Journal entry N° 38- Gender, Schmender.
"Logical answer aside: what makes a girl: a 'girl' and what makes a boy: a 'boy'? Do you know? Are you sure?
What if I told you there's a boy in every girl and a girl in every boy? Would you believe me? Would you judge and criticize like you've been taught to by society or… would you stop for a moment, think and make your own concept?
Can you give me an honest answer?
Well, can you?"
…
Today was one of those days when Who's body decided to rebel and form an alliance with her closet and mirror to make her feel miserable. Looking at the mirror, she noticed the pile of discarded clothes behind her had grown bigger and yet there she stood in her underwear. Undecided. Uncomfortable.
Her eyes went over her reflection again, inspecting every inch of skin starting from her toes. Those looked nice and clean. Her legs needed a good shave, again; didn't waste her time looking for a thigh gap that would never be there, admired the pattern on her panties and chuckled at the beauty mark resting over her belly button for no reason at all. Her exploration stopped once she made it to her bra and somehow she knew that was it. That was the problem. Not the torture device disguised as lacy lingerie itself but what it held in its sweaty, cottoned confines: her breasts.
She failed to understand women's need to make those bigger, failed to comprehend men's obsession with those lumps of flesh, tissue and fat, and didn't quite get society's stupidity when it came to those debates of whether a mother should breastfeed in public or not. It was all nonsense really. She fucking hated her own sometimes. They hurt during her period, made her the center of attention whenever she picked a top that hugged her figure and with that, made her the target of men and their unwanted commentaries.
The thought alone made her grit her teeth, enraged. Men were really filthy animals; all it took for them to show their true nature was a jogging young woman in a tank top and yoga pants which they took as a sign to spew their venom hidden behind "compliments" at her.
She stood swiftly and unclasped her bra, throwing it over her shoulder as she walked to her drawer and it didn't take long for her to find what she was looking for. Brand new, black as she'd picked from the website and still inside its plastic bag a chest binder rested in Who's hands. She'd been wanting one from the moment her breasts stopped growing but was always discouraged by one whom she believed would support her but instead desired to groom her as if she was a priceless collection doll getting ready to be sold off to the best bidder, to men like those who'd been catcalling her so insistently earlier.
Who loved being a woman, loved the perks of being part of the feminine side but sometimes she grew tired of the constant prep job which drove her to try her hand at being less… womanly.
Everyone around her understood. But her mother hadn't.
"Whoey? Brought you lunch, girl. You in there?"
The distraught girl was so deep in her thoughts that she failed to notice the orange masked ninja entering her room shell first, with a food tray on his hands. Her bare back was turned at the door which gave her time to grab a shirt to cover her nakedness. Didn't bother to find pants, though. They'd seen her ass in a bathing suit before so panties were no different.
"Whoa… and you guys say my room is a mess!"
The girl allowed herself a tiny smile at the commentary. "Hey Mike, sorry I missed lunch. Couldn't find something to wear"
"Well, I'd say the same in this chaos" Mikey chuckled, leaving the tray on the bed. "What happened? Did your closet explode or something?"
She shrugged. "More or less, yes"
"Need a hand stuffing it again?"
"You wanna help me clean up? Mikey, are you sure you're ok?"
"There are two things I can't tolerate being mistreated, sister: comic books and clothing!" Mikey replied raising two of his three fingers. "And art supplies which makes that three things but you get the idea"
Who nodded, grabbing some shirts from the floor. "Fair enough"
They carried out the task in silence which was odd for the overly enthusiastic ninja but Who suspected Mikey had sensed she wasn't in a talking mood.
"Cool binder, dudette! How come you never use it?"
Her blood went cold when she saw the bag on Mikey's hands. Without any explanation, she snatched the small package and shoved it back inside the drawer.
"You know that could make training with Splinter way easier, right? Keep the girls out of the way if you know what I mean"
Who avoided Mikey's eyes, her back turned at him as she continued folding clothes. "I didn't buy it for training purposes"
"Then may I suggest this shirt when you try it on for the first time?" Mikey showed her a black shirt with blue swirl pattern on the side, made to be worn by a teen boy but bought by mistake thinking it belonged to the girls department.
"I can find you a pair of denims to go with this but you have to let me borrow a dress or two. By the way, you have too many skinny jeans and leggings to pull off the boyish look" Mikey said, grabbing a couple of discarded dresses and checking himself out in the mirror.
"… come again?"
"Girl, if you're feeling boy day hitting you hard, you're gonna need the full look. Otherwise you'll look like a hot mess and you'll hate yourself the rest of the day. Once I tried just wearing a top with my training gear and oh my gosh… it was TERRIBLE!"
