Exasperation

Lovino reflects on how it came to this, thanks to himself and his mother-in-law.

The train ride was awkward at best and loathsome at worst. Matching gold wedding rings shone dully in the light of the car, which was brightly illuminated compared to the dreary, dark gray skies outside the bleak window. The rain had ceased hours ago, yet it seemed it was likely to return soon. Antonio and Lovino avoided each other's gazes, the former watching the other residents of the car while the latter stared through the window.

The train hitched over a rough patch of land where the tracks hadn't quite settled. On a jerk response, Lovino hands grabbed the closest things to hold onto, which were his left arm rest and Antonio's hand on the right. The texture of familiar skin shocked him, skin that he had kissed plenty of times of over the course of eight years, and he gawked at his own extremity. His husband swiveled his head towards him, equally as perplexed. Feeling his cheeks bleed red, Lovino retracted his hand and turned back to the window. He didn't see Antonio shift his gaze back to the other residents, but knew he had to have.

Five years of marriage had come to this, an awkward or loathsome train ride, depending on how one chose to view it. The outcome of this visit had the potential to destroy twelve years of cherished memories and toss the golden rings broken to the ground. Lovino couldn't say he was looking forward to it. There was no way to get out of it, though; he had tried. Ultimately, it was up to Antonio whether or not their relationship would last to old age.

It was practically cliché, the idea of a mother-in-law coming inbetween two people who loved each other. Lovino didn't like to think of it like that; it made the real events sound like a childish story of combating in-laws who were simply too stubborn to get over it and be happy already. He preferred to think of it as it was, as the actual events in the process of destroying his marriage.

It wasn't difficult for him to understand Antonio's attachment to his mother. Most people did love their mothers, respected them. This was the woman who had carried Antonio in her womb for nine months, establishing a bond, the one who had raised him with love and care and affection for nearly twenty years. It was hard to sever such a tie. Lovino had grown up since the age of seven wishing for his own long-dead mother's warmth. He would never ask Antonio to choose between her and him.

On the other hand, this woman who loved Antonio dearly in her heart despised Lovino with the same passion.

Although she had accepted the fact her son had decided to make a permanent commitment to another man for his sake, Lovino more than suspected she had never been happy about it. She was an old-fashioned Catholic, which he didn't blame her for; it was his religion, too, and he knew first hand the struggle between acceptance and faith. Even if it hurt, he could allow her her own struggle.

But it wasn't just the fact they were gay that made her hostile towards him; that was simply another layer of icing on the cake. She could have been perfectly fine with her son marrying another man and she still would have hated Lovino to a high degree.

His mother-in-law was horrified by his vulgar mouth, clashed with his seemingly lazy attitude, and batted heads against many of his ideologies. She was critical of every mistake he made, or she believed he had, and made sure Antonio knew it. Every visit prior to this one had been torture to bear through, every phone call bitter to listen to.

To be fair, Antonio had stood up for him in the past. He had told his mother flat out to quit antagonizing Lovino or she would lose him as well. He had fought against her needless nicks and picks and stopped more fights between them than he should have. Lovino hated to cause him so much trouble - it must have been hard watching the two people he cared about most bicker all the time - but he had given up trying to be civil with the woman long ago. The best he could do was apologize to his husband after he cooled down.

The sad thing about it, however, was that apologies said over and over tended to lose their meaning. It had come to the point a while ago that Antonio stopped accepting them. That had been the beginning of the end.

Two years into their marriage, Lovino's mother-in-law had been diagnosed with cancer, and over the course of the next three, she deteriorated at a rapid rate. This visit was expected to be their last, Antonio final goodbye to his mother. They all had known it would come to this day eventually.

It was bad enough Antonio had to deal with the fact his beloved mother was dying; he didn't need any squabbles between her and his husband. Not even that, though, could entirely eradicate the hatred between the two in-laws, and they pressed on. If anything, they became more ruthless towards each other. It was as if there was a new time limit to obtain some unfathomable prize by finally beating the other down. It made Lovino sick to keep it up, but he hadn't been willing to let the woman poison Antonio's head without a fight.

