5:
Ninja Menagerie!

Fox McCloud stepped forward, his tawny ears twitching. "Still being bitchy, I see," he commented.

Samus took a second more to be stunned, then shook it off. Behind her, Snake slid down the wall and threw a longing glance at the door.

Fox gave him an irritated wave. Snake slid behind Samus, put his hand on the doorframe and scurried out of the room, his footsteps echoing metallically down the hall. Samus eyed him with a watchful gaze, but she didn't move to stop him. No bother, she thought. He would get his.

And no way would she ever miss an opportunity to rough up Star Fox.

Fox opened his mouth probably to make some other nasty comment about her, but a crash from the hallway interrupted him. As dusty smoke billowed into the room, Samus saw the pointed nose of a ship surfacing out of the wall. In entered a figure that looked nearly identical to Fox, with its white mohawk and pointed ears, but its fur was silvery-gray, and a blue eyepiece was perched over its left eye. The wolf creature wore a sleek vinyl jacket, the shoulders adorned with nasty-looking spikes.

"Sorry I'm late," apologized the wolfman in an unapologetic tone. Fox's tail switched compulsively.

"Star Wolf?" Samus said, showing about as much surprise as she was capable. "Aren't you two…" She flipped her finger between Wolf and Fox. "…enemies?"

Fox rolled his eyes. "Yeah, well, thanks to you, Master Hand forced us into a merger. And we're still on probation!"

There was a rusty screech on the roof, and a pattering of feet later in walked yet another specimen, this time a blue bird. The feathers on top of his head scraped the doorframe as he entered, and he wore a white jacket similar to Fox's. He walked in and, taking one look at Samus Aran, made a move as if to jump her. Fox put a steadying hand on his colleague. If anyone was going to be jumping Samus Aran, it was going to be him.

"Bite me, Aran," were the first words out of Falco Lombardi's mouth.

Samus looked at the three assembled space animals. "Well well well." She tossed back her head and laughed. "Looks like the gang's all here! I couldn't ask for a better reunion. Tell me, Fox, are we going to reenact that little rebellion of yours?"

Growling, Fox rolled up his sleeves and pulled a blaster gun out of his pocket. "That's it, Aran. I've been wanting to make Swiss cheese out of your face for a long time."

Samus lowered her helmet and raised her gun. "Bring it on, Star Fox."

"Do I have to stay for this?" Star Wolf yawned, picking at something under his fingernail. "I have a dentist appointment…"

Fox's face turned bright red underneath his fur, his hands shuddering in anger. "Get in there, Wolf!"

Falco pulled out his own gun and sprang at her. "You're mine, Aran!"

Fox threw his hand against Falco's chest. "I thought we agreed she's mine!"

In a few moments, fur and feathers were flying through the air. As soon as she had a moment, which was pretty soon as Fox had taken more to arguing with Wolf and Falco than fighting her, Samus took the opportunity to use her telocommunicator.

"Falcon—" she gasped.

"Already sent her in, Samus," replied the calm voice.

"…" Samus looked at the blank green screen. "…Thanks, Falcon. I should know by now you're always on the ball."

x x x

His footsteps resounding across the hall, Snake wondered just where that slimy hedgehog Sonic had disappeared to. Before he could guess that his partner had escaped without him, a blue-clad foot slid down in front of him, snaking up into an open vent in the ceiling.

This was swiftly followed by another, followed by a slithering torso and finally the head of an ambiguously-gendered person, the face hidden behind a white cloth. Blonde bangs framed their eyes red as glowing embers.

"Hello, Snake," the person said, a deep, resonant woman's voice.

Snake regarded this new intruder suspiciously. "Hi… Who're you?"

The woman took up a pose, standing on one toe and holding her hands aloft. Yellow sparks danced between her fingertips. "I'm Sheik!"

"Sheik?" Snake frowned, wondering where he had heard that before. The name sounded familiar…

"You may better know me as…" A purple blush began spreading over the woman's suit, turning it from blue to fuchsia. The corset lengthened into a swirling skirt, and the blonde hair turned brown, swinging in a long braid behind a pretty maiden's fresh face. "…Princess Zelda."

