Don't
own them, I'm not that good!
May 8th, 2009 Seeley Booth's apartment
Some days it was as though everything was blasting, the phone, the radio from next door, the tv, even sounds he took for granted seemed to assail him as he shuffled through his apartment. Everyday he woke to the sound of Jared in the shower, getting ready for the day, clanging his toothbrush against the side of the sink, or dropping his razor. Seeley knew that his little brother did it on purpose, knowing that he could hear him, and waking him without having to confront him. Two weeks into their new living arrangement and already he was wondering if he'd made a mistake. Booth knew he couldn't do this alone right now though, he'd nearly bled to death one morning while he attempted to shave, and a few days before that he left a towel to close to the stove and it caught fire. So many things that he never thought twice about before, he was now having to stop and feel for things, or try to remember where he put something. Most days he had a headache before noon, and was passed out drunk by five. Jared would come home and force him to eat, try to make small talk before he slammed his bedroom door in his face.
"Jared do you have to be so damn loud in the morning?" Seeley called out from his bed.
"Sorry, I didn't even notice I was being loud, sorry bro." Jared said, smirking to himself.
"Even though I can't see you, I know you're doing it on purpose...stop making that face." He yelled.
"How do you even know I'm making a face Seel?" Jared asked, appearing in his brothers door.
"I don't have to see you to hear the tone of your voice dipshit. And if you don't stop this crap Jar, I'm going to have to kick you out." Seeley said angrily.
"You wouldn't do that though. Because the minute I'm gone from here, Rebecca pulls the plug on you seeing Parker. Which I'm surprised she hasn't yet, the way you've been drinking. You might not think that we know, what you do when we aren't here, but trust me big brother, I know you. If you could get in a cab and go to atlantic city you'd be there, but since you can't even see to know if you win or not, you drink. You're turning into dad." Jared said, knowing that he'd offended his brother with the dad comment.
Seeley said nothing, as he tried to focus on where exactly his little brother was standing, knowing that he could charge him for that remark. There was nothing slow about the tackle...or easy. He slammed his shoulder into his brother something fierce, taking them both down to the floor.
"What are you trying to do Seel?" Jared asked struggling to push his brother off of him.
"Compare me to our father again, how dare you, I am not like him. I could never be like him. You don't know. You aren't blind." Seeley yelled, inches from his brother's face as his fists started in on the younger man's body.
"Seeley, get off." Jared tried, feeling at least one of his ribs crack with the force of his older brother's fist.
"Why? Everyone knows you never look at the flash...you look away, you aren't even supposed to be that close to a blast. But where could I have gone? There was nowhere to go, and I looked right at it. Why?" He said over and over until finally Jared was able to catch his fists.
"I don't know Seeley. I don't know why this happened. I don't know why it happened to you...but it doesn't mean you can't live your life...what about Tempe? Parker? Are you just going to drown yourself away from them? They need you, they care about you, Parker loves you so much, but you don't even allow yourself to know it. You're too stuck inside your own head Seel. You have to talk to someone." Jared said, still pinned by his brother's weight, watching as tears formed at the corners of his useless eyes.
Seeley stood without another word, using his toes to navigate around his brother lying on the floor. His face was still wet when Jared finally came out dressed for his day, to find him sitting on the couch, in silence.
"I want to go back and learn more." Seeley said flatly.
"Are you serious about it?" Jared asked, wondering what changed his mind.
"Yes. And I need you to set up an appointment with a head shrinker too. I can't lose my son." He said honestly for the first time.
"I will do those things under one condition." Jared offered.
"What's that? Because I know that I don't owe you anything yet." Seeley said almost laughing.
"Next time you want to have a go at me, we go to the ring, lace up the gloves, and see who wins. Bare fists are too much for me, especially since you out weigh me by fifty or sixty pounds. Ya cracked one of my ribs before." Jared said wincing at his sore left side.
"Did you wrap it up?" Seeley asked, turning in the direction of his brother.
"Yeah, lucky for me you keep the first aid kit pretty stocked." He laughed.
