It appears Alexia won the battle for now. You can expect Alfred's temper tantrums in a later chapter! :) Maybe 4 or 5, we'll see. ^^

DON'T OWN, DON'T SUE.

Warnings;Alexia has a potty mouth in a sophisticated way? xD Ahem.

Thanks for reviewing; Frozen Labyrinth, Zombiegirl2007, WeskyTron4211, Ultimolu, xXLawli-PopXx, d-chan-67, Jhyena Aj Jax, rockof90, Desert Starr, Jay Zero Snake, riddlebox89, From-Dark-To-Light and Prisonerksc2-303.

Note; This is humor/general. They are not constantly funny, as most of them are letters with complaints. Try and remember that, thanks ^^

ENJOY!

Dear Capcom,

I am Alexia Ashford, the only surviving female of the Ashford Family. Also the only surviving sane person of the Ashford Family, considering my dear brother is nothing but a maniac with an addiction to inhaling helium.
I, Alexia, have played your rather barbaric videogame, and I am not that pleased with the way you have portrayed me. Do not get me wrong, you did capture my personality and looks pretty well, but some parts of the videogame are to be considered no less than ridiculous.

Please hear me out as I tell you everything I did not like, and, like that man who wears his sunglasses at night asked you, please consider a remake.

The people;

One; Alfred.

My brother, as much as I like the way you showed him to the little people, is very dear to me. I do not approve of the way you portrayed him, because as soon as the game got out, people were starting to make jokes about him.

I find that very sad because, apart from me, he is the only Ashford that is still alive. And, even though you may not believe me here, he has a good heart. Sure, his brain doesn't function the way it should, but his heart does. At least it is still beating anyway.

But I mean it. He adores me, therefore he is quite a sweetheart. So stop making him look like a fool. Only I can do that.

Two; Claire Redfield.

Ah, are you aware of the fact that she has a brother? Hnnn, of course you are, her brother is in the game as well. You know, her relationship with her brother, though slightly disturbing, reminded me of my relationship with Alfred.

It is the first thing I noticed Claire and I had in common, and I liked it. As time passed by, I also noticed some other things we have in common. We both like talking to emo-men like Steve, we both think the man who wears sunglasses at night is a bit weird, and we both have hair.

Claire and I became friends shortly after she tried to kill me. I hope you can show some more things that we have in common, since I really do not hate her that much. I don't like her brother, but you know... He'll die someday, I'm sure the one who wears sunglasses at night will take care of that.

Three; Chris Redfield.

A bit annoying, a bit too large and his hair looked really bad. In real life as well as in the game. I don't like him very much. You know, you would think he would take better care of his little sister, but it's more like the opposite happens all the time.

I think it's rather stupid he went missing for months. I don't know what he was up to, but I am pretty sure it caused him to get an STD or two.

I do hope so, anyway.

Four; Father.

Why did you call him 'Nosferatu'? Were you stealing lines from others again? I don't quite understand why you feel the need to make videogames if you can't think of any names or ideas yourself.

Also, and this isn't a complaint, did you notice the way my father looked? Nice, right? He died as he impregnated my mother, with his hands tied behind his back.

He was such a pervert, he deserved everything that happened to him. I just felt like pointing that out.

Five; Steve.

He was just the cutest human being I have ever laid eyes on. I had to use him for one of my experiments, because I thought turning him into a giant would actually give him some kind of self-esteem. And he needed to become a giant, because he didn't have anything to compensate for his lack of testicles.

What I did not get though... He was wearing this odd collar. You know, it looked like it had a clock in it or something? It reminded me of this movie called 'Battle Royale'. In that movie the students wear a collar similar to Steve's, and after three days, if they aren't dead or win this barbaric game, the collar explodes.
I was waiting for Steve's to do the same thing in the game, but it never happened. Think about that, will you? It might add a nice touch. I like decapitation if it's done correctly.

Six; The man who wears his sunglasses at night.

I know, he has a name. 'Albert Wesker'. Now, what kind of name is that? And why does he wear his sunglasses at night? And why does he think he is worthy of my power? Why did he hide hunter-scanners on my property? And why does he look so damn good?

This man still isn't worthy of my power, so I suggest you give him less appearances in the game, and you give me some more. Also, if he really does need to appear...
Have him take his shirt off. Then at least I'll have some fun watching him too.

You can not make this man seem more evil than me. You can't. Nobody is more evil than me, for I am Alexia Ashford, and people bow before me.

Well, I wish they did anyway. It's hard to make it happen in real life. Ah, you get what I'm saying right? I bet you never get people to bow before you, either. Mainly because you are probably doing the bowing yourself, so someone else can take you from behind.

No Capcom, I don't like you.

The game;

One; Puzzles.

I like puzzles. I am an intelligent woman, and solving puzzles usually makes me feel like I have accomplished something. While playing the game, I felt accomplished quite a few times, because there were an insane amount of puzzles.

However, I think some of them were either too easy, or a bit stupid.

What I'm trying to say is... It would've been so much more fun had you hidden the items in completely random places. Like you could've hidden the key to the first locked door behind the last locked door. In that case, they wouldn't have gone very far. Or you could've hidden that gas mask in an area beyond the room where the gas was released.

I'm not saying this because the game is too easy, but it's just that in real life, you won't find keys in obvious places. Why not? Because the doors are locked for a good reason. So why place the keys in rooms and places near the locked door?

That is just plain stupid. It's like telling a thief 'my key is placed underneath a potted plant in the neighbourhood'. Yes, the thief will spend some time searching, but he'll get his hands on it eventually.