Snake blinked. "Oh. Zelda." The mercenary had to admit, he was surprised to see the princess here. From what he had read on the database, Zelda had a lot of responsibilities, being the sovereign of the land of Hyrule and all its surrounding provinces. She only rented her bountying services part-time.

"Princess Zelda," the girl insisted, transforming into Sheik once more. "…Or Sheik. Whichever."

"Samus can't fight me herself, so she sent a little teenage girl after me?" Snake mused aloud. He was forgetting that not too long ago he had sent two teenage, or younger, boys after Samus.

"Little—excuse me!" Sheik shifted back into Zelda, the color of the royal's face coming to match her purple dress. She thrust her hands on her hips. "I am nothing like that! I'm quite capable, thank you very much! I don't need your approval!"

Snake smiled. He was highly enamored with this girl. She would be fun to fight…if they ever got around to it. He held up his hands and poised for battle. "Then show me what you can do, Princess."

With a snap of her wrist, Zelda sent a fireball flying at him, just singeing the tip of his mullet. Snake managed to duck just in time. "Whoa," he muttered.

"Yes, how's that?" Zelda gritted her teeth. "And I have a lot more where that came from, in case you'd like to find out!"

To his surprise, Zelda didn't shift back into Sheik for most of the battle. Her attacks were quite quick, a mix of fire blasts and diamond shards and yellow sparks. Only once did she shift into Sheik, catching him off-guard, and threw a volley of needles at him.

Sweating, Snake decided that he needed to try something else. He didn't have any of his usual firepower on hand (he wasn't about to grab something under Samus Aran's nose), and he didn't feel magic versus bare skin was really a fair match. Never having dealt head-on with magic of this caliber, he feared what other tricks Zelda might have up her sleeve. "So, uh…how'd you and Samus meet?" he began conversationally, as Zelda took a swipe at him with a flaming hand.

"Oh, we sit next to one another at the Galactic Federation!" Zelda formed a golden ball in her hands and threw it at him. "We also knit together. Isn't that splendid?"

"Um…what?" Snake's strategy ended up confusing him more than it did Zelda, as he was having a hard time imagining Samus in that huge, bulky power suit knitting baby buntings.

"Listen, Zelda…" Snake gasped finally. "I've really got a ride to catch. Is there some way we could reach a truce?"

Zelda lowered her arms. "Yes."

Snake blinked. "Really?"

She pointed at Snake's chest, where all his grenades and ammo hung. "I want one of those."

Snake frowned. "What! No." Asking for one of Snake's weapons was akin to asking for his firstborn child. "Ask for something else."

Zelda raised her arm, the tips of her fingers crackling faintly.

Snake waved his hands. "Okay, okay, geez…" Disgruntled, Snake began to unbuckle one of his grenades. He tossed it to her, and she caught it in two hands. "What's a girl like you want with one of those things, anyway?"

"Gopher problem. Royal garden has these huge, immense gophers, they keep eating everything…" Zelda squinted at the cap of the grenade. "Hey, this thing is undone—"

"Heh," Snake said, as the grenade exploded in a wild burst of red. He dove out of the way, behind a metal cabinet as the flames blast past him.

Snake finally reached the emergency dock, feeling a little guilty—after all, Zelda had been very pretty. But he had left two grenades near the exit for her said 'gopher problem,' so he hoped that would temper the princess a little bit.

Snake saw one of the two escape capsules had been deployed. Once I get my hands on that hedgehog… His hands gripped in eager anticipation at the thought.

"I guess Zelda didn't do you in like I had hoped."

Snake stopped, and turned. A tall, broad-shouldered man walked out from among the boxes of ship parts, his blue suit shining brilliantly in the florescent lights. A golden gun hung at his hip. His scarf swayed around his neck.

"It's a shame," Captain Falcon said, smiling a little. "But she really has gotten a lot better."

