Her eyes were aching when she finally leaned back in her seat and closed the mind-bogglingly long list of her personal messages. Her head was pounding, and she squeezed the throbbing bridge of her nose between two fingers as she took a deep breath and pushed herself to her feet. It had been eight hours since her ill-fated liaison with Thane and her inner muscles still ached so fiercely that it made walking normally difficult. She forced herself not to adopt the awkward but more comfortable crab-walk she had been forced to use earlier as she made her way into the bathroom for something to take the edge off her headache. She had already seen the damage that could do.
The look on his face still brought a flicker of worry to her eyes when she remembered it. She had gotten up to get a glass of water, bruises already darkening to purple along her hip bones and cleaned herself up, thinking that Thane's overpowering exhaustion afforded her a little privacy. Although he had not done any real damage, the discomfort had driven her to wincing and swearing as she made her way down the stairs. She had not noticed him watching her, a lifetime of his own wars making him as light a sleeper as she. When she had finally seen him, and seen the look of absolute self-disgust on his face, it had been far too late to reassure him.
He had dressed quickly, deaf to her vain attempts to assure him it was not really that bad, that she was as much to blame for it as him. As he shrugged his jacket on, he had turned to look at her very briefly.
"I'm sorry." He had said, sounding as dead as he had the day she met him in the tower overlooking the skyline of Nos Astra. "For everything."
And he had left. She had not seen him since. There was work to be done, garrisons had to be mobilized to defend themselves in her absence from the immediate systems. Vysery, and a few others, seemed confident in their abilities to defend themselves, their colonies already reaping the rich rewards of their alliance with her. Others were more difficult to assure, and she had spent hours spoon-feeding them positive reinforcement as her frustration grew to breaking point. Now, finally, she had squared as much of that away as was possible and she could relax. For another four hours, before she had to go help Thane save his son again.
She was not looking forward to that mission. She was not looking forward to the inevitable lull in action that would come with Rapid Transit and stakeouts and the whole manner of calm pockets amid the inevitable chaos of life. She had a feeling they would make the tomb-like silences of the shuttle rides in the last while seem like cordial banter.
"Shepard, Tali would like to know if you have time to speak with her now." EDI chimed, appearing at the console on the far side of the room. Shepard swore violently at herself for having forgotten that Tali needed to see her and sighed, rubbing fiercely at her red, tired eyes.
"Tell her I'll be there in five minutes." Shepard instructed. She took a long moment to breath deeply, the rhythmic expansion of her rib cage and lungs settling a kind of temporary calm over her troubled thoughts. She did not have time for proper meditation, so a few deep breaths would have to do. Squaring her shoulders, she left her room and the protective cocoon of calm it afforded her and headed toward the elevator and the next burden that demanded her personal attention.
She found Tali in her usual space in engineering, her fingers frozen above the keypad as she stared blankly at something that existed well beyond the steel wall in front of her. Data pads and tools were scattered across her normally immaculate workstation, projects and repairs that had been picked up and abandoned when something else caught the normally focused young quarian's attention span. Shepard raised an eyebrow and cleared her throat into a cupped hand. The sound made Tali jump and turn suddenly, hands raised in positions of surprise. When she caught the grin on Shepard's face she dropped them and put them on her hips, striking a pose that was clearly unimpressed.
"Daydreaming?" Shepard asked, coming up beside her and glancing at the engine schematics flashing across the screen. Ceaseless columns of numbers that made no sense to her seemed to read like a language to Tali and the engineers. The quarian saved and closed her work before responding, the console fading into its inactive mode as she waved one two fingered hand and led her commander away from the main engineering deck. Shepard wondered where they were going, as Tali led her wordlessly out into the main hall and down to the unoccupied cargo hold. By the time she stopped, looking out over the rows of neatly stacked and meticulously labelled crates Shepard's curiosity was burning out of control.
"Shepard, there's something important I need to tell you." She said finally, not turning to face her. Her posture was rigid, full of nervous energy that reminded Shepard of how Thane had stood, hours earlier, before telling her about Kolyat. She stepped closer, coming up beside her old friend. "You've been declared an enemy of the Migrant Fleet."
It took a moment for that to sink in, it was nothing she had even begun to expect. She blinked once, and devoted a long moment of thought to all the possible reasons this could have come to pass. Nothing sprang to mind and she ran her fingers through her shoulder-length curls and put one hand on her hip. "Um. Okay. Why?" She asked finally.
"They haven't told me. Quarians never send information over unsecured channels, especially not into the ships of the people they're declaring enemies." She turned to face her again. "All they said was that you were compromising the safety of the Fleet."
