Chapter 15

I tapped my fingers impatiently on the small notebook cover. I opened it and for my surprise, it was her diary. Indeed a gift. In other circumstances it would have been a great gift. I started reading it. I was surprised to see my name on the first page, she described her first day at school. It was amazing to get a glimpse at her mind without the editing or she trying to hide her thoughts from me. She described the weather and the people, she wondered what she could have possibly done to deserve my murderous glare, as she describe it. I found it very hard not to laugh at her notes. This diary was like a treasure chest it. I could finally understand a bit how her beautiful mind worked, how perceptive she was. I was falling for her over and over again as I read those pages.

It was amazing to know how much she enjoyed being around us and how it didn't affect her at all, it was almost like it was natural, she described our times together always with so much love and affection, never mentioning how she feared for her life, if she ever did. I kept reading the entire night.

I reached the most difficult part, the time I left. I wish she described her days while I was out, I wanted to know what I missed but she kept it from me, even in a diary she could still drive me insane with her "editing". I read countless pages of non sense "he left me", "I knew I wasn´t good enough for him", "he doesn't want me". In between there were small notes on what she had done like "cliff diving", I could only guess she was out with Jacob Black.

After pages of small notes and non sense I finally reached the last pages, the dates told me they were written not long ago, actually it was after we came back into her life.

"Last days were good in some masochist weird way. On the bright side I finally have the confirmation I am not crazy and vampires do exist, I saw the Cullens again. I missed them so much. It was good to know they missed me too but it was very clear to me that he didn´t want me there, I was intruding his life.

He looked like he was suffering and I´m smart enough to know why. He doesn´t want me in his life. I should have known better, if Alice told me we were going to their place or even that he didn´t want to see me I could have avoided that. I don't want to be an intruder in his life.

He made it very clear he didn´t want me, that I was no good for him, so what right do I have to intrude his life like that? He loathes me… and still I could live like this, just having him close to me is enough.

I couldn´t expect anything else, after all I´m only human… maybe if I was something else… more like them and a lot less like me…

I remember once he told that he cared more for me than I did for him, because if he had to he would leave. Ironic… he also said I would never have to make that choice, oh well here it is. I know what I have to do, I just have to find out how I will endure it."

"Absurd" I muttered and continued reading

"Edward came over, it´s still hard to write, talk or think about him. I feel he could decide to leave again at any moment. My resolution to leave his life and pretend they never existed went down the drain today. As I was saying the words he asked me the most absurd thing I could ever expect. He wanted to be friends. FRIENDS? Can you imagine that? How could I possibly do that?

If he knew how tempted I am to throw myself into his arms and kiss him every time I see him, he would rather see me gone."

I smiled, if she only knew I felt the same.

"Today was hard, harder than any other day. I saw him with another girl, one I can´t compete with. I guess finally he found someone good enough for him. I wish I was immortal too, and then maybe I wouldn't be so plain, so dull, so boring…. Maybe I would be good enough for him"

"Days are getting confused. It´s so easy to be around him, I finally feel pieces of me that were missing for god knows how long, it´s hard because I´m not complete without him. I don´t feel complete without his love. I have to keep reminding myself we are just friends and as far as I know that´s all we will ever be. I wonder if there is a way, if could convince one of them to change me maybe with time he would love me again."

"I wonder if Alice would change me…"

"I want to be like him…."

What is this obsession she has about changing into a monster she would never understand…

"Damn it" I cussed as I dialed Carlisle number on my phone.

"Carlisle, he´s going to change her…." I growled

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