Another gargantuan chapter. I have one more chapter written up after this and then updates might be a bit irregular because I've got school things coming up.

Once again, I do not own Syed or Christian, they are (sadly) owned by the BBC.

Sorry if this is a bit rambly and OOC. I don't know if I'm entirely happy with it but then I'm my own worst critic, so here goes.

Because it's been ages since I updated here's a brief reminder of the last chapter:

As if reading Christian's thoughts, Syed answered the question on Christian's lips.

'They kicked me out because they caught me sleeping with someone.' A breath. Another bite of the lip. 'A man.'

Listening to Syed, Christian found himself in a very odd state. He wasn't in the least surprised that Syed had slept with a man, possibly one of many. What did surprise him was that Syed was telling him. Christian had guessed the versions of events Syed had told him when they had first met had been condensed but what he hadn't bargained on was them being slightly untrue.

'I spent ages- years afterwards- (I was 18) wrestling my conscience. I thought that I couldn't be gay, that it was impossible to be gay, because after all I'm Muslim. I didn't think anyone had ever even heard of a gay Muslim, I thought they were so far removed from each other, the phrase was virtually an oxymoron.' Syed rolled his eyes, Christian couldn't help but think the effect was ruined by the tears clinging to Syed's eyelashes. 'It was before I'd discovered the power of the internet.' He said wryly.

'Sometimes, oh this is good, sometimes Christian, I even went to gay bars. After whoever I'd picked up had left, I felt dirty and sick and... bad. What I'd done was bad. So I suppressed it, and I went on suppressing it.' He turned to look at Christian, his gaze as penetrative as a laser. 'I could have carried on suppressing it, Christian.'

He glared at Christian with such a force, Christian was momentarily stunned.

'You know, when I saw you, want to know what the first thought in my head was?' Now Syed had opened the floodgates, there didn't seem to be an end to it. 'I thought, I could sleep with him, stop thinking about sex and forget about him tomorrow... and then I saw who you were. I was mortified that it was you. So I suppressed it even more. Asked you to stay with me, thought I could really play the straight host, as it were.' He laughed bitterly, gesturing to the position they were sitting in. The two men had somehow, even during Syed's tirade, inched closer together, their limbs entwined, without even registering it. 'Look how that turned out.'

'Syed, I-'

Syed continued as if he hadn't even heard Christian speak. For all Christian knew, he hadn't.

'I thought I could resist. I'd done it before. All I had to do was be strong, right? Pray harder, study the Quran harder... I forgot that it's almost impossible to forget about you. How can I when you're always... here ? I could have asked you to leave, of course I could have. But I couldn't... I still can't. Because...' He took a shuddering breath, watching Christian watch him. 'I don't want you to go.'

After that admission Syed sat in silence, with his head bowed for such a long time Christian didn't think he'd continue.

But after the agonising passage of time had passed, he did. 'Remember when you said whatever you said about sleeping with me? Do you know how I felt then? How much I wanted to just let go and just do it, just... rip your clothes off and... and-' Before Christian had time to blink, Syed's lips were covering his, moving furiously.

Syed pulled him closer with strength he didn't look like he had, taking Christian aback.

'Wait, Sy...' Christian muttered into his mouth as he fought every natural urge in him fighting to respond.

He smelt amazing, spicy and somehow sweet and he tasted even better... Christian found his body betraying him as he fervently returned the kiss and felt the unbearable bliss of his lust for him grow and grow, along with another part of his body and along with a tender feeling in his brain- he really didn't want to think about that tender feeling- and kissing Syed felt so natural and good- but this didn't feel right and God, how was he doing that... 'Wait! Christian pushed Syed off him. Syed looked at his hands, suddenly finding them very interesting. He was breathing so heavily Christian was starting to worry he was close to a panic attack. He tentatively gazed at Syed, a subtle cue to get him to look at him.

Slowly, slower than Christian would have liked, Syed raised his head up to look at him. 'Syed... you know I want this as much as you do, but... not like this. I... well... I like you.'

Syed stared at him belligerently, ignoring his heart rate speeding up dangerously at Christian's words. He liked him?

Instead of vocalising one of the mass of tangled thoughts in his head, Syed breathed a question showing his confusion. 'What?'

'I like yo-'

Syed waved his arms impatiently. 'I got that bit... but you won't sleep with me because you like me?'

Christian nodded once, looking at Syed to make sure he understood.

'Well that's just great.' Syed murmured sarcastically, embracing himself.

'What you've told me, Syed... it's a lot to take in. I can't say I understand what it's like to be gay and Muslim-'

'I'm not gay.' Syed hissed.

'What?' Christian was now thoroughly confused. 'But you just ...' He gestured, so frustrated he was at a complete loss for words.

'Well... what you do and what you are are two completely different things.'

'But Syed-' Christian had always laughed at the expression 'tearing your hair out' and dismissed it as hyperbole but he'd never felt closer to actually doing it than he had in this moment.

'I'm not gay.' Syed said stubbornly, still hugging himself like if he didn't he'd be carried away by the tempest raging in his mind. 'And if I was gay, Christian,-' Syed all but spat out his name 'I wouldn't be interested in you.'

