The Definition of Love
After new moon. When Alice makes a terrible mistake, how will it affect the Cullens? And more importantly how will it affect Bella? Told from Bella's POV.
Don't own anything.
Thanks to CullenGirlBrazil, LuvJ, sarcasm110011, .I Talk-2-Evil Little Pixies., Julman, zoelol, JJ, Alex Belle, loooou, bitten2, Alice-Cullen-fan-17, willnevergettiredofYOU, Svtwilfan and Emerald Demona for the reviews. I appreciate all of them, I'm not sure if I ever said this. I wanted to be able to respond to them all, but seeing that I cant, I settle for the ones that have some of question in them. =)
CullenGirlBrazil, I have to admit that I did not read that one, lol, "A moreninha" wasn't on the list the year I took 'vestibular'. But I have to admit that I didn't read most of the books on the list, they really sucked. I think "A cidade e as serras" is the most boring book of all time, I couldn't go through the second page, so it didn't make me feel like reading the other books. "Dom Casmurro" was one of the few ones that I actually read. Lol. So, I can't say much about the ending of "A moreninha", but I can tell you this: this story will have a happy ending. Eventually. Hopefully, you will be around to see it. =)
Talk-2-Evil Little Pixies., your secret is safe with me…. I promise. ; )
Alex Belle, I totally agree with you. Now if we can only get them to see it….. lol
Emerald Demona, im glad to see that I was not making Jasper to be a jerk, cause all the responses that ive been getting, I was thinking I was taking things a little too far with him…. Im glad someone feels for him…. He is not THE bad guy, at least he is not meant to be…. But ill let u guys see for yourself and decide...
And, yes, we will have Jasper taking a hike, jealous Alice, and much more…. (don't tell anyone, but I like long stories….) Lol
Thank you all for the support, and sorry it took me this long to post it here…. On the bright side, next chapter is almost done…. Shouldn't take too long, maybe 4 -7 years…..lmao…. hopefully, you guys/girls are still reading it.
Chapter 9 - Spy in the House of Love
The periods of time that I was not with Alice I usually spent testing my new abilities; I wanted to learn what I could do. I hoped that when I became a vampire I would get a special power like Alice's, but up to now I had noticed nothing different about me. I was nothing more than an ordinary vampire.
Edward called every once and while, to inform that he was fine. He usually spoke to Esme or to Carlisle, but sometimes I heard him ask about me, and that gave me hope that he still cared and that maybe someday we could be friends.
I was left alone in the house when all of them left for work or school, and I suddenly realized why Edward was so good at everything. So good at school, so good at playing music, so good at doing whatever he did when he was not with me. He had more time than things to fill it up with, so he found new things to learn.
Calling my mother ever once and awhile helped, but I couldn't talk to her all day long, she had other things to do. It was not like she was trapped inside her house.
Charlie was another matter entirely. I hadn't called him again ever since he had tried to find me. It was for his own protection. I did write him an email, but I was 100% sure that he wouldn't see it, he never checked his inbox. So, I had sent it to Jacob, asking him to please print it and deliver it to my dad.
I wasn't sure if he would try to track down my email, but I hoped that he wouldn't. I wanted to trust that my dad would follow through with his promise and not try to find me.
I wanted to trust Charlie, I really did. But his life was too important for me to simply allow him to decide whether or not he would come to his death. With that in mind, I looked everywhere I could on ways to hide my IP address. What can I say? I told you I had a lot of time on my hands.
And I know this might seem like what Edward did with me, leaving me to protect me, but this is completely different. I was a newborn and I didn't have any control over myself, but Edward had more than enough of it. Ok, not exactly, but you got the point.
I wrote the email to Charlie saying that I loved him and mom, and that I missed both of them very much, but that I couldn't come home. And that I wouldn't be able to get back home for a little while. I had also told him it was not his fault that I had left, and there was nothing he could have done to make me stay. I ended telling him he was the best dad that I could've ever hoped for.
A couple of weeks later, my mom told me he had gotten it, and that he had asked her to tell me that he loved me too, and I was the best daughter he could have ever asked for. He had also said that he wouldn't try to find me while I didn't want to be found.
