Chapter 8: Longing, Loving
She was a ripple, in a sea of black. Gently dwelling in what felt like nothing. Only the sound of her deep breathing was audible, with the vibration of what sounded like a beating heart settling in the background.
She had no vision of the realm she had found herself in, but it felt peaceful. She felt calm, like she was drifting along a stream of infinity itself.
She felt herself moving, but she could not move. She felt herself breathing, but she could not breathe.
She did not know where she was, but she did not feel the need to know. She let herself float in the black sea, letting the darkness caress her.
"S-Serena..?" A whisper from afar.
A familiar whisper, but she saw nothing.
"Serena..? You can wake up now."
What was that voice?
She wanted to hear it once more.
"Serena!" It sharply hissed. She felt her entire body jolted in a sudden surge of adrenaline. She felt herself falling, plummeting through the sea of darkness into depths far blacker than she could have ever imagined. Another burst of energy pounded at her, she flinched. Panicking over what was going on. She had fallen, and now felt the ground beneath her feet.
She looked up, the world around her was faint; the room was dark, but the bed was there. Ash's bed, but Ash was not there. She was lying on the floor, lying on her side, feeling bewildered. It didn't feel like the same room she had fallen asleep in.
She sat up, trying to look around, but her eyes could not focus on what she wanted to see. Nothing would reveal itself, just the empty bed, the bed she had been closely watching for days, hoping to see the raven-haired trainer unconscious inside of it awaken. She had the fixed image of him lying there motionless frozen in her for so long that the empty bed gave her a chill. Where was he? Where had Ash gone?
She scanned around the room frantically, trying to focus her eyes, trying to see what was happening. No Clemont, no Bonnie, not even Pikachu. The other PokeBalls too were seemingly absent.
Was this... the end of Ash's fight?
She crossed her legs on the floor and hunched her back over, then bringing her knees to her chest, and burying her head. She couldn't get comfortable, she couldn't keep still. The room felt too calm. Something was missing, in fact a lot was missing. She didn't have the mind to wonder, she just let herself sit there, letting her mind draw a blank.
"Serena... are you all right down there?"
That voice again, it approached.
Nothing was making sense, except for that voice.
His voice.
She felt a tap on her shoulder.
She slowly edged her neck around. That voice was always unmistakable, because it was his voice. The one voice she had been longing to hear for so many melancholic days.
"A-As- Y-you..." She stuttered in shock, words failed her.
Nothing made sense, but in that moment she felt nothing needed to.
It was Ash.
Standing there, boldly with his familiar outfit back on. He didn't seem to have a scratch on him. Strangely, his clothes looked pristine; the marks of the storm seemed scarce.
He chuckled, scratching under his nose.
"Yeah... I finally woke up!" His voice was cheery, he seemed back to his normal self immediately. She was stunned, there he was, out of literally nothing he stood. Alive, breathing, laughing; but she was too shocked to feel any emotion, she was in pure astonishment. Suddenly, he had returned.
She opened her mouth, but words failed to arrive. She didn't know whether to laugh, cry, or scream.
"I-I thought you were gone... forever!" Her throat stammered heavily. Surprise had enveloped all of her emotions. He stepped out of the darkness, and crouched down beside her, where she was still huddled tight.
"Never give up until the end, right? All it took was a little rest after that fall, nothing serious." That assured confidence and flare came sprouting from his voice. It was so energetic, like she had heard it so many times before. He then got up and sat on the bed, and leaned back with his arms, looking up at the ceiling.
"Besides, I need to get training for my next gym badge!" He added, before looking back down at Serena. The hairs on his arms stood on end, Ash's battling spirit looked to be once again ignited. It was the typical Ash she knew. Yet it still baffled her how he could recover so miraculously. She sat up, stretching out her back, to almost square up against him, despite being significantly lower down on the floor.
"A 'little' rest? You were unconscious for days! Ash I..." She stopped herself, feeling her throat swell up at the accumulation of her raw emotions. Heavy, moist tears that had waited for a long time wanted to be released. Ash titled his head, wondering what was the matter with Serena.
"I really thought I had lost you." The quiet but sobering words silenced her. He was so close to death, so close to never waking up again, and yet he was continuing like it was nothing? Were those nights watching over him really worth it in the end?
"I missed you!" She added in a strong tone, exasperation was brewing inside of her.
Ash looked down at her again, and gazed into her eyes. She felt seized in the moment, like she was unable to break eye-contact with him.
"Yeah... about that." In an instant his typical energetic tone had descended into a soft, tentative mutter. He patted on the bed next to him, signalling for her to join him at his side.
