Hi everyone.
Yea, I know, I've been gone a while again. Sorry.
Annoyingly I had 99% of this chapter written last weekend but then work blew up in my face and it's taken me this long to finish it and do the necessary proof reading and editing before posting. Saying that there are probably still some mistakes but if I don't upload it now it's going to be another week of waiting for all of you which I just can't allow. On the plus side it's a really really long chapter so hopefully I'll be forgiven.
I hope you like it and please review to let me know if you're still enjoying this story. Thanks.
Falling apart
For Angeal Wednesday had been more of a success than he'd hoped as it began to draw to an end, the small group of thirds having shown a lot of potential under Kunsel's command and thankfully not one of them screwing up by mishandling the equipment. In fact, everything had been going right for the group as they completed their tasks and now, as a result, they were not only on time for their intended arrival back to the base but actually ran the rather pleasing risk of returning early. As long as nothing interrupted their journey.
There was however one thing which had not been right that day, one thing that had bothered the commander greatly throughout it all, a small niggle which had begun that morning as an unsettled feeling in the pit of his stomach and grown to a deep rooted sensation of unease. Glancing to his side Angeal stole a fleeting look at the cause of his discomfort and tried not to sigh, the distant look on Zack's face now even more lost and troubled than it had been at the start of the day.
One look was all it took to know that something was still worrying his pup deeply, that Zack's mind was currently lost to them and wandering freely over other concerns now that the day's activities were done. The fact that the soldier had wordlessly chosen to sit up front beside him on the return trip also said more than words ever could, Zack usually being the first to find a seat in the back with the other men enjoying their company over the long distance and helping to boost morale amongst the new troops during these types of assignments. His youthful and energetic views on life making even the most serious of officers lighten up and join in with the fun and laughter he created.
He'd tried to deny it at first, tried to put it down to just a little love-sickness creeping in and his pup missing Cloud after three days apart. Yet, somehow, deep down inside, Angeal had known that something more serious was wrong for his pup to be acting this way. Zack had been fine for the past few days, although he freely admitted that he missed the blonde's company, as a friend and nothing more, and Angeal had been proud of the soldier for not letting his emotions interfere with his work. They had all know that this first week apart would be hard for both Cloud and Zack, especially after everything else that had happened over the past month, but to Angeal's pleasure Zack had handled the temporary separation well. Or, at least, he had been.
The early morning light had revealed more than just the waking world as they had all gathered for breakfast and to discuss the day's plans, Zack's vibrant personality somehow dimmed of its radiance as they prepared for the day ahead. Even then the commander had known in his gut that something was definitely wrong when his pup's bright eyes had held a tired and slightly lifeless look within them, the soft violet orbs lacking in their usual energetic glow as he'd poked his food around the plate and only been half aware of the people around him.
Thankfully the other soldier's had not noticed Zack's faked enthusiasm for the assigned activities, the raven haired soldier's carefully controlled façade of being happy and content only obvious to a select few, mainly himself and Kunsel, and for that Angeal was grateful.
The problem now was he just couldn't work out what had happened back home to change things, what possible turn of events could have occurred last night to make the young soldier suddenly so quiet and withdrawn into himself when his participation in the task wasn't really needed. They had already had two good days and Zack had enjoyed that training time out in the open and away from the confines of the base, had thrown himself into each activity with cheerful enthusiasm that made every man feel happy and carefree as they performed the duties assigned to them.
The commander already knew from years of experience that his pup's bright and bubbly personality grew with the freedom and positive energy that these missions could bring, his friendly nature always helping to motivate the new soldiers, a beneficial side effect being that it also helped to build a bridge between them and the higher ranking officers. Something which had indeed helped with Kunsel's re-evaluation. But today his puppy had been withdrawn from it all and only helped when needed or called for, the behaviour not being one of reluctance but more distraction, as if his thoughts were preoccupied with something else entirely. And this bothered Angeal greatly as he thought back over all the things they had done, how Zack had not once become a pain in the backside because he'd got over-excited and carried away with things. How the young man had not been himself.
No, the commander mused with a great deal of concern. Today the soldier had been eerily quiet, the fact he was now sitting like a statue and lost to his own thoughts only increasing Angeal's worry even more. Zack was never able to sit still, not even when the warning of President Shinra setting the Turks on him or the threat of Sephiroth's sword chopping off his manhood was used against him. Always at those times the soldier would continue to shift restlessly, his feet tapping against the floor or chair leg until someone glared or his fingers constantly beating out a rhythm on the table or the back of his own hands. And now as the commander looked down in hope at those sun-kissed limbs he felt his insides clench, the breath catching in his throat as he noted the passively still fingers clasped firmly together on Zack's lap.
Finally something snapped inside Angeal and his reservations about talking to the soldier crumbled, his heart clenching tightly in his chest as he finally broke the oppressive cloud of tensions and silence around his pup and spoke.
"Zack, are you alright?" The commander asked, his voice remaining low enough so that no one else would hear him.
"I'm fine Angeal." The soldier replied absently, almost automatically, as he continued to stare vacantly out of the vehicle window.
Within the commander there was a voice which wanted to argue the words, a part of him that wanted to grab Zack's shoulders and shake him until whatever thoughts were bothering him were cleared from his head. But Angeal knew that he couldn't do that right now, understood that whatever was distracting his pup this much was indeed something to do with Cloud and was not a discussion they could have here. So instead of pushing the issue he returned his own gaze to the road ahead, the questions he wanted to ask already forming a list in his head as the sight of the Junon base appeared on the horizon.
