CHAPTER TWELVE: THE KISS PART 1

I laid in bed that night, after the close call with Grams, but I couldn't sleep. I kept replaying the horror over again, like sick movie going on and on in my head.

I started to get physically sick to my stomach as my thoughts shifted to the scene in the car between Natalie and I. I thought about how I had blatantly lied to her when she asked me why Grams had called me 'Gracie'.

I know you're probably asking yourself why I am just starting to care; After all, I'd been keeping my secret from Natalie for a little under a month now—Why start caring now?

All I can say is that this time, something's changed. I'd never actually lied to her before…Well, I'd lied through ambiguity; I'd lied through omission. But never outright—this was a new low.

I'd never actually told her why it was I 'rejected' her hug but I didn't make up some crackpot story either.

I didn't make up a stupid excuse for why I was coming out of the handicapped washroom, I just ignored the question and changed the subject.

I'd never explained why Fitz and Owen bullied me so bad; Instead, I let her assume whatever she wanted to.

But earlier this evening, in her car, I didn't just change the subject, I didn't leave it open ended, I didn't let her interpret the situation the way she wanted—I lied. I blatantly lied to her, period. I told her something that wasn't even a little bit true.

Now, hours later, as I toss and turn in my bed, trying to get to sleep, it's weighing down my conscience like a feather being tied to a rock and thrown into a raging, angry ocean.

After a few more minutes of restless turning, I decided I couldn't take it anymore—I had to get up and walk around or something, to blow off some steam before I went insane.

Pushing a large pile of comic books and an empty, old bag of chips on my nightstand aside, I rummaged around in the topmost drawer. I battled my way through coins, old little green army men and gum wrappers before I found what I was searching for. I clutched it tightly in my hand and made my way downstairs to look for the second puzzle piece.

As I got downstairs, I knew exactly where I was headed, making my way to the downstairs hallway bathroom. Flicking on the light, I closed the door behind me and immediately opened the first drawer I saw, quickly located what I was looking for—My mom was always leaving them around. Pulling what I needed out of the drawer, I held it in my other hand, closing my fist around it so tight, my knuckles turned white.

I turned my attention towards my reflection in the bathroom mirror, remembering how happy I was last time I was in here, checking myself out when Drew brought me the miracle binder. All the traces of that happy boy were gone at the moment—Now, the dim, florescent bathroom light coupled with the tired, guilty look in my eyes and my disheveled hair were proof of my restlessness and made me look like a ghost.

I took a deep breath, brought both my hands up and opened my palms revealing the contents of my hands—A striped blue and red lighter and one of my mom's plastic and metal hairclips.

My heart raced at the sight of the two familiar objects. I flicked the flame on the lighter and held it up close in front of my face. My heavy breaths made the flame dance, mesmerizing my eyes.

I was boiling over with restless energy, I had to get rid of it—This was the only way I knew how.

I tore my eyes away from the dancing flame long enough to drag my gaze to my other hand; I fingered the clip, moving it around in my palm, as though it was dancing along with the flame.

I closed my eyes tightly, clenching my jaw, a shallow breath escaping from my lungs.

"Adam!" Clare's voice echoed in my head, a distant memory. "You don't have to change who you are, everyone else does".

Well, that wasn't the issue anymore, was it? What was Clare's answer when you wanted to change yourself into something you were? What was Drew's brilliant solution for this dilemma? How would Eli cleverly talk me out my own biological make up? Where would my mother have me hide until I became the gender I was meant to be?

Clare.

Drew.

Eli.

Mom.

I thought of all the people who loved me—All the people who would be really upset if they knew I was thinking about hurting myself again.

My eyes snapped open. Sometime during my reverie, my grip on the lighter had loosened and the flame had extinguished.

"We've all got a sob story, Adam…" came another voice, drifting through my mind, different than the others. "It's how we deal with it that sets up apart from each other".

Natalie.

I thought about how her bright, green eyes were so earnest when she'd said this. I thought of how brave she was always being, determined to a fault not to feel sorry for herself.

