Chapter 9: Realisation
A surge of blood rushed around his body, but everything was still. He felt his hand tightly gripped, and his chest pressed down into a soft, but firm mattress. He felt himself able to breathe; the air was thick, he could practically taste it, although his mouth was dry; not a drop of saliva was left in his mouth, and so with each gulp of air, the wind would send chills rustling through his throat. A despicably dry flavour settled in his stomach. He felt alert mentally, but physically he was completely drained of all energy.
He shuffled his body, the feeling had returned to all limbs; yet he was stiff, weighed down, and held tight.
A flex of each muscle, followed by a long, deep breath. He conjured up all the energy to believe. He conjured up everything he had to crack through the tired crust, to break through the thick mould, and for the first time in days, open his tired amber eyes.
His sight was hindered by thick layers of moisture; he blinked rapidly, try to make the stinging sensation soften.
The world that greeted him was blurred and hazy, dwelling as a faint background to the thundery night. He scanned around the room in confusion, trying to decipher where he was, and what was holding onto him so tightly.
He used his free hand to wipe the sleep out of his face. At last his eyes focussed.
One look, and he recalled everything.
He didn't know why he was surprised.
Hanging on tight, supporting him through each moment.
Still there, sound asleep.
It was none other than Serena.
She was lying over him, holding his hand close to her chest. She lay on her side, with an ear pressing against his heartbeat. She had a fatigued frown, and skin red raw from where tears must have fallen. Tears which had burnt into her skin, and left scars of her traumas suffered by waiting at his side for the past few days and nights. She was noticeably paler, and looked almost ghost-like. Her aura was weak, her body numb, she looked so desperately tired.
As weak as she looked, she held on, and she held on remarkably tight. Ash tried to pull his hand to see if she would move, but her fingers would not budge, they would not let Ash separate from her.
He gazed across at her slumbering body, she didn't look comfortable, although underneath her waist was another familiar sight. Pikachu was there too. He snuggled in close to Serena, looking satisfied, keeping warm. It seemed she had been keeping Pikachu close the whole time too.
He rubbed his eyes one more time. Nerves crept in. He was lying there, but this time shielded from the rain. Its sound tried to creep back into him, it felt disturbing. The sound tapped into his ears, and tried to lure him back into the fall, each slap against the window a claw attempting to claim him back into the cliff's black drop to the ground.
The rain was still relentless. It still refused to stop. But he had reason to relax. Serena was there, keeping him warm, keeping him comfortable, just like her voice always did. He had never thought she would stick by him like this, in fact he never thought anyone would ever be so concerned for him to such an extent. He was astonished; she must have been really worried.
He looked out of the window at the rain, and the darkness, and the null sense of life around him, trying to recall the words she had said to him. The more he remembered, the more he felt her sink into his chest, like his heart was melting, allowing her in. He never knew; he really had no idea she would hold on so strongly. He never thought to notice, after all, each day was effectively the same. He would venture out, make up ground on his route to the next city, and train his Pokemon along the way. It was something that had never entered his mind, not when battling and achieving his dream took up all of his internal space. Always looking forward, never before had he taken a full gaze to the side of him.
He began to realise the severity of the situation. His clothes were old and dirty. His trousers had been rolled up, while his blue jacket was hung over the back of a chair, with a huge puddle of water under it, dampening the wooden floor. He was enticed by a salty scent radiating from his own skin. He was bathed in his own dry sweat. The mattress had also been indented to match the shape of his body; he realised he had been lying there for quite a while, almost like the bed was attached to him. How long had he been there? He once again looked over at Serena.
She too looked in a bad way, which was a surprise considering she always ensured she was clean and fresh. Although this time she looked as if she had succumbed to the strains of sticking by his side. He hair was rough, clumsily pinned back at the fringe. The sorrow sleep around her eyes struck him. She really did wait for him. She really was there the whole time. He thought more deeply about her words.
The entire situation had shaken him. Recalling it all made his stomach cringe with dread. All he could remember was himself falling, hopelessly being tossed into the darkness, and then streamed along a sea of absolute nothing. He then stayed there for days. The world he was trapped in getting ever bigger, but Serena's voice was always calling out to him. He heard her cry, he heard her heart throb as she released each heavy word.