Snake's heart began thumping along wildly. The appearance of Samus Aran's partner had been so sudden he hoped he had imagined it, but sadly, Captain Falcon was all too real.

The F-Zero pilot cracked his knuckles, the shiny orange material of his gloves flexing. The empty white sockets where his eyes should have been held his gaze. Creepy…, Snake thought. "I'm excited to get fight you, Snake. You've proven a very worthy opponent for Samus so far, so I hope you'll show me something magnificent."

Shaking himself out of his disbelief, Snake put up his fists and motioned for Falcon to come forward. "Then show me your moves," he said…reversely.

Although massively powerful and much quicker than Snake was, in hand-to-hand combat Falcon's style was rough, and he often missed Snake by a wide berth. Snake dodged his kicks and punches easily, even though the mercenary had never felt himself to be all that fast of an opponent. Captain Falcon also had the unusual habit of announcing his attacks before executing them. Snake guessed this was either some scare tactic or an exquisite form of idiocy.

As a 'Falcon Punch' whistled past his ear, Snake felt the heat just singe the hairs on his neck. The orange flames formed the shape of a bird—a falcon, presumably—and emitted a screech that rattled Snake's eardrums.

"Is there some reason you announce your attacks?" he said, ducking underneath Falcon's arm. "It sort of—gives you away…"

"For show," Falcon answered, bounding away from him. "I like making an impression." He gave a loud "Falcon KICK!" and delivered a flaming boot right to Snake's stomach from halfway across the room. Snake gasped as all his wind was knocked out of him and fell to his knees. Falcon sidled on over.

"It works," Snake gasped.

Falcon grinned and pinned him to the ground under his weight. The two wrestled with each other for a few minutes until Falcon, finally getting the upper hand, hoisted the mercenary up and held him around the neck. Snake's feet kicked vainly at the air. It was a strange feeling, being lifted up like this. Most of his opponents weren't…as big as he was.

"Too bad Samus didn't get to finish you off herself, but she'll have the job done at any cost."

Snake struggled for air. The oppressive squeeze on his throat made him realize he was being choked to death, a move he often used himself. Snake grimaced—he was going to have to use elementary-level tactics.

"Falcon Kick!" he thought to himself, kicking Falcon in between the legs. Falcon gasped and dropped Snake, who quickly swept the man's legs out from under him. Grabbing the emergency hose, he tied Falcon's right foot to the end and slammed the on the jam. He watched with some amusement as Falcon flew up towards the ceiling.

Taking a spare hose bundled up underneath, Snake wrapped it around the pilot and tied it in a bowline knot behind his back. Falcon wouldn't be getting out of that anytime soon.

Snake circled around Falcon, contemplating him with some amusement. He looked a little like a large bug swinging upside-down in the web of a spider, waiting to be eaten.

"Thanks for dropping by, Falcon, but I'd appreciate it if you called ahead next time." Snake waved his hand, but he turned back. "By the way, do you prefer to be called 'Captain' or 'Falcon'? Or something else entirely?"

Falcon tossed his head in a last-ditch effort to escape. He gritted his teeth. "What's it matter to you?"

Snake shrugged, with such casualness that it made Falcon struggle against his chains anew and desire to deliver a Falcon Punch right to his face. "I just want to be right. It's only polite."

"It's Falcon."

"All right—"

"…To my friends. From you, I wouldn't mind the 'Captain' part."

"Ouch." Snake smiled ruefully. Contemplating Falcon's upside-down position again, he rubbed his chin. "Guess I better escape before you break out of those hose."

"Beat it, Mullet," Falcon snapped so hard his jaw clicked shut. "Before I make your face kiss your ass."

Snake smiled, to show the man he knew he was just bluffing. "See ya, Captain."

He popped open the escape hatch and dropped out of sight, in the distinctly stealthy style that was entirely his.

"…Samus is going to be sooo pissed," Falcon said, struggling aimlessly against the hose.

xxx

Ah, it's just not by me until someone gets kicked in the crotch.

Next chapter: Snake x Samus finally?