You know what? No matter what happens, I am never letting you near the security systems in my house.

Two; Ammo and herbs.

The ammo and herbs could be found anywhere. Now I wonder... Who was roaming around on our property, scattering ammo and herbs like that? Don't tell me it was Alfred, because he's not that stupid. Nor was it that Rodrigo, because even though he had a gun, he never used it. You know why he never used it? Because he had no bullets.

You see, Capcom... The people that worked on that island weren't allowed to use loaded guns. It's because of Alfred. I mean, you have seen my dear brother shoot his rifle, have you not? Then you have also seen him miss Claire at several occasions.

So in order to prevent Alfred from feeling bad about his aim, everyone on the island had bad aim. And that was for only one reason; their guns did not have ammo, and that makes it hard to practice your aim.

So tell me, where did it come from? If it came from the man who wears his sunglasses at night, I want nothing to do with it.

Three; Hunter-scanners.

Do you know how hard it is to walk around on your own property, with all those scanners hanging around? Let me tell you... It is very hard.

Now I won't complain too much, but when I entered one of the buildings, those scanners found me and sent me a hunter. My, was I annoyed! I had to kill it all by myself, which wasn't too hard, but in the process of doing so, I nearly burned the whole building down to the ground with my flammable blood.

I'm not saying you should leave the hunter-scanners out, because they weren't made up, they were in the buildings. I'm just saying a cut-scene of me kicking their ugly behinds would be nice. Because after all, Chris wasn't the only one bothered by them.

You should have seen me kill one when I didn't have the chance to get dressed after waking up yet. I bet it would've made that bump in your pants grow a little larger. And that probably wouldn't hurt, since I doubt it's that big at the moment.

Barbarians.

Four; Bandersnatches.

You know, bandersnatches are very, very sticky. They stick to pretty much everything you throw them against, like those toys some parents buy for their children.

Because Alfred thought the bandersnatches had a pretty colour, he used to put them into a cannon, aim the cannon at the wall, and shoot it. They would stick to the wall and give the room a whole different colour, just by sticking along a little. Now I don't think you included that room in your barbaric game, so I suggest you do so when you get on that re-make.

It was rather amusing, until they died of starvation and started to smell like a mosh pit filled with sweaty and bloody heavy metal-heads. But that is besides the point.

Five; Transformation.

I transformed right in front of the man who wears his sunglasses at night. I know for a fact he has sent you a letter about this game too. There is one thing you did not include in the game though, and I doubt he wrote you anything about it...

When I transformed my breasts were visible for a while. Then, when I was done, only one still was. While I was busy showing off my amazing powers, said man was staring at my breasts. For quite a while. And for some reason, he didn't stop even after I had fully transformed. You know what I am talking about, because in the game you see his eyes all widened and amazed, just like they looked in real life.

Now what I did when I saw that? I bitch-slapped him, because no man stares at my breasts that way. It is rude, and therefore he needed to be punished. Please include that slap, because it was funny and a little embarrassing for him.

Six; The Blob.

In this barbaric game of yours, I was the final boss. I was a pretty final boss at first, but then you had to make me mutate into one of the ugliest creatures I have ever seen in my entire life. And do remember, I live with a man who wears make-up on regular basis.

Now, I never transformed into that... blob. I never even transformed into that flying creature you have to kill with that laser. No, I just remained in my first form, because a woman that carries 'Ashford' as a last name, cannot be ugly. Not even after mutating, getting shot and all those other things you did to me. So keep me pretty, okay? No blob, no giant spider, no creature that looks like a teethed vagina, but something pretty.

If you fail to keep me pretty, I will turn you into a Blob, and yes, I can do that.

Seven; The King and the Queen.

'There was a friendly, but naive king,
who wed a very nasty queen.
The king was loved but...
the queen was feared.'

Just in case you are wondering; I am not in love with my dear brother. We may be close, but not that close. The only reason I sang that song with Alfred on my lap, was because for some reason, I couldn't remember the words to 'Walking on Sunshine'.

I do now. 'I'm walking on sunshine, ooh ooh, and don't it feel good?'

You might want to add that to the game, since I'm sick of people asking me 'if incest runs in the family'. It's not a funny question whatsoever, so I keep killing the people who do so, and by that I am slowly killing myself because I can only kill properly by losing some blood in the process.

So...

I think that sums up the things that annoy me the most while playing that barbaric game. I would've loved to state my opinion on Alfred's cross-dressing habits, Rodrigo, Steve's tiny testicles and Resident Evil The Darkside Chronicles, but I can't. I just heard Alfred yell at me from the lawn, and that means that giant worm is chewing on him again, so I must run to once again save my dear brother's life.

Keep everything I told you in mind, and get on that re-make. If you do as I tell you, I will be happy enough to leave you alone for a few weeks. If you refuse to grant my wishes, then I suggest you make sure your office is located near the fire-department, because I am not afraid of burning things down to the ground.

Yours sincerely,
Alexia Ashford.

P.S.
I know you have the address of that man named 'Jack Krauser'. Could you be kind enough to give me his address? He was so obsessed with his own power in Resident Evil 4, that I think I might've found my soulmate. Thank you in advance.

I'm on an updating-roll. :D Okay, once again, you get to pick who is next;

Jack Krauser II (Darkside Chronicles version) or a very OOC Ada Wong (RE4).

If you liked this, please leave me a review ^^ :)

FUNK.