This chapter stars that amazing pink puffy thing, Kirby! I forgot how fun this chapter is...
2:
One Tough Creampuff
Lowering her arm cannon, Samus smirked inside her helmet. Bull's-eye, she thought, clicking on the transmission screen in her visor.
"Nice one, Samus." Captain Falcon's face flicked on. "Direct hit! He's disabled."
"Thanks, Falcon. All due to you."
Captain Falcon gave a pleased smile. "This one shouldn't be too hard. He's barely equipped, and he has absolutely no experience with space warfare. He won't have much endurance for our style of battling."
"Good. I could use a vacation," Samus mused, casually clicking through explosive settings on her arm cannon. "Master Hand hasn't let up on us since Star Fox. Must eradicate all the dissenters, he says. Sheesh."
Falcon smiled at Samus's 'sheesh.' "Oh yeah, added a new application to the power suit. Should be easier to take off now."
"No kidding," Samus said as the pieces of her suit clattered to the ground with the click of a button. "I can see why you added it." She looked down her sleek torso, wrapped in blue nylon. "Perv."
Falcon frowned, a good-natured smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. "Don't call me that."
"I'm just kidding. Care to pick me up?"
"Already there." The Falcon Flyer sailed in, halting next to Samus. "What about Snake?"
"Problem solved," Samus said grimly, activating the motion sensor bomb positioned just three millimeters to the right of Snake's foot.
"Ooh, using his own tactics against him?" Falcon said as stepped out next to his partner, watching Snake's body get thrown up into the air. "Nice." Grabbing his handgun from his belt, the bounty hunter cocked it. "Get him now?"
"That would be too quick of a job. Let's savor it a little," Samus said, pulling off her helmet. She sauntered over to the unconscious man and tossed him up into the Falcon Flyer. "We're taking him for a ride."
xxx
Snake gradually opened his eyes. Two tall figures were standing over him, one a thin woman, the other a broad man. The woman was sinewy and lean, her body bound in a close-fitting blue suit and a blaster gun dangling from her hand. She looked like an elegant dancer, her blonde hair was tied back in a slick ponytail. The man was huge, looking as though he could break one's neck between his thumb and forefinger. His helmet covered the top half of his face, so Snake couldn't determine what he looked like very well. His blaster gun hung on a belt at his hip.
"Finally," the woman said. "What do should we do with him, Falcon? Kill him now? Or let him go?"
"Doesn't matter in the end," the man said grimly. Snake lay there on his back, feeling ganged up on. Obviously the woman was Samus; the other must be Captain Falcon. From the way they posed next to each other, it was clear that these two were a couple, or at least close friends. Snake burned with jealousy at Falcon's closeness with such an elite…and such a beautiful…woman. Hmph.
Samus pondered for a moment. "We'll let him go for now," she said. "Wouldn't be much of a challenge otherwise." She shepherded Snake to the hatch door. She opened it for him.
The city of Port Town twinkled three thousand feet below.
"Out you go," Samus encouraged, prodding Snake in the back.
"Isn't this a little cheap?" Snake shot, looking fearfully at the fluffy white clouds below him. Those were all that were keeping him from a date with the ground.
Samus shrugged. "Less mess."
Snake hesitated at the edge. Then, he turned and smiled at Samus. "Maybe we'll meet again, Ar—"
Samus pushed Snake out of the ship.
"—!"
"Heh." Falcon peered over the side, watching Snake disappear. "Too easy."
"Yes, he'll be lucky if he survives that one," Samus said, sticking her nose over the edge and observing pointedly.
Meanwhile, Snake clung to the bottom runner of the ship, hanging on for dear life. He had gotten lucky—his Cypher had saved him, smashing him into underside of the Falcon Flyer after he had deployed it. The ship dipped and dived continually, making it quite hard to cling on, but Snake held strong and determined with his iron grip. After several seconds of bouncing around, he pulled the strength to wrap his legs around the axel and start crawling along it.
