A/N: This chapter contains some sexiness. It's toward the end though, and some important things happen in the mean time. Fair warning.
Something was different. She could feel it in the fibre of her bones, in the pulse of her blood, in the chaotic firing of her nervous system as the last rumble of collapsing girders shook the tiny room they were storming and the hysterical screaming of enemies caught in the rubble of steel and sparking cables slowly were cut off by short, decisive blasts of gunfire. A single blast of biotic energy had done that, propelling a shrieking man in Eclipse armour through the air, shattering his body and killing him almost instantly. The armour, broken by the impact, had been what sliced through the ceiling, shattering supports and cutting electrical cables until a huge portion of the roof had simply given way on top of their attackers. All that had been left for her team mates to do was clean up, as she stepped around the stacked storage bins and chambered another round in her shotgun. She did not bother replacing the thermal clip, she had only used one bullet.
"Is it just me, or do are these guys actually getting easier to kill?" She asked, glancing over at Tali and Jack who were picking their way over the pile of debris now blocking the door. She kicked a shattered, blood-spattered helmet out of her way as she moved to follow them, her boot sinking into something soft that she pointedly did not look down at as she climbed over rafters and skirted an aggressively sparking cable as thick as her arm.
"It's just you." Jack grumbled, obviously upset at having missed out on what had promised to be good carnage when they had broken into the room and discovered the surprise squad. "Fuck Shepard, I've never seen this side of you before. You're moving faster and harder, your biotics are getting more badass by the day, and you don't even seem to blink as you tear people apart with them. If you'd been like this the whole time, taking out Collectors would have been a lot more fun."
Shepard shook her head and hooked her hands onto the door frame before sliding feet first through the narrow passage left open between the top of the door and the five foot pile of junk metal. Her boots sent a hollow ringing noise up and down the hallway as she landed, and she glanced both ways, noting close corners and lots of doors. Ideal for close combat, which was what their little threesome excelled at more than anything else. She adjusted her grip on the gun and motioned them forward with a flick of her helmeted head.
"She's right, Shepard." Tali commented, her voice quiet and cautious as it always was in combat situations. Her large, pale eyes shone through the opaque glass of her helmet and met those of her commander as they made their way to the first door. Shepard hit the holopad with one fist and the door slid open, revealing a stark, empty room. "You are getting better. More powerful."
"You were the one that dared me to get my Eclipse bounty to a million credits. I'm just trying really hard." Shepard replied, repeating the process on the next door they came to and finding a small card table and chairs set up. Abandoned poker chips littered the table and she flipped over one of the pairs of cards set on either side of the pot. "Someone was bluffing." She grinned as she picked up the data pad someone had left on the table and uploaded its contents to the Normandy data banks. She would have EDI pick through it later, sort out the junk from the things they could use. It was amazing, the sorts of useful odds and ends one could pick up in that fashion.
"You're already almost there." She pointed out. "Six hundred thousand credits dead, eight hundred thousand alive."
"Well we did attack that frigate in the Sarrla system and space, what was it, seven hundred kilograms of red sand? What did EDI say that much was worth?" Shepard pointed out as they continued the less-than-enthralling task of combing the poorly guarded compound. Occasionally they would find swag, or drugs that Shepard marked on her map for later disposal, but most of the rooms were barren cells, eight feet by eight feet with no windows or distinguishing characteristics. By the time they found another hallway, her mind was itching with the need to move on. They made their way down it, the flare of red light indicating a locked door ahead.
"Approximately seventeen million eight hundred thousand credits." EDI responded promptly. "For Eclipse alone. That figure does not take into account the loss of profit for vendors and intermediaries."
"Hell, I'm honestly surprised there hasn't been an assassination attempt yet." Shepard replied. "Then again, I guess it's hard to assassinate someone who never shows up anywhere but at your front door with her gun already drawn. It would be hard to sneak onboard the Normandy, especially when she's cloaked and hanging in the middle of space."
