The kiss was sweet, tender and short.
"I've wanted to do that for a long time."
"What?" They hadn't dated in several years, and even that was only a few dates.
"I feel selfish telling you now; I mean I did leave you for Serena."
"That's been water under the bridge for a long time," Alex told her.
Abbie had more to say. "I really liked our first date." Alex had taken her to a jazz concert in Central Park, and she packed a picnic basket for them. "And our second date, and I had been looking forward to our third date before Serena came out of nowhere."
Abbie had long assumed Serena would never be interested in her.
"I had liked her for so long, I felt like I had to give it a chance, and for a while, it seemed like the right decision, but then I saw the way she looked at Kim, and I realized, I'd always be the second fiddle for her."
"I'm sorry I wasn't there when ..." This all happened while Alex was in the program.
"Don't be. You cared enough to let me go."
Alex could see the longing in Abbie's eyes. She didn't want to hurt her, but she had to be honest. "I should tell you about Olivia."
Alex explained how they had gotten into a row over Casey at her workplace and the follow up confrontation at Have a Drink.
"We didn't talk again until June. I had to get a protective detail after I was taken hostage."
"You were taken hostage?" The media coverage had not reached DC.
"The ordeal was over so fast, I don't think the media got much into it." Alex explained how the killers had been targeting Cassie.
"Anyway, I wanted Cassie to feel comfortable with the officers, so I had her pick them. She picked Munch and Olivia."
"Awkward."
"We agreed to a truce for Cassie's sake, and it was fine when she was in the room, but awkward as soon as she went to sleep. We'd usually watch movies, so we didn't have to talk to each other.
I don't know exactly when, but somewhere along the line, we started to fall back into our normal patterns: our banter, the way she'd run her fingers through my hair. It felt comfortable.
We ended up making out on my couch, and then we talked about possibly getting back together."
"What did she say?"
"It was more about what I said. I told her that I still loved her, but we couldn't get back together right away. I wanted to know that she and Casey were done for good first. I didn't want her ping ponging back and forth between the two of us."
"So she and Casey are through."
"No."
"Why not?"
"I might have told her to take her time to decide."
"Are you out of your mind? You are beautiful, smart, incredibly talented, and sexy as hell. There is no good reason for you to allow yourself to be put on hold, so she can screw a redhead some more."
Alex could feel the raw passion in Abbie's voice; it warmed her heart and saddened her at the same time. "I had to know for sure.
When she kissed me, I felt all of those old feelings flooding back, but I didn't know if she was kissing me because she loved me or because she was having problems with Casey.
I've waited three years to have her back. I was ready to wait two more months to be sure."
Is there any flaw when it comes to Alex Cabot? Abbie kissed her again; this one was rough and hungry. Alex's hips involuntarily bucked.
"I wouldn't ever let you play second fiddle." Abbie told her breathily.
"I know," Alex told her. "And I wish I could clone myself and not have to choose, but I love her, and I know I couldn't love you fully if I was always wondering what would have happened if we had tried again. You deserve more than half my heart Abbs. You shouldn't settle for anything less than the whole thing."
"I wish I had told you a long time ago."
"I know it hurts, but I'm glad you told me now."
"Drinks?"
"Hell yeah."
Alex poured rum to go with the rest of the lemonade. The two girls put on North by Northwest.
"I love your devotion to classic movies."
"They just had a certain kind of glamour back then."
They were about a half hour into the movie when there was a banging on the door.
"Who could it be at this hour?" Alex went to check the peephole. Liv?
Alex opened it and Olivia collapsed into her arms. Her hair was a mess, and she had clearly been crying.
It was only when she touched her face that she realized, "Are you bleeding?"
"I could be. I don't know."
Alex ushered her inside. "Let me get my first aid kit."
Olivia nodded at Abbie, but she couldn't speak.
Alex cleaned up her face and put Neosporin on it. "I think we should just let it air dry."
Olivia just burrowed her head in her neck.
"Did you want to talk about it?"
She just cried.
45 Minutes Earlier
"Casey, wait!" Olivia tried to catch her before she got in a cab, but she couldn't so she caught another cab to go to Casey's apartment.
When she got there, Casey wouldn't open the door at first.
"Please, Case talk to me."
"Why don't you go talk to Alex?"
"This isn't about Alex. It's about you and me. Please, let me in. I don't want to get arrested for making too much noise outside your door."
Casey reluctantly let her in.
"I'm sorry if I embarrassed you tonight. I didn't mean to …"
Casey's eyes grew cold. "I'm not angry that you and Alex had a lot of sex. I'm angry that you aren't that way with me. What does she have that I don't?"
"Nothing, you're beautiful!"
"Then why don't you want me?"
"It's not that I don't want you," as Olivia tried to talk her way out of trouble, she only managed to talk her way into more trouble.
"Then what is it?"
"It's that I don't want to pressure you. When you told me about all that happened with you and Charlie, I was afraid of getting too aggressive with you. I wanted you to set the pace."
"So you didn't care if you pressured Alex?"
"Alex came on to me pretty strong. There was no doubt about what she wanted."
