Devastation- to lay waste completely. Even that word couldn't compare to what was going through my mind the countless times I'd opened my eyes since the bandages were removed, only to stare into the darkness. I knew that Dr. Hypond was talking, as were Bones and Jared, but aside from nodding my head a few times, I wasn't paying any attention. It didn't work, the surgery was unsuccessful, despite my prayers.
"Seeley? Have you heard a word I've said?" Dr. Hypond asked.
"Booth?" I heard Bones getting closer.
"It's fine, I'm fine. When can I get out of here doc?" I said, trying to keep my voice steady.
"I'd like to run a few tests before we release you, but I think tomorrow you'll be free to go. Seeley, I do believe that in time you'll gain some of your sight back, it can happen gradually as we discussed before the surgery. Don't give up just yet." the doctor answered.
"Sure Doc. Thanks for trying, but I'm not gonna hold my breath." I said.
I continued to answer them as I drew deeper into my own head, wondering how I would live my life like this. Up until this point I'd banked on getting at least something back from this surgery, not believing that this was permanent. Maybe it was karma, the universe's way of punishing me for all the things I'd done as a sniper, the lives I'd taken.
"Booth, please talk to me..." I finally heard Bones say as I felt her hand on my arm.
"Bones, I'm fine. Really. I wasn't counting on this working anyways. I just want to go home Bones, so that I can try and figure out what my options are. I'm pretty sure my time with the FBI is quickly coming to an end." I said, pulling my arm from her hand, not in the mood for pity.
"I'm sure there is a way that you could continue with the FBI. Just because you can't be in the field doesn't mean that your skills as an investigator aren't useful Booth..." she said before I could put an end to this conversation.
"Bones, don't. Just...not now." I said through gritted teeth. I wasn't ready to talk about this, let alone with her and Jared. "I need some rest guys, I didn't sleep well last night...could you come back later?"
"Seel, I know when you're lying. You are going to have to talk about this sooner or later, you know that right?" Jared asked, finally speaking up.
"Please just go, you too Bones. I have a lot on my mind and I need some space. Please." I said trying to keep myself from screaming it.
"I have some remains that need finished, but I'll be back this evening. Do you want me to bring anything?" Bones asked.
"No...." I didn't even try to argue with her, it would be pointless trying to tell her not to come.
The minute the door closed I leaned back against the pillows, realizing that even though I thought I was ready to know the outcome of my surgery, I wasn't. I wasn't ready to face a life where I would never look into her eyes again, or see my son's smile. I was never aware just how much of my life I'd taken for granted until the minute I opened my eyes to the darkness. As I lay there I thought about many things, looking down the scope at a target, the way her eyes lit up as she sang at open mic night, the day Parker was born. All those memories and thousands more swam hauntingly around in my head, the good, the bad, it didn't matter I couldn't get them to stop, even as I drifted off to sleep, they bombarded me in my dreams. I woke up tangled in the blanket, with a jolt so powerful the whole bed shook. I was covered in sweat as I thrashed about, but I could feel her hand in mine, pulling me back to the waking world.
"Booth...it was just a dream. Booth..." She said, her voice conveying her worry.
"What...I...Bones..." I stumbled for something to say.
"It's okay, you were dreaming. I'm here Booth." She kept repeating to me even as I pulled my hand away.
As much as I wanted her comfort, I didn't want her to see me like this. I wasn't supposed to be broken like this, I was supposed to be the one who comforted her, took care of her.
"What time is it Bones?" I asked not sure how long I'd been asleep.
"A quarter of ten. I've been here for almost an hour, at first I didn't want to wake you, but then you started to become agitated. What were you dreaming about Booth?" She asked me as I felt her weight on the bed beside me.
"Nothing important. Did you finish with the remains you were working on?" I questioned her, hoping that it would distract her from the topic of my nightmares.
"Yes, Ange provided an excellent rendering as well. We worked a little bit later than I would have liked but it's complete now." She answered as she pressed her shoulder to mine.
All the time I'd wished for this closeness with her, and here I was not sure if I could handle it. I let out a sigh, turning my body slightly towards hers unable to resist, and gently reached for her face. Placing my thumb lightly on her cheek, I then let my fingers trace the bridge of her nose, the shape of her lips, her jawline, as I pictured her face in my mind, until finally I brought her face closer to mine.
"Bones, I'm not ready to live the rest of my life without seeing your face..." I whispered, before I kissed her.