As she got sicker and sicker, Antonio withdrew himself more and more from him. On the one occasion they had attempted talking it over, he had admitted he wanted to make his mother happy in her last days, and that he was finally starting to wonder if there was any truth in what they said about a family member not approving of their child's choice in partner. It was a toxic battle waging in his head, a battle he had no idea how to handle. Lovino, at one point, had been determined to challenge that old adage. He loved Antonio more than anyone else in the world.

But that had been then and this was now. Everyone had their limits, their breaking points. Lovino was well aware he wasn't taking a healthy path to convincing Antonio their marriage meant more than what his mother thought, and besides, the results he was getting were far from what he wanted. There was no way to defeat or reconcile with that woman; he might as well leave it in Antonio's hands, as selfish as that was.

On the bright side, he supposed, the only reason his husband had asked him along for this visit, knowing the two would inevitably bicker, was for emotional support. He still wanted Lovino there to help him as he confronted his mother's illness for the last time. Lovino wasn't selfish enough to deny him that. He would at least try to keep his mouth shut during the visit.

Yet he was certain of the possibility their marriage might come to an end after this. Antonio may take his mother's final insults to heart, or become so ashamed of making her unhappy with his choices that he plopped divorce papers in Lovino's lap some day soon. Lovino couldn't shake the possibility as real; after all, they had been growing further and further apart since she was diagnosed.

In a way, he hated both the mother and son for that. He wished they could just get over it and be happy already. He wished they had stopped fighting long ago, that his mother-in-law wasn't dying, that Antonio wasn't being pulled at by two horribly different sides. What hurt him hurt Antonio and what hurt Antonio hurt him right back. He wished he wasn't so stubborn as to keep up his end of the arguments, wasn't so weak to reach his pathetic limit on trying. Maybe then there would have been more of a chance for their relationship.

Behind him, Antonio tilted his head forward, creating a reflection in the window. "Lovino?"

It was the first word he had spoken to him since they got on the train two hours ago. It made Lovino start, and turn his head to blink owlishly at him, perplexed.

His husband hesitated, mouth hanging partially open for a moment. "...Don't... Whatever my mama says... Please..."

His shoulders relaxed, exhausted. "Yeah, I know."

Antonio gave him a helpless expression. "She's my mother. I love her."

"I know."

"I told her on the phone the other day to - to not start anything with you, either. This is hard enough on me. On all of us."

"I know, Tonio."

If possible, it seemed his expression got even more hopeless. "I'm sorry you guys have never gotten along. I had no idea there would be this much grief between you."

Lovino shook his head slowly. "I know, Antonio."

"It's just that you both mean so much to me; I can't bear to lose either of you. And now she's..." he trailed off.

Lovino ignored the way his heart fluttered in a spark of hope. "I know."

Antonio's eyes were locked on him. "D-Do you, really? Really, Lovi? Because sometimes I think you don't want anything to do with me because of my mother. Like she's ripped us apart enough to make you hate me, too."

He glared, and answered coolly, "I don't hate you."

"So why are you giving me that look?"

"Because you said I did!"

"No, I didn't. I said sometimes you make me think you do. It's kind of easy to believe when you hardly glance in my direction anymore."

"I'm here, aren't I?" his words were like ice. "Don't act like you don't do it, either. You've barely spoken to me for the past week since her doctor called."

Antonio pressed his lips together in a thin line. "Yeah. I know."

Lovino turned back to the window, settled with the conversation.

A beat passed.

A hand touched his shoulder, "Lovino?"

"What?"

The hand was replaced with a cheek; hair tickled Lovino's neck. "I love you, too, you know."

Lovino exhaled softly. He couldn't successfully stifle that flutter. He wiggled his arm to wrap as best he could around Antonio's back and shifted so his cheek was nuzzled in his husband's hair. "Of course I know. I love you, too."

Outside the window, not that either of them were paying attention, it began to pour again.

I'm...not really sure where this came from. I'm not really sure whether there's a happy ending or not, or if there should be one at all. I'm not even sure why I decided to angst up the mother-in-law trope. As always, any critiques are welcome. I feel like 2/3 of this was an info dump, haha. Does anyone else think so?