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Cloud looked around himself and sighed sadly, the weight of the very world seeming to burden his shoulders as he tried to focus on the task at hand. The day had not gone smoothly as he'd hoped, the morning classes dragging on forever to leave him feeling both bored and frustrated. Lunchtime had not been much better as he had tried to avoid the other cadet's, his need to complete an assignment, which was due soon, at least giving him an excuse to keep away from them. But then the afternoon training sessions had begun and the tedious hours crept by once more, the sounds of the others working through various techniques grating on the cadet's nerves like nails on a chalkboard as he forced himself to focus on his own performance and ignore the eyes which seemed to be burning a hole into his back.
By the time the instructor called it a day and dismissed them Cloud's head was a total mess, his hypersensitive state of awareness so wound up that he was practically twitching at every sound around him. No one had touched him through, at least not in a way they hadn't been instructed to, and the blonde knew that on some level they wouldn't hurt him here in front of such a large crowd. But deep down inside the cadet knew that his time was running out, could feel it in his bones that the others had begun to feel more confident in themselves again, and understood that it was his own weaknesses giving them the encouragement to do something.
Cursing softly Cloud quickly made his escape from the gym and hurried to get home, not waiting to see if Reno was around or not, and not trusting his current luck to hold out on him. It had been too long since they had tried to teach him a lesson, too long since he'd shown them up without any form of repercussion, and the instability of his mental state right now was making him appear an easy target. He just knew it. He'd opened up too much in the last few weeks, had allowed first Zack, then Angeal and now Reno to start being his safety net when he needed someone to turn to for help.
Now though it was clear that by reaching out to them he'd left himself vulnerable again, had allowed his carefully built walls to form holes and gaps where shared memories, thoughts and feelings had passed through and made his defences become weak. It was his own fault really, for letting himself soften like that. For opening up so much and allowing so many people to become a part of him and his life. Maybe if it had just been Zack and Angeal, or even just Zack, then he could have handled it. Maybe?
Cloud didn't want to regret letting his guard down to the soldier, in giving Zack his heart and trusting the other to keep it safe when he himself was falling apart. But with the soldier's absence came fresh pain and hurt, the fact he had broken so easily and let Reno in showing that his internal strength was not what it had been before. Gaia, how he whished he could go back in time, how he wanted to change the course of history so that these things had never happened. How, if only for a little while, he'd be safe inside himself again.
He needed his walls now to keep him protected, needed that dark part of him to give him strength. Oh, yes. He knew that there was something there deep within him, had told Zack about it and had them all point it out to him in their own unique way. But last night had been the first time he'd actually seen it for himself, seen what everyone else had seen and been afraid of, and by Gaia it scared him too. Yet, even through the fear he couldn't ignore what it had done for him, how it had made him strong in this place. This world was another form of hell for him and the 'primal' part of him that Reno had spoken about had kept him alive, he knew that now. It may not have been the smartest part of him, or the most human, but it had kept him alive. Hadn't it?
Memories of loneliness and dark whisperings filled Cloud's head as he hurried down the corridors, using only the back routes and staircases that were hidden from the normal route of traffic. Tonight he didn't want to see anyone, didn't want to speak to anyone, just needed to get away and hide where he knew he would be safe. He burst through the back door of the main building and out into the open air, throwing his school bag behind a dark overgrown bush so that it would not be found and ran for all he was worth. Tonight he would not train with the Turk, would not put himself in a position were the red head could teach him another lesson about himself or continue to befriend him.
Anger began to course through the blonde's veins like adrenaline as he travelled an old yet clearly well know route, the fuel it provided pushing him to run faster and faster as he followed a familiar path that would lead him towards the most furthest part of the compound's perimeter. He didn't want to be here now, not in this place, not with so much weight pressing down on him. The need to escape burned through to his very soul and made everything else begin to fall away. He couldn't breathe through the terror of everyone watching him, everyone waiting for their turn to hurt him, and the desire to escape was practically choking him as he sought some kind of freedom.
Hot tears burnt the cadet's storm filled blue eyes as he pushed himself to ignore all the good things his heart was fighting to tell him, each step becoming more painful as he put even more distance between himself and the buildings. Part of him didn't want to run, didn't even now why or where it was running to, and it cried out for him to stop and think. But Cloud couldn't do that because that brought a different kind of pain, one of failure and broken trust, one that knew his actions were born out of fear and weakness. He was too open right now, too vulnerable to think straight, to exposed to stand up against the things that hurt him. But most of all he was scared that he'd gone to far, that by running like this he might never be forgiven, and that Zack's love and trust in him was now forever damaged beyond repair.
With his heart smothering in torment and conflict the blonde remained unaware of the night approaching and the darkness moving in, his legs having carried him into a world were shadows lived and breathed with a life force of their own. He was mindless to rational thought as his own black voice whispered words like betrayal and coward in his mind, blotting out all other hope of light and understanding finding its way in. All Cloud knew in his panic induced crazed state was that he needed to get away and find a place to ground himself again, a place where he could rebuild his defences and become strong once more.
Everything Reno had said to him yesterday came swirling back up from the depths of his mind and from it all the blonde only drew out what hurt him the most, a self-destroying part of his subconscious only letting him see the bad and twisting the good so that it stung just as much. Soul-crushing memories of words they had shared spilled through his thoughts drowning out the last of his sanity, Reno's confession about Zack always being easy on him breaking him in a way that was indescribably. Demons within him whispered that the soldier had babied him, had mollycoddled him into thinking he was strong when really he wasn't, and had let him feel safe in this place when really he would never be all right. They almost gloated as they revealed to him that at least Reno had shown him the truth, that while he was able to fight he could still be beaten easily.