Christian flinched slightly. The venom he heard in his voice was very unlike the Syed he was just beginning to know. He forced his face to become a steely mask, utterly devoid of any feeling. It was time for him to swallow his emotions.

'Well listen sunshine , I wouldn't be interested in you either.' Two could play that game. And, Christian realised, it was certainly a game, for there was no way Syed could say those things to him without putting on some sort of act where he felt free to do that. Christian, always one for experimentation, jumped in on it, at least this way, they could avoid discussing the real issues.

Syed glanced at him, a renewed glint of vitality in his eyes. He'd caught on to what Christian was doing. Christian thought he could see the tiniest trace of a smile playing on the corners of his lips, but he wasn't sure.

Syed continued his tirade as if Christian hadn't spoken, tears still glittering on his eyelashes but no tears escaping. Which Christian supposed, was progress. 'For one, you're annoying-'

'Yeah, bet I annoy you in the right sort of way!' Christian deadpanned.

'You're a gym addict-'

'Which means I can handle heavy loads-'

Oh there was definitely a not-quite smile on Syed's face.

'-Which means you spend far too much time in the gym. You're too clever for your own good...'

Christian laughed in disbelief. 'Which is a fault, how?'

'Means you come out with words nobody really understands.'

'Well, what about you Syed?'

'What about me?' Syed mumbled, light disappearing from his eyes. Was he actually scared of what Christian would say? But he couldn't really care what he thought of him, not deep enough for it to hurt anyway, Christian thought.

Swatting the nagging thought away like it was a bee, he regarded Syed.

'You're superficially charming-'

'What's wrong with that?' Syed was injured. Or doing a very good impression of someone who was. Was his self esteem that low? Even after all he had achieved? It wasn't even a proper insult! Christian almost felt like ending their juvenile game but what was it they said? The show must go on...

'You're in a love affair with your restaurant-'

'I just want it to be the best-'

'Which leads me on to my next point- you're an unyielding perfectionist who is atoning for a sin he never actually committed and you're so damn stubborn you refuse to admit you aren't happy and you won't let anyone in even when there's someone who lo- likes you wishing he- they could see who you really are.' He took a breath, refusing to meet Syed's eyes.

'You're stubborn, irritating, focused to the point of insanity and... you're amazing.' Christian wanted to hit himself. How the hell had that last bit slipped out? He could somehow sense that Syed was staring at him like he'd never seen him before.

'I wish-'

'What?' Christian lowered his head, feeling too vulnerable to even hate himself for acting like a shy, lovesick idiot.

'I wish I'd never met you.' Syed said this with an expression of pure sadness on his face.

Christian felt like someone had kicked him in the heart with steel capped leather boots. He knew Syed hadn't even meant it to hurt him, that was the awful thing about it.

Christian finally brought his face up to look at Syed, and made no attempt to mask his hurt. How could he when the tears he despised himself for were already gliding down his face? Christian saw Syed's eyes widen a little, as if he was shocked by what he saw. Christian made to turn away but he was stopped by a trembling, warm hand on his jaw.

For the second time that night, Christian distantly noted that Syed was kissing him.

His hands desperately grappled at Christian's shirt, he was kissing him as if he was a drowning man searching for some sort of salvation, he didn't even seem to care or notice that Christian was rigid and unresponsive. His fevent kissing moved to Christian's neck, his jaw. His hands roamed underneath Christian's shirt, feeling the expanse of Christian's body, tracing his stomach with an almost savage longing. He looked up at Christian, as if asking permission to move his hands where, really, they both wanted them to go. He froze. For an eternal moment they were frozen like actors waiting for their next cue, in a strange sort of tableau Christian was sure even the greats would shy away from painting due to its intensity.

Their faces both spelled out the sorry fact that what they wanted was a world away from what they actually had, Syed, chin tilted, wanting Christian to say yes and Christian wishing he could. In another world, another place, maybe... The air brimmed with an icy lust, a lust that knew it would be unfulfilled and was lamenting the fact. The world they lived in, the people they were wouldn't allow it to happen. Syed's hands dropped, leadenly as Christian moved away, standing up to put maximum distance between them.

Something in Christian suddenly and painfully snapped. Christian knew from Syed's expression that he hadn't meant his words maliciously, hadn't meant his kisses to frustrate and hurt. But they still hurt. Everything hurt. He couldn't stand this, every time he thought he was starting to uncover a layer of this beautiful, frustrating man, another layer appeared that ended up being tougher than the last one.

He found himself feeling mentally drained. He spoke quietly, just letting the words fall from his tongue and not even thinking about editing. He realised, with startling clarity, he wasn't going to get anywhere with Syed. Everytime he tried, he ended up falling even deeper than he had already. It was time to stop.

The next words came out in a garbled rush. 'You know what Syed? I really can't deal with this. You have your baggage, I have mine. I've come to terms with mine, but you clearly haven't. I meant it when I said, I like you. I really, really do, despite not knowing why sometimes. You hurt me without even knowing how. I don't think I should stay here anymore. I'm going to find somewhere else to stay. You have my number, if you want to try this opening up thing again, and actually attempt to get somewhere – other than in my pants- give me a call.'

Christian rushed out of the room, leaving Syed feeling strangely bereft.

The stark truth hit Syed. They'd reached the point of no return.

Christian was leaving.