She didn't leave that night until almost 2a.m. Spending that time just holding her in my arms was better medicine than anything I could have asked for. I awoke the next morning ready to go home, ready to figure out how I was going to return to as close to normal as I could.
October 1st, 2010 Hoover Building
"I find it hard to believe that you didn't hear anything... I mean all that noise coming from the alley as you closed up the kitchen, just a wall between you and where we found Ms. Salan's remains." I asked my fingers flying over the copy of his statement inside the folder.
I could hear him fidgeting in the seat across from me, his fingers nervously tapping on the table, the way he shifted his body. "I swear I didn't hear anything man, the dishwasher was running through it's last cycle, and I was filling the sugars and salts. Maybe I zoned out..." Walter said again matching his original statement.
"The state of Ms. Salan's remains suggests that she was shot three times before she died, at close range. There's no way you didn't hear the gunshots Walter. Martin was in the dining room and he heard them. There's something you're not telling me." I said, waiting for him to slip up.
A month after returning to the interrogation room, and I still didn't have the upper hand that I had before, I couldn't read their body language, I had to go on the tone of voice, or sounds of nervousness now. It was hard to be as intimidating too, sure I could walk into the room, and the suspect wouldn't have a clue about my blindness, until I sat down, dark glasses still hiding eyes that didn't see a speck of light, or when I felt around the table as I got up... little clues that I was impaired.
"Agent Booth, I'm telling you everything I know, it was a year ago, it's not like I knew I was going to have to remember every detail about that night. I want a lawyer." Walter blurted out.
"Fine..." I spit at him, closing the file in front of me, then feeling for the edge of the table so I could storm out.
"Agent Booth?... You really are blind aren't you?" He laughed as I slammed the door, running straight into someone.
"I'm sorry... I ...sorry." I sputtered out.
"Agent Booth, I was just coming to tell you that there is a visitor in your office." Mike informed me.
"Thanks Mike, sorry again for almost running you over." I said, wondering if it was her in my office.
I tried not to let the excitement creep into my mind as I slowly made my way back to my office after I left Sweets in the monitoring room. I hadn't seen her in almost two weeks and it was two weeks too long. She left for India to identify remains, and we hadn't parted on good terms. As well I as was at pretending that not being in the field didn't bother me, Bones could see right through me. We'd been fighting for a while before the opportunity to go came up, and when it did, she barely hesitated in saying yes. I missed the smell of her shampoo in my apartment, and I missed the way knew me so well. More than that I missed the way her body fit so perfectly with mine, the comfort of her kisses, or the way only she could make me feel for a moment that I wasn't broken. Nothing was right without her.
"Booth, jeez I've been waiting for almost twenty minutes." Hodgins said jokingly.
"Hey Hodgins, what's up?" I asked, masking the disappointment.
"We haven't seen you around since Brennan left for India, Angie is getting worried man. She's convinced that you're hiding out." Jack said honestly.
"No, why would I be hiding out... I'm still working out the kinks Jack, that's all. You can tell her that I'm fine. No need to worry." I said, knowing that I was only treading water.
"Sure, I mean you look fine, you're acting like you're fine, but man, you can't fool us. We know you too well Booth. What happened before she left?" He asked as I fidgeted with the pen on my desk.
"Hodgins, I don't have time to do this with you now. Do you see all these files here, they all need reviewed, and I have three transcripts to review from my current cases. It's not as easy as it looks, it takes me twice the time to do all this than it did before." I said my jaw tightening.
"Alright, but listen, we're all going to the founding fathers tonight, you should meet us there. I mean it Booth, we all miss you." Hodgins said, as I heard him stand to leave.
"If I can get through some of this, I will. But I won't get anything done if you don't get out of here." I said.
I waited till the door to my office closed and then I removed my sunglasses, pinched the bridge of my nose and placed the glasses back on my face. When the computer told me it was five thirty I sighed, having only gotten through half of the stack of files I was reviewing, and one transcript, I was tired. I called for a car to take me home and gathered my jacket and cane before heading out of my office. Just before getting in the car my phone rang, it was Angela, and I almost didn't answer, but just before voicemail picked up I gave in and said hello.
"Booth, I know you're not going straight home, you are meeting us at the founding fathers right?" She said, more of a statement than a question.
"Listen Ange, I'm tired, I've had a very long day and I just want to go home and relax, I don't feel like being therapized tonight." I answered back as I closed the car door.