The bruises he had asked to keep seemed to flare up then, the deep seated ache they created being a physical reminder of the lesson he'd been taught. He wasn't better than the other cadets, just lucky, whatever the red head had said, and now they were after him again. No longer did the boys he'd hurt and embarrassed feel uncertain about taking their revenge, their eyes showing that no longer did they feel the need to hold back, because it wasn't actually Cloud they were afraid of but really his protectors.
Memories of facing an unrecognisable image of himself pushed to the forefront of Cloud's head and he gasped, nearly tripping over his own feet, as he remembered the reflection of eyes as dark as the oceans depths looking back at him. The cold fire within his sapphire orbs a sickening reminder of what was within him and what he had, and clearly still, needed to survive. Fear of that version of himself spurred him on in his bid to escape, to undo all that he had learnt and become since giving in and trying to take his own life. He didn't want to think about what his happiness had cost him, didn't want to consider how life might have been easier if he'd just continued the game as they wanted him to. He'd drawn attention to himself by spilling his own blood, had changed the rules but not had time to see them through to the end before the soldier had arrived to save him.
Pain and despair rode him relentlessly and the blonde couldn't help but whimper as his body finally gave out on him somewhere deep in the shadows. He fell forward and landed hard on the dried earth, the mud and dust lifting into the air as his supple frame hit the floor and slid along briefly before coming to a stop. But Cloud didn't stop there, couldn't stop there, his need to feel safe driving him forward, his limbs scrambling desperately to help him rise once more and keep moving. Yet, to the blonde's despair, his body would not allow it. Instead he fell back down onto trembling hands and knees, the weakening muscles only supporting him long enough for him to crawl amongst the dead undergrowth. His frail and exhausted form collapsing into a crumpled heap at the centre of the skeletal vegetation, his subconscious providing a small amount of comfort as it whispered that here he would be safe. Here, amongst the sharp thorns and brambles, no one would be able to reach him.
Curling into a ball Cloud began to cry letting all his pain and agony finally come to the surface, his fears and anguish finding release in bitter tears that streaked down his dirtied face and left clean trails on smudgy brown skin. All he wanted was to feel safe, to be surrounded by strong arms and feel the press of a warm body against his own as it held him tight. But he couldn't get that right now, couldn't go back to Zack's apartment, their apartment, and find that peace he needed. The only thing waiting for him there was more cold and loneliness, a constant reminder that the soldier was gone and that without him Cloud was nothing.
No one saw the blonde cadet curled up within the lifeless bushes that lined the perimeter fence, the patrolling guards hearing the faint sounds of heart-ache and mistaking them for the tormented cries of a wandering spirit, the mako enhanced men still weary of the strange ghost that was rumoured to haunt the area and letting their own fears keep them away. No one went near the shadowed path that led down into a darkness so black it made the bottomless of pits look friendly, their instincts being to stay away and remain in the light. And so Cloud lay wrapped within his own nightmares as the night moved in around him, his emotional walls shattered, his unstable world falling apart, the only thing to comfort him being the darkness within himself.
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Back at the soldier's apartment a Turk waited anxiously for the cadet's return, his chest feeling tight as a strong sense of unease coursed through his veins. Cloud had not met him as arranged outside the soldier's living complex after classes, had not even been home based on the stillness of the room he now found himself standing in, and that knowledge made Reno feel on edge. It was already drawing close to curfew and the blonde was nowhere to be found, the red head having looked in all the places he could think of before returning here one last time to check prior to raising the alarm with Tseng.
"Shit kid. Where are you?" The red head groaned in both frustration and worry again, his hands clenching into tight fists within his hair and pulling it firmly at the roots. "Zack's gonna kill me if you're hurt." He informed the empty room, knowing that the one he really needed to point this out to was nowhere to be found.
Already his frantic mind was trying to work out where else the cadet could be, his memories of trailing the blonde on Zack's behalf giving him a deep feeling of dread in the pit of his stomach.
"I hope to Gaia you haven't jumped the fence." He growled to the air, his threat being spoken harshly to the silence which surrounded him.
But just as quickly as the anger had come it dissolved into frustration and worry, the questions as to why Cloud might have a reason to do such a thing making his own heart ache painfully as it began to reach some rather uncomfortable conclusions. It was clear to see that he'd screwed up badly in this assignment, that he'd upset Cloud with his shity attempts at being a mentor, and worst of all had failed the blonde at being a friend. It was obvious enough that even a blind man would have been able to see how his efforts to teach the cadet something had gone horribly wrong and that, instead of helping Cloud, he'd pushed the blonde into breaking more.
Just as he was about to dial Tseng's number his phone rang, the unexpected sound cutting sharply through the silence and startling the red head back to reality.
"Shit." Reno swore as he fumbled to flip the device open and answer the call, his hands shaking as he lifted it to his ear and acknowledged the caller. "Hey Cissnei, please tell me you've got good news." He all but pleaded, the other Turk having helped take up the search about half an hour ago when he'd initially begun to panic and called for trusted, discreet, reinforcements.
"I don't know if it's relevant but I just overheard some patrolling soldier's talking about that ghost issue again." Cissnei began, her voice tight and sounding a little out of breath as if she had been and was still running somewhere. "I'm heading down to the spot they talked about to check it out." There was a pause, a notable intake of air as she seemed to build herself for the next part. "Reno … it was by the South East perimeter."