"Wait, hold up. You're… a crossdresser or something?" Who asked. "This isn't one of your pranks, is it?"
"Nope. I'm gender fluid!" Mikey said proudly. The dark haired girl gave him a dumbfounded look which made his eyes roll. "I know I know: 'How's that possible, Mikey? You're a ninja and a hunk of a turtle, this is not right and it's messing up with my headcanon! You must be confused'. I've heard them all already but do your worst if you want"
The girl shook her head. "I wasn't going to say that at all. I'm just… I had no idea. I thought you didn't like dressing up as a girl"
"I never said that. I just don't like certain colors clashing with my style. You see, my mask is a slight darker shade of orange and I am not wearing a different shade or the same color especially if it clashes with something that's supposed to be a neutral accessory. Is that too much to ask?" Mikey finished explaining, hands resting on his hips.
"Ok, now you have to start from the beginning. How did you know you were gender fluid?"
And so the joyful ninja's tale began.
He told her of the harsh winters his family had to endure and how Splinter had introduced them to human clothes to protect them from the low temperatures.
He confessed his love for human clothes in general and how among all those pieces of fabric, girls' clothes were more colorful, silky and soft and became his favorite.
She felt a pang of jealousy in her heart when he told her Splinter, as observant as he is, picked up quickly what their preferences were and he would bring Mikey long flowy robes and dresses along with some pretty rad superhero shirts.
Splinter understood his son. But her mother hadn't.
As Mikey grew up, he discovered he loved chicks just like he loved pizza; he used to sneak out to look under girls' skirts, shared a secret stash of Victoria Secret's catalogs with Donnie and stole his first dirty magazine from Raph's stash when he was thirteen but from time to time, he skipped the naughty bits and looked at the models' clothes, imagining how would they look on his turtle body.
He told her of the "boy days" when he felt on top of the world, capable of doing everything his father and brothers did. During those days he was the most heroic, damsel rescuing turtle that's ever been. Then he mentioned the "girl days" when he felt a tad more sensible than the others and often made him target of their teasing and laughs and Raph's knuckle sandwiches.
"They didn't mean to hurt me" Mikey said. "It was just harmless teasing but you can't really explain that to a little kid"
Who agreed, though she wasn't sure if all she'd heard over the years was "harmless" at all. Had it been just that, perhaps she wouldn't have hurt so much.
"With time, my bros just rolled with it. Donnie learned the term, taught us about it, taught me about, and I was glad to finally know nothing was wrong with me"
"And what about Raph? Did he make fun of you?"
Mikey smiled and shrugged. "Eh, Raph will be Raph. But he doesn't tease as much; he understands this is part of who I am… and he loves me too much to make me feel bad"
"Huh, interesting. And here I thought you were just being weird"
"Donnie is weird and since we're at it, Leo is basic. I am fabulous~" The ninja ended, snapping his fingers and cocking his hip to one side.
"Sure you are, Mikey" The girl replied, covering her mouth to hide her smile. I guess that decided who the diva of the family was then… though imagining Raph with a D&G purse and a chihuahua wasn't really a good mental picture.
"It's quite convenient for missions playing the girl part, you know? And I guess it's just easier for me. I mean, c'mon… can you really see my brothers wearing a dress and a wig?" Mikey asked, lifting his arms in triumph when Who shook her head. "Yeah, I didn't think so. Now, when did you realize you were gender fluid, dudette?"
"I'm not sure if I am, really" Who sighed. "True, there are days when I feel less girly but it doesn't mean I'm not comfortable being a woman"
"Look, from my experience being gender fluid doesn't mean you're uncomfortable with one gender or the other. It's like… you exist and you decide to decorate your awesome self with whatever you feel like on certain days. You know you're still a girl; if you want to wear a binder, it's your choice. Don't let anyone take that from you, ok?"
The girl turned her face to side, meeting Mikey's soft, serene smile. The way he looked at her with the utmost sincerity and support was something she'd expected for so long from her mother but knew would be an impossible dream. To think she'd had to come all the way from South America to New York, to finally find the encouragement she yearned all those years since high school.
Although with a bit of a delay, Mikey's words were gladly welcome. "Thanks Mikey" She smiled, feeling a great relief to have that weight off her back. "I'll have that in mind"
Mikey reached over to ruffle her hair affectionately. "No problem, dudette. Now tell me, which one suits me better: the baby blue dress or the lavender one?"
…
End of Journal entry N°38
…
…
Mikey is gender fluid and pansexual in my books.
Sue me.