Shepard leaned against a towering stack of ammunition reserves, shoving her hands in her pockets as she wracked her mind for anything that might have brought this about. She could feel Tali's eyes on her, but could only shrug helplessly as she met her gaze again. "I don't know what to tell you Tali. Only that I would never jeopardize the Migrant Fleet."
"I know you wouldn't." The other woman replied, sounding so confident that it sent a stab of vivid emotion through Shepard's chest. She smiled slightly and stood straighter as Tali continued. "But I can't convince the Admirals of it while standing on your ship half a galaxy away from them."
"Or if you fly in there on her." Shepard nodded her understanding. "So you want to take another ship there, and see if you can convince them?"
"The alternative would be exile. Without a trial, this time." Tali replied, sounding like she was struggling not to laugh and cry at the same time. No doubt it was difficult for her, being accused of treason not once but twice, when she loved her people so unconditionally. She shook her head after a moment, one hand balling into a tight fist against her thigh, her luminescent eyes narrowing to slits of angry frustration. "But I know where I belong. I'm a member of your crew Shepard. You are my family, and what we're doing is too important for me to turn my back on. I got used to the idea of exile the first time around, this time it isn't nearly as daunting. I'll do whatever you need me to do."
Shepard stared blankly at the young woman in front of her, remembering when she first met the masked alien in an alley painted with blood, lost in the red light and senseless noise of the Wards. It had seemed a gambit, taking along someone who had appeared to her as scarcely more than a child at the time, but she had seen something there. Something special. She had never expected that something to become this. This confident, strong woman in front of her, this deep and unmovable friendship that anchored her in the tempest of all that raged around her. After a moment she nodded, and swallowed hard, assembling a plan of action.
"The trust and stability of the Migrant Fleet is important, for you, for me and for the galaxy, especially when the Reapers get here." She mused, rubbing at her often-broken nose as she paced back and forth in the narrow lanes between the cargo. "And the only way I can defend myself against these charges is if I know what they are. When we dock in the Citadel I want you to charter an independent ship to take you to the Migrant Fleet, find out everything you can and relay the information to me on the Normandy. We'll build our strategy from there, hopefully one that involves each of us getting back on friendly terms with the Admirals."
Tali nodded, her shoulders relaxing a little bit as she breathed a sigh of relief that rattled through the scrubbers installed in her helmet. "Thanks, Shepard. Hopefully all it'll take is another stirring speech to clear our names."
They smiled at each other, or at least Shepard was pretty sure they did, and she put one arm affectionately over the quarians shoulders as they left the cargo bay. "Leave it all up to me." She assured her. "If a rousing speech from the White Knight of the Terminus Systems doesn't light a metaphorical fire under them, I'm sure an actual fire will get the job done just as well."
Tali gave her a sly, sideways look from the depths of her opaque helmet as they made their way slowly down the hallway. "If I didn't know you better, Shepard, I'd day you liked that nickname." She commented, sounding amused. Her eyes widened as Shepard shrugged her shoulders, not denying it.
"I can't complain. Like I said, it sure as shit beats 'the Butcher of Torfan'." She made a face, as though she had smelt or tasted something foul as they came abreast of the doorway leading back to Tali's station in engineering and paused. Tali crossed her arms over her slight chest and cocked her head to the side inquisitively.
"No one calls you that. Not after everything you've done." She scoffed, sounding completely horrified at the idea that anyone could. Shepard just shook her head, wondering how Tali had managed to keep such an optimistic view of other people intact after all these years of fighting the worst the galaxy had to offer.
"Not to my face. Or to yours, knowing what we are to each other. But people still know the name, they still use it when they want to throw my mistakes back in my face, or remind me that I'm only human. And even when they don't say it, I can see it. In their eyes." She sighed. "Or maybe I just think I do, because I see it so clearly in my own mind. Either way, it's nice to think I'm being remembered for some of the good I'm doing now, rather than the evil I did all those years ago. And even the White Knight isn't as stupid and corny as the Saviour of the Citadel."
They both laughed, a mixture of amusement and bitter irony at the memory of what that title meant to her now. It was sour, a tattered mantle set upon her shoulders by people who had sold her out and abandoned her before her corpse was even cold. This new moniker was something she could use, could shape to her own will. She was no longer the political hot-button, the poster child, the fabricated symbol cooked up by media experts to deceive and manipulate the public. She nodded firmly at her friend, her jaw setting as she thought about that.
"Are you heading back up to see Thane?" Tali asked, as Shepard automatically headed to the elevator. She paused, one hand raised to activate the holopad and then turned slowly around. The smile was gone from her face and she faced Tali with grave stoicism. The quarian seemed bemused, taking a concerned step forward. "Sorry, did I hit a sensitive spot? I just thought…" She trailed off. "I don't know what I thought. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked."
