I know ... I know ... there's just no excuse for this late delay in updating. I did take a few days off after the exam to let my brain rest but ended up with other stuff to deal with and a last miunte birthday party for a friend to help organise. On the plus side I'm also late in updating because I was working on a new 4WS story and shoud be able to post the first chapter for that either later today or tomorrow :o)
Anyway, as always I hope you enjoy and remember reviews are always welcome :o)
Rain, rain, go away
The day had gone from bad to worse in Zack's opinion, the plans he had made for them being well and truly destroyed by the torrential rain which now poured down upon the world outside. Sighing heavily the soldier shook his head once more at the dark clouds and howling wind on the other side of the glass, his hand slowly reaching up to touch the cold windowpane and feel the thick drops of water smack against the hard surface before running away and out of sight.
He still couldn't believe that the weather had turned so quickly as they had eaten breakfast, that the bright but cloud sky which had greeted them upon waking was now the stuff of nightmares as the storm raged outside. And even though he knew it was for the best that they had been caught inside by the sudden change it didn't make his disappointment any less, the countryside hike and subsequent picnic he'd been looking forward to now a complete washout.
From across the room Cloud couldn't help but feel a little sorry for Zack, the hurt and saddened expression on his handsome features looking more out of place than an evening dress on the great General Sephiroth. But the cadet knew part of the reason why that disappointed gloom now emanated from his boyfriend, the revelation of what the soldier had planned making even the blonde's heart ache to know what they were missing out on.
An opportunity to escape the smothering city would have been wonderful, the chance to walk amongst trees and grass once more seeming almost like a dream after so many months of being cooped up within the concrete and steel jungle of the base. To feel a fresher breeze against his skin and smell the flowers again, to walk barefoot on soil and not stone, to sit beneath an open sky with Zack by his side and no one else around for miles and miles. It was just the thing that Cloud had needed to do, the soldier having planned everything from food to transport so that they could get away from it all for a day. Unfortunately there was one thing which Zack had no control over, one element which was beyond even his abilities, and that had been the exact thing which was now letting them down.
Sighing softly to himself the cadet looked past the dejected soldier and out of the window as well, his sapphire eyes slowly taking in the sight of the depressed world outside and feeling it as if it were a reflection of his own emotions. Almost a second later and the blonde's attention was drawn away from the bleak weather and towards Zack's reflection on the glass, the soldier's forehead pressed flat against the smooth surface with his eyes closed, and saw his handsome features were now as sombre as the weeping world outside. And suddenly Cloud knew that he had to do something to change that, had to make something happen which would put a smile back on Zack's face and make the sun shine for both of them again.
Rising quickly from his place at the dining table the cadet left the textbook he had been reading and hurried to stand behind the soldier, his slim arms quickly winding round Zack's waist so that he could embrace him tightly from behind. What he hadn't been expecting however was to feel the soldier tense beneath his touch, the strong and well defined body instinctively trying to move away before he realised who was holding him and relaxed again.
"You're pretty good at sneaking up on people." Zack chuckled nervously after a moment, the joking tone of his voice tainted by something else which made Cloud's insides become unsettled.
"I'm sorry." The cadet whispered against the soldier's back, his heart now racing a million miles an hour as he began to fear Zack's reaction to his presence. "I didn't mean to."
"It's ok." The soldier sighed wearily, as he continued to look out of the window in front of him. "I was sort of distracted anyway, so ... don't worry about it."
For a minute nothing happened and the pair remained where they were standing in silence, both listening to the sound of the rain falling outside, and with Cloud's arms now wrapped tightly around Zack's waist and holding on as if afraid to let go. Neither spoke as the seconds ticked by and the uneasy feeling between them grew stronger, each afraid that they might say or do the wrong thing at what was suddenly becoming an uncomfortable moment in time.
"You know I'm kinda tired." The soldier announced abruptly, his hands already moving to unclasp the cadet's from around his torso so that he could pull away. "I think I'm gonna lay down for a bit." He mumbled hastily, as he swiftly extracted himself from the blonde's desperate embrace and began to walk away.
"Zack?" Cloud called out softly, as he watched the raven haired teen try to make his escape from what had become an awkward situation. "Why won't you look at me?" He asked quickly before it was too late, needing but not wanting to know why there was now so much tension between them.
"I'm just tired. That's all." Zack replied weakly, his warm lavender eyes not quite meeting the blonde's concerned blue ones as he spoke.
"Fine. I'll try not to disturb you." Cloud replied bitterly, his stormy cobalt spheres turning to look away from the lie and instead at the tempest outside.