"I promise we won't therapize you, just come have a few drinks with your friends. Please." She whined.
"Fine, one drink. I'll see you soon Ange." I said, loosening my tie, wondering when I became so gullible.
My phone rang again as I was walking into the bar, this time it was Parker, so I stayed outside.
"Hey little man!" I said happy to hear his voice.
"I hate mom. She is sooo mean daddy!" he almost screamed into the phone.
"Parker, don't talk about your mother like that. Put her on the phone please." I said, as much as I don't agree with rebecca from time to time, I knew my son needed to respect her.
"Seeley, I am not being unreasonable here. You won't believe what he did at school today. Honestly, I don't believe it myself. I've just gotten home from the meeting with his principal." She rambled, not telling me what it was that he actually did.
"Beccs, what did he do?" I asked once she'd finished.
"First he was in a fight, then he threatened the little boy. After that he kicked the teacher that separated them. Seeley they are talking about expelling him, right now he's suspended... he's only in second grade!!" She squealed at me.
"Rebecca, I understand that you are upset, and angry with him, but he's a little boy and little boys fight sometimes and sometimes they don't act how we want them to act. We need to come up with the proper punishment and I'll definitely sit down and talk with him about why what he did was wrong. As for the school, the only thing we can do is wait it out until they make their decision. How long is he suspended for?" I tried to reason with her.
"Five days. And it's out of school, what if he gets suspended? This is the only elementary close enough to our house Seeley..." She said.
"We'll figure it out when we come to that point Beccs. I can take a few days off but that's it, I can't do the whole five days. Can we split it up?" I asked.
"Can Temperance watch him the other days? I'm in the middle of a trial, there is no way I can take time right now." She said, unaware of Bone's trip.
"Uh, she's out of town. I'll figure something out Rebecca, when are you dropping him off, and when do we need to meet with the school again?" I asked, still standing outside the founding fathers.
"Oh, when does she get back Seel? Is Jared going to be around?" She asked me nervously
"Listen Rebecca, we will be fine. I've had him on the weekends with no problems. I don't get why you're still worried. I'm blind Beccs not incompetent!" I said getting angry.
"I'm sorry Seeley, I just know how much of a handful he can be sometimes... I'll bring him by in the morning on my way into work, and the next meeting is on friday at three." she said.
"Okay put him on the phone before I hang up please..." I said waiting for him to come on. "Parker listen buddy, we are going to have a nice long talk tomorrow when you get here okay. And you need to respect your mother. She isn't being mean, she's being a good mom, I wouldn't be letting you play xbox either."
"But dad..." He whined.
"No buts, Uncle Jared is going to disconnect the playstation at my place too. And no DS either. Don't even bring it with you. You'll have plenty of work to make up for missing so many days. I love you little man, I'll see you in the morning." I said before we hung up.
Before I joined my friends I called in to the bureau to let them know I'd be taking the rest of the week off so that I could be with my son. I stood for a moment imagining what the next few days would hold, lots of homework for Parker and lots of worrying for me. Sure I told Rebecca I could handle it, but I still had doubts of my own. She was right, since the explosion I hadn't spent more than a few hours alone with Parker at a time, either Bones or Jared had always been there. I heard familiar footsteps getting closer to me, Angela was approaching.
"Booth, what are you doing out here? I'm running behind, but everyone else should be in there already." She said, placing her hand on my forearm, to lead me in.
"Have you talked to her Ange?" I asked, desperate to know when she was returning.
"Yeah sweetie, I talked to her yesterday..." She said her voice sad. "She hasn't called you?"
"No. We didn't really leave things good between us before she left. Did she tell you when she's coming back?" I asked as we entered the building.
"She gets in on wednesday... Hey guys sorry it took me so long to finish up, but I had to send the final sketch to Brennan." Angela said, placing my hand on a chair so I could sit down.
"Booth. It's been too long since we all met up for drinks, where have you been hiding?" Cam asked.
"It's only been a few weeks and I've been kinda busy with work..." I answered, thinking how it felt good to be missed.
Three drinks later, Angela was not far from my side where she'd been all evening, reminding me how lonely I would be once I got home. Even after two weeks, I wasn't used to being alone at night anymore. I was used to evenings in with Bones, nights with her body pressed to mine, and mornings filled with new beginnings, without her I was slowly spiraling back to depression. I'd rather have the fighting than nothing at all.