"You'll call today, right?" Seeley asked before Jared left.
"Don't worry I won't forget. You gonna be coherant when I get home? I was thinking maybe we could meet up with your squints tonight, don't they go to the diner?" Jared said, hoping that he'd take him up on the offer.
"I don't know...maybe." Seeley said, cringing at the thought of being out with everyone at once.
"You know if you need anything to call..." Jared said quietly before shutting the door.
Seeley sat there for some time before he decided that maybe he would try and meet up with everyone tonight. He missed them, despite all the brain talk, they were his friends, the people he used to rely on to make him laugh throughout the day, he missed Brennan most though. He'd done a good job of keeping her at arms length lately, making sure to stay quiet when she was over, even with her aversion for talking about things, he never had known anyone quite so afraid of silence. His tactic to distance himself from her was working, but only to his dismay.
He spent the rest of the day somewhat like he had the last month, except for the drinking, he listened to the news, and some of the daytime game shows. Instead of staying in his sweats though, around four he dragged himself into the shower, where he let the steam rise in the room as he remembered a scene from a few days before everything changed.
"You're gonna make me fall!" Brennan had said, as he led her around the rink.
"I'm never gonna make you fall, I'm always here..." I'd answered truthfully.
The look on her face that night had been enough to get him through the ordeal of getting kidnapped, they were on their way to something, and then he was taken from her. Slamming his fists into the shower wall he cursed the gravedigger, not only was his sight stripped from him, but the chance of something with her was gone now too. How could he protect her now, he couldn't even live on his own, let alone take care of another person. Stepping out of the shower he wrapped a towel around himself and felt for the sink. He searched the shelf next to him for his hair gel, something he could thank Angela for, even though he didn't when she was there. His hair was long now, and he squeezed a little more than he normally would out into his hand and rubbing his hands together he pulled them through his hair, hoping to achieve the same look he always had. Next up was shaving, something he had gotten better at, even though he went as long as he could stand before he attempted it. Two nicks later he headed out to get dressed, again thanking Angela silently as he felt for his dark blue t-shirt in the drawer of many, and finally when he felt it, he carefully pulled it out and over his head, smoothing it out over his chest. Picking a random pair of jeans, and his brown shoes he headed for the sofa to wait for Jared.
"Honey I'm home..." Jared teased, surprised to see his normally drunk brother waiting in something other than sweats.
"Yeah, yeah... did you make the calls?" Seeley asked.
"I said I would, and I did. Who are you all dressed up for?" Jared asked.
"No one, just felt like getting out of the house some... They'll be at the lab until six, I'd like to go there first if you can get ready in time." Seeley said, his face looking anxious, at the thought of seeing Bones.
"I'll be done in ten. Relax Seel." Jared said, knowing that it had been almost two weeks since he'd talked to her due to his stubbornness.
Before they left the apartment, Seeley grabbed the white cane from the table, and his black leather jacket. He could make it to the street without the cane, but once outside the noise overwhelmed him, and it took him a while to gain his bearings. Jared stayed close, patiently waiting for his brother to be ready to go.
"You okay Seel?" Jared asked after almost five minutes.
"Yeah, it's almost rush hour, and the noise is a lot to take in. Maybe we should drive?" He answered, cane still folded in his hand.
"We'll get a cab, is that cool?" Jared asked him, moving closer to the street to hail one.
"Yeah...Jared?" Seeley asked, not sensing him close anymore.
"Right here man, I ain't gonna get us a cab from way back there." He shouted over the traffic.
Seeley didn't answer, he just took three steps forward, knowing that he had at least two more till the curb. He heard the cab door open, and Jared tell the cabbie where they were going, before Jared tapped his arm for him to follow.
"Duck, Seel." Jared teased.
They stayed quiet the whole ride, this was the farthest he'd gone in weeks, and he could feel the anxiety setting in, the farther away from home he got.
"Pay the man little brother..." Seeley said as he got out first, and extended his cane, thinking to himself, that it had to be done sooner or later.