I wasn't sure I believed that, but I would call him every once in a while, always paying attention if I heard anything different on the other line. There was none that I could find.
After that, both of my parents started sending me emails, I would answer them the best I could, trying not to give anything away. And as soon I did it, I would delete the computer's history. I had found a program that left no traces, which was really good, because I couldn't really risk the Cullens finding anything.
Once, to my utmost surprise, I got an email from Jacob. It was short, and direct. He was asking me if I had killed anyone yet. I actually laughed at that, and I couldn't really explain why. It had just caught me by surprise. Not the message itself, but the fact that he had sent me one.
I replied. 'Not yet. 56 days and still counting.'
Eventually, I got a response to that one too. And for the next one, and the one after that. And all the others I sent him. His messages were brief and to the point, and they came after long periods of time. But I was just glad that he was once again talking to me.
My relationship with Alice, on the other hand, was getting weirder by the second. And a big part of that was my fault. I wasn't really sure how to act around her anymore.
Firstly, because I was lying to her. But I wasn't really lying, you see, I was just not telling. I was not telling Alice that I was still in contact with my mother, my father and Jacob. But she had never asked, so it couldn't really be considered lying. Ok, I was lying my ass off. And that made me feel like a bitch.
Because I had never lied to Alice, only once when James (you know the vampire that decided that I needed to be tracked down and killed) made me lie to her to get me away from her and her family. But excluding that, Alice knew everything that there was to know about me, every little secret; after all she was my best friend, and I kept nothing from her. Until I became a vampire.
It didn't help that I also thought that she was hiding something from me. But I couldn't really prove that.
Secondly, I might have a slightly tiny completely unfounded suspicious that there was a small possibility that I might be developing a very little crush on Alice.
Nothing to worry about.
Really.
I could deal with that.
Not a problem.
Just an inconvenient.
It was just a tiny little crush and it would go away soon, there was no need for anyone to find out about that. That is, anyone but her husband, considering that he was an empath and could feel my emotions. He probably knew it before I did.
He probably knew that her smile made butterflies dance in my stomach; he probably saw that her movements had me entranced, Jasper probably felt that her touch set my skin on fire.
But I needed him to be the only one to recognize it.
Jasper wouldn't say anything, he would have already told Alice if he wanted her to know. Neither one of us would let my little pixie find out, and that's probably the only thing we could agree on at the moment.
I don't know how I would face her if she ever found out. I couldn't see the rejection and the pity in her eyes.
This may sound random, but do you know one of the things that I miss the most from my human life?
It's not my heartbeat.
It's not the feel of the air entering my lungs.
It's not the color of my cheeks.
And it's definitely not my clumsiness.
I miss being able to sleep.
I miss the ability to close my eyes and for a few hours let go of the world around me. To go to another one, one world that belonged to me, one that I controlled. One world where I didn't have to hear Alice's moans when Jasper touched her.
As I laid in my bed, with my eyes closed, still like a statue I wished I didn't posses superhuman senses, that I didn't hear his declarations of love to her.
Those nights that she spent with him seemed to be endless, but I had already given up trying to get anything done while I heard then. Nothing could take my mind of those two making love just a few doors down.
And not in a perverted, lustful kind of way. It was more like controlling myself not to rip him apart kind of way.
I had tried to think of something else, tried letting my mind wander, but it didn't work, it never worked. All I could do was listen, hoping it would end soon. It never did.
It was early morning when she entered my room freshly showered by the way she smelled, and I was still lied down in the middle of bed, eyes closed. Someone else could have confounded for a corpse if not for how hard my jaw was set. But then again who would pay attention to that when you have a pale, hard body with a heart that didn't beat lying down in front of you?
Well, apparently Alice would.
"Something wrong, Bella?" She asked.
"No." I lied once again, finally opening my eyes and unclenching my jaw.
Alice was beautiful.
I had always thought so, but now, knowing that I had a small crush on her, well, now, it was much easier to see it. Now, it was harder to ignore that small drop of water that still remained from her shower and ran down her neck, and into her designed clothes.
She walked towards me, and sat down on the bed her left hand on my shoulder. Her movements were precise and graceful as always, but something was different. Something was missing.
"Can I talk to you for a minute?" She asked in all seriousness. Alice wasn't serious, she was always cherry and happy and bubbly.