He always wanted to cry back out to her, yet at the time he had no voice.
He discovered that in this very moment, his mind wasn't on training his Pokemon. It wasn't on thinking about strategies. It wasn't even on battling.
After days of being healed by the soothing tone of her voice, and fired up by the rawness of her bleeding emotions, he discovered his mind was on Serena.
He heard her voice. He saw her in a dream. He could feel her now.
He was confused. He couldn't comprehend what he was going through.
He tried to think harder.
He tried to think what it would be like if she hadn't had been there.
He remembered the darkness, the feeling of being tamed by the bellowing roar of the storm.
Then he remembered the silence. The feeling of being alone.
No Pikachu, no Serena, no Clemont, no Bonnie, no one.
His temperature then soared.
A sudden outbreak of sweat rushed from his skin. His heart raced, pounding at his chest. He gritted his teeth, his senses sharpening. Every sound was traced by his ears, while his eyes darted around the room, adrenaline had engulfed him with one huge wave. Enveloped in a delirious trance, he lost control of himself. His breathing was short and rapid. He was panicking. The thought of it. The thought of being alone.
His vision was fading, he felt himself blacking out, no matter what he tried to do he simply could not calm down. His heart continued to race away, he couldn't catch it. That falling sensation was returning, he felt the void awaiting to swallow him up once again.
It was then he felt the grip on his hand tighten further, it was then he once again realised she was there. He wasn't alone.
"Serena..."
He uttered in the midst of releasing another heavy breath. He held her hand tighter, and felt his body ease back into the bed, with her head sinking further in his heart, slowing it down, calming him from his surge of panic.
Suddenly he felt at ease, he felt peaceful; and it was Serena who was the reason.
He couldn't exactly figure why, but he felt a small spark of comfort tingle inside of him. He realised he did not want to let go of Serena's hand. He felt safe with it. He let out a long sigh in relief. He was just happy that she was there.
His mind was beginning to think new thoughts, while his heart began to beat to a new rhythm. He felt a hint of concern, he didn't know whether he was still ill, suffering possible after-effects of his fall.
He couldn't figure out why the warmth from Serena's hand was so addictive.
He felt his body embrace the heat, a flare of energy rushing into his bones.
In fact seeing Pikachu so happy there, sleeping peacefully next to her... It felt like it was right. He felt a calmness, a sense of almost satisfied excitement.
He was no longer so cold, nor alone. His best friend Pikachu, and Serena were there for him. He then had another strange thought. One that completely baffled him. For the first time he looked at Serena, holding on snug to him, and realised that no matter how much he thought about it, he could not label her, nor see her any longer as just a 'friend'. Not even if he tried to, it just didn't fit, not any more. The notion had just collapsed; she was different, unique in a way he had never felt before. No light he had ever seen before matched the way in which he saw her now. He tried to think why. He then tried to think why he had woken up to think so differently. Surely he should be out of bed and rallying everyone up for another day of travelling? No, for once that didn't feel right. He looked back at the time on the cliff, where he rushed ahead, trying to beat the storm. The group were split up, but he insisted on still going. He insisted on continuing despite the elements refusing. Looking back, it didn't seem like such a good idea. He felt foolish, he realised he was solely responsible for the cause of all this concern, and all of the days of worrying, and fretting. His stomach sunk at the thought; even through rash decisions, Serena was still there. She still hung on to him, she even crawled to him as she was forced to face her greatest fear high up on the cliff. He made her scared, and then he made her worry herself sick with anxiety. He gulped, the realisation swelling his mind.
It was all his fault.
Yet she still stayed with him. She would never let go.
… Why?
Then he realised once again.
It could well be the same reason why he couldn't call her just a friend. He remembered her words.
"When you truly like someone, you want to be close to them,
closer than friends ever get.
To be able to hold them tight, to be able to sooth their doubts and fears.
To be able to say "it's okay" when all seems ruined, to be there for them when all seems lost."
Somewhere in his memory he had hung on to those words dearly. They stayed with him, and he was only just beginning to understand their meaning.