"No." Shepard held up a hand, stalling her retreat. "No, it's fine. Well, it's not fine, but that's not your fault. It's just gotten really… complicated. I'm not really sure what to do about it anymore, and it…"
Tali waited for her to finish as she struggled with words, indefinable feelings welling up in her chest like lead weights. She had no way to describe exactly how conflicted she was, her frustration steadily mounting against her apparently boundless affection for him, his emotional distance mingled with their irresistible magnetism. As the silence dragged on, growing heavy, she blasted a helpless sigh through her nose and dropped her head into one hand, squeezing at the aching bump rising out of the centre of her nose.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Tali asked finally. Shepard looked up, one black and orange eye glowing between her fingers. After a moment she nodded, wordlessly. Tali seemed to hesitate, as though she had not really expected her offer to be accepted. After a moment she motioned Shepard back toward the cargo hold, the one place in the ship where no one ever went without a reason. Once inside, she climbed up on top of a stack of supplies and sat down, her legs awkwardly folded in front of her, arms crossed and resting on her knees. Shepard flopped out on her back, bracing her legs against another, taller stack of crates beside them and stretched her arms out. She felt stretched, her exhausted bones straining against her skin, like she could drop off right there with nothing more than a little bit of peace and quiet.
"So what's going on?" Tali asked after a moment of silence. Shepard closed her eyes and after a moment of thought folded one of her hands over it. When light shone through her eyelids her eternally vigilant mechanical eyes often tried to focus on the tiny shadows of blood vessels. "Garrus said you were happy."
"I was." Shepard replied, not able to stop the small smile that perked at her lips at the mention of Garrus. "But things have changed."
She was not sure how long she talked, describing the empty confusion of her torturous first days after waking up in the Lazarus Project science station and the dull apathy that had gradually taken its place. She described not knowing what she was fighting for, of the deadness that had possessed her, the hopelessness she had struggled with even as they fought their way across the Terminus Systems, even as they destroyed the Collectors and sailed victoriously home. None of it had mattered to her.
"I was waiting to die again." She finished finally. "I didn't know it at the time, but that's all life was to me. Time ticking by, so slowly, so painfully, as I waited for everything to end."
"I had no idea." Tali said, the first words she had offered since Shepard had begun her long explanation. "But that's not the way it is anymore? You're better now?"
"Somewhat. It's hard." Shepard replied, opening her eyes finally and looking over at her friend who was watching her with large, luminescent round eyes. "I just try to take it one day at a time. Sometimes everything seems so hopeless it's hard to get out of bed in the morning. But I keep going, because finally there's something in my life that's worth fighting for. Worth living for. And he doesn't… it's the same for him. But he doesn't know if he really wants it."
"So you're afraid if you lose him you'll go back to how you were?" Tali asked, keenly. Shepard sighed after a moment and shook her head, brushing soft, half-formed curls of yellow hair out of her eyes.
"I don't know. Maybe. Mostly I just want to hold onto this feeling. The feeling of having something valuable in my own life, of having a vested interest in what happens to the galaxy. I can't live for everyone else all the time, Tali. I… I want something that's for me." She sighed again. "And I want him to be happy, to do what's right for him. Because I love him, and people always want what's best for the ones they love. It's complicated, like I said."
Tali nodded. "I know all about complicated relationships." She said, sounding suddenly exhausted. Shepard pushed herself to her elbows, studying her with keen dark eyes.
"What do you mean? Garrus treats you right doesn't he?" She asked.
"Of course he does." Tali replied, waving one two-fingered hand in dismissal of her concerned tone. "But it's hard you know? Trying to be close to someone when there's always a mask, a suit and a wall of tech separating you from the outside world. Well, you don't know."
"I know what it's like to have walls." Shepard replied. After a moment, Tali nodded her understanding and the two of them sat in silence, each wrapped in dark thoughts.
"Maybe you should take a few days off when we dock on the Citadel." Shepard suggested suddenly. "You can charter a ship and spend a few days with Garrus while it gets itself ready. Take in the elcor Hamlet Joker keeps cracking jokes about."
Tali turned back to her, looking startled. "Do we have time for that?" She asked.
Shepard shrugged. "It's gotten to the point that a couple days isn't really going to make a difference either way. Everyone could use some shore leave. It's been months since most of the people onboard have set foot on real ground. Not the Citadel has a lot of it, but at least it's better than staying on the ship for another year. The war with the Reapers isn't going to go to shit just because we let our hair down for a couple days." She sounded like she was trying to convince herself more than her friend, but she had always been the type of person who found it difficult to hope for the best.