She bent down in front of the circuit board for the locked door as Jack and Tali took point positions, pressed up against the narrow slivers of the steel walls flanking the wide door. Shepard activated her barrier with a thought and a flare of blue fire in her eyes, and when the door slid open the first panicked shots of their attackers flattened themselves ineffectually against it.
"Maybe they figure they can't hire an assassin for more than the bounty they're already offering." Tali reasoned as she released her combat drone among the rocket troops hiding behind the meaty shield of disorganized frontlines men. "I wouldn't want to meet the man who charges eighty five hundred thousand credits a kill."
Shepard grinned. "I would." She replied, before swinging around the corner and peppering the assembled troops with blasts of buckshot. Jack sent a wave of pulsing biotics at them as they struggled to reciprocate, screaming wordlessly at each other in an attempt to form up a rank. The turret behind them swivelled from side to side as Tali's omnitool glowed bright orange and a moment later it was delivering a devastating wave of bullets into their obviously surprised backs. As the narrow passage filled with the sounds and smells of death Shepard released a handful of spinning biotic energy that tore a man nearly in half as it connected, sending him spinning back in a curtain of blood. She cocked her head to the side as she watched him land and slide away in a jumble of broken bones and torn flesh, leaving a sticky crimson trail in his wake.
"I think you guys are right. I didn't even notice it before, but my biotics are getting stronger." She bit her lip as she wondered why that might be. Maybe all the meditation she had found herself doing, consciously and unconsciously, was having more of an effect on her than she had previously thought. After a moment, she shrugged, dismissing the quandary for now. "Oh well. I'm not going to complain."
She smashed the turret to pieces with another blast of biotic energy, now that their opponents were dead. As they picked their way through the bodies, moving steadily forward, she wondered how high her biotic abilities could really go. She had always used them as an asset to a gun, not as a primary means of attack and defence, but she had found herself using them more and more lately. She was sure she was as powerful as Kaidan had been when they started working together on the Normandy, maybe even more so. It was strange, but as she had said, not unwelcome. She needed all the edge she could get, the steadily mounting Eclipse bounty being a fun thing to joke about to lighten the mood during ground assaults but something quite different when she was forming strategy or thinking alone in her quarters as she sought sleep. It was just one of many concerns that continued to make sleep difficult.
It was easier now, at least easier than it had been, with fewer night terrors filling her mouth with sticky bile and coating her with cold sweat. But stress took its own kind of toll on everyone, and doctor Chakwas had pointedly refused to give her anymore sleeping pills when she had asked. This had made her angry at first, until she realized that it was precisely because of that attitude that the doctor had decided not to give her any. Now, when dark thoughts or anxiety kept her awake her only choice was to try to meditate or resign herself to working and hoping that her mind would eventually clear itself and allow her to drift off. Irritating, but manageable.
There were other things that were both more and less easy to deal with, at least on a day to day basis. She could feel her thoughts wander to the cold absence of her drell… boyfriend? Lover? Gentleman caller? Whatever he was, he had not been around much since their last conversation. He still perfected the brutally effective combat unit she had formed with Garrus, and thus she had often brought him on missions where they had performed with the emotionless professionalism that typified life-long soldiers. Their combat was just as fluid, just as full of the unspoken synchrony that had made it what it was. Only the shuttle rides had been awkward, Garrus tapping his boots against the floor in an effort to lessen the intense silence that hung between them. Shepard had eventually started just staring out the window the entire time, not trusting herself to make eye contact with either of them. It was always a relief to clamber out and kill things, if only to release the tension that collected throughout her muscles during the ride. Almost a month had passed, and he gave her no answer, still locked in his personal battle. She was beginning to lose hope.
Hope for what? It was a question she did not want to answer, not even in her own inner monologues. She wanted him to be happy, of course, and would support whatever decision he made with that in mind. But her heart, and her body, longed for him to give in to what she was offering, to come back to the warmth of her arms and her bed. The thought of her own selfishness brought a frown to her face as a new wave of enemies surged around the corner, led by a military looking woman with iron gray hair and a long scar streaking down the left side of her face. She let out a long battle cry at the sight of their invading party and Jack trilled her response as the narrow hallway erupted into a sea of bullets and noise.