Reno felt something inside of him become cold and hardened as he absorbed the information, the knowledge he had of that area making his skin crawl just thinking about it. It was almost ironic really, that a Turk, who often worked in some decidedly uninviting places, would find discomfort somewhere near to their own home. But even Reno, who wasn't afraid of much, hated that area of the base. It was a cold, dark and desolate part of the ShinRa compound. A place where nothing existed now except the cold barren remains of what had once been a garden, a place where death held on to the decaying memory of life like shit stuck to your shoe.
"I'm on my way." The red head replied coldly snapping the phone shut as he hurried for the door, his mind easily understanding now why the brunet Turk had been rushing as well.
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Reno reached the area nearly twenty minutes after he'd ended the call, his own abilities having being pushed to the limit as he raced to join Cissnei in a place that both hated with a passion. Neither liked to come here when set the task of checking for security breaches, always finding a way to come with a partner or each other, though they couldn't explain why. With time they had come to accept that the emptiness of it was what troubled them most, the proof of failure and loss in the world all around them as they walked through the evidence of what had once been trees, bushes and flowering blooms.
ShinRa had let it all go once it became clear that such a place wasn't needed, that it was a frivolous expense that only benefited the army who couldn't possibly appreciate it anyway. Funding to maintain it had been cut, the plants left to wither and die, the area allowed to become overgrown and dangerous to any who ventured here. It made for the perfect additional defences for the perimeter, the sharp dried thorns and skeleton-like prickly bushes easily slicing through human flesh as if needing the blood that was spilt to rehydrate them and quench their thirst for life once more.
"Cissnei?" Reno called softly, not wanting to raise his voice too loudly within the man-made graveyard.
"Over here." An equally faint reply could be heard saying, the tone one of concern and barely heard nervousness.
It took the red head a minute to find the other Turk and when he did he felt his breath catch a little, the sight of the young women standing at the boarders of the overgrown and dead wilderness making his chest feel tight as he saw his own fears reflected in her eyes.
"I heard him." Cissnei whispered sadly, her hazel eyes blinking quickly to rid the chocolate coloured orbs of the gloss of tears that had formed there. "I … I think he's hurt." She added hesitantly, his voice breaking slightly as she turned to look back towards where the sound must have come from.
It was in that moment that Reno realised he wasn't the only one to have been affected by Cloud's plight, the women beside him knowing even less of the blonde's troubles than he did yet clearly able to feel the pain the cadet was going through.
"When this is over you'll tell me everything." Cissnei told him without looking back, her voice cool calm and unconditional as it quietly informed him what would happen.
"They're not my memories to talk about, not my nightmares to share."
"Bullshit!" The brunette snapped harshly, her light-brown eyes having darkened to the shade of dark clay as she spun round to face him. "I know what I heard and he's broken, broken in a way that a boy his age shouldn't be."
"Cissnei I …" The red head tried to argue, his own concerns about Cloud having quadrupled at her words and leaving him unable to think rationally in the face of her demands.
"Don't give me excuses." She stated firmly, the even tone she used making it clear how and why she was such an efficient Turk. "I've seen for myself that he's got problems but that … what I just heard … that's wrong, wrong in a way I can't even being to describe."
Reno sighed softly knowing it was pointless to argue with her, that even if Cissnei wasn't one of his closest friends he would have a hard time keeping things from her. It was also clear to see that he wasn't the only one being affected by Cloud's current state, that whatever had happened to the blonde was now affecting them both greatly, and he couldn't help but find some odd sense of dry humour in the fact that both of them had let their emotions get in the way of their strict training and rational thoughts.
"I'll tell you what I can." Reno promised, his voice remaining gentle as he offered what he could. "The rest is up to him, when he's ready for you to know."
"Then let's find him." Cissnei replied, her words being sharp and clipped as if she were holding all of her emotions firmly in place so that they wouldn't break free for all to see.
The red head didn't respond with words, only nodded once in agreement and then began to move forward, his mind already drawing upon the things he knew of Cissnei's past and understanding why she would also need to know exactly what the cadet had gone though. After all, he and Cloud weren't the only ones to have secrets in this place and demons that still haunted their dreams.
"I guess we're all a little fucked up." He breathed to the cold night air, his insides having abandoned their twisting gut-wrenching turmoil in favour of a heavy cold nothingness instead.
"Aren't we just." The women beside him agreed distantly, her blunt retort letting Reno know that although the words had been for himself they had not gone unheard by another.
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Zack had been even quieter as they had served up dinner, the soldier having chosen to take his meal to his room rather than eat it in the company of others. He'd stayed for the de-briefing and to pass on words of praise and encouragement to both Kunsel and the other soldier under review before retiring for the night, his sombre mood as he left not being missed by his old mentor or his good friend.
"Leave him be." Angeal spoke quietly to the soldier beside him, who had started to follow Zack's departure, his own deep rooted instincts to follow his pup pulling at every fibre of his being.
"Sir?" Kunsel enquired cautiously, his tone revealing his uncertainty about where they actually stood on formalities in this particularly moment in time.
"I believe he needs some time alone." The commander explained soothingly, his chocolate brown eyes warming to show that they were now having a discussion as Zack's friends and extended family and not as officers.
"He's been off all day." Kunsel ventured carefully, unsure how Angeal would take the news.
"I know." The other replied simply.
For a few minutes both men remained seated and poked at their own food in discomfort, neither sure how to continue the conversation yet both needing to say something. Eventually it was the soldier who made the first move, the one who was brave enough to voice the concerns which each of them was silently harbouring.
"Has something happened to Cloud?"
"I'm not sure, but … it would make sense considering." Angeal replied, the justifications for this belief not needing a voice to be heard.
