It has been two days since the disturbing incident in Literature class. The mere thought of me thinking those things about the bird brain makes me sicker even more than the thoughts themselves. Especially that one thought – falling in love – that scares me most. Why did I think that, anyway? I have someone to blame that onto – the girls in school.

I am unlucky – I accept that, and so I understand (kind of) that I am seated around girls in most of my classes. I could care less about their gossips just so long as they are not about me. Actually, I think I could sell school rumors since I hear them all through school hours, on all school days of the week.

On one of these days, the subject love, finally was brought up – because my seatmates being females can't prevent it.

"Hey, Mika!" Riko, one of the friends of the said girls from a higher class shouts after Kamiyo Mika, her said 'best friend' and opposite personality. When Riko Sugumiya had red, unruly hair, Kamiyo's was a darker blue-black, neat bob; they both had those bodies jerks here go after, only that Sugumiya was attractive because she's the bossy type who'd probably knock the shit out of you if she's not amused, and Kamiyo allured guys with her shy and charming character.

Mika is just turning slowly to her friend, when Riko grabs her and makes her sit on the chair a seat away from me opposite her. She is solemn, and after a pause, she asks, "Mika, what really is love?"

"What?" Kamiyo is obviously startled. Why ask that kind of question in all of a sudden? Then as though an image of the one that makes her heart flutter - it does so – passes through her mind, her face is smeared crimson. "Well, Riko…"

Sugumiya, eyes still glued on Kamiyo, her face eager, waiting patiently. Her brows are knitted together, as though love is some great mystery. Oh, but it does do the brain.

"This is only what I feel, Riko. Well you know I am shy, and you call me evasive. I really like it when he's around, Riko, but at times I ignore him. When we have a good talk in the morning, it would make up my whole day. When we fight a little, sometimes I feel like I could cry over it."

As I listen to this conversation, our lunch time yesterday comes rushing back to me. We were in our usual table, complete except for Ikki. The girls were discussing their tests as usual and the guys were talking about the canteen food.

Soon Ikki came and sat down in front of me. Everyone threw him a "hi" except for me. He looked at me, waiting for my greeting, but I did not leave my eyes off my tray. Instead, I suddenly butt in Kazu and Onigiri's conversation that at first they paused before letting me join in.

I tune back to Sugumiya and Kamiko's conversation.

"But I ignore him. Maybe because instead of showing how I care, I try to hide it as much as possible. Well I've always been like that. But it's hard."

Yesterday, Ikki then did not need wonder at my ignoring him at that moment, did not need despair over it, for at the corner of my eye, I saw Akito twine his arm around Ikki's. Ringo poked him and popped food into his mouth.

"Sometimes I imagine how it would be if I change myself completely and be bold. Then I wouldn't have to will him to talk to me first. If I feel like we haven't spoken a single word to each other for the whole day yet, I would just have to walk up to him and my day would be complete." Riko continues two seats away from me.

Lunch time passed, I made sure my hand did not brush his and stubborn as I was, I spoke not a single word to him. But dammit, I wish he would talk to me.

"I hate how unlike me this issue makes me – uncollected, aggravated, assuming and guessing. But I am happy. It keeps me happy – the way my heart races, the way the sun could shine brighter and the way it could turn dark; the way it confuses me and makes me obsessive."

I did not believe I'd ever digest the food I was eating, so I left the table. It seems as though this thing – this same thing that sent him to my dreams in the past nights - keeps me from interacting with him – and it's not the usual me avoiding him, because this time, I know, if I ever so much as poke him, I will explode. The thing inside me that woke up after months of slumber will burst. I know I wouldn't be able to keep it in. And as surprising things keep coming these days, it does not surprise me anymore that a wave of melancholy washed upon me.

"Oh Riko, do you feel that?" Kamiyo exclaims with shining eyes.

Sugumiya then looks away, eyes on the floor as though examining in there the things Kamiyo mentioned. She holds her thumb to her teeth and, looking at Kamiyo again, she says the final answer of everything: "Riko, maybe I am in love."

"Aww, Riko!" Kamiyo smiles with joy at her friend, but I grow hot and I shiver. I am stricken. Oh God, I am in love?

-:-

I am feasting over hash brown potatoes when I see Akito rush into the room, looking like he had slept in the uniform he is wearing that morning, bed hair and all. He has that tensed expression on his face, which relaxes when he gets a good look at the clock. He suddenly looks pissed off instead, though. He throws his bag which is just partially zipped on the couch. A few papers flutters out of it and lands gently on the floor.

I walk over to the papers to get them, while Akito looks inside the fridge. They are test papers, and almost all of them are failed. One is the Biology test he is scheduled to take yesterday. Akito gives out a yawn while opening his milk.

"How are the preparations for the festival so far?" I ask.

"Pretty good. We're going to make this festival perfect." Akito beams at me.

"I hope you're still catching up with your lessons," I put the papers on the table. "Kaito called. He said he is going to visit us. You know what he expects from you," I take a sip at my own milk.

"Well, yeah." Akito shrugs only.

"Akito…" I begin. But I pause. I continue again, "You know all our lives it had only been us two. We begged Kaito to let us spend our whole high school in one place someday. He agreed, but you should keep your grades up and continue to live up to his expectations. Continue…" A lump forms at my throat but I swallow it back down, "…continue what his Akito would do. Now we have this – a lunch table, classmates, and even neighbors. We now have people around us. People we can finally get the closest possible to our hearts because we know we can stay with them. We don't want to wrench them away again, do we? We don't want to leave again. I know you don't – especially when it's Ikki." My twin's golden eyes would not meet mine that were just as golden, nor does he say anything either.

"Akito," I repeat, but this time with my patience all gone, "if you are not going to set these straight," I jam at the papers, "he is going to take them all away! He is going to take Ikki away from you!"

Now I get some reaction from Akito. I notice his knuckles get whiter and whiter with each word, his grip tightening more than even on the fork. With the last word of my statement, Akito hurls the fork between us, which makes me step back. I see the veins in his neck as he screams all these words to me:"I don't care about Ikki, okay? I don't care about him anymore! I don't care about Kazu, Emily, Bucca, Ringo and the lot of you!"

I do not say anything. What is this coming to?

Bitter tears flows down from my twin's fuming eyes, but he continues. "I don't have a reason to do all these anymore. I am not anymore staying for anyone. I am not valued in there, Akito. More often than not, I feel left out. I only feel like I'm pushing myself into that table each lunch time and I am just pushed back away."

"Akito, you're not… we're not pushing you away. And if you should be, I should be, too. We act as one, we always have had we should always will!"

"Not anymore, Agito. We don't anymore feel or think the same."

"But how, why – that's not possible."

"That's because you think more of yourself now! You're selfish! Has it ever crossed your mind that I have always been doing things for the two of us? Did you ever think I could be tired? You know what, if you want to stay in this freaking place with all those people who are only your friends, then get the grades Kaito wants yourself!"

With that, my twin angrily grabs his things and runs out of the house.

Could it be true? I never think about him now? We don't feel the same now that I didn't know he felt out of place? Since when have we been divided? And why did I let it happen?

Alone in the house, finally, I weep.