"Serena..." He called out softly.
"You really stayed by me the whole time, huh." He began to speak, his voice had returned to her. Now he would be the one to soothe her slumber, and dry the tears.
"I-I don't know what to say to you." Words were slipping away from him.
"I just can't believe after everything, you've stayed here with Pikachu and everyone." Guilt intruded his voice, stuttering as the thoughts of how long she had been waiting swirled around in his mind.
"I'm sorry I made you go on that cliff... And I'm sorry I've made you worry like this." He felt his throat become heavy, he felt tentative, he was doubting, and confused. Yet it wasn't the first time these feelings had crept in around Serena. It was all coming back to him. He remembered tending to her when she fainted, helping her rekindle her senses, helping her to feel relieved by his side after that scare. He realised how fragile she felt in his arms, how delicate she was to him. He realised just how important she really was.
"I guess I feel bad because... I worried someone who is very important to me.
I worried Bonnie, Clemont, Pikachu, Frogadier, Noibat, Talonflame, Hawlucha-
… and you."
He spoke ever the more softly, holding back his swelling emotions, not letting himself become weaker. He tensed.
"I'll never make you worry again."
He firmly assured, vowing to himself to never let the people close to him go through such an ordeal.
He then found himself reaching out a hand, and running her fingers through her honey-blonde hair. Despite the rough days it had been through, it felt as soft and as clean as ever. Its fragrance enticed him further the more he ran his fingers through each strand. Once again, he didn't want to let go. He didn't want to stop. He rekindled her words, whispering what she would so badly want to hear.
"It's okay, Serena. I'm all better now; I'm here."
She remained in her deep sleep, but Ash felt his hand slightly squeezed, while a glimmer of a smile appeared on her face. He watched her, seeing her face light up even for a moment made him feel a sense of happiness. In fact it was more than that, he couldn't keep denying it.
He ran his hand over her hair again, ordering it back into its previous tidy fashion. He felt a warmness brewing within himself. A feeling intriguingly new, but dangerously exciting.
It was a feeling that stemmed from her omniscient voice. For once he found himself longing, he wanted to her wake up, and see those blue orbs shine in the light with her honey-blonde hair elegantly blowing in the breeze. As the rain gushed down against the fishing shack's roof, he watched as by the window a torrent of water rushed down from the overflowing gutter. In the midst of the warmness felt being held tight by her side, he decided to trust his instinct; he knew he did not want to leave her. He knew he felt content by her side.
There was something about Serena. Something felt different to him, something he contemplated over whether he could really trust. He did not know what to think. The lack of drive to get up and get training again was beginning to fluster him, but replacing that was the feeling of content being cared for next to Serena. Once again it was his relief, an energy that had all came straight from her.
He shuddered at the notion; asking himself a question that he had never asked before.
Is Serena really more than a friend?
His heart skipped a beat upon realising that she was starting to fit her own criteria of what she said happened when you 'truly like' someone.
The nerves kicked his stomach further. Maybe it was happening, just like she said. Without any explanation or control over himself, he felt himself succumbing to his feelings. It was a feeling he found himself refusing to fight.
The rain eased, and at long last stopped falling. Ash wondered what had changed, and whether it was him, or if he was trapped in another dream. He found himself entering another panic. Once again his temperature climbed to boiling, sweat began to trickle down his forehead. He needed to check. He needed to be sure. He always trusted his gut feeling with all that he had, but this time he had to know whether he could trust his mind too. He wanted to know that he had really woken up. He wanted to know that the rain had really stopped falling.
Serena was there in front of him, she felt so real, she felt so close. Yet Ash didn't know whether he could trust this happy feeling, this warmness. As much as he didn't want to let go, he had be sure that he was back in the open world, without the cramping isolation of the sweltering fishing shack room. He also had to be sure that this was not another cruel realm of a dream. He placed a hand on her wrist, and slowly wriggled his other hand from her grip. An influx of guilt flared within him, as again, letting go felt so wrong, but the night was still alive, and she really needed the rest. The thought of setting out alone in Route 16 sent a chill down his upright spine; yet he had to be sure. He had to know whether he could trust himself, unlike in the dream.