The blue flare of her biotic barriers absorbed waves of bullets as Shepard darted ahead, swinging her heavy krogan shotgun in an arch before her. Toppling one with a blast to the kneecap sent him reeling into the sights of his companions, who roared and thrashed in an effort to get around him. She rounded on the commander as she came running forward, shoulder tucked in and made rough contact with the side of her chest. Shepard felt her armour absorb most of the heavy impact of her elbow in her gut and heard it crack solidly against the other woman's shoulder. She sank the butt of her gun into her gut and heaved forward, tossing her to the ground. She swung the shotgun down to her as she shook her head, pupils dilated and out of focus.
"Don't-" She managed before a gale of lead erased her face. Shepard stepped over the headless, spasming corpse and unleashed a heaving biotic shockwave that tore up the hallway, tossing mercenaries in the air like rag dolls. Jack and Tali stood on either side and effortlessly double-tapped the bodies that came thudding back down, denting the steel floors. Shepard leaned to the side and rubbed the back of her neck under the helmet, one eyebrow cocked at the mess they had made.
"Ten points." Jack breathed, sounding impressed. Shepard made a face at her, but did not argue. She glanced back at the body of the commander and breathed a sigh of disgust, stomping over and kicking the body in the shoulder. As the ruin of her throat and lower jaw lolled to the side she saw the embossing on the shoulder that had been painted over with the typical dark orange of Eclipse. Blood ran along the grooves of the N7, making it stand out all the more and she holstered her shotgun at the small of her back.
"EDI, this woman is wearing N7 armour." She pressed her hand against the side of her helmet to seal the sound cancelling silicone around her ear. There was a moment of silence and the AI spoke softly in her ear.
"Records show that this ship, the Abraham, is captained by a formal Alliance general by the name of Shirley Prescott. She was an N7 of some renown, who was declared missing in action and spent a year isolated on a foreign planet before she managed to send a distress signal. When she returned she was deemed unstable by the Alliance and relieved of duty." Shepard scratched at her forehead as she looked down at the body. Prescott sounded familiar, and after a moment EDI confirmed it. "She was the captain of the Melaka Ru garrison, the five men and women who held off a rogue krogan invasion."
"A goddamn hero." Shepard breathed. "Fuck, we learnt her anti-krogan close combat manoeuvres in Command School."
"Indeed, they are studied by all organized military operations." EDI confirmed. "It seems she abandoned the Alliance after they ruled her as unstable, claiming they had no grounds for their ruling. The details of it are highly classified, however, so I cannot determine whether there was any validity to that claim."
The irony did not escape her as she turned away from the rapidly cooling body. The fallen hero, defamed by all who knew her was a role that Shepard knew well but there was no time to dwell on such dark signs now. She had the rest of this base to clear out, and a dozen colonies to review before she could make her next move. She would think of it tonight, as the stars passed ceaselessly past the window overhead and she played her fleeting game with rest.
"See if you can find anything more about her if you have the time EDI." She said, ejecting her thermal clip and retrieving a new one from the ammo packs mounted on her thighs. It slid in with a satisfying click that kept her mind focused tightly on the task at hand. She had become expert at this, this careful cancelling of emotional responses. It was natural to keep the world at arms length when most people you encountered ended up with their brains all over the floor.
"Of course. Also, Thane is asking to see you as you return to the ship. He says the matter is quite urgent." She paused at that, the purr of EDI's computerized voice sending ripples of dread through her focused battle calm. She shook herself once and squared her shoulders, not sure what to think of that and unwilling to lose herself in thoughts of it.
"Tell him to wait for me in my quarters. I'll see him as soon as I get back." She ordered, before tapping the radio to signal the end of the conversation. They pressed ahead, eliminating the last three engineers that crouched in the next room without much trouble. They fought with the grim, lock-jawed determination of dead men, none of them making so much as a sound as they were gunned down and torn apart by blue fire. Shepard stepped over their bodies to raid the terminals for information and hack a banking terminal, funnelling dirty money into accounts that would build evaporators and schools on distant, thus far victimized world. Jack's moniker of Robin Hood had not been misplaced, only a small percentage of the mercenary funds went into Shepard's own account. She had killed so many Eclipse by this point that even her slim takings had accumulated into more than enough to keep the ship running smoothly.