"Sure, but don't you have school?" I asked.
"Not for a few hours"
This was weird.
I didn't really know what time it was, just that the sun had already came up. Usually she stayed with her lover until the last possible moment before she had to get ready for school. That lover being either me or Jasper.
But wait, did I just say that there was a sun? I took another look and there it was, looking back at me.
"You can't go to school today. The sun." I told her, like it was something that she would have overlooked.
"It will be gone by the time we get there."
"Ok, so what did you wanna talk to me about?"
She got up and started pacing, and instantly I missed her hand on me. I had never seen her so restless before, whatever it was that she wanted to tell me, it sure was important. Alice had stopped by the window doors, and some of rays of sunshine were touching her glistening skin.
She looked like a Goddess.
It was then that I realized that I had never seen myself under the sun. It was something that intrigued me, but I think that this might not be the best time to try it. Something told me I should be paying less attention to the sun and more attention to what Alice had to say.
"The thing is, Bella, I don't know exactly how to say this, but-" She never got to finish, because Rosalie barged in without as much as a knock on the door.
"Sorry to disrupt" The blonde said, but she didn't look sorry at all. "But I need to speak with you, Alice."
"Rose, I'm kind of in the middle of something at the moment." My pixie answered, clearly annoyed at the interruption. This was so unlike her, Alice was always in such a good mood.
"I know, but this is important. You can carry this on later." She said unrelenting, and continued not even looking at me. Her eyes were glued to Alice's "Emmett is downstairs to take you hunting, Bella."
"But, I don't need to-"
"Emmett is waiting, Bella"
"Hum, Ok." I realized that there was no arguing with Rosalie, so I did as I had been told.
Had I just been kicked out of my own room?
I went down the stairs and surely there Emmett was, waiting for me, with a smile on his face. He was waiting for me to make one little mistake so that he could tease senseless.
"So, Bells, ready to go?"
"Yeah, sure."
"I'll make you a bet, whoever gets the biggest animal gets to pick the game that we are gonna play tonight. Deal?"
It was a habit that we had picked up, whenever Alice would spend the night with Jasper, Emmett and I would spend it playing video games, that is, until Rosalie got bored with it, and snatched him away to their bedroom.
She never took part in our games, Rosalie just let me and her husband play as she watched and pretended to read a magazine.
"Yeah, sure." I wasn't really interested, tonight it was my night with Alice, so it was not like we were gonna play for long.
"Great, I'm so gonna win this. Not that it matters anyway. I can kick your ass in any game we play."
Of course he could. I was never paying much attention to it anyways. My mind was always in what was happening on the floor above ours.
I had even broken several controllers, and it had all been attributed to me not knowing my own strength, but if anyone had cared to pay enough attention every time I broke one there had been a higher moan in Jasper's room or a deeper declaration of love. Thankfully no one had ever pointed that out. yet
"Let's see about that."
He continued talking, but I wasn't really paying attention, I wanted to know if I could hear what Alice and Rosalie were talking about. They had remained quiet while Emmett and I left the house, and I was already giving up hope overhearing anything when Rosalie's angry voice caught my attention.
"WHAT ARE YOU THINKING, ALICE? YOU CAN NOT DO THIS!"
"IT'S NOT YOUR DECISION TO MAKE!"
"YOU ARE MAKING A MISTAKE!"
My enhanced newborn vampire hearing was not capable of picking up Alice's response, nor anything that transpired after that. But after I returned home, Alice had already given up telling me anything.
Have I ever mentioned how much I hate Rosalie?
Either way, I didn't go back at that moment, I followed Emmett into the woods. As I had tried to explain to Rosalie (aka the bitch), I had hunted recently, but talking about it always made the fire in my throat burn stronger.
We reached an area that he felt that was secure enough, and allowed me to start. We didn't need to be right beside each other, and usually Emmett was the one that allowed the biggest room to breathe as we hunted. Ironically, Rosalie was the one that kept the closest.
I found a small deer close by and proceeded in that direction. I knew that it wouldn't win the bet against Emmett, but as I said, I wasn't really interested in it. I just wanted to get this over with.
