Letting your guard down
With the morning light came a sense of peace but also uncertainty for the pair, both now enjoying the way things had finally settled out for them yet also concerned about Cloud returning to his normal routine. No longer would the blonde be separated from the other cadets during sparring sessions or combat training, the excuse of his extended punishment having run out and leaving them with no other choice but to let him return to full duties. It was something neither of them could change and it had bothered the soldier greatly, his natural instinct now being to protect Cloud in every way that he could.
At first they hadn't spoken about it, both unwilling to make a point of the situation and possibly upset the other by saying the wrong thing. For Zack it was more about not making a fuss so that the cadet would get the wrong idea, about wanting to explain his concerns without giving the impression that he thought Cloud wouldn't be able to handle it. For the blonde however it was more about not hurting the soldier's feelings by seeming ungrateful, for wanting to explain that he knew he had friends now but that he didn't want to have to rely on them all the time.
As a result the morning routine of getting up, washed and dressed had been done in relative silence. The few words they had exchanged not being tense or uncomfortable, yet somehow lacking a confidence which both were able to pick up on. It wasn't until Zack had watched Cloud push his breakfast around the plate untouched for the hundredth time that he finally cracked, the things he was feeling spilling out from between this lips like water pouring forth from a fountain.
"I don't want you to go to your sparring classes today because I don't want you to get hurt. I know you can take care of yourself, hell you hit Sephiroth of all people and that's ... well that's pretty impressive ... although also suicidal in a way, but ... but you get what I mean ..." The soldier babbled on, the expression which had now formed on his handsome face clearly flustered as he spoke. "...and I don't think your weak or anything, no ... nothing like that. I mean you can do all that stuff, with me and Angeal, and you ... well you sorted them out in class ... sort of ... but ..."
"Zack, it's fine." Cloud cut in firmly, his sudden interruption causing the soldier's head to snap up from the table where it had been focused the whole time. "It's fine." The cadet repeated more gently, the flicker of uncertainty within those warm violet eyes which now looked at him making his insides knot slightly. "I know what you're trying to say and I get it. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous about going back too, but it'll be alright. Angeal wouldn't be letting it happen if he wasn't confident that things would be ok and ... and I'm trusting him to know what's best for me ... for us."
"You're not mad at me for ... you know ... being over protective?" Zack mumbled hesitantly, the blonde's answering having caught him a little by surprise. "I mean, I'm not complaining or anything." He added quickly, as Cloud's angelic features scowled faintly at him. "But I honestly thought you'd kick my butt for it."
"If what you're feeling right now is anything like what I was going through yesterday then I understand." The cadet began evenly, his mildly annoyed expression gradually softening as he spoke. "I spent all day trying to keep busy so I wouldn't think about what was happening to you, not wanting to let myself worry about things I had no control over." Cloud sighed, his whole body seeming to fold in on itself a little as if saying the words was also taking something from him. "I hated not knowing where you were and what you were doing, even though I knew that as a soldier you could handle yourself. It ... it nearly drove me crazy because I wasn't there to help you in case something went wrong."
"Sounds like you've got it as bad as me then." Zack noted tenderly, his gentle tone drawing the cadet's lost blue eyes back round to him again.
"I've never ... cared ... about anyone like this before, except my mother. But that's different." The blonde continued, his deep and thoughtful gaze drifting away from the soldier's and now appearing to be looking within himself rather than at the world around him. "If I lose you then ... then I don't know. It's something I can't think about without feelings sick and ... and like something's ripping my insides to pieces."
"Spiky it's ..." Zack began before he was cut off sharply, the anguished note in Cloud's voice silencing him instantly.
"Please Zack, let me finish."
Silence followed for a moment as sky blue eyes flashed up and the storm within them was seen, the slight tension easing almost at once as the blonde repeated just one word again.
"Please?"
"Alright." Was all the soldier could manage, his racing heart making it almost impossible to say more and still maintain the calm composure he was trying to show.
To this Cloud only nodded in acceptance and then looked away again, his attempt to avoid eye contact and reveal his fluctuating emotions failing miserably even as he tried to bring them all under control before he carried on. But Zack knew not to say anything in that moment, understood that he had given his word that he would wait until the cadet was ready to explain before asking any questions.
