Gandalf parked his station wagon in the abandoned K-mart parking lot. He went in the disabled #hardcorelife parking space. He went inside the K-mart.
"Where are you, Saruman? You have my belongings, man. Give them back now, man. Man." Gandalf was ticked off.
"Ah, Gandalf the Grey! Good old friend. You my buddy, man," Saruman came out of aisle 15 of the K-mart, his secret aisle. "I also have your staff, haha not really! I lied!"
Gandalf was shocked. "What? Where is it then?"
"You had it all along."
Gandalf looked at his hand. There was the staff! "I have been deceived!" he shouted loudly at Saruman.
"Yo, Gandalf, I have important news."
"What, man."
"I am evil, haha! Take that, aging man! And I'm getting a plastic surgery done tomorrow. Also, I have a new boyfriend. Wanna know who it is?"
"Who man?"
"Sauron!"
Gandalf went to a corner and cried a lot. Saruman laughed at him. Then Saruman transported Gandalf to the janitor's closet of the K-mart.
"Haha you'll be stuck in that stinky place forever!" Saruman shouted mercilessly.
Gandalf cried more. Then a random butterfly appeared and transported Gandalf out of the janitor's closet. Gandalf made a happy derp face.
…
Back to Frodo and squad. Frodo woke up on a couch in Forever 21. It was a whimsical place with a lot of fabulous elves and Gucci.
"Arwen! Who is this short plump man?" An ugly elf named Elrond said.
"Daaaaaaad! This is Frito- I mean Frodo!" Arwen said as her majestic mane flew in the air conditioned air of Forever 21.
"Hello, Frodo," Elrond said.
"Hi."
There was silence, then a circle formed in the center of Forever 21.
"Come, Frodo and Elrond! We must choose people to bring the ring of Sauron to Walmart," Aragorn the hobo man said as he seated next to other people/elves/dwarves/short hobbit men/regular men.
Frodo sat in the circle.
"I'll take the stupid effing ring!" A dwarf-man named Gimli said loudly and obnoxiously.
"No, fool. Imma take it!" Legolas the annoying elf said also loudly and obnoxiously.
"You're all stupid." That was all Boromir the man said.
A mosh-pit formed and Bring Me the Horizon started playing. Everybody crazy.
Frodo got up and shouted, "Everyone, shut the f**k up!" Everyone was quiet.
Then, Gimli took his hammer and beat the crap out of the ring-pop. Nothing happened, but a vision of Walmart was seen.
"Frodo, you can take the ring," said Gandalf, who randomly appeared. It was settled.
The ones who decided to go with Frodo were Merry, Pippin, Sam, Aragorn, Boromir, Gimli, and Legolas. They started their fabulous party journey.