He slowly shuffled his body from under Serena, keeping an arm around her slender waist as he gently placed her back on to the heat of the mattress. He saw her grasping, just like had tried to do so many times. For a brief moment he saw what his ordeal looked like from Serena's perspective. Looking down at her, not moving, but in a deep sleep. Maybe it was another vision, maybe she wasn't meant to ever wake up to him. He didn't know; he felt his head throb in his need for answers. He moved his legs over the edge of the bed, and paused, doubting whether his leap from the bed would send him falling into the blackness once more. He took a gamble, and lowered himself slowly onto the cold, polished wooden floor. He lay them flat over the surface, and felt its cold bite into his feet. He pushed himself up from the bed to stand upright for the first time in days. He tried to straighten out his back, but it immediately locked as he flinched at the muscle. A stabbing pain jarred his spine; he whacked the inflamed area with a fist, crunching himself back into a crooked upright posture. He was upright for a matter of seconds, before he felt the blood rush away from his head, plummeting away into every fraction of his body. His vision suddenly became blurred, floaters obstructing his eyesight, sending him into a dizzy daze. He stumbled on his feet across the room, almost sliding on the polished floor. He held two outstretched arms for balance, stabilising himself as his body regained its composure. He got the opportunity to finally look around the room he had been situated in. Pale, white walls, with the paint chipping off from its age. Gaps in the dark wooden floor, with dust blowing across the surface, and the rust of the nails that sat fixed in each floorboard. The bed, only of singular size, but had a large soft mattress, and was surrounded by uncomfortable-looking clumsy wooden chairs. Over the back of one of them was his jacket, while his shoes lied next to the leg. To brave the cold chill of the night he would need his jacket, but walking over to it was a challenge in itself. Still wobbling, he ambitiously placed one step forward, placing his right foot flat on the ground ahead of him. He shifted his weight from his trailing left foot, and in that split second, realised exactly how long he had been lying on that bed. The transfer of weight sent a chorus of cracks and crunches through every bone in his ankles. They snapped at the joints, releasing pockets of air in the process, and gradually building him back up to strength. His hips were grinding with each movement, he felt rusty, almost like he had to teach himself how to walk again. His coordination fluctuated all over the room, his steps stumbling in all different directions. His knees wobbled left, right, and centre. The floorboards creaked with each movement he made, each sound sending waves of shock through his stomach as he so carefully tried to not awaken Serena. His arms were swinging like he was on the edge of a tightrope. Whatever reality he had woken up in, real or not, it was certainly a tricky one.
He tuned in further to the environment around him. The sludge of mud was no longer there, the howling wind was no longer passing through him. He reset his mind, and waited to regain balance. After a few moments to pause, his mind had rekindled itself back in sync with the rest of his body. He took one more step forward, moving from the ball of his foot to the edges of his toes, and for the first time, made a confident step without the fret of falling. Slowly, but surely, he made his way to the chair, and picked up his beloved blue jacket, only to be disappointed by just how heavy it still was as the rain water soaked it.
"Must have been quite a storm." He mumbled to himself, dejectedly placing it back over the chair, before turning to face the window. It was your typical chilly autumn night, no harsh winter cold was possibly going to ever bite, while the storm had surely now calmed down. To feel alive once again he needed to feel the wind itself rustle through his skin, he needed to see the light of day evaporate the darkness that he was enveloped in. He needed to escape, to run to reality. He felt the urge to dash out into the corridor and find the exit, but another part of him felt inclined to stay with Serena. She was forever in the corner of his eye, she just couldn't leave his sight nor his mind. He walked back over to the bed. She lied there, peacefully. The impulses of her heartbeat played at the same rhythm to his. He realised they were connected. He leaned in closely, gazing over at her pale exposed skin. Her torso felt warmer, snug inside that ridiculously soft pyjama top with love hearts sown on. She still looked woefully tired, but even there in front of him in that moment. She still appeared delicate, like he wanted to look after her.
Lying there, waiting for him to wake up... He thought she was cute.