She slowly got up, wondering where their conversation was going, wondering what he could possibly be about to say.
"... Pikachu told me." He continued, he faced the floor, his hat trying to cover his eyes. She leaned in closer at what he was seemingly uneasy about. Moreover, where even was Pikachu? More questions were being asked that answered.
"About what..?"
He paused, thought pondered.
"About how you watched over me. Every night without fail." He clenched both fists.
"I-"
She had no time to speak, as he continued.
"You changed my clothes, kept me clean, and ensured I was comfortable each night before falling asleep next to me. You also kept Pikachu and everyone happy too, you kept them believing. You kept by me the whole time."
Silence fell between the two, before Ash looked up at Serena, and gazed into her crystal clear blue eyes once more.
"... Why?" He asked.
Her heart skipped a beat, and in that moment fell out of sync with Ash's. Instead it rampaged into a frenzy of panic. Could she really tell him why? Could she really repeat what she said to Pikachu, Pancham and Braxien? Would he understand? The doubts swarmed her once more. Each second stomped past. She felt herself flushing, her face turning crimson.
Ash looked back at the floor.
"Ah, it doesn't matter." But again, he looked up at her, and tried to stare directly into her eyes.
"But thanks, Serena." He smiled warmly.
"Oh no, it's fine, really. I suppose it was just natur-" Once again he cut off her words. He began to speak to the floor, almost like it was to himself. Something had definitely changed about Ash. Something was off, he very rarely broke eye-contact so frequently.
"Noibat seems to really think of you as it's other parent now, huh...
And Pikachu really trusts you... He seems to want us to stick together."
Maybe Pikachu really did explain everything to Ash. For once she felt herself relax slightly. Maybe this more tentative Ash was for the better. Maybe he was more emotionally in tune with himself. She let herself sink into the mattress, and leaned back, stretching out her arms. Maybe at long last she had regained her reason to smile.
"Well... That's only if you don't object, Ash..." She played the tentative role this time.
He now had a wider grin on his face.
"Of course not! Actually, having you by my side all the time... it's awesome." The once cold and dark atmosphere had brightened. It was at that moment that she believed he had come back to her, that the ordeal was finally over. Maybe Ash was beginning to realise just how she felt, even if it was gradual. He too seemed more emotionally aware in himself, and maybe he too had feelings that he was previously not even aware of. Better still, she could safely believe it- she would always stick together with Ash.
He was the only thing she could focus on in the entire room, the rest had no meaning. It was nothingness. She was hooked on Ash, as the two sat there next to each other, smiling with satisfaction, and deep relief. Serena felt her eyes water, that feeling... She felt happy once more. There was nothing to wait for any more, for he was right there. He was back, and was by her side once more.
She felt it brimming, waiting to explode. Her joy, her relief.
Ash was back with her.
She had no care in controlling herself, she wanted to embrace the feeling of being overjoyed, to saviour what it feels like to be elated.
She leaned forward, and opened out her arms, suddenly jumping forward to wrap her jubilated arms around his body, to squeeze him tight with relief.
She dived in to devour him,
but there was nothing there.
She had leaned forward into nothing.
She had gazed into nothing.
Her arms never missed their target,
because there was nothing to ever hit.
There was nothing there.
The sound of thunder roared.
It was back.
This time angrier.
This time louder.
A storm had begun, and it flashed and howled and bellowed louder than her thoughts could ever imagine.
The storm was back.
She shot up- she was back in the room.
The thunder was hammering against the window, trying to get in. The darkness was there, but she was exempt from it.
She scanned around the room, her head darting at each angle. Pikachu was there, fast asleep, while a large collection of PokeBalls sat on the table.
It was very early in the morning, and still very dark.
There were no lights on, but the darkness swarmed around her, like it was covering any light she had left.
"A-Ash?" She called in distress, wondering where he had suddenly vanished to.
Her heart-rate jumped, and from within had descended into chaos.
She climbed to her feet, and scrambled to find the nearest light. The rain was clawing away at the window, dropping down like bullets in the sky. She felt the storm trying to break in; it threatened to destroy the entire fishing shack.
She desperately clambered for the nearest light switch, and yanked at the dry, crusty string, aged through the years in a delirious rush.
The room was now lit, but felt darker. She slowly looked around, and then looked back at to see Ash. He was still there. He was still asleep.
She collapsed to her knees.
"Don't tell me... It was nothing but a dream..?!" She buried her shaking head in her hands. None of it was real. Nothing Ash said had happened. Nothing had changed. He was still there, motionless, still without a conscience.