"Well… yeah. That would be nice." She could hear the smile in the other woman's voice and she swung down off the stacked supplies. Where nervous energy had made her twitchy and rigid before she now seemed to loosen, her shoulders relaxing and her clenched hands unfurling. She looked happier than anyone had in days, maybe even weeks. Shepard dragged herself down after her, glad that at least one of them had gotten something good out of this talk. As they left the cargo bay and both headed toward the elevator they managed to divert from serious talk, chatting about Citadel attractions and dextro-restaurants that the two of them might want to try.
"Shepard, about Thane." Tali cut in as they arrived on the crew deck, turning toward her with sudden seriousness. Shepard rubbed at her neck and met her eyes after a moment of hesitation. "I think… everything you said to me. About feeling dead, about having nothing to live for until you found… whatever it is you want to call it that exists between you. Tell him that. So at least if he wants to walk away he knows what it is he's walking away from."
"Tell the guy I love him?" Shepard asked, her laughter humourless and dark. "What happens if he does walk away after that? Doesn't leave a lot of room for us to go back to being just friends." Tali nodded in agreement.
"Not really, no. But can you really do that anyway? Wouldn't you rather go on, knowing that you did everything you could?" When her friend could not respond she just put one hand gently on her shoulder. "Just think about it. It's better to end things like this without any regrets."
As she stepped out of the elevator and Shepard hit the button that would lift her back to her own quarters she did think about that, at least somewhat. Suddenly, she was exhausted, her internal muscles aching in time with her pounding head. When she made her way out, toward her quarters, she was thinking only about rest. She could feel the heaviness of it on her eyes, pulling her feet down until her toes scuffed against the floor. When the door to her quarters whooshed open, expelling a gust of cool air, she relished the feeling of it prickling along her skin and let a small, tired smile touch her lips. It froze, and then melted away when she saw who was standing at her desk, righting the toppled frame in which resided her medal of honour.
"Thane." She said softly, and he turned to look at her. "I didn't expect to see you again so soon. Lately there seems to be weeks between our conversations."
"Indeed." He agreed softly, folding his hands behind his back. "But I did not think it right to leave… this… situation. At least not the way I did this morning."
"You said you were sorry. Repeatedly." She reminded him. "And I already said you didn't do anything wrong. For fucks sake, Krios, I like it rough sometimes. A few little bruises is nothing to lose your shit over."
"But you didn't like it." He pointed out. "And I knew that, but I kept going."
"Yeah, well, it happens." She replied. "People lose control, they do things they regret. They apologize, they're forgiven and they move on. Stronger. That's just what happens, it's a part of life. Clinging to your guilt doesn't make anything any better for anyone. Trust me, I know."
He paused, looking like he had expected anything but that to come out of her and quirked one scaly brow. As she stepped forward he stepped away, to the side, so they ended up just circling each other, each trying to get some gauge of the situation. Eventually they stopped and Shepard leaned back against her desk, crossing her arms and fixing him with her unwavering mechanical gaze. He shifted under her scrutiny but did not look away.
"It doesn't happen to me." He said finally. "I don't lose control. Not like that."
"Obviously, you do." She cut in, her voice hard. "That doesn't make you special, or horrible. It just makes you…" She paused, a wry smile on her lips. "Well, I was going to say human. But it just makes you a person, Thane. Everyone makes mistakes. It's up to us to help each other through them, to help each other grow and learn from them, so that we can grow as people. We can't do it alone."
"I've done it alone my entire life." He insisted, his voice flaring with sudden passion. "Everything I've encountered I've overcome without the slightest flicker of emotional complication. It's who I am."
"You hated who you were when I met you. You said you were dead, an empty shell going through the mechanical functions of life." She replied. It was remarkably easy for her to stay calm, thinking back to what Tali had said. She could not change what he was going to do, the choices he was going to make. She could only say what she wanted and needed to say and hope it was enough. "Every time we talk like this you tell me you don't want to go back to that. But here we are, having this same stupid conversation again. What's the fucking point? Do you want me or not? Are you dead or alive?"
She had not noticed that she had stepped forward until he grabbed onto her, his hands circling her wrists as her hands came up to touch him. The hot, spicy smell of him was on her again, filling her mind as completely as his hallucinogenic kisses. His dark eyes were open wide, the blush of green touching their centre once more. They stared at each other for a long moment, emotions flying through the air more effectively than words could.