The soldier hesitated briefly as the tone was heard and the words sunk in, his heart clenching slightly as he realised that they both knew he wasn't being completely honest as he walked away. But it was too late to take back what he'd said without making it even more obvious, too late to apologise for his behaviour when the cadet had already started to close himself off from the conversation. It was for this reason that Zack didn't say anything, the breath he'd been holding now escaping his body as a defeated and weary sigh as he turned away once more. That was until Cloud spoke voice again, the sadly uttered words so faint he only just made them out and as they passed the blonde's lips.
"Silence and misunderstanding."
The shock of what he'd heard hit the soldier like a slap in the face and he instantly spun round to face the cadet behind him, Cloud's body still turned to gaze out of the window at the dark world outside and refusing to look at him now. They were all too familiar those words and struck Zack hard in the chest, making his heart feel crushed in a vice like grip, the unspoken meaning of the blonde's verbal response being very clear to him, as he felt the emotional weight of his own reassurances from earlier fall on his shoulders.
"Shit." Zack swore faintly, the frustration he was now feeling very evident in his voice and also his actions as his hands came up to aggressively run fingers through his hair. "Way to use my own words against me." He muttered irritably, as the cadet finally turned to look at him with thunderous blue spheres.
"I'm sorry if I upset you this morning and I'm sorry that the weather stopped us from going out and having a good time." Cloud spat angrily, the obvious hurt and frustration now flickering through his dark sapphire eyes like the lightening which flashed across the dark sky outside. "But I'm not sorry we couldn't go, if this is how it was going to be all day." He stated firmly, the cold hard expression he wore making the soldier's own feelings of irritation rumble like the thunder overhead.
Knowing that it wouldn't do any good to let his emotions get the better of him Zack drew a deep breath and let it out slowly before speaking again, his voice unfortunately still sounding tight even as he tried to keep it neutral.
"I'm not upset with you about this morning..." He began, the words faltering as the cadet made a noise from across the room which expressed his doubt in what was being said. "Ok, so I'm a bit upset." The soldier corrected gruffly, his mood not improving when the blonde only snorted again before turning away. "But I was more frustrated about the weather ruining our day than that ... at least until just now."
"So it is my fault?" Cloud sighed almost a second later, the sudden change to a saddened tone catching Zack by surprise and making his heart momentarily falter in its beats.
"No it's not. It's not your fault Spiky so don't do that, don't lay the blame on yourself for my mood."
"How can I not when you just admitted it?"
"I ... I ..." The soldier began helplessly, the various words he needed to explain now lost to him. "I think ... I think I'm gonna give you some space." He finally managed to say, his voice barely a whisper in the room as they both listened to the rain fall against the window. "It'll give us both some space to calm down before either of us says something we'll regret later."
"Why do we keep doing this?" Cloud asked, the regret he was now feeling so evident in his words. "Why does everything end up as an argument between us at the moment?"
Zack drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly, the answers he wanted to give swirling through his head until he settled on one and was sure it would be the safest to use.
"You're finally letting someone in and it's scaring you, whether you realise it or not." He started to suggest, the reason being a sound one in his own mind but not one he was sure that the blonde would want to hear. "I'm no expert but I think the fights are a defence mechanism, a way to keep me out even though you're also trying to let me in."
"I ... I don't understand." Cloud admitted softly, his body finally turning back around to face the soldier again so that they could look at each other properly while talking.
"You said yourself that it's like there's a door in your walls, a way for things to slip in and out of now."
Cloud only nodded to confirm the statement, neither of them really needing a reply to what was essential an echo of his own words from earlier.
"Well I think that ... even though part of you wants to have that ... another part of you doesn't, doesn't want there to be that ... weakness."
"So ... it is my fault ... that we argue."
This time Zack didn't stop his hand from rising up and smacking his own face with an open palm, the action causing a slight sting to his nose and receiving a clearly shocked gasp to be heard from across the room.
"I didn't say that." He managed to say quiet calmly, the rough edge to his voice becoming more obvious as his hand lowered itself to his side again. "And if you think about it you'll see that this time it was my actions which led to this happening, because I pulled away from you just now."
"Then why?"
"That's a good question, why?" The soldier sighed sadly, the blonde's obvious need to know making it hard for his violet eyes to hold the turbulent blue spheres any longer as he looked away. "I was caught by surprise when you hugged me and reacted badly, that's all. Well maybe that's not all." He admitted reluctantly, as he drew another steadying breath. "I mean, if I'm honest, I was ... am ... disappointed ... in not being able to take you out like I'd planned and ..."
"And...?" Cloud asked with baited breath, his heart skipping a beat as he waited for Zack to continue.
"And now it feels like I'm just screwing up even more by not being able to explain myself properly."
For a few minutes neither spoke as the storm continued to rage outside, the sounds it made filling the silent void around them as the soldier worried that he'd possibly made things more uncomfortable between them while the cadet quietly thought about what had been said. In the end it was the blonde who spoke again first, his soft voice sounding calm and if anything more relaxed than it had done only a few moments ago.
