilt it?"
"I'd still like to show you, but it involves going out and doing a bit of travelling together. So if you need some space ..."
Here Zack let the offer go unsaid, neither of them actually needing to hear the words he would have spoken and both grateful they had not been given a voice to make them more real.
"I'm not ready to think about it now anyway, so I'd like to go out." Cloud admitted softly, his face turning back towards the living room but with his head now held a little higher than before. "I'm going to grab a shower and then I'll cook us some breakfast, unless you had other plans."
"No, that sounds good." The soldier replied, a bit more of the usual cheer back in his voice now but still not quiet what they both knew it could be. "A decent breakfast is probably a good idea for what I've got planned."
"Alright."
And with that one word the cadet was gone, his retreating figure leaving Zack to slump back onto the mattress unseen and let out the deep breath he'd been holding as a long slow release of air. There was no denying that things had not gone as planned that morning, the wonderful way they had woken up together ending with such a heavy conversation before they had separated and begun to get ready for the day ahead. But still things could have gone a lot worse in the soldier's opinion, the fact that Cloud was still talking to him making the surprise he had planned possible once more and hopefully bringing things back around to a more enjoyable time together. Although if Zack was honest with himself he knew that he'd never get the cadet's words out of his head, that a small part of his mind wouldn't rest until it knew that Cloud had really thought about what had been said.