"It's ok because I ... I want to feel this, to feel that ... pain ... when I think of you hurt. It ... it means I can care about something or someone after all, that I can ... love ... someone. And I mean really love them." Cloud began, his dark sapphire spheres staring ahead as if focused on something that Zack couldn't see and would never be able to. "If it feels like my hearts being carved out of my chest when I imagine a life without you then that means I have a heart to begin with. It means I'm not empty inside anymore, that the things ... the things they did haven't broken me completely." The cadet tried to explain, his words wavering and becoming softer as he began to fall further into his own thoughts. "I'm going to work even harder from now on, give it everything I have, and make it into soldier ... for you. I'll train to become stronger for the both of us, so that I can protect you in the same way that you want to protect me, and make sure that neither of us have to feel that way in the future. I'll do it so that ... so that I won't ever have to face a day when you won't be there."
"Spiky I ..." Zack began again, his voice faltering almost at once as he found himself unsure what to say.
"I'm sorry; I didn't mean to ... to make you feel bad." The blonde sighed wearily, his azure eyes finally coming back round to meet the soldier's concerned gaze. "I just wanted you to know that when I say I understand how you feel that I really do and ... and that I'm not angry at you for it."
It wasn't often that Zack found himself at a loss for words; at least it hadn't been before Cloud had become such an important part of his life. A fact which he knew Angeal would vouch for if anybody asked him too. Yet, now, as he heard those heart-felt and almost heartbroken thoughts being spoken he found himself speechless. Never had he imagined a time in his life when he would be left so moved by such a confession of feelings and determination in another's pledge to him, his own mind quickly becoming lost to a whirlwind of mixed emotions as he struggled to find the right thing to say.
It was perhaps as his thoughts focused more on the commander's possible reaction to the moment that the soldier found he had something to say, the mental image of Angeal's amused expression of realising that his prayers had been answered making Zack smile as well.
"You know Angeal used to say that only divine intervention would help him find a way to shut me up."
"..."
The soldier couldn't help but chuckle softly as he saw the utterly confused and bewildered expression on the blonde's face, those beautiful pools of blue now filled with an expression which practically screamed 'What the fuck?" even though the cadet himself had said very little.
"Yea, I guess that was a bit random."
"A bit." Cloud mumbled uncertainly, his intense gaze now searching the soldier for answers to questions he didn't even know how to beginning asking.
"Basically, when I was a cadet like you I was a bit ... uuuummmm ... talkative."
A set of pale golden eyebrows went up at this and the look the blonde gave was clearly an amused sceptical one.
"What? You don't think I was a chatty cadet?"
"It was the 'bit' part that I didn't believe."
"Smart arse." Zack growled playfully, his bright amethyst eyes sparkling with repressed laughter.
To the soldier's delight Cloud chuckled openly then, the young cadet's fair checks slowly warming with a pink glow as he lent back in his chair and let out a soft sigh. The more relaxed posture Cloud now held being the first sign that he was truly feeling clam and less anxious since they had awoke that morning.
"Anyway..." Zack began, his explanation pausing only briefly to give the blonde a friendly challenging glare before he continued. "He used to say that it would take a miracle to get me to be quiet for even a minute."
"And how exactly does this relate to what we were talking about?" The blonde asked, again raising his eyebrows in a questioning way.
"I guess it doesn't really, other than you left me at a loss for words just now. Something which I'm sure he'd just love to know about."
Again a short silence descended upon them, the pair glancing briefly at each other and then away several times as if they were both now unsure what to say. For the soldier it was once again back to feeling that he might say the wrong thing, something within him fluttering nervously at the idea of taking the conversation back to where it had been before and ruining the more cheerful atmosphere which had settled around them. Yet for the cadet it was not so much about what he wanted to say, but how he was going to say it. The thoughts which kept swirling through his head like a whirlwind already telling him exactly what he had to do, but just not how to do it.
"Zack I ..." Cloud began, the faint smile on his pale pink lips twitching slightly as he tried to keep it in place. "It's alright if you don't know what to say, about what I said. I guess my little ... speech ... was a bit ... uuuummmm ... heavy, so I understand."
"Hey," The soldier cooed tenderly, his arms already reaching across the table to take the blonde's smaller ones within their protective grasp. "I don't care how deep or emotional things get between us, or how 'heavy' the things you say to me are." He quickly reassured the cadet, the flash of relief he saw pass though the nervous and hopeful blue orbs in front of him reminding him just how much being this open still affected Cloud. "I want you to be honest with me about this kind of stuff, remember?"