As they piled back into the shuttle, Tali began to take her shotgun apart and clean it on impulse and Jack sat with her legs stretched over the seat and picked distractedly at her teeth. After a moment she shot Shepard a thoughtful look and turned, letting her boots rest on the floor, and put her hands on her knees.
"So, trouble in paradise Boss Lady?" She asked, cocking one eyebrow over her large, eternally predatory eyes. Shepard, who had been rubbing the sweat out of her now shoulder-length and hair looked up at her with no humour in her orange and black eyes. Her lips twitched and she looked back down at her boots.
"That's really none of your business." She said quietly. Jack, undeterred, just grinned and leaned back, crossing her arms over her chest.
"Trouble in bed maybe? I always heard drell were a handful in the sack, but Krios looks like a bit of wet blanket. Or maybe a limp one, hey?" She seemed to delight putting her commander on the spot in this fashion. "Though you were gone for twenty hours that time, so maybe-"
"Thane is just fine in the sack." Shepard snapped. "More than fine. I said it was none of your business, Jack."
The hardness of her tone managed to get the other woman to reel it in, and silence stretched once more in the small room. Tali looked between the two of them and paused as though she might say something but Shepard just shook her head and snapped her helmet back in place. The visor hid her eyes and made it easy to pretend she did not notice the looks that passed between them as she crossed her arms and tapped one foot against the floor of the shuttle. Luckily, the Normandy was already passing close overhead, the shuttle bay door yawning wide to receive them. Moments later she was standing, one foot on the first step of the ramp before it had even finished lowering itself. As she climbed down the ramp and headed for the stairs up to the engineering deck, the young quarian hurried up beside her.
"Shepard, I wanted to talk to you." She said, lacing her fingers in front of her and glancing over her shoulder at Jack in a nervous way. Shepard glanced over and felt a finger of irritation jabbing at the back of her brain, making the slightest of frowns touch the middle of her forehead. It seemed like every time she squared away the slightest problem, the moment she took care of anything, there was another issue cropping up that seemed to demand her and only her. She raised one hand as they came to the door that led to Tali's station in engineering.
"Can it wait please? I already have someone who needs to see me 'right away'." The other woman hesitated and then nodded slowly, the expressionless glass of her helmet making it ever impossible to determine what she was thinking or feeling. Quarians had always been described as an emotionally eloquent people, going into extreme detail on the subject of their emotions to compensate for the fact they could not visually express themselves. Tali had always been on the quiet side though, always holding a little bit of herself back. Shepard realized now, that she never really knew what she was thinking.
\
"Of course. I understand." She said, her voice flat and monotone. Shepard felt a twinge of concern, but she had already made a promise. She was probably just stressed, she reasoned as the three of them parted ways, each heading to their own nook of the ship to unwind and clean up after the hard, bloody battle. Shepard waited until she was safe in the elevator before she pulled her helmet off and took a few deep, calming breaths. She hesitated before reaching out and instructing the elevator to take her to the loft. Had she not just been wishing that he would reach out to her? Had she not been angry at him for holding back? Why this hesitation now, when he was urgent to see her?
She knew the answer when the door slid quietly open in the small hall outside her door. Fear. She stepped out of the elevator hearing it rushing in the back of her mind, a mindless stream of stomach-churning panic. She dreaded what might be said in there, what he might have chosen. Surely he would not have waited this long, only to tell her now that he had decided her wanted to be with her after all. She took another deep breath, tightening her core muscles and attempting to keep her shoulders steady. She would do this gracefully, make it as easy on the both of them as possible. There would be time for trembling and sagging when she was alone.