"Not wishing to seen rude sir …" Kunsel began, knowing that it was best to use a little sign of rank and respect now, especially with what he was about to say. "…but wouldn't it be a good idea to check in with Tseng. Just in case."
"Indeed it would."
And with that Angeal excused himself from the group as a whole, not giving a reason for his departure or acknowledging the soldier he'd been speaking to in any special way. Instead he simply made his way from the room and headed towards his own sleeping quarters, his phone already in hand and dialling as he closed the door behind him and shut the rest of the world out.
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It had taken longer than it should have to find Cloud, their heightened sense barley picking up the cadet's presence amongst the undergrowth as they had passed him by. Neither Turk had noticed the dirty blonde hair which should have stood out like a beacon in the night, nor the pale muddy skin which was laid out before them and only partially hidden within the tangled bushes where Cloud had concealed himself. What had drawn their attention was the soft whimper that was carried with the wind, the sound travelling like a stray leaf drifting on a gentle breeze and easily guiding them towards his fallen form.
A crumbled blue uniform had been the first sign of his location, the splash of colour in an otherwise dismal expanse acting like a bulls-eye on a target as it called to them. Then they had seen what had been missed before, hints of moonlit gold and pearl amongst the dirt bringing relief but also further concern as they searched for a way to reach him. In the end Reno gave up trying to find a way to approach the fallen cadet and instead calmly called out to him, the seemingly unmoving figure, and now distinct metallic smell of blood upon it, making him unwilling to wait any longer in silence.
"Cloud, hey Cloud, its Reno. You ok kid?"
Beside him Cissnei held her breath and felt her heart pound out the seconds as they waited for an answer, each strong beat of the muscle brushing something inside her that ached to reach out and grab the blonde, to pull him close, and hold him within a tight comforting embrace.
"Cloud, its me … Cissnei." She added after nearly a minute of silence. "I … I'm worried about you. I …"
But here her words fell flat as she became unsure what to say, as the weight of such responsibilities suddenly settled on her shoulders and she realised that she didn't have a clue how to start comforting the cadet curled up in front of her just out of reach.
"Cissnei?" A soft, almost unheard, voice questioned. The sounding barley audible yet releasing a wave of relief to flood through both the red head and brunette.
"Yes Cloud. It's me, Cissnei." She replied quickly, gently, desperately trying to keep her voice from cracking and letting the emotions she felt be heard to strongly. "Are you alright?"
"I … I don't … know." The cadet mumbled uncertainly, his body finally shifting amongst the dead foliage and showing signs of life to support the nearly unheard words.
"Can you move?" She asked nervously, her need to reach him quickly becoming a stifling suffocating thing that was choking her.
"Don't know." Cloud breathed faintly, distantly, and far to detached from reality for either of their likings.
"Cloud, its Reno." The red head cut in before Cissnei could speak again. "I can't see an easy way to you from this side, but it if you hold still I'll find one somewhere else. Ok?" He explained calmly and soothingly, knowing that it was best to give the cadet fair warning about his intentions before actually approaching.
"No way in." The blonde sighed absently, almost as if it were a fact they should have been aware of. "Not safe if people can get to me." He explained, the reasoning coming out so cold and mechanically that its tone chilled their souls almost as much as the words did.
"Cloud, honey, did someone hurt you?" Cissnei found herself asking without thought, her voice aiming for soft and her choice of wording hoping to come across as gentle and caring.
The blonde however only chuckled dryly in response and curled up upon himself even more, a very tired and bone-weary breath leaving his body before he spoke again.
"Honey is sweet. I'm not sweet, so I'm not honey."
"Cloud …" Reno began, his gut becoming knotted as the cadet released a bitter-amused sound that quickly fell to a whimper as he started to speak again.
"Lemon or lime, that's what I am. Lemon or lime."
"Why Cloud? Why are you a lemon or lime?" The red head asked, the voice in his head screaming that it was a bad idea to question the confused blonde like this. The logical part of his mind still trying to find a way through the perfectly formed defences which now surrounding Cloud and kept him safe.
"Sharp. Bitter. Not liked. Not wanted." The blonde reasoned sadly.
"I like lemons." Cissnei interrupted, unable to take the cadet's calm acceptance of such a thing so easily.
"You do?"
Gaia, how that hurt. The both of them glancing at each other in pained uncertainty before answering him.
"Sure we do." Reno agreed, a flash of inspiration making his next breath catch slightly. "Can't have lemonade without lemons."
For a moment no one spoke and the blonde remained eerily quiet, his earlier movements having stilled to nothing as he seemed to draw within himself and analyse what had been said. Finally a head of tangled dirty blonde hair moved back and allowed the smudged and tear stained face which had been hidden to be seen, the pain confusion and hurt in those glorious pools of liquid sapphire making it hard for either Turk to think straight past their own rising heart-ache.
"You need sugar for lemonade." Cloud informed them clumsily, the ocean blue depths swimming in and out of focus as if he were drowning in his own thoughts. "No sugar, no sweetness. Just a bad taste and disappointment."
It was at this point that both Reno and Cissnei got to see the reasons for why each of them had been able to identify the scent of blood in the air, the smeared crimson lines across Cloud's left cheek and forehead showing several nasty scratches on his angelic face. They also saw the slightly deeper lacerations on his exposed forearms, the pale expanse of visible flesh between leather gloves and blue uniform now marred by multiple dark lines of red. It was something that made the red head's breathing hitch and his heart skip in its beats, the thought of Cloud being harmed by the other cadet's, or worse yet, having harmed himself, making a dizzying sense of panic consume Reno like none other that he'd felt before.