And then I remembered Carlisle request. He wanted me to walk away from hunting an animal. I guessed that this was the best time to do it. I wasn't really hungry so that would probably be the best time to try it.
I wasn't completely sure how far I needed to be once I tried it. I knew that if I was too far away, it would be too easy, but if I was really close I probably would not be able to do it. I decided to take the hard away, I was tired of people protecting me, dismissing me, and sending me away. I was gonna do it, and the deer would survive. I could control myself.
Needless to say, that deer died.
When the next conscious thought came through my mind I was kneeled down beside its corpse, soaked in blood. My anger came to me at once, and before I knew it, I had torn down a few trees, enough so that the sun could reach me.
I noticed a ray of the sun on my right arm. And to my great surprise and disappointment, there was no light emanating from it. I didn't shine. I tried to move to the area where the light was stronger, but that didn't make any difference. What was wrong with me? Where was my diamond-like skin? Was I as defective as a vampire as I once had been as a human?
I heard someone approach, so I quickly hid in the shadows. I had no intention to show anyone my new flaw, my defect, my weakness. It only reflected my incapacity to be like everyone else. I managed to be the only vampire with an imperfection.
"Are you done, Bella?" Emmett asked, and I just nodded. I was still freaked out by what I had just discovered. "Bella, it seems like I won, once again."
He was right, I took a look at the animal (I couldn't even tell what it had been by the way that Emmett had killed it) that he was carrying with him and I didn't need to look twice to know that his was much bigger.
"So, let's get back. I need to be taught the value of X once again."
I followed him once we disposed of the bodies, but I wasn't really paying attention to where we were going. Hopefully, he would take me back to the house and not to, I don't know, Japan or something.
Today was not a good day, it never was when Alice spent the night with her husband
"Bella" Emmett tried again, even if I had been quiet up to this point. "What was that? Did your clumsiness followed you even after you became a vampire?" He joked.
He was referring to my lack of ability to catch that deer. Truthfully, that had been caused by my stupid attempt not to kill it. Another failure.
"Yeah, I suppose so." I replied defeated.
"You must be dysfunctional or something. I have never heard of a vampire that wasn't graceful" Emmett was just teasing me, but he didn't know how right he actually was. I was a dysfunctional vampire. I didn't shine. I wonder what else is wrong with me.
"Yeah."
He didn't try to start a conversation again after that.
When we reached the house, most of the occupants were already gone, Rosalie was the only one waiting for her husband to get ready so they could go to school.
It was the first time I was glad that I was left alone, I really didn't want to talk to any of them at the moment. I didn't want to look at them and see how perfect they were, knowing that once again I came up short. I wasn't one of them.
I called my mom, it was comforting hearing about her problems and her life, even if I couldn't tell her what was wrong, or that talk to her for that matter. I felt better once I disconnected the call.
Hours later, I was locked in my room, the Cullens were all downstairs but I felt no desire to join them. But it didn't take long until there was a knock on my door and I was disappointed to realize that it was not Alice's scent.
I unlocked the door.
"May I come in?" Carlisle asked.
"Yeah, sure." I didn't know what this was about, I think it was the first time he ever entered my room.
I sat down on the bed, but Carlisle remained standing still on the other side of the room. I was waiting, after all he was the one that had come here, he was the one that had something to say and I wasn't really in the mood to start pointless conversations.
"I spoke to Emmett today. He told me you found some trouble hunting earlier."
"Yeah."
"I'm here to enquire whether there is anything wrong with you." Yeah, there is. I can't shine. But I don't think he meant it that way.
"Not really. I was just trying to control myself like you said."
"I thought that might be the case. And as you have already tried my suggestion, do you want to continue our previous conversation?"
"There is really nothing to say. I killed it."
"However, you tried not to." He wasn't asking, but I felt the need to respond anyway.
"Yes."
"Bella, this was not a test to evaluate whether or not you were able to refrain from killing an animal. I merely wanted you to try." Carlisle explained, but I'm not sure it made any difference. The deer was still dead.
"Ok, so I tried."
"And how was it?"
"I don't know, it was weird. And then it was dead."
"There are no right and wrong answers here, Bella. You may speak your mind."
"It was like someone else took over. It wasn't me."