"Yea, I remember." The cadet replied gently, the curve of his soft lips increasing a little more as the things he needed to hear were spoken.
"So here's the deal." Zack started to say, as he rose from his chair and began to clear away the blonde's uneaten breakfast which had now gone cold. "I'm going to try not to worry about you so much, because you're already a tough nut, and learn to stop panicking every time I don't have you in my sight if ..." He paused here, not only waiting for Cloud's full attention but also to create the perfect dramatic effect for his words. "...if you stop worrying about me as well."
"It's kind of hard not to." Cloud argued as peacefully as he could, the explanation drawing a delightful blush back to his fair cheeks again. "Like I told you just now, I've never had someone else to worry about like this before. Or did you miss that part?"
"Nope. Got it loud and clear Spiky." A meaningful pause, a gentle breath, a loving smile, a need to be understood shining in warm violet eyes. "It's like you said I'm tough and mako enhanced to boot, it makes me harder to hurt."
"But not impossible." The cadet whispered almost painfully quiet, his sky blue eyes having turned away again almost as if he were afraid that the reminder of that day would somehow anger or upset the soldier.
"I said it makes it harder, not impossible." Zack replied calmly, his heart clenching as he realised the error in not remembering that significant day in their lives.
"You were distracted that day, weren't you?"
A low groan of frustration was heard before the soldier spoke again, his actions of clearing away the bits left out in the kitchen coming to a halt as he turned his full attention back to the blonde who had yet to move from the table.
"You're right, I was distracted. And yes, before you start, it was by thoughts of you."
The words had barely left his mouth before Zack mentally swore, the remaining smile on Cloud's face instantly wilting under the harshness of the truth and beginning to fade like a dying flower.
"I wasn't focused on my job because I was worried about how much I'd hurt you, about what I could do to make things right between us." The soldier hurried to explain, his feet already carrying him back round the breakfast bar to stand beside the blonde's hunched over figure. "If I'd been paying attention it wouldn't have happened." He stated firmly, his body quickly kneeling on the floor so that once again they were at eye level as they spoke. "And I don't want you blaming yourself for that."
"But it's..."
"But nothing." Zack cut in firmly, already knowing where Cloud's thoughts had been going and hating to be right as he heard them escape the cadet's lips. "If you want to feel that pain and not have me worry about it, then you have to accept the same for me. You have to accept the fact that it was killing me inside to know I'd screwed up and hurt you, that I was aching inside because of what I'd thought I'd lost."
"But thinking about me nearly got you killed." The blonde replied, his voice wavering notably now and sounding as if it were close to tears. "I nearly got you killed."
"You also saved my life. Or had you forgotten that part." The soldier reminded him gently, his arms quickly moving of their own accord to hold the cadet's trembling form within a comforting embrace.
"But it wouldn't have happened if ... if I hadn't ..."
"Can we stop with the 'ifs' and 'buts' Spiky?" The soldier pleaded softly, his forehead now resting wearily against Cloud's temple so that the request came out as a soft breath which ghosted along the blonde's swan like throat. "I don't want to think about how things could have been different. If we do then my regrets are staked way up there above yours and it's not something I want to go through again."
"How can yours be worse?" Cloud asked softly, his supple frame now shaking faintly for a very different reason as the soldier's warm breaths continued to drift over the exposed skin of his throat and make the never endings there tingle in delight.
"If I hadn't kept my distance you wouldn't have done what you did." Zack began, his grip around the blonde's body tightening as he said the things he didn't want to say yet knew needed to be heard. "If I'd tried harder to get an explanation for your injuries or quietness, you might have talked about it. If I had opened up to you earlier on then maybe you would have felt like we were friends sooner. If I hadn't pushed you while you were recovering maybe we wouldn't have fought so much. And if I hadn't doubted you then you wouldn't have been hurt by Reno, which is what led to us not talking again in the first place."
"Oh..." The cadet breathed, the pleasurable sensations which had been forming within him now squashed flat by the weight of the soldier's words.
"So do you get it now?"
"Yes." Cloud confirmed faintly, his face slowly turning to look at Zack properly so that their eyes could meet before he continued. "But you do know that some of those 'ifs' belong to me as well, don't you?"
"It's something we're both guilty of and I'm not going to let it spoil the here and now, or get in the way of our future together." The soldier replied gently, the tender affection which was shining within his warm violet orbs trying to communicate how important it was to him for Cloud to do the same. "Ifs' and 'buts' don't change what has been, but they can help to shape what could be. I can't stop you from feeling the way you do about these things anymore than you can control me. But I will do everything in my power to make you see past them as we work towards something better."