She felt her throat choke up with tears. She was being tortured. Even her mind was hurting her, leading her to believe she was in a world away from this mess. She couldn't believe it, she felt devastation in its purest form.
He lay there, motionless. Nothing but the blinking pulses within his heart, amongst the stinging silence at the dead of night. She could hear nothing. She could feel nothing. Two hearts that were merely inches apart, but were separated by infinity.
She sat by his bedside, like she had done for the whole night, and the night before, and waited. Waiting, hoping, wishing for the miraculous spark that would bring him back. She wanted to see those amber eyes gaze at her once again, she wanted to feel the energy radiate out from his tanned skin and raven hair.
She tensed, holding back the tears. She really wanted him back.
But it was no use. Ash was still a world apart, and she had been fighting her feelings for too long.
Thick, heavy tear drops gushed from her eyes, brimming and overflowing, trickling and streaming down her cheeks. They would drop off, and plummet onto the mattress, and onto the raven-haired trainer's chest. She felt the world press against her, ringing as many tears out as possible, drenching her in sorrows.
This time she threw her arms over him, holding on to him dearly, keeping him close and tight. She wrapped her arms around his waist, moving her body closer, climbing onto the mattress just so she could be by his side again. Why couldn't he just wake up? She had been emotionally driven too far. She felt desperation trying to growl within her. No matter how much she tried to extinguish it, the feeling flared furiously, she had no means of escaping it. She just really wanted him back.
No matter what he'd say, no matter what he'd do. She just wanted to hear his voice, hear his relief upon seeing Pikachu and his Pokemon once more.
She squeezed tightly onto his body, trying to warm herself, trying to make the biting cold go away.
Hope was becoming scarce. The more time ticked on the less she would feel that he was able to wake up. Maybe Ash was on his last legs, maybe this really was his final fight.
"Is this really it..?"
"Is this where I say goodbye to you... Ash?"
"How do you expect us to continue travelling on like this? Ash you can't leave us now!" She wailed, asking questions that no one would answer.
Looking up at his innocently fatigued tanned face, feeling across his cheeks, where those 'Z' marks sat.
He was drained, she was drained. She felt like a living shell, with what was left living trapped inside of the motionless boy in her arms. The more time withered on, the more she felt that she had lost herself, abandoned and trapped in the very place where she originally truly discovered herself. Her source of inspiration had faltered, and she now felt that she was fading with it; she felt herself fading with him. Three sleepless, tiring nights. The storm wanted her; sinking further into the mattress, she felt light headed, weak even.
"Ash... You can't go; not when there's so much I want to say to you."
Burying her tears down her throat, and wiping them off her cheeks, she picked up his hand, and held it tightly. Caressing it, warming it, holding it close to her heart. It previously had sudden moments where it would seemingly come to life, and make a grabbing motion. It was trying to grip something, something close. She pressed it against her chest, where her heart moved closer to the edge of her body, where he could feel it, where he could feel the rhythm, the pulses that came from her heartbeat.
"I'm still here, Ash.
… I'm still waiting for you."
She spoke softly to his hand, reassuring it she had not left, that she had not given up. On the verge of desperation, tortured by her draining energy, but still there, still fighting by his side.
She placed his hand back down onto his chest, and positioned it so that he could feel his own heart beating. Just the tiniest glimpse to himself that would assure him that he was still there, just lost within himself. Trapped in his own mind, whether he was, she pondered whether she was on her last chance to ever tell him just what she felt. How grateful she was, and just how much he meant to her. Maybe the chance would never come again.
No, such condemning thoughts were inappropriate, but they caught sight of a glimmer, and began to scream in her mind. She quickly threw both hands onto her head and shook away the thoughts.
He would wake up. Even if it took another night, or even a week. She was on her knees at it was, hiding away from the claws of the cold, staying close to him. She felt as if she had already poured all that she had into him. Once again, she thought how everything the two had was trapped inside of his still body. She felt empty, and began to ponder just why.
She attempted to get Ash to tune into his heartbeat, and hear her voice. Both hearts were once again in sync. She took her moment.
"Ash... Did I ever tell you how...
Um, how can I say it..?
This'll probably sound a bit strange, but I want you to try and listen,
and maybe, you'll understand."
She took a long intake of breath, and began to speak.
"When I found you,
you had just heroically jumped from Lumiose Tower, and practically saved the day. I watched from my TV, shocked, and amazed. I recalled everything I had first felt in an instant. I just had to see you again. After we did meet, and after you took a while to remember me, I already felt overwhelmed by how strong you were. Your bravery, your courage... Your motivation.