"Cloud you need to listen to me and I mean really listen." The red head began, his voice creaking slightly as an image of him explaining all this to Zack flashed up in his head and guilt flooded his system. "You're not a lemon, you're not, and even if you were it would be ok cause Zack's your sugar. You hear me?"
There was no reply other than a slow blink of delicate eyelashes, a brief show of life and confirmation of a little more focused attention to what the young Turk was saying.
"Zack and you together is lemonade."
"Zack is … sugar." Cloud repeated thoughtfully, the irrational fog within his head still making his thoughts disjointed and prone to misdirection as he turned watery sapphire eyes away from them both. "Then, without Zack, I'm … nothing."
"No Cloud, that's not true. You're still something special … someone special." Cissnei called out, biting her tongue at the slip of referring to him as an object rather than a person. "And Zack needs you just as much as you need him."
"No, I hurt him." The cadet informed her solemnly, his words being so pained and broken that it cut deep into the female Turk's heart as she heard them. "I'm still hurting him. He just doesn't know it yet."
"How are you hurting him?" The brunette questioned sharply, her need to protect Zack now coming above her need to make sure the blonde was alright.
"I ran away. I … I panicked and ran." Cloud stammered before he sniffled back the new tears which were threatening to fall. "I promised him I'd be strong while he was away but I … I can't … I can't be alone. I don't want to be alone." He burbled as the floodgates opened and streams of water trailed down over his face once again leaving fresh silvery tracks along the muddied skin. "I don't want to be alone Reno." The blonde suddenly declared in a distressed tone, his limbs instantly going into a frantic motion as he started to panic and attempted to free himself from the previously protective confines of the bushes which surrounded him. "Reno! Help me Reno! Help me!" He cried out almost hysterically, as the twisted branches made escape impossible and the long sharp thorns began to cut into him once more as if unwilling to let him free from their grasp.
Reno didn't hesitate to move then, tearing through the physical walls the blonde had been able to surround himself with, his own flesh quickly being shredded by the naturally formed talons that ensnared the cadet's writhing form. He pushed past his own pain to get to Cloud, hissed at the sting as more cuts appeared along his exposed skin and cursed as his suit jacket was repeatedly caught and ripped in his struggle. He ignored the wash of scarlet that flowed from his own injuries as he broke through the last of the plants twisted and unrelenting limbs and grasped the blonde's equally damaged arms, the dark ruby coloured liquid ribbons which wound around their damaged flesh binding them together in a mixture of blood, sweat and tears.
"I've got you. It's ok. I've got you." The red head repeated firmly, his voice trying to sooth and comfort the cadet who now clung to him as if his very life depended on it.
"Reno … Reno … Reno." Cloud sobbed desperately against his chest, the young Turk's name having become the only word his shattered mind could manage to comprehend as they held each other tightly.
"It's ok, I'm here, I'm here." Reno tried to reassure as he gently rocked them both in a way that was meant to calm an upset child, the instinct to do so coming to him almost naturally as he pulled the cadet's trembling body closer against his own and added soft murmuring sounds between his quietly spoken words of support. "I'm here and I'm not letting go. I promise. You're coming home with me tonight, ok? I won't leave you alone. I won't. I promise." The red head swore, his voice shaking notably as all the emotions he'd been trying to keep bottled up finally came pouring out.
A few feet away Cissnei watched with a façade of apparent calm indifference, her own partially scratched hands being the only evidence that she had also started to act without thought upon hearing Cloud's distress. Yet, if anyone had passed by and looked closely they would have seen so much more. Within her hazel eyes there were shadows of past events best left forgotten, of memories that involved not only her own suffering but the pain felt by those she held dear to her heart, and a gloss of tears for the innocence that had clearly been taken from another person she now cared for.
She said nothing as she waited for Reno's assurances to work their magic and help Cloud find some peace, the red head's voice continuing to whisper softly until the blonde's muffled weeping evened out into ragged breathes and broken sniffles. Only then did she remind them both of her presence by coughing lightly, the sounding drawing Reno's attention first so that sea-green eyes looked up at her to show the red head was also having trouble dealing with all the emotional baggage this incident had raised in all of them.
"I can go and get some of his things from Zack's apartment and met you back at yours." She offered calmly, a head of fiery red hair bobbing once in silent agreement before she turned and made her way back towards the main compound.
With a destination already set in mind Cissnei didn't need to think about where she was going, her detailed knowledge of the base allowing her to walk wherever she needed to go on a strange sort of autopilot. This however left her thoughts to wander uninterrupted and she quickly found questions rushing through her head quicker than she could process them. What had happened to Cloud to make him like this? Why had the blonde broken so badly in such a short space of time? Hadn't Reno reported that the evaluation had gone well? Wasn't Cloud on a lower dosage of medication now because he was getting better?
None of it made sense, none of it. The hurt and frightened boy she had seen curled up in the red head's arms making her realise there was a whole lot more to the cadet's story than either Zack or Reno had previously let on.
Hurt. That's right. Cloud had been hurt. And so had Reno.
Cissnei's sure steps faltered as the image of their bloodied bodies wrapped tightly around each other filled her head and she quickly took a slight detour from her previous path. Both men … no … both Turk and cadet had been wounded and their injuries would require cleaning and dressing to prevent infection. Or better yet, healing materia would be best. The chances of getting hold of that at this point though were slim to none and so the brunette settled for what she could get her hands on for now. Her own smaller cuts stinging slightly as her fists remained clenched tightly at her sides and she made her way into the medical building, the supplies she would soon need being easily found within its pristine sterilised walls.