"Of course I want you." He replied finally. "Why do you think I keep coming back here, back to you, knowing how painful it will inevitably be? The longer I'm away from you the more you possess me. My mind is full of you, the way you smell, the way you taste, the heat of you." He pulled her forward, against him.
"Then what are you so fucking scared of?" Shepard hissed, her hands balling into fists against his chest. He said nothing, bowing his head and she felt his grip on her wrists loosen and eventually he released her entirely. She did not move away, did not move forward. She felt his tears falling, onto her hands this time, and finally reached one hand up to cup his cheek. For a moment it seemed like he might flinch away from her, but in the end he stayed frozen in place, staring down.
"The last time I loved someone it drove me to do terrible things. Unforgivable things." He said. "I'm scared of dying and having to face the burden they left on my soul. More than that, I'm scared that you will die and I will do the same thing again. I would have, if you had died on Mindoir. I would have done everything all over again."
"You don't know that. Caught in the heavy emotions of seeing someone you care about almost die you think all sorts of things, make all sorts of rash decisions you never carry through on when the adrenaline settles. You don't know what you would have done, because I didn't die. Just accept that." She said, sighing and putting her head in her hands. She took a moment to gather her thoughts and looked up. "Even if you did decide to kill everyone, Garrus would have stopped you. Or Tali. Or, fuck, Jacob and Miranda. You aren't alone anymore, Thane. Or at least you don't have to be. Not if you don't want to be. I… look. There's nothing more I can do. I just…" She took another deep breath. Tali was right, if she was going to go on with no regrets she had to just suck it up and say it. If he still wanted to walk away, then at least she would know she had done everything she could.
"I love you. I want what's best for you. So you can make whatever choice you need to, but in the end you know as well as I do that fading back to sleep isn't what you want. And it isn't for the best. Not for anyone. So if you really want to do the right thing then stay here. Stay with me. Help me, and let me help you." His large eyes widened and she had to force herself not to look away from the intensity of his gaze.
"I don't know how." He said, bitterness infusing his voice. "I don't know how to be like you, Shepard. Siha. I don't know how to be a hero."
"I'm not asking you to be a hero." She replied. "I'm just asking you to be here. To be with me. That's all I've ever wanted, Rama. All I've ever needed. Just let yourself be alive, and let me love you."
His arms were around her, she realized, and he was holding her so tightly it seemed odd that she had barely noticed before. He buried his face in the warm curve of her neck and she wrapped her arms around his shoulders and held him close. His breath was ragged with need, and he shuddered with the intensity of his emotions as he clung to her as she squeezed her eyes closed and stroked the back of his head gently.
"I pulled away so I could stop myself from loving you." He said softly, pulling back and looking at her through dark, hooded eyes. "But it was already too late. I can't do it. I can't go back, I can't fade into my battle sleep, I can't slip away into the simplicity of not feeling. I already loved you, Siha. And it has just become more powerful."
She smiled, really smiled, for the first time in so long that it felt like her face had forgotten how. After the briefest moment, he managed to smile back, and she cupped his face in her hands, running her thumbs gently over the ridges of her scales. It was wonderful to hear him say it, to finally slip out of the uncertain limbo of their relationship and onto more solid footing. Wonderful, and terrifying. Soldiers loving each other was discouraged in the Alliance for reasons beyond simple protocol, and she knew it. But still, she laughed and threw her arms around his neck as he ran his hands down her back.
"You never even told me what that means." She said as they made their way down to her living quarters. She was too exhausted, and still much too sore, for any sort of physical intimacy but she did not even have to explain that. As she sprawled out on her bed and he shrugged out of his jacket before crawling in next to her she knew that there was no such expectation. He simply pulled her into his arms again, his fingers sliding under her shirt to trace the valley of her waist and the indent of her belly button. She kicked her boots off, over the side of the bed, and sighed, stretching her toes and curling up against his chest.
"The Siha are warrior angels, aspected to the goddess Arashu. In drell lore they appear as women dressed in white, with the fires of the sun burning in their eyes. Fierce, noble protectors of the good and the innocent. Avatars of wrath." He whispered, stroking her hair, the soft warmth of all her human differences.
"You're a sap." She teased as she inhaled his deep, exotic scent. It seemed so familiar to her now, so right. It had been strange to go so long without it. She traced his hand against her stomach, splaying her fingers along his and measuring the differences between them. Green on gold, rough soldiers calluses alongside his smooth scales. "A great big adorable sap."
"We match." He rumbled, sounding amused. She would have said something else, but her eyes slid closed sleep was suddenly on her again. Even when he shifted and drew her closer, burying his face in her hair as he sought his own rest she did not wake. As they slept, they curled even tighter together, a knot of warmth in the face of the cold all around them.