"Thane?" He turned from the window as she spoke his name, as though broken from deep thought. She knew instantly that this was not about them and the circling question of what it was that existed between them. His eyes were sharp, hard and slightly desperate. Something was very wrong and as he moved forward with the smooth, predatory gate he used during combat she knew that he was close to the edge.
"Shepard. Something has gone wrong with Kolyat on the Citadel. He has been accused of murdering that criminal we interrogated, Elias Kelham." His voice was quick, full of tense energy as he paced in front of her, between the blank wall and her empty fish tanks. His gaze, when it flickered to her as she put her helmet down on the desk, was wracked with worry. He looked almost pale.
"Who would have a reason to frame Kolyat?" She asked. He shook his head and raised both hands helplessly at the question, the futility of it obviously frustrating. She sighed and hit the yellow nodes that held the air-tight seal on her gauntlets and under layer. It made a faint hissing sound as cool air rushed in, gelling the hot sweat lingering on her skin as she tugged them down her arms and laid them on the desk beside her helmet. "What did he say?"
"Not much, he was in shock. Just that C-Sec had him in custody and that Bailey was working on getting him out. Elias was killed four hours ago, but no one will tell him how or where. They haven't checked his alibi or charged him with anything formally. Yet." He began pacing again, his steps quick, full of explosive energy.
"Joker?" She called into the heights of the low ceiling. After a moment the pilots sarcastic drawl crackled over the intercom, emanating from unseen speakers.
"Yes, commander?" He asked. "How might we serve the great White Knight of the Terminus Systems?"
"You can set a course for the Citadel." She instructed crisply. "By the quickest route possible."
"Aye, aye ma'am. I know people are longing to take in the elcor Hamlet they've got playing there." The pilot replied. She could hear him rolling his eyes as clearly as though she was standing beside him in the cock pit. She allowed the briefest of smiles to touch her lips at the image, and turned back to Thane with a nod.
"We'll find out what's going on with your son, Thane." She promised. "I won't let anything happen to him."
"Thank you." He sounded relieved, as though he had not been sure what to expect from her and she just nodded again. Now that they had removed the greatest urgency from the air they were faced with the twelve plus hours it would take to navigate to the Citadel from their current position. Shepard knew she should be reviewing strategy, confirming garrison strength and answering messages from the various heads of colonies that were now relying on her for information or protection. But she just wanted to be with him, to make sure he was alright, to soothe his obviously troubled mind. The distance between them seemed so huge though, and she knew this was not the time to pursue the question of their relationship.
"If you need anything…" She began, and stopped, not wanting to pressure him. After a moment she shrugged, the weight of her armour making her shoulders ache with the simple action. She reached up and pressed the yellow nodes holding it in place, twisting them out of their moorings until they released their snug grip and she could slide the heavy metal plates off, letting them fall to the floor. Sighing, she unzipped her under layer to her belt and scratched at an itch nestled between her ribs as she cracked her neck. "Well… you know where I am."
He nodded, taking a step closer to her and she could still not read what was happening on his face. There was the usual worry, the strain that pulled his brows down over his large eyes, making him look almost sleepy. But the intensity of his gaze bespoke his own kind of want, a need that was physical as much as emotional. She felt her skin prickle under his gaze, the air suddenly cold against the golden brown skin exposed by her open zipper, an unbroken stripe from throat to navel. Her under layer had better support built into it than any bra could hope to rival.
"I should go." He said finally, but when he moved it only brought him closer to her. She did not budge, just met his eyes as he stopped an arms length away from her. They looked at each other for a long moment, both of them hesitating on the edge of what they wanted and what they needed to do.
"You don't have to." She said finally. "You-"
She did not get to finish that thought, because he was suddenly pulling her against him, and pushing her backwards in the same motion as his head darted down and she felt his mouth close over hers. Her arms folded over his shoulders, drawing him closer as his tongue surged forward, pressing into her mouth with undisguised desperation. She felt her desk hit the back of her thighs and he was lifting her up, setting her down on top of it and pushing away anything that got in their way as he wedged himself between her thighs. She felt him suck her bottom lip into his mouth and bite down as she sighed, her head falling back. He laced his fingers into her hair and kissed her chin, the soft place behind her ear, the curve of her neck scented with the bitter salt of battle. She ran her hands across the back of his head, down his neck, and across his shoulder as he bit down on her neck, making an aggressive sound in the back of his throat and she gasped at the sudden sharp sting.