Up on deck, a large splotch fell across the window. Samus and Falcon glanced up to find Solid Snake staring at them through the window, ready for round two. The mercenary smiled and waved.
"Hm. Interesting," Samus said, mildly surprised. "I didn't even see how he got on…"
"Er, want me to activate the blaster guns?" Falcon said, his finger wavering dangerously over a huge, important-looking button.
"Nah, too predictable," Samus dismissed. "I have Halberd in the vicinity."
"Ah. Good ol' Halberd."
A shadow fell over Snake. He looked up. The nose of a huge vessel emerged from the clouds, the face mounted on its bow advancing like a hungry beast. A laser cannon snaked out from the starboard and aimed directly at him.
! "You have got to be kidding me—"
The cabin shook slightly as the lasers impacted, but Samus and Falcon went about their daily business, as if nothing out of the ordinary was happening. Something hard suddenly smacked against the steel door, and Samus pressed it open. Snake fell in, smoking and coughing.
The mercenary pushed himself up on his hands and knees and staggered to his feet. "All right," he said. "I shocked up to your missiles, skirted your assassination attempt and survived your stupid—" Gasp. "—guns. Now what?" Snake put up his fists, sincerely hoping that whatever they threw at him next just fired nuclear warheads or bombs or something. As long as it wasn't lasers.
Suddenly Samus's intrigue was piqued. This man was so pitiable—he was clearly a strong warrior, who took his missions seriously enough never to give up; he would fight until the job was done. Or until he was dead, anyway, as would be the case here. Aw, should she do it: Completely, utterly embarrass him in his weakest hour?
…Yes.
Samus spoke into the communicator: "Come in, Kirby."
Snake snapped back into fighting position. It had looked as though Samus might ease up on him for a moment, but the soldier knew he should have known better—Samus was clearly not one to go easy on any adversary. He raised his fists, preparing himself to face whatever huge, monstrous, many-muscled beast 'Kirby' was.
In bobbled a pink blob, about a foot tall. It had large sparkly eyes and little red dabs on its cheeks. It was round like a ball, and little pink shoes adorned its feet.
Snake looked at Kirby.
Kirby looked at Snake.
Snake looked Kirby long and hard in the eye, searching for any evil glimmer that revealed its hidden inner demon.
"Poyo!" Kirby said.
"Hm," Snake replied. It was a marshmallow.
It was a giant, pink marshmallow.
Snake slowly turned to Samus and Falcon, a rare twinkle of mirth glinting in his green eyes. His face cracked open into a wide smile, and he snorted in disbelief.
"…What?" he said, laughing.
Ohhhh, that silly, silly man. Samus smirked. The irony was just superb. She just smiled and shrugged. "So you think you can bring it against Kirby?"
"Think I can bring it against a giant pink marsh—"
"Hyah-CHA!" Kirby screamed, bringing his cutter blade down on Snake's head.
"AHRG!" Snake was thrown against the filing cabinet, a pile of papers falling on his head.
Some time later, this pink marshmallow had punched him, swallowed him and whacked him with a hammer. Snake was finally brought to his knees, conquered by the awesome and intrepid Kirby. Our mercenary had tried his best—he had used every weapon in his arsenal, but every missile, every grenade seemed to bounce off Kirby's rubber exterior and boomerang right back to him.
Meanwhile, Samus and Falcon didn't lift a finger. They sat the entire time, their legs crossed, watching with amused expressions on their faces and chuckling at appropriate moments. When he wasn't getting punched, Snake thought they might as well have been drinking tea and Falcon should have been smoking a pipe and reading the newspaper, they were so smug. Anger burst in him again that this idiot Falcon got some tough girl as a partner and he didn't. Ugh.
"Hm, transmission coming in." Falcon strode over to the control panel. "Someone's on the roof."
He opened the top hatch, and a ladder dangled in. A helicopter manned by the one and only Sonic the Hedgehog hovered overhead, rocking back and forth in treacherous fashion.