"I can't lose you Zack, I just can't. I wouldn't survive it."
"I'm not going anywhere." The soldier quickly reassured, his voice remaining a soothing and calming tone even as his own heart rate seemed to skyrocket.
"Do you promise?"
Zack swore softly against the blonde's ear unable to stop himself, Cloud's desperately spoken request being one he couldn't guarantee to keep however much he wanted too. There were just too many dangers with being who he was to make that kind of promise, no matter how carefully or genetically enhanced he was.
"I promise to try." The soldier offered, knowing in his heart that it wasn't what the cadet wanted to hear but that it would have to be enough.
"Then I'll just have to get into soldier quicker, so that I can be there to watch your back every time we're on a mission together." The blonde replied firmly, his resolve to make such a thing happen burning brightly in his sapphire eyes.
"In that case I'd better get used to letting you do what you need to, to make that happen." Zack responded affectionately, his own amethyst orbs glowing with relief and joy that Cloud had taken the situation so well.
For a few minutes neither spoke as they let their emotions be shown through their eyes, as once again each of them tried to tell the other what they were thinking and feeling without using words. For Cloud it was a moment of acceptance and understanding, the things he'd been struggling with now finding some peace as he realised that their fears had more in common than he'd previously thought. For Zack however it was relief and agreement, his loving gaze showing that he knew exactly what the cadet was going through and that this was something they were both going to have to learn to live with.
"Come on." The soldier began, after deciding that the silence had gone on long enough. "You're first class starts soon and we shouldn't be late."
"Thank you." The blonde whispered back, his lips briefly pressing against Zack's to offer up a chaste kiss before he pulled away.
In that moment the soldier knew they had reached an agreement and that it was not necessary to discuss it anymore, understanding that to do so would only risk dragging up more emotions and leave them both feeling vulnerable during the day ahead. It was not something he wanted for himself and certainly not something he wanted for Cloud, the cadet needing to be as secure in himself and them as a couple as possible if he was to face the other cadets in training again. It was therefore with some reluctance, but no protest, that Zack moved back and stood once again. The small distance he put between them also allowing Cloud to now rise from his chair and walk away to where his belongs waited by the door.
"Are you gonna be ok without breakfast this morning?" The soldier found himself asking, the question having left his mouth before his brain had even finished processing the thought.
"I'll be fine." The blonde replied with a gentle smile. His attentions mainly focused on checking that he had all the things he would need needing that day, including his completed assignments, and not on the man who now stood happily just a short distance away watching him. "If you're not too busy later, maybe we could meet for lunch."
"I'd like that." Zack agreed while smiling brightly.
"Want to walk me to class?" Cloud enquired hopefully, his carefully controlled voice and expression failing to hide the pleasure such a thing would give him. "I mean, it's on your way anyway. Right?"
"Yea, it's on my way." The soldier chuckled happily, the grin which now adored his handsome features complimenting the bright sparkle in his lavender eyes wonderfully. "And even if it wasn't I'd happily take the detour for you Spiky." He added tenderly, the look he now gave being one of unquestionable devotion.
As predicted the cadet instantly blushed at the admission, a dusting of pale pink quickly decorating his angelic face as he quickly busied himself with one last check of the contents of his bag before doing it up. Then without any more heart-felt confession or sentimental speeches they gathered their belongings and left the apartment, the pair no longer feeling a need to talk and simply content to walk in a comfortable silence towards the cadet lecture hall. Neither considered it necessary to fill the air around them with words, each satisfied that the things they'd been trying to explain had not only been heard but also understood by the other.
For Cloud it was a new beginning to who he was and what they had become, a chance to start over with his training to be a soldier and prove himself to everyone. He wasn't going to be weak and hide behind his own defences anymore, his resolve to take the relationship they had formed and make it stronger helping him to find the strength and confidence he would need to be better than the other cadet's and not let them drag him down.
For Zack it was time to reflect on the things which the blonde had admitted too, on absorbing Cloud's confessions and accepting that the depths of those feelings were equal to his own. It was clear to see that their concerns were the same, that their fears of seeing the other hurt or losing them completely now drove them both forward in some way. But most of all it was a chance to see that the cadet was finally learning to accept the soldier's need to protect him and that thought made Zack smile brightly.