Once again another feeling he couldn't deny had risen, his stomach flushed with nerves as Serena's words began to seemingly become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Was this part of some vision? Or was the fall still continuing, only this time he was falling for Serena?
He had to know.
He reached for the duvet, and pulled it over her body, leaving just her head poking above the covers. Pikachu, who was probably caught in the midst of an exciting dream, moved in accordance with Serena's change in position. Maybe they both had a special bond too, as Pikachu poked his head above the sheets next to Serena. The two looked warm, and comfortable. Ash let out a sigh of relief, but not satisfaction. That smile had disappeared from Serena's face. He leaned in closer, feeling his breath tap against her.
"I'll be right back, Serena." He whispered, hoping his words would make their way through to her ears. She seemed to reply with a weak sigh. Her smile didn't return, but her eyes flickered. She was there, just still very tired. He decided to leave her to rest as he embarked outside to see the sunrise; to get that one final piece of evidence that he had truly returned to the world he knew and so dearly missed.
He dashed out the room, his bare feet sticking against each floorboard, helping him grip his way down the daunting looking staircase. He had no time for the fishing shack's gloomy early morning interior; he had to get outside. He had to get running again, to feel the blood surging through his veins, to feel that adrenaline that defines just what it's like to be a Pokemon Trainer, the feeling of adrenaline that defined his very life as far as he could understand it. He threw two hands over the heavy looking front door, and heaved as his shoulders clicked back into place, allowing him to pull the plug on the isolated world he had been trapped since his fall, and feel the embrace of the crisp breeze dance around his body.
He stepped out into the open, and stretched out his arms. He took a long and deep intake of breath, and felt the sensation of the fresh autumn air entice his lungs. It was delicious. He looked to the sky, it was already lightening. The clouds were clearing, the fog had lifted. The world was coming to life around him. It was a pleasant silence, the wind blew freely around the atmosphere, encouraging Ash to take a stand and feel the freedom of the open land. He seized his invitation, and began sprinting. He charged through the autumn night with his muscles beginning to fire up. They felt strained, but they were warming, they were getting back into the swings of things. He powered along by swinging his arms, feeling his shoulders rotate like clockwork, with his lungs exchanging air in a manner more efficient than even some of Clemont's robots could manage. He picked up the pace, feeling him running at a speed faster than his eyes could follow in the rush of the brightening night. He felt it, the reign of the darkness nearing his end. The reign of anxiety amongst his friends too was nearing its conclusion. He had returned to the battlefield, now buoyant with belief.
He jumped over rivers of mud, splashed through puddles of water, ducked under low branches of golden trees, and kicked a leg at the stacks of fallen leaves.
He began laughing to himself; he was alive.
He was experiencing that feeling that just came natural to him; it was the rush of an adventure. The breaking of the day, and the belief that he would go on to achieve great things under the sun's next reign of light. He ran up the nearby cliff, this time conquering the land that almost claimed him just a few days ago. He stood at the top of it, grinning over the clearing midst, seeing Kalos itself give up its secrets, and showcase the world ahead of him. He couldn't wait to tell everyone he was back. It was at that very moment the sun appeared in front of him, rising above the darkness, crumbling away the devouring illusions of the cruel night. The world in front of him lit up with an almighty shine, accompanied by a chorus of harking Murkrow dotted around the many golden trees on Route 16. It was almost like they were cheering for him, as he stood there boldly at the top of the cliff. The yellow shine from the sun illuminated the golden glory of autumn, where Ash felt himself return to the jubilant scenes which Bonnie and all of the group's Pokemon revelled in when they first entered the route.
He looked back down at the tiny dot that was the fishing shack, where his beloved Pokemon, and his best friends were all asleep. Excitement danced around in his stomach, it was the morning now, so he had a perfectly good reason to wake them all. He turned to run back down the cliff, but felt his mind hanging onto that one last doubt. No matter how fast he sprinted, or where he tried to run to, the thought hung onto him, it wouldn't let go. She wouldn't let go. The thought of wanting to be with Serena remained with him. It felt like a desire, in fact the excitement he was feeling as a trainer was matched by the excitement his stomach generated for rushing back to her side. Were these feelings... real?! He felt like he needed to run further, he needed more confirmation to himself that he could accept what he was feeling. Yet could he really run from something that he wasn't sure he wanted to let go of?