XXXXXXXXXXXX
Zack hadn't even touched his dinner after returning to his room, the food laden plate still bearing it's now cold and congealed offering to those who wanted it should they feel the need for sustenance. Instead he'd tried to phone Reno again to get an update on Cloud and been frustrated to find the line already in use, the unrelenting feeling of worry coursing within him making it hard to focus on anything else.
He'd given it some time before trying again, mentally berating himself for fussing like he was, sternly reminding himself the red head had everything under control. But still that niggling feeling was there that all was not right, that something was wrong with his little Chocobo, and the more trouble he had getting through to Reno the worse that feeling got.
Never before had the red head's phone been this busy each time he'd tried to call it, the two times he'd managed to make a connection and it had gone unanswered being even worse on his already strained nerves. Questions poured through his mind as he tried to come up with logical explanations for why Reno would be so busy, why his calls would be ignored, and almost unconsciously the soldier found himself praying that nothing bad had happened to either the blonde or the red head.
With phone in hand and thumb hovering above the redial button Zack was about to make his eighth call to the Turk, a silent plea going out to whichever deity would listen that this time the phone would be answered. He never got the chance to make that call however as a few short sharp knocks at the door to his quarters interrupted the process and announced another's more immediate presence.
"Hang on a sec." The soldier called, a small irritated huff escaping him as he looked longingly at the phone once more before flipping it closed.
A few seconds later and he opened the door to reveal a sight which he was rarely exposed to, the sight of Angeal looking tired and unsettled instantly pushing his other concerns to side. If only for a moment.
"Angeal. What's wrong?" Zack gasped, his feet already shuffling back and out of the doorway so that the other man could enter.
The commander waited until the door was closed behind him before speaking, knowing that such a personal matter should not be aired to the general population of the base. It also gave him a few more precious seconds to mentally flip through what he had learnt from talking to Tseng and what he was actually comfortable sharing with his pup at this moment in time.
"Angeal?" The soldier questioned uncertainly, the extended silence between them having gone on long enough to start becoming uncomfortable.
"Perhaps you should sit down."
The suggestion did nothing to help calm Zack's nerves, his amethyst eyes instantly flashing with wisps of green as his barely concealed fears rose to the surface. It wasn't just his old mentor's words that scared him but the way they had been spoken, the tone implying that the news he brought with his visit would not be pleasant for Zack to hear.
"Please pup, sit." The commander insisted gently, the words being almost like an order rather than a suggestion as they were spoken.
Normally the soldier would have joked about the use of such wording, would have laughed at the comparison of his nick-name and being ordered to sit just like a dog. But right now there was no humour in it, the situation being too tense and awkward for both of them to make such a light-hearted moment possible. And so Zack sat without making another sound, his lips remaining sealed while his violet eyes asked all the questions his voice could not.
"I … I couldn't help but notice your distraction today." Angeal began, knowing it was the best place to start even if it did sound like a dressing down. "But I'm not here to pull you up on it. Your performance was unquestionable and without fault, so don't feel that I'm here to lecture you about it." He added quickly, the flicker of self-berating he saw within lavender orbs making his heart clench in his chest.
"Then why?" Zack dared to ask, his face tipping down towards the floor as he found himself unable to meet such serious and concerned brown eyes anymore.
"I was worried about you pup, about how quiet you were. It's not something that I'm used to, or … that I've seen in a long time."
"I'm sorry. I've had things on my mind." The soldier offered weakly, a cold tendril worming its way though his gut as the commander's words began to bring up memories of the past that he wasn't able to deal with right now.
"I know. I've spoken to Tseng." Angeal informed him apologetically, the comfort his voice now offered breaking what little control Zack still had over his emotions and indirectly giving the gathering tears within violet orbs an excuse to break free.
"Shit. I should have better control than this. I'm on a mission for fucks sake." Zack spat angrily, the overwhelming feelings that now swamped him making him forget that Angeal didn't approve of such language.
"It's alright to be concerned, to show that you care and are worried." The commander tried to reassure him, the words seeming to fall on partially deaf ears as Zack quickly shook his head in disagreement.
"I'm here and that's where my head should be, not thinking about things I have no control over."
"I take it you didn't know about the doctor's appointment either." Angeal guessed, the question really being unnecessary considering the circumstances.
Zack snorted in a bitter sort of amusement and nodded his head in confirmation, a sword calloused hand quickly wiping away the evidence of his tears as he drew a steadying breath to bring himself back under control again.
"According to Reno Cloud felt it was best not to worry either of us about it. Apparently he didn't want to add to our, or more specifically my, burdens about being away." Zack managed relatively calmly, though his voice was tight as he spoke. "By the sound of it the session brought up a lot of stuff he's having trouble processing."
"That was the impression I got as well." Angeal agreed evenly, his larger form now settling on the bed beside the soldier and drawing the younger man in against him in a fatherly embrace.
Zack took what was being offered and let himself fall back into that time again, let his mind and body slip to a place where having his mentors strong arm curled around his shoulders would provide feelings of warmth, strength and comfort when it was needed. He let his head of spiky raven black locks fall against the top of a well defined chest and curled his own muscular frame a little more into the embrace that had formed between them. The years having passed so that times like these had become fewer and far between, but the special bond they shared as ex-mentor and pupil never once letting the potential for them to happen be gone completely.
"What do I do Angeal? I don't know what to do?"
For a moment the commander wasn't sure what to say, his normally calm and rational thoughts still reeling from what the head Turk had revealed and the discover that Zack not only knew as well but possibly had more knowledge than he himself did.