That's when I knew, regardless of whether Natalie would accept me or not if she knew the truth about me, she would never, ever approve of what I'd done to myself in the past and was considering doing again now.

Hurting myself wasn't the answer, I finally realized for good. I resolved never to burn myself again…

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^later^^^^^^^^^^^^^

"Are you okay, Adam?" Natalie asked me. The bell signaling the end of English had just rung. Clare had rushed out for an emergency yearbook meeting but Natalie was standing by my desk, waiting for me to pack up my books.

"Yeah, I'm fine," I said, doing my best imitation of a chipper, 'fine' voice.

"You seemed really out of it the whole period," she said, studying my face.

"Just a little tired, that's all," I told her, avoiding her gaze. We were walking down the hallway in silence when I realized the time had come…

I had been thinking about it, planning, all morning but now that I was faced with the perfect opportunity, I decided it was best to just rip the bandage off. I was going to tell her today, after school.

"Do you want to grab some coffee or something with me at the Dot after school?" I asked quickly, before I could chicken out. Natalie looked at me, obviously taken aback.

"Yeah, sure," she said a little breathelessly, nodding, clutching her books tighter to her chest. "I'd like that".

"Okay," I declared, incredibly pleased with myself. "I'll meet you there?"

"Sounds good," she said, obviously amused by the broad grin on my face. We came to a fork in the hall. "I'm going this way," she added, gesturing towards the right.

"My class is that way," I said, pointing the opposite direction towards remedial gym.

"I'll see you at the Dot then," she said. I thought I saw her blush for a second but she turned her face away before I could tell for sure.

"Yeah, see you then," I said. Feeling bold, I took a step forward and gave her a hug.

"Freaks!" someone pretended to cough nearby. I didn't need to look to see who it was, that much is true. But sure enough, Natalie and I broke apart just in time to see Bianca strutting by with a smirk.

Ignoring it like I always did, I opened my mouth to say Bye to Natalie but she interrupted me.

"Hey Chia-Pet," she called after Bianca fiercely. "Why don't you just go to do your hair or something?"

Bianca spun around and glared daggers at Natalie, who was scowling right back. Just then a teacher walked by so neither of them could take it much farther.

"I'll see you after school, Adam," said Natalie, still staring defiantly at Bianca and with that, turned and started down the hallway to her class.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^later^^^^^^^^^^^

As after school loomed closer and closer, I couldn't help but begin to dread deciding to tell Natalie the truth. I mean, really what good would it do? Did she really need to know?

"I think it's a great idea," Clare declared, as her, Eli and I walked out of our afternoon math class. "It's about time you told her".

I looked at Eli, waiting for his two cents but he seemed unsure, or else, unwilling to give it.

"It's a tricky situation…" was all he said, his tone thoughtful.

"It'll be hard but you have to do it," Clare insisted. "If you want your relationship to progress any further, she has to know. You have to let her make that decision".

For moral support, they walked me as far as the street corner across from the Dot.

"You can do it," Clare assured me, giving me a encouraging smile.

"I've said it once, and I'll say it again," Eli told me, putting his hand on my shoulder. "You're one brave warrior. She'll accept you in time". Then he added as an afterthought, "And if she doesn't, then she's not worthy and there are plenty of other fish in the sea".

The thought made my heart sink. Interpreting the look on my face, Clare said, "Eli!" Shooting him a 'shut up' look and hitting him on the chest with the back of her hand.

"Thanks guys," I choked out, my throat seemed to be closing up. Clare and Eli waved goodbye to me as they began to make their way back toward Degrassi.

"Let us know how it goes," Clared called over her shoulder. I lifted my hand up but couldn't muster the energy to wave back. I turned back towards the Dot.

From where I was standing, I had a clear view of the inside thanks to the large glass windows. I could see Natalie, seated at a table in the middle. She looked very pretty in that light—It made her hair look brilliantly red and turned her skin a creamy color…

I felt sick…And not even because I was being sappy about the freaking lights…I couldn't do it. There was no way I could go through with it…I was chickening out. Nothing good could come of this.

Decidedly, I ducked into the alley next to the Dot and pulled out my cell to call Drew and ask him to pick me up.