Casey lunged Olivia and pulled her into a rough kiss. She tried to deepen it but Olivia pulled away. "What are you doing?"
"I'm coming onto you, can't you tell?"
"But this isn't you. I don't you to try and change because of Alex."
"Fuck you Olivia!"
"What?"
"Do you have any idea what it's like being in that bitch's shadow? Everyone hated me when I got to SVU because I wasn't her. I didn't get warrants like she did. I didn't stay off your toes like she did. I didn't cross-examine like she did. It wasn't even just the 1-6. It was Donnelly and McCoy too. They just saw me as the girl who took the place of their goddaughter. It was like I had a ghost that was haunting me.
When we first got together, I was so scared that I would never measure up to her, that she would come back, and you'd forget all about me, and now, even though she has moved on, I'm still haunted by her fucking ghost.
She's the one who gets ravished by you seven ways to Sunday, and I'm the one who gets to sit on the couch with you and eat pork rinds while we watch baseball. What did I do to get the second place trophy?"
"Casey, I'm so sorry that I made you feel this way. I had no idea."
"Well, now you do, so fuck me."
"What?"
"FUCK ME NOW! If you want me and not Alex, you will fuck me right this second."
"I can't."
"Then get out."
"What?"
"If you won't fuck me then you can leave."
Olivia still tried to talk to her, but Casey was drunk and angry. So much so that she threw the wine bottle at the wall. A piece of the glass cut Olivia.
For the first time in decades, Olivia was 16 and dealing with her drunken mother again. She fled.
By the time Casey realized what she had done, it was too late. "LIV!" she was long gone.
Before Olivia knew where she was going, she was banging on Alex's door.
Present
"I'm sorry I ruined your night," Olivia said to her.
"I'm just glad you're safe now. Do you want to go to bed?"
"I can't sleep right now. You can just finish the movie if you want."
"You sure."
"I think I could use the distraction."
Alex pulled a blanket over the two of them, and they continued to watch.
It was killing Abbie to watch Alex take care of Olivia like that. She knew Alex would do it for any of their friends, but it was clear how much she loved Olivia by the way she held her and kissed her ear. I wish she could love me like that.
"You're safe now," Alex whispered to her. "You're always safe with me."
After the movie, Abbie said she was going to bed. "Do you need me to take the couch or …"
"No, take Cassie's room. She's in my room already."
Alex wasn't having sex with Olivia, not tonight. She was too upset.
Alex asked Olivia if she wanted something to drink.
"Tea would be nice."
Alex made some jasmine and brought it to her.
"You always have good tea."
"There is a whole world outside of Lipton's."
"Snob."
"We don't need to talk until you're ready, but I have to know, did Casey (do this)?"
Olivia nodded.
"I won't let her hurt you again."
"It's you," Olivia told her. "It's always been you." The detective pulled her into a kiss.
It was slow, tender, and loving. "I love you so much it hurts."
"I've waited four long months to hear you say that."
"Alex, I'm sorry, for starting up with Casey, for not leveling with you when you got back, and for blaming my confusion, and the trouble that it caused on you. I don't have any excuses. I only have reasons.
When you were shot, I knew it was my fault. I was supposed to protect you and I didn't. When they told me you died, a part of me died too. I was so relieved when I saw you, but I didn't realize how much it would hurt to have you leave. You weren't dead, but you were gone, and I didn't know how to grieve. I tried to put it off, but I was distracted, messing up at work; Cragen made me take vacation for two weeks.
When I came back, I met Casey and I hated her. She wasn't you. She had a different style. She didn't deserve the shit I gave her, but it was easier to be mad than sad. One day, she asked me why I hated her so much, and I just started sobbing. I showed her the picture of us at the lake by your vacation house and that picture spoke 10,000 words.
She understood why, and she hugged me. She said that it would get better. She then told me about her own lost love, and I felt even worse. I had done nothing but give this girl shit and she was trying to make me feel better. Even worse, she actually did think you were dead, and I couldn't correct her.
When you came back, I had never felt happier in my life, every kiss, every touch, every caress was worth a lifetime of pain because I had you back, and then you were whisked away because of the new threats, and I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye. I fell apart all over again.
I wasn't strong enough to keep losing you. I knew I never deserved you in the first place, so I told myself that I should move on to someone else, and that when you came home, you would find someone more deserving, someone who could be an asset to your political goals. Someone who could earn your family's favor."
"Liv, I …"
"Lex, I need to get this all out. I tried to forget you so I could stop being in pain, but it didn't work. Every time I was with Casey, I felt like I was cheating on you. I thought I could tell myself that she and I belonged together, that like belonged with like, but all it did was make me think of what I had with you and how it was gone.
When you came back, it was like those three miserable years never happened. I forgot that I was even with Casey, much less you didn't know. It was like I had a do over. When your lips hit mine, I knew it was right. I knew you were back for good, and we could finally have what we always wanted.
When I woke up, however, I had to confront the lies I had been telling myself for the past year. I had to come clean to Casey, but I was afraid. We worked together too, and I didn't want to let my personal life mess up my professional one. Instead of just being the bigger person and apologizing, I hid the truth from Casey and I pushed you away. I figured you'd just find someone better, like you should have before.