"Knowing Reno the way I do I'm going to assume he has told you everything." Angeal began, a soft grunting sound confirming what he'd thought. "Then for now you have to trust that Cloud's in capably hands and they will help him through it until you get back."
"I know, I know." Zack sighed, his body pulling away as he spoke and his battled roughened palms rubbing briefly at his tired drawn features. "But I just have this gut feeling that something's not right and I can't get through to Reno."
"Try again." Angeal encouraged, knowing that it would be pointless to expect his pup to give up and get some sleep with such worries hanging over him.
The soldier smiled and for a brief moment there was a glimmer of light back in his eyes, the fleeting image already gone as Zack reached for his phone and pressed the speed dial button that would content him to the young Turk he desperately needed to speak to.
What he got instead was something unexpected, something that made his heart leap up into his throat and caused his next breath to catch.
"Zack. Zack is that you?" Cloud's voice asked softly over the airwaves, the notable tremble and slight cracking in his words letting the soldier know that he was not the only one to suddenly be overcome with emotions.
"Yea Spiky, it's me." He managed to breath, the relief and love he felt for the blonde coming through loud and clear for all around them to hear. "Gaia I miss you. I miss you so much." Zack choked, the strong confident voice he'd been hoping to talk with abandoning him almost immediately.
"I miss you too." The cadet blubber, the tears he couldn't see on angelic features so clear in Cloud's voice that it brought fresh ones unbidden to the soldier's violets eyes as well. "I'm not doing so good." The blonde confessed, a small sob accompanying the confession and tearing a hole in the soldier's chest as it ripped through him. "The apartments so empty without you there and I don't want to be alone … I can't be alone. I can't."
"It's ok, sssshhh, it's ok." Zack tried to say, his voice also breaking as he attempted to give verbal comfort when physical touch wasn't possible. "Can you … can you pass the phone to Reno for me please … just for … just for a minute. Ok?"
There was a soft sound of pained acceptance and then movement, the crisp noise of the phone being passed over both soothing and also hurting Zack's heart as he heard the one he loved move away to be replaced by another.
"I'm here Fair, what's up?" Reno asked, his tone implying that he already had a good idea what was about to be asked of him.
"Can Cloud stay with you, just … just until I get back?" The soldier requested, the way he posed the question making it sound more like he was now begging more than anything else.
"I've already got some of his stuff here and sorted him out with a place to sleep." The red head replied, the relieved sigh he heard over the phone making him smile despite the circumstances. "Just talk to him for a bit more, ok. He needs you."
"Thanks Reno. I owe you." Zack informed the Turk, a soft grunt acknowledging his words briefly before a much more desired voice returned to the line and the rest of the world ceased to exist for the soldier.
"Zack?" The cadet's soft voice asked hesitantly, almost as if he were afraid that the other would already be gone again.
"I'm here Spiky, I'm here." Zack replied gently, knowing that there was very little he could do to help the blonde right now except comfort him with words of love and reassurance. "I've been thinking about you all day." He admitted softly, a small sound of amusement escaping his lips before he continued speaking. "I'm surprise Angeal hasn't compare me to a love-sick-puppy yet."
"I've been thinking about you too." Cloud's voice echoed nervously, the slight tremble making the cadet sound even younger than he really was. "I … I let you down." The blonde stammered fearfully, his words cracking as the unseen tears made themselves heard once more. "I … I got scared. I … I ran away."
"It's ok." The soldier whispered tenderly, his heart clenching tightly within his chest as he tried not to think about what could have pushed Cloud to do such a thing. "You're safe now and that's all that matters."
"I … I'm sorry." The cadet breathed solemnly, a hesitant pause letting Zack know there were more painful confessions to come. "I … I wasn't careful. I … got hurt."
The soldier had to take a deep breath here and gather himself before responding, the sudden wave of anger he felt at those words instantly surging throughout his entire body and flashing brightly within his darkened violet orbs for the commander to see. Thankfully when Zack spoke again his voice was calm, although notably tight, and he was able to ask the question which burned within him in a tone that would not cause Cloud any more distress.
"Who hurt you?"
"I … I did." The blonde mumbled fearfully, his voice stuttering as he hurried to explain. "But it was an accident, I swear. I didn't mean to, I promise."
Once again choked up sounds of emotional pain cut the cadet off and if the soldier had been there he knew Cloud would be visibly shaking in front of him.
"It's ok. I believe you." Zack soothed, his insides twisting into knots as he tried to convince himself that what the blonde said was the truth. "Tell me what happened. Tell me why you got scared and how you got hurt."
For a few seconds there was only silence and the sound of muffled breaths as Cloud tried to control his breathing and gather his thoughts, as the cadet looked with relief and thanks at the departing Turk and the soldier silently bid the retreating commander goodnight. Then, with just of the two of them alone in their temporary rooms, one began to talk and the other began to listen. The things they both needed to hear and say finally having a chance to be shared with the one they were truly intended for.
It was almost two hours later that Cloud and Zack reluctantly said goodnight and ended their conversation, both drained on an equally physical and emotional level that had no comparison.
With whispered words of comfort still drifting through his head the cadet drifted off into an exhausted sleep feeling a little safer and not so alone, the soldier's reassurances that he would be back soon and that everything would be alright thankfully acting like a soothing balm over Cloud's severely tattered nerves.
For Zack sleep was a little harder to come by as he found himself calculating the hours and minutes until they would be together again, his thoughts finally finding silence as his consciousness eventually grew too tired to remain aware and slipped into a deep and much needed sleep.