"Thane…" She sighed his name as he pulled the tight fitting under layer down her arms, cold air rushing in to touch her everywhere, making her skin prickle and sing. When he touched her again his hands were like tracks of fire, melting and splitting the cold that gripped her. One hand circled her breast and she felt him grip her nipple, twisting it sharply between his fingers and pressing his hips into hers every time she gasped and moaned. His other hand twisted her mostly discarded under layer behind her back, locking her wrists in a knot of fabric. "Are you..?"
"Shepard." He looked up only briefly from the curve of her neck as he skated his hand down her stomach, across the tensing lines of her abdomen. "Please. Don't say anything."
She could only nod as she felt his tongue drop back to her throat, skating down the line of her jugular vein. She could feel him press close, sensing the pulse of her heart under her flushed skin and he bit down over the warmth of her life blood, shuddering as her strong legs wrapped around his hips. She could feel how badly he wanted her, how badly he needed her, already and despite what misgivings she might have if she were to think about it rationally her own mindless physical demands were taking over. Despite everything that told her this was the wrong decision to make she pressed herself forward, up into the wet heat of his mouth as he bent slightly at the knees, both arms falling to hold her hands in place behind her back as he nuzzled the cloth away from her breast and sucked her nipple into his mouth, flickering his tongue over it until it hardened and then moving to the other. She heard herself beginning to curse as he brushed his smooth, flat teeth over her and nipped, hard enough to draw a sharp gasp from her lips and send a tremor down her spine to her hot, wet core. She tried to pull her arms out of the firm knots he had twisted in the reinforced cloth around her wrists but he held her in place with one hand as he stood and pulled her belt open with the other.
He managed to work her armour open wide enough to slide his hand down, over the thin cotton of the small pair of underwear which was all she ever wore under all her armour. He had as little trouble finding the centre of her female pleasure as he had the first time, parting the folds of her sex to stroke her with unerring dexterity. She gasped, and struggled against his grip on her again, wanting to tear at his clothes, to wrap her arms around his neck and hold on as he slid his fingers down, exploring her fully and then back up, stroking her in quick circles that made her entire body tremble against him. Her eyes slid closed at the explosive sensations mingled with the warmth of his psychotropic kisses spreading through her mind. The cold all around her contrasted with the heat of his body and her own sweltering arousal and made every touch of his lips against her goose pimpled neck and breasts almost as powerful as the work of his fingers below. When he pushed the soaking fabric of her panties aside and slid his finger into her she threw her head back and moaned his name helplessly, her body spasming around him.
She wondered how someone who had never had a human lover before could know exactly where to touch her to drive her pleasure to such heights. Her forehead fell against his shoulder, her thighs tensing and trembling on either side of his hips as he mercilessly drove her forward, her breath coming in short, heavy gasps as hot sweat beaded across her forehead. He slipped his conjoined fingers inside her and she groaned, trying to pull her arms out of his grip one more time only to have him growl and tighten his hold, pulling her back and latching into her neck as she exposed it to him, the sudden slight pain of his teeth closing over her pushing her closer to the edge. She writhed, gasping his name as his tongue flickered across her throat and down over her shoulder where he bit her again, gentler this time. It made no difference, she was so far gone that anything he did could have finished her, and she cried out, almost sobbing as he quickened his pace and was there, smashing into her orgasm with such force that her hips lifted off the desk and he finally lost his grip on her. Tugging her arms free she wrapped them around his neck and hung suspended against his body, trembling until he finally pulled his hand away from her and the aftershocks became manageable. She slumped back against her desk, the medal of honour she kept framed beside her console digging suddenly into her back.
