Journal entry N° 37- Klunk compilation.

The secret entries.

For the sake of all feline kind, I, Klunk, have decided to keep a diary of my adventures in hopes that someday the cats of the world learn from my teachings and experience. Follow this diary and you will find yourself on your way to conquer the world.

Warning: Results may vary.

Dear diary:

Leader and Genius have brought boxes, clearly a peace offering for submitting me to the bath torture last night. If they think I'm that easily convinced they will not do it again they are wrong.

Cats of the world, if your caretakers try to bribe you with gifts like this, you ignore them. Avoid temptation by going the other way, hide under the couch or take longer naps.

Just do not show interest on those boxes… even though they would make a fine castle…

Oh boy. This is going to be harder than I thought.

…

Dear diary:

Grouchy left bacon on the table for exactly twenty two minutes. Who in his right mind leaves such a glorious treat like that go cold? As the responsible cat overlord that I am, I ate it all. It was delicious… even if it was icy cold… but Grouchy did not seem to appreciate my sacrifice.

Cats of the world, when there's food on the table it does not mean it was meant for you.

Crazy, I know, but this way you will avoid your caretakers humiliating you with stupid terms like "bad kitty", "silly fluff ball", etc.

Revenge shall be mine, Grouchy. You just wait.

…

Dear diary:

This female living with my caretakers had been, so far, tolerable.

She speaks the language of my people, pets me with both hands and rubs my belly exactly ten times- just the way I like it- but lately she has become a nuisance.

For example, remember my revenge on Grouchy? Well, she cleaned up the perfectly shaped hairball I had left on his bike's seat and he didn't even get to see it.

But it doesn't end there… she hid my catnip so I can no longer spread it all over the floor, put my toys inside a box and only gives me one to play for the day- what a crime- and, what I consider is the worst disrespectful act against feline kind, she has revealed to everyone the exact spot on my head that will turn me to mush when scratched.

What the hell, lady. That was supposed to be our secret.

…

Dear diary:

I do not know if I'm going crazy but I think the female "Who" might be spying on me just to rat me out. If that's the case then she does not leave me a choice. She will have to be banned from the feline community.

I mean, who else would've known about my nightly escapades? The only one I've told about it is her. Cat-dad doesn't understand the feline dialect so, no point on trying there.

Cats of the world, do not trust humans entirely. They will use whatever information they can collect from you and use it against your furry butts.

…

Dear diary:

The caretakers have left at last.

After running all over the place for an hour, I decided to slumber in the forbidden couch, the fitting nap place for a king like me.

When I woke up, I spotted one of the toys I believed forgotten under the wall of bright boxes. It is a tight squeeze but with my athletic abilities, I am certain I will grab it without a problem.

Wish me luck.

…

Dear diary:

I have been put in jail.

I failed to notice the giant rodent was still in the house and heard when the wall of bright boxes came down after I caught my toy. Was it worth it, you may ask? Sadly, no. No, it wasn't. Soon as I caught it I remembered why I had hidden it in the first place.

It squeaks. I hate it when toys squeak.

Cat-dad was furious when he discovered the path of destruction my epic quest left and so here I am. No pets, no belly rubs… no toys and… no wet food.

Feline brothers and sisters, do not despair. Klunk, your cat overlord, will remain strong. Until then… wish me luck.

Here come Leader and Genius. It's bath time.

Be strong, Klunk. Be strong.

End of Journal entry N°37

…

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Crazy cat lady me? Nonsense.

I just talk to cats and they answer me, no big deal.