"Seeley wait for me." Jared said, waiting for his change from the cabbie, his brother already near the door. "How do you even know what entrance we're by?"
"Easy, front entrance has cobblestone, back is concrete, side is nearer to the garden. We're in the front." Seeley answered grinning at his little brother.
Hearing the doors slide open, he entered, knowing that he had to make a left and then a right before he'd reach the doors to the lab. His cane tapped, as he counted the steps, he wouldn't use it next time. Forty five in all to reach the lab doors, he filed as he waited for them to slide open as well. He heard a few intakes of breath, as he walked through, heading straight for the platform, he could hear Hodgins and Angela as soon as he entered. His cane tapped the bottom step, Jared behind him and he started up the steps.
"Booth, wait..." Hodgins yelled, running for the card swiper.
"Relax bug man, I know where to stop." Booth said, grinning at him as he heard the beep.
"She isn't here sweetie..." Angela said quietly, her hand resting on my arm.
"Oh, well, Jared and I were wondering if you all would like to grab some dinner with us? Maybe head to the diner, you know, like we used too?" Seeley asked, hearing heels coming towards them.
"Seeley Booth, I know you are not contaminating my body." Caroline said brashly.
"Miss Julian, you know me better than that. How are you Cherie?" He asked her.
"Now now, sugar, you know I'm always on top. What about you... haven't seen you around, or heard these fools talking about you lately, what did you do to get dropped like a hot potato?" She asked.
"I don't know Caroline, I don't know. Maybe I disappeared for a while..." He answered, wondering where Bones was.
"Well it's about time you get your butt back down here. I can't be left unamused for long you know that, Cherie." Miss Julian said, her heels clicking away from them.
"Where is she Ange? Is there a case?" He asked, turning to Angela.
"I don't know Booth, sometimes she just heads out. She'll be back soon though, Cam gets on her case when she's gone for more than a few hours. You can hang out in her office if you want..." Angela said.
"Yeah I think I will Ange, hey, thanks again for coming by before and helping me out. It really does make a difference..." He said, turning to leave the platform.
"I'm gonna hang out here Seeley. Cam is on her way over." Jared said, not wanting to invade Tempe's office.
"I know, invite her too." He said after he descended the steps.
The doors swooshed closed behind him, his cane connecting with the couch, and then the table to his right, her smell filling his nostrils. Trying to picture it in his mind, the artwork on the walls, the papers on the desk, the sculpture on the table, the two frames behind her desk, holding a picture of her and her mother, and another holding her soon to be nieces. It was as though he had just been here yesterday, the images in his mind so vivid as he sat down on the couch, folding the cane onto his lap. He sat there, reminiscing about all the times they'd brainstormed on that couch, or all the times he'd covered her up when she had stayed late working on a case and fallen asleep. He missed her company so much, but he didn't know how to tell her that, he didn't know how to act around her anymore. His role as the protector, the strong male, wasn't there for him anymore. That's why he'd kept her at arms length all this time, he didn't know how to not be her protector, and he didn't know what he was to her anymore. With his blindness, his life was turned upside down, taking her with it. And he wondered if he'd ever get back to that place with her again, if he'd ever feel comfortable in his own skin again. He heard the doors slide open just then, and he could smell her as her perfume wafted into the room. Staying quiet, he wondered how long it would take her to notice him there.
Nearly five minutes had passed, him listening to her fingers dance over the keys, before he couldn't take it any more. "Bones..." he said quietly.
"Booth, how long have you been in here?" She asked, startled, looking him over from head to toe, realizing that he looked good, better than she'd seen him in weeks.
"A while. Ange told me you were out, but you'd be back soon, so I figured I'd wait for you. Were you working a case?" he asked, leaning forward on his seat.
"Uh, no. I was just out." She hesitated.
"Did you already get dinner, or do you want to come with us to the diner?" He asked her, wishing he could see her face, and what it would tell him, what she was trying to keep from him.