Previously I had been under my mother's intense tutoring, failing miserably at something I wasn't made for. It just wasn't me. Being able to feel just how passionate you were, and just why you held your dream so strongly, it was something I was inspired by. Every day travelling by your side, I felt it more, I felt more confident, and eventually... I was able to decide on my dream, and decided on who I was. That feeling... it came from you.
I felt like I found myself."
She released a large sigh, she felt as if she had spoken a fair bit, but time seemed to slow down. The storm stopped growling, only the drizzle of rain, and the fog shrouding the surroundings remained. All the focus was on Ash and her; it was like time itself had slowed down to wait, to let her release everything she had up in her mind.
"I could talk for forever, really I could, about each and ever moment that was special to me. Ever since we started travelling, you've made me feel special, like I am worth something. You kept believing in me, even when things didn't go so well. I never thought I would make such a terrible mistake in my first Showcase, and because it was the first time I had ever appeared on stage like that, everything came as a huge shock. It all happened in a flash. I felt bad, not only because I disappointed you, Clemont and Bonnie, but I quickly neglected you all shortly after. I was too caught in my own mind, my own disappointment, my own embarrassment. For a moment I felt like the failure who would fall off a Rhyhorn again each day. It was then, after I changed for something new, to restart and go for it again, I picked up your ribbon, the one you gave me, and thought about you.
The reason I had gotten so far was because of you.
The reason I'm here right now is because of you.
The ribbon you gave me... Ash, I will wear it every day for as long as I'm standing, because it was from you, because it reminds me of everything I've ever achieved, and it was because you were by my side!
It's my reason to continue, my reason to give it my all, to go for broke, and of course never give up until the end." She felt a slight smile, looking over at her ribbon, still attached to her clothes which were hanging over a nearby chair. She looked back at Ash, and tensed up. Shaking, the deeper she thought.
"But Ash... The ribbon, I don't want it to be my last ever memory of you!" She cried, loudly, and tearfully. She didn't want it to become an item to remember him by, something to mourn over. She wouldn't be able to bear it, she wouldn't be able to cope with the last traces of the boy who she felt so strongly affectionate for being worn on her chest. She wasn't ready for it, she wouldn't be able to accept it. She was not ready to say goodbye.
She continued to talk to him, hoping that somewhere he would be listening.
"It's one of the most important things that I will ever own, because it came from someone who is really important to me. Someone who I've... held feelings towards for so long."
Looking at him, the boy who held everything she admired, who had everything she had fallen in love with.
After being on the verge of giving up so many times, she could no longer hold it as a secret, not even from herself.
"Will I ever even get the chance to tell you..?" She cried, pushing her head into his chest.
She tried to get closer to him, to tap into wherever he may have the faintest glimmer of conscience.
"Ash... Please don't leave without ever understanding."
She whispered while laying her head on top of his chest, feeling his heart still slowly working along, still listening.
"I know it's never been something that you've known much about, or even cared for..."
She tried to tune in further, to wherever he may be lying, wherever he was in the very deepest depths of his mind.
"But I can't let you slip away, without knowing how it feels to truly like someone, to know fully how much they mean to you."
She placed one hand on her heart, and the other on his.
"To truly like someone, is to admire and support everything they do.
To stand by their side, and keep them going strong.
To lift them up when they're down, and to make them feel special.
To make sure they know that they're important.
When you truly like someone, you want to be close to them,
closer than friends ever get.
To be able to hold them tight, to be able to soothe their doubts and fears.
To be able to say "it's okay" when all seems ruined, to be there for them when all seems lost.
To truly like someone is to want to share yourself with them, and let them into your heart. To let them know and appreciate everything you are as a person."
Serena spoke from the very centre of her heart, leaving it open, to let him in.
"But... When you feel like you want to go further than just sharing...
When you want to give that person everything, and when you want everything back from that person,
when you feel that you want to by their side for as long as time may pass,
that's more than just liking someone.
Ash, that's called love."
She wiped away the rest of her tears.
"Now you know what love really is, what it's like to mean that much to someone. Now you know... just how I feel.
The truth is Ash... I've really liked you for so long.
Although, they say when something is taken away, you only want it more.
These past few days have felt like years, I feel like I let you slip away from me,
and so I wanted to stay by your side the whole time.
It was then I realised that I don't ever want to leave you.
What I feel for you right now...
I just wish I could say it to you.
I just wish you were awake, so I can be by your side.
Then I can truly tell you.
I just hope you can hear me Ash,
I just hope that you can hear my voice."
She felt a rush of every raw and throbbing emotion bleed from her. It was a release of everything, her last surge of energy. She had awoken in the dead of night, and was tempted into false belief by merely a dream. Her mind lingered on the thought of the moment he would wake up, even when asleep, she was hoping.