"Snake, hurry up!" Sonic called. "I can't fly this thing very well!—"
Burning with embarrassment, Snake heaved himself to his feet and grabbed onto the ladder.
"Looks like your carpool is here," Samus said, raising her eyebrows faintly at Sonic. "Nice meeting you, Snake. We'll be sure to see each other again soon."
Snake turned his back on her, glowering darkly. His shoulders were caved in defeat. "Hmph. I'm sure we will. And I don't look forward to it." He then thought of something else, and turned back to the bounty hunter for one last word. He just had to know. "Tell your fiancée I'm coming after him, too. You're not the only one, Aran."
"'Fiancée'?" Samus said. She looked around at Falcon. "Oh, him? Oh, we're not dating." Samus smiled. "We don't even like each other. We're just very good partners. I'm afraid you won't be able to beat us, mercenary."
Snake stared at her, his expression blank. Then, his eyebrows rose up demurely. "…Suppose he wouldn't mind if you give me a kiss for good luck then, eh?"
"…A kiss?" Samus frowned, truly abashed. "My, aren't we the bold one? Especially after that performance with Kirby. Get your ass up into that helicopter before I blast you. Or call Kirby in again. Would you like that?"
"No, I sure wouldn't," Snake mumbled. But he still shot Samus a sly smile. "Maybe next time, then." He then scrambled up the ladder and, pushing Sonic out of the driver's seat, flew away.
Samus watched the helicopter disappear into the distance, a strange sensation of admiration filling her. Not many people could handle being beaten up by a creampuff, after all.
…And still have the balls to ask for a kiss.
xxx
"Mmmm, chili dog! My favorite!" Sonic said, eagerly unwrapping his dinner and scarfing it down.
"…Would youstopstuffingyourface and listen to me?" Snake growled, his face going red.
"Whoa, cool it, amigo," Sonic said, raising his eyebrows at the…sometimes cool cat. He threw the paper in the trash, missing by a few inches, and swiveled around to face Snake. "Something bothering you? You sure are acting grouchy—I mean, even more than usual!"
"No."
"Is this about this afternoon? Surely it's not so bad. I mean, what happened again? Something about Kirby?" Sonic grinned cheekily.
"Cut it out," Snake growled, glowing red. "I mean it."
"Heh—okay," Sonic consented, but he was still smiling. "Now, what do need me to do?"
"I need you—" Snake frowned. "—to get me a background check. On anyone and everyone. And then…hire me some people of my own. The only way we're going to get them is to play their own game. We need contacts." He smacked his fist into his hand.
"Well, okay…" Sonic said. "But Samus and Falcon seem to pretty well have a tabs on everyone. They would know right away who we had gotten."
"I know that," Snake said, much more coolly. The red was finally draining from his face. "But not all of them can be their friends. They're bound to have made some enemies, too."
Sonic clicked on his computer. "Well, I got someone right here." Two kids' faces popped up, one with black hair, the other with blonde. Their ages read "10 to 13" at the bottom of the page.
"Kids, eh?" Snake frowned, rubbing a hand through his hair. "Do you think that's, um…wise?"
"Snake? Pink puffballs. Pink. Puffballs."
"Damn. You're right." Snake sighed, sitting back heavily in his chair. The mercenary was beginning to wonder what crazy mixed-up warfare he had gotten himself into. At home, stealth and tactics were his forte; while they didn't work for everyone, they certainly worked for him. Here, everything was game. His tactics may work, but they would take time to adapt to this absurd power battling, where people employed crazy creatures to do their dirty work for them for them, and those crazy creatures had absurd skills like inhaling him or turning into rocks and falling on his head. "It's a whole new world we're in." His face souring, Snake added as an afterthought: "And I'll never enjoy marshmallows again."
xxx
Sorry to make fun of Snake so much, but if you know me, you know it's all out of love. Besides, he'll get his revenge soon enough…guess who enters next chapter? *cackles evilly and rubs hands*…