When I see you, Alex, I see the most amazing woman I have ever known: smart, witty, brave, sexy, elegant, you have it all. It's so hard to believe that you love me sometimes that I convince myself you will leave me eventually, and I just wait for the other shoe to drop. I told myself we wouldn't work because you don't want kids. We won't work because you want to go into politics. We won't work because your brother hates me.
I should have told you about all of my fears so we could work through them together, but we never really had the time to confront them. Our whole relationship felt like the honeymoon stage and then the Sandoval case came and you were gone before I could know if we could make it through."
Alex was speechless. She had her own things to say before Olivia started speaking, but there was so much to respond to that she wasn't sure what to say. "I wish you could see yourself the way that I see you. If you could, then you would know that you are a smart, passionate, stubborn, lovable and incredibly sexy bitch that I would have to be stupid to ever let go.
I know how hard it is for you to talk about how you feel, and I'm glad that you opened up to me. We need this to heal, and I'm not going to sugar coat it, you hurt me Liv, badly, but I love you too much to give up on us. I need us to work. You're what got me through the program, through the depression, and the insomnia, and the possible PTSD. The possibility of being yours again was worth everything I had to suffer.
I think I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind half a dozen times while I was away. Each time I watched it, I thought about whether or not I'd want to erase our love, so I didn't have to suffer the pain of losing you. Each time, I was sobbing at the end because I knew that our love was what made my life worth living and the pain was the penance I had to pay to have the privilege of getting to know you.
I still feel that way. That's why I was crying when we watched it together. Nothing has changed that, but I need time for us to get to where we were, and I have to think about Cassie. We can't just revert to the way we were, screwing each other at work and hooking up in the back of squad cars. If I got caught doing anything like that …"
"I know. I'd never risk Cassie. I love her."
"And she loves you. We love you, and I want us to have a family."
"Nothing would make me happier."
They shared a tender kiss, or two, or three before they joined Cassie in bed.
The little girl woke up to see her Mama and Livia in the bed. She happily moved between them and went back to sleep.
Abbie made flapjacks and bacon for breakfast. She went to get Alex to tell her and she saw the trio asleep.
"Aw that's too cute." Cassie was holding on to both of her parents.
"I smell pancakes," Alex grumbled.
"What kind of guest would I be if I didn't offer up some of Texas' finest?"
"Not while Cassie's in the room," Alex teased.
"Get your family up before the food gets cold." It was hard watching Alex with someone else, but Abbie did want her friend to be happy. Alex stood aside for her and Abbie would do the same.
10 minutes later, they were all eating at the table.
"What did you want to do today?" Alex asked Abbie.
"I don't want to impose."
"Nonsense, you are our friend, and we want to hang out with you."
"I did want to see the MET."
"We can go around noon."
"Cassie won't get bored."
"She likes art, especially the mummies."
Olivia was about to ask Alex something when her phone rang.
"Excuse me."
She looked and it was Casey. DAMN IT!
"Hello."
"I'm really sorry about last night."
"We need to talk, in person."
"Do you want to meet at your place?"
"Give me 30 minutes."
"See you then."
Abbie gave Alex a look. You know who that is.
Olivia and Alex had a sidebar.
"I need to break up with Casey."
Alex nodded. "Did you want to go clubbing with us tonight?"
"Yes, and I'll probably stay out of your hair this afternoon. Abbie came up to see you. You should spend time with her."
"I'll call you later today."
Olivia gave her a quick kiss, and she was out the door.
"I sure picked a crazy weekend to come up here," Abbie told her.
"As you can see, life with the Cabots is never boring."
While Alex and Abbie started to plan their afternoon, Olivia was on her way to her own apartment.
The detective was changing into a new outfit when Casey rang the bell.
When she got to the door, Casey's face was puffy. She had likely been crying just as much as Olivia had been the night before.
They sat down on the couch.
"I can't believe last night happened," Casey told her. "It's like watching a nightmare where you think you're just a witness, and you see this horrible monster, and then you look and realize that you are the monster."
"You're not a monster, Case."
"I threw a bottle at you."
"Wasn't the first time someone threw a bottle at me."
"That's what makes it even worse. I'm so ashamed."
"I forgive you Casey. It was wrong, but you were in a lot of pain; pain that I caused."
"But you didn't cause it. I was insecure and jealous."
"That may be, but you weren't wrong."
"What?"
"I still love Alex. I tried to stop, but when she came back, a part of me that I thought had died came back with her.
After her fight, I went to her apartment."
"I can't hear this."
"We didn't hookup," Olivia told her. "We talked for a long time about where we went wrong. We decided to start again."
The moment of truth was here. "Did you ever love me?"
"I did; I still do, but not the way you deserve to be loved. You deserve a woman who can give you everything. I always held back because …"
"I wasn't her."
Olivia nodded.
"Sometimes, I feel like no matter how hard I try, I will never be enough."
"You are so much more than you think you are. I wish you could see it."
Casey went home to sulk.
Olivia knew Casey would find someone better, someone more deserving. Suddenly, Olivia had an idea.