Bewildered, he began running again, fast and faster, back down the hill, trying to shake his mind back to thoughts he was comfortable and familiar with. He kept on running, but the feeling was constantly with him. It wouldn't leave him, because it came from the very centre of his heart. He was beating in sync with Serena at all times. He tried to run to a conclusion, but no road could harbour these new, and dare he admit it: exciting feelings. He kept on running, but his lungs were overworking. His muscles didn't have the strength yet to maintain his pace. They withered, straining under fatigue. He felt his body shut back down on him. He approached the fishing shack's lake. He was huffing and puffing under each rapid breath, he felt the energy immediately vanish from him, as the crisp air consoled his weary body.
His footsteps clonked along the wooden pier, as he bought himself to a pause. He had completely overdone it. Caught in a civil scrap with his own mind, he had used up the very last joules of energy that he had hung onto after the fall. Once again, that light-headed feeling was returning.
The sound of movement outside just so happened to tap into the slumber of certain lemon-haired girl, who felt the sound peep into her ears. She began listening out, wondering what the sound could possibly be. The footsteps continued. They had become too loud and too frequent for her to ignore, or go back to sleep with. The young Lumiose-born girl climbed out of her bed, and jumped up to the window, pushing aside the blinds. What she saw outside by the lake caused the pupils in her eyes to dilate wider than ever before. He jaw dropped. Her cheeks flushed red. Her face lit up, just like the shine of the relieved sun. She immediately began to bounce up and down on the spot, feeling a squeal try to escape from within. She couldn't control her sudden influx of energy, as she jumped onto Clemont's bed, and pounced up and down on his sleeping body. Jumping all over him, she tried to whisper, but it came out at a volume almost as loud as shouting. She was too excited to control herself at the moment, it was like seeing Santa arrive.
"Brother, wake up! Wake up! C'mon wake up!" She chanted in his face deliriously.
Clemont felt himself being hit by Bonnie's body bouncing all over his bed. He tried to get up, but his lack of energy refused to allow him. Surely he deserved a lie-in?
"W-what is it..?" He muttered under his breath. She immediately pulled open his eye lids.
"Look! Look!" She climbed off his bed and ran to the window, banging her finger on the glass.
Clemont scrambled for his glasses as his eyes were blasted by a ray of morning light, only this time it felt slightly brighter than before. He then joined her in looking out over the lake. Not a word was uttered, as he adjusted his glasses frantically for a few seconds, trying to confirm to himself that what he was seeing was real. Now wasn't the time to believe in ghosts, yet he wondered whether such a miracle was even possible. Clemont prayed it to be true, just one contradiction for once was all he ever wanted. A brief moment passed, before Bonnie turned to see a jubilant smile blossom on her big brother's face. He took off his glasses again, this time slower, with his arm shaking. Bonnie looked up at her brother's eyes. A tear trickled down his cheek, and he began to laugh along as his eyes brimmed to the brink with elation.
"H-he's... finally woken up." He just about managed to release those precious words under his joyous and relieved laughter, securing an arm around Bonnie in the process. He did not care how silly he looked in front of his sister now; Ash was back. His best friend was back.
Down by the lake, Ash was pacing around almost aimlessly, his consciousness lying solely in his thoughts. The feelings were still there; his questions still unanswered. The image of Serena still gracing his mind. Those short honey-blonde locks that shone in the light, those beautiful cerulean blue orbs, and a gracious smile that could enlighten any dark moment. He suddenly stopped in his tracks, shocked at the thoughts that had just passed through his mind. Since when did he see her in such a poetic way? The thought continued to linger, the feeling of wanting to go back to her side stayed with him.
Exhausted from sprinting, he didn't know exactly what he was feeling.
Was what she said to him really true?
And more still, are these feelings real?
Does he truly have feelings for Serena..?
He may have woken up, but he came out of his sleep with one pondering thought. A new feeling. A feeling he didn't want to fight, but wasn't sure whether to trust.
The truth is, he was still falling, but not in a way he could understand.