"That sounds nice, is that why Jared is here too? He was up on the platform when I came in." She said, sounding unsure of herself for the first time in a long time.
"What's up Bones? You sound different? Is everything okay?" He asked her, standing and moving towards the chair opposite her, not sure how far he was until he stumbled into it.
"Still working things out..." He said, flashing her a thousand watt smile.
"I tried calling your apartment several times Booth, I was worried about you..." She said, her voice shaky.
"I've been having a hard time Bones, I'm not going to lie to you, but it's no excuse. I've decided to get counseling... and I'm checking into rehab for another fifteen days. I can't live like this, I can't just hide out in my apartment, I need more than that... I might not ever be an agent again, but it doesn't mean I can't be productive, or that I can't be around the people I love." he said honestly, leaning over her desk, "I need to be able to take care of my son, and right now, I have to depend on my brother for that, because I was too stubborn to take the help when I had the chance. And I need to have my friends around me, I don't know what I thought I would accomplish pushing everyone away..."
"It's the alpha male response Booth, and you will always be the alpha male. Nothing will change that. But you're right, you shouldn't have pushed everyone away, and you need to learn how to deal with this." was all she said, but he could hear the hurt in her voice.
"Bones... I'm sorry. What can I do to make it up to you..." he said pushing his glasses up over his hair, so he could metaphorically speaking look her in the eyes.
She knew that by taking his glasses off, he was serious, that he meant what he said. What she wasn't ready for was the expression on his face, it looked to her like he had lost something he knew he'd never get back. His chocolate brown eyes, gazed past her, and he remained quiet, his hands fidgeting with the cane he held, until finally she reached across her desk, and placed her hands over his. "You have to let me in sometimes. I can't read your mind, I don't have the required skill set for that. You can't push me away anymore." She finished, longing for the days where conversation between them was lighter, their banter focused on a case, not on their personal lives.
"I won't Bones. I won't..." he answered, hearing the strain in her voice.
"Hey, you guys gonna sit in here all night or what, let's go, we're starved." Hodgins said bursting into her office.
Booth's hands flew to his glasses, pulling them back down over his eyes. "We'll be right there." He growled.
She watched Booth's demeanor change with the interruption, his face hardening as he stood, unfolding the cane. His broad shoulders tense, as his right hand extended the cane in front of him, "Are you ready to go Bones?" He asked.
"I just need to grab my coat." Brennan answered, still unable to take her eyes off of him.
He waited, listening to her movements as she shrugged on her coat, and threw her purse over her shoulder. She moved to his side, her arm pressed against his left, letting him know she was there, and instantly felt him relax.
Jared could see the relief on his brothers face, as could Angela, who had begun to give up on the pair she so desperately wanted together. Even with Bones at his side, he couldn't deny the change in mood he felt when they entered the lab from her office.
"Ange, don't get excited yet." Seeley whispered to Angela as they passed her.
"Just glad to have you around again sweetie." Angela answered back.
On the way, Booth rode with Bones, the other four in Hodgins suv. Leaving them open for more conversation.
"What did you mean when you told Angela not to get excited yet?" Brennan asked him at a red light.
"Sometimes I wonder how you get through life, missing the clues right in front of you bones. I'm blind and I could tell by the mood in the room that the sight of us together makes them happier. It makes things right. You know that, you always have. We are the center, and the center must hold." He told her still facing forward.
"How do you it, Booth, you've always been this person who can read people, who can relate, and even with this setback you can still do that. It's something I'll never be able to do..." She said, in awe of him.
"I think sometimes you see it, but you try to rationalize things, and then you lose something in the translation... it's why we fit together so well, Bones." He told her, turning his head slightly towards her.
"Did you get the message I left you the other day? About the specialist?" She said changing the subject quickly.
"Yeah... I'll go to see her Bones, but I don't want to get my hopes up." He answered, playing with the sunglasses on his face.
"I know..." She said quietly, wishing they weren't even having this conversation.
They rode in silence till they arrived at the diner, neither one ready to admit their feelings, or their fears.