"I think I understand now."
"You ... do?" Zack hesitated to ask, wanting to know but also nervous about pushing for answers.
"Your ... our plans for today have been spoilt and it ... upset you. But instead of saying something you wanted to keep it from me and so pulled away, tried to put some distance between us so it wouldn't bring me down as well."
"Yea. That sounds about right."
"Except I made it worse by overreacting to things again, by thinking you were only ... worrying about what was said this morning." Cloud found himself saying, the fact that the soldier didn't interrupt him giving the blonde more confidence and certainty in what he was saying. "I think you're right about me still being ... defensive ... about letting you in. I don't mean to but it's ... I think it's something I'm still getting used to and ... and that's why I ..."
"You what?" Zack had to ask, as the cadet's faltering words and avoiding gaze made him worry a little more again.
"I don't do it on purpose but it's in my nature to be suspicious, to be wary of others and question their intentions." Cloud sighed, his sky blue eyes now coming back up to look at the soldier as they spoke. "I do trust you but when ..."
"When you feel threatened in any way or lose control over your emotions you become guarded." Zack finished, knowing exactly what the cadet was trying to say. "And I know why you do it, why you don't like to show what you're feeling. I understand that you can't help but try to hide your emotions and why you feel the need to fight to protect yourself. Just like I know by opening up to me you feel more vulnerable now and it's only natural for you to be uncomfortable with that."
"It would really help if I could put a lock on that damn door you made." Cloud chuckled dryly, his attempt at humour to lighten the situation helping in some small way. "And I'm sorry." He apologised before the soldier could speak again. "What you said makes sense and I guess I am still ... pushing you away, at least a little bit. I don't do it on purpose I ... I want to change and I will, but I need ..."
"Time." Zack finished for him again, the slightly shocked look and then soft shy smile he got in return showing that he'd guessed right.
"So ... what now?" The blonde mumbled hesitantly, his gaze drifting to the storm outside before once more returning to look at the soldier across the room from him. "I mean we could go out but ..."
"We'd be drowned rats before we even got half way there." Zack sighed, an appreciative by also amused smile forming on his lips. "Beside's Angeal would kill me if you got soaked and ended up with a cold."
"I guess." Cloud replied a little distantly, his mind already searching for other possibilities.
"Look ..." The soldier began, as he took the cadet's far off expression to mean something else. "I wasn't completely making it up before when I said I was tired, so how about I crash in the bedroom for an hour or two and get out of your hair?"
"You don't have too." The blonde replied quickly, his protest sounding a little flustered and causing Zack's feelings of uncertainty to kick in again. "I mean ... I ... don't want you to feel like you have to ... go. It's your home after all." He added faintly, the last part instantly drawing the soldier's own objecting words to the surface.
"It's our home now and you're already working at the table so it seems silly for you to move. Besides, I'd be more comfortable sleeping on the bed than the sofa anyway."
"If you're sure." Cloud mumbled shyly, a light blush colouring his cheeks as Zack's words sunk in.
"What's got you looking so bashful all of a sudden Spiky? Not that I'm complaining mind you." The soldier asked after a moment, his lavender eyes sparkling as the blonde's fair skin darkened to the colour of rose petals.
"You said our home." The cadet whispered softly, the brighter light in his sapphire orbs showing his happiness that Zack hadn't even hesitated in making such a statement.
"That's because it is." The soldier chuckled with amusement, the upward curve of his mouth instantly stretching into a big grin as the tension between them evaporated completely. "Now do your homework and get it out the way. I mean ... it makes sense to do it now, while the weathers like this, right?"
"Yes, it does."
"Good." Zack continued gently, a happier and more relaxed expression forming on his handsome face. "And if the weather doesn't get any better later I'll give Angeal a call and see if we can sneak into one of the VR rooms and spar a bit. That way we'll get to see the countryside, sort of, and have some fun."
"I'd like that." Cloud agreed while smiling joyfully, the new plan of action fitting with his own slowly forming idea quiet well.
"Ok, so ..." The soldier began, as he noticed the cadet's pleased but thoughtful look. "Wake me in a few hours or when you're done, whatever comes sooner." He finished calmly, having decided that whatever was going though the blonde's mind it couldn't be bad because of the way he was now smiling.
"Alright. Sleep well."
Again Zack couldn't help but feel that he was missing something by the way he was being dismissed so easily, Cloud's obvious distraction by his own internal musings making the soldier want to ask more. But Zack knew that it would probably be best to leave the questions for later, the truce they had reached still being too fresh to upset with more probing enquires at that moment in time. So instead of saying anything else he turned and made his way into the bedroom closing the door softly behind him, his retreating figure missing how the cadet instantly grinned with excitement and began to put his own plans into action.