He was not interested in waiting, waiting would allow the reality of what they were doing to sink in too far, would make them realize what a terrible decision they were making. It was pure physical need that drove him to pick her up again and carry her with swift, eager speed to the bed. The soft light of the barren fish tanks caught on the sweaty sheen of her skin and the curls of her hair as he tossed her down, painting her golden body in shades of blue. She grabbed frantically at the armour nodes that were still clamped in place on her thighs, knees and boots, heavy metal plates falling away as she kicked out of her under layer and panties. As she finally clawed her left boot off, the entire process made harder by the fact that the hallucinations were on her again, making the edges and details of everything distant and indistinct he was beside her on the bed, turning her over onto her stomach as she struggled to get her swimming head in order. She grabbed onto the headboard as he pulled her to her knees, remembering Mordin's excessively helpful scientific diagrams that had told her this was more common for unmarried drell than face-to-face intercourse.
She squeezed her eyes closed as she felt him slide into her and heard his heavy grunt of pleasure, his hands tightening on her hips as he paused for a moment and then began to move. There was nothing tender or gentle in their coupling, no dark need warring for priority with their deep affection for each other. The situation was too strange, too complex to be further complicated with emotions. He reached for her shoulder and then, after a moment of thought, grabbed a handful of her hair to hold her in place she shuddered and felt her fingers clench on the head board, knuckles burning as he pushed harder and faster against her, moving against all the right places but somehow doing nothing for her. As his grip tightened, yanking her head back slightly and he moaned she felt her teeth grit and opened her eyes, staring out the wide, panoramic windows at the deep void of space. She could hear his breath coming faster as he leaned over her, faster and harder, faster and harder, until she could feel nothing but a distant ache where he was pounding into her again and again. He did not last long, which surprised neither of them, and by the time he let her go and slid out of her she was already past the hard adrenaline and need of the moment and deeply into her regret.
As she turned onto her side and folded her arms around herself she heard him sigh and fall on top of the blanket in similar numb exhaustion. After a moment she heard him turn to look at her and make a small, wordless sound of concern.
"Did I hurt you?" He asked, and she felt his hand on her hip, trying to turn her over. She did not let him, just continued to stare at the fish tanks. The sway and waver of the fake plants in the water was strangely bleak, the traces they left through the lifeless water catching her eyes and holding them steadily. She could not let her concentration break, not now when she was so close to a hundred intense and conflicted emotion.
"No." She answered, her voice hollow and empty to her own ears.
He hesitated a moment, and then she heard him get up, the bed shifting as his weight left it. She squeezed her eyes closed and curled her legs up until she was mimicking the fetal position. The air seemed brutally cold to her, and she realized she was shivering slightly, but she did not have the energy to make it under the blankets. She could feel him looking at her and wanted him to just put his clothes on and get out so she could scream and throw things and be angry. The flicker of rage building in her chest was the only heat left in her, and she latched onto it, shivering transitioning seamlessly into a helpless, angry trembling. After a moment the bed bent under his weight again and she felt his hands on her, suddenly gentle again.
"I'm sorry." He whispered against her hair, running his hand gently down her side, to the place where his grip would leave bruises against her hip bones.
She wanted him to go, to get out, so she could give in to the mindless anger and frustration that was possessing her mind. But after a moment she just sighed and felt her body gradually let go, the rage slipping slowly away in the face of his sincerity. She deserved better than this. She deserved an answer, she deserved to know how she stood with him, what he wanted, but as ever her self-important entitlements and anger ended up just fading away in the face of how much she cared for him, how thoroughly she understood what it was like to war with your spiritual side. She let him wrap his arms around her and pull her against his chest. She felt his tears fall, warm against the curve of her neck as he gripped her tightly against his chest and buried his face in her hair.
"I'm sorry." He said again and she just shook her head, relieving them both of the need to speak any longer. The stars flew mindlessly by all around them, cold and distant and pointless despite their monumental size and nuclear fires. The only warmth she felt was his heart pressed against her back, his grief against her neck as he faded slowly out, his grip relaxing and his breath becoming steady. She did not sleep, just laid awake and watched the universe pass all around her,