Time stopped waiting, and around her everything felt like it had sped up once again. The rain became heavier, the sky began sparring away at the earth below it once more.
She felt herself weakening further, giving into the heavy drawing of her eyelids. The blinds were being pulled over her conscience once more, sleep was calling, she needed it. Another draining day, and all of the woes of waiting. She was losing her perception, her emotions had weakened her too far. She outright refused crying herself to sleep, and scampered for one last cram of comfort before she would leave the night; she reached for his hand, and interlocked her fingers with him. A soul too tired for words only sobbed at the fatigue and despair of holding onto him ahead of another infinite night. He couldn't hear her words, but she prayed that he could feel the warmth of her hand. She tried to dry her tears, and held on especially tight, succumbing her lifeless body towards sleep, ahead of the unforeseeable morning.
Silence once again fell between the two in the room, asleep.
Just the slow, falling of rain, that dampened the world around them, drenching them further away from each other.
The rain kept falling; it was dark, yet where warmth battled cold, light battled dark, and thus, hope battled sorrow.
He was a ripple, in a sea of black. Gently dwelling in what felt like nothing.
But a voice, a voice had kept with him the whole time.
He was lost, but it called. The voice was always there.
He had no vision of the realm he had found herself in, but it felt cramped. He felt alone, like he was drifting along a stream of infinity itself with no one around. He felt himself moving, but he couldn't move. He felt himself breathing, but he couldn't breathe.
Trapped, and dare he say it: scared.
But the voice was always there.
It soothed him, and calmed him.
As time passed, it became clearer, he could understand the words being said to him, but he couldn't make out who it was.
A female voice, one that was familiar.
He would continue to listen, even though it felt far.
When he sensed it getting closer, he would use all he had to grasp towards it, to reach towards the voice.
The exasperation overwhelmed him, each grasp too short, the voice would always feel distant again.
He felt cold, and trapped, but the voice brought warmth.
He felt himself fall further in the black void each time the voice faded, but then something changed. In the midst of the darkness, the vibration of what sounded like a beating heart settled in the background.
In that moment he felt himself move, he was no longer falling, but standing.
He looked around. The darkness was still there, but he had moved from his bed. Suddenly he could move, he could breathe. Suddenly he realised that as the voice stopped calling, for a brief moment he wasn't alone in the darkness.
The voice was instead closer, in fact right in front of him.
It called his name.
His eyes focussed, and for the first time saw what was there.
Nothing made sense, except for her voice.
She sat there by his bedside,
just like she had been there the entire time.
It was Serena.
At last he wasn't alone, she had somehow found him. He sprinted, as fast as his legs that had only just returned would allow him, he ran towards the voice, he ran towards Serena.
Reaching out an arm, he once again made a grasp for her, reaching as far as his fingers would stretch, to be united with her once again.
But she vanished.
Back into the darkness, he was left there, alone.
He thought he could believe that he had escaped, he thought he could believe that he was back with his friends again.
He continued to fall, but Serena's voice again returned. She refused to give up. He strained to listen, to tap in to every single word she bestowed upon him.
She whispered words that he had never understood, but she was raw with emotion, choking on tears. She felt the sound of her beating heart speed up, and then he felt his join its tempo. He felt connected with Serena's voice.
"What it's like to truly like someone"...
"Love"...
He listened closely. He heard her crying, he heard her repeat his name. He heard her speak of everything, reiterating that she could not give up on him.
He couldn't leave her alone like that.
She had waited, she had cared for him, she had tried to tell him everything.
He wanted to return, no more could he allow her to cry. No more could he leave Serena, and all of his friends behind. He wanted to break out of the darkness, he didn't want to be alone.
He panicked, his heart beginning to race. He didn't know where to run, her voice had once again faded. He wanted to hear her voice again, he wanted to see her again.
He wanted to be with Serena.
No more could he stay in there trapped.
He conjured up all of the energy and strength he could find, and bit through the darkness. He growled at the sound of the storm trying to cave him in, and began to sprint; cutting through the void of black, small in the dark world, but powerful as he rampaged through it.
He heard her heart beating once more, and surged towards it.
He ran with all the energy she had given him,
he ran to Serena.
He leaped.
He leaped with a hand outstretched as much as the muscle could bare, he scolded the strain and grasped one last time.
He prayed his hand would be caught.
The sound of the beating heart became a vibration.
He stopped falling.
And silence fell once more.
On his chest he felt a weight, and in his hand warmness.
He noticed his hand was being held tightly,
discovering his fingers were interlocked.
He was no longer falling, for he had been caught.