"You felt like you weren't in control of your actions"
"Exactly. It was the same as before, with the humans."
"That's the vampire inside of you. It's telling you that he needs blood."
"And how do I control it?" I needed to know this. I wanted to see my mom again. I desperately needed my family.
"You don't. You become it, and you let it become you."
"I don't understand"
"You need to accept that you are not the Bella you once knew. There is no going back." He spoke the words I longed for much time, and yet I dreaded them now. "You are no longer human, from now on you are a vampire. And as such you do have certain needs."
"But if I just let it go, if I just give in to these needs, then I'll kill everyone that I meet"
"That's not entirely true. Vampires are creatures of urges, yes. As you may have noticed. But you are not only a vampire. There needs to be a balance. Find something that both you and the vampire want, and try to consolidate your needs from there."
"Is that how you do it?"
"Precisely. Bella, my family is of upmost importance to me, and every human I meet posses a trace that reminds me of them."
"And the vampire?"
"We are one, there are not two of me anymore."
"But what if I'm not like you?"
"I expect you not be like me, Bella. It would be rather tedious to talk to myself, don't you think?" Is this his idea of a joke? Because so not the right time here. I'm not sure if he noticed, but I'm kinda of freaking out.
"That's not what I meant."
"In that case, could you be more specific?"
"What if I don't care enough about humans, about my family to keep myself from hurting them?"
"Firstly, if I may say, there is no one in this world that can say that you don't care enough about your family, Bella. You have endangered yourself numerous times to protect those around you. Secondly, I don't believe you can measure how much you care about someone by your desire to bite them."
"But didn't you just say that you don't hurt people because you care about them? I want to be like that too, I don't want to be a monster."
"That wouldn't make you a monster, Bella. Just a vampire."
"It seems like the same thing to me."
"They don't need to be."
"Yeah, that's why you become a vegetarian."
"I don't suppose that's true."
"You don't? I thought you of all people would be agreeing with me."
"I suspect you may be confusing my believes with Edward's"
"I didn't know they were different."
"In Edward's mind, anyone that kills a human being is a monster."
"And in your mind…"
"I don't see a difference between killing a human and an animal. I don't think it makes you anymore of a monster to kill a human than to kill a bear. We are not humans anymore, Bella."
"But you don't kill humans."
"Because they remind me of my family. No other reason. I have several friends that do drink human blood, and in my mind, none of them are monsters. It's different than James, he wanted to make a game of hunting you. That I can not accept, but the others hunt to survive in the same way that humans kill cows to eat."
"Are you serious?"
"You were given a choice when you were first turned. You could have chosen to hunt humans and we would have supported you. You still can."
"You really mean that?"
"Yes. Bella, do you want to hunt humans?" He spoke slowly, slower than usual. Carlisle was giving me time to process his words and still, there was no easy answer.
"I'm not sure. I don't think I do."
"No one else can make that decision for you."
"I know. It just seems too much for me."
"Time. Just give it time. You will become accustomed with the changes."
"If you say so."
"I do. Please, inform me once you have made your decision. And if you do decide to hunt humans, the only thing I ask of you is that you do not do it close to our lands. It could draw unwanted attention."
"Of course."
"In that case, I believe this conversation shall once again be put on hold. You are welcome to join us downstairs, Bella."
"Thanks."
And then he left, back to his family. Carlisle didn't close my door though, I think he might be waiting for me to join them.
I followed his footsteps until I reached the stairs, but I couldn't descend it. I'm not sure if they noticed that I was there, studying them. They made no indication that they had sensed my presence. I looked down and I watched them as a family, teasing and playing and laughing and talking together. Beautiful. Perfect.
I wasn't one of them. I didn't belong with them.
I was a failure.
My eyes found Alice. I could see the smile on her face. She was happy interacting with the ones that loved her. The ones that she loved.
And in the same time that it made me incredible happy to see her like this, it also torn me to shreds. Because this thing that I was feeling for Alice, this infatuation. What if it was not just a crush? What if it was more than that?
Could it be possible that this was… love?
And that was it. I hope you liked it. It was probably the longest chapter I ever wrote… trying to compensate the long wait…..
I know that I wanted to say something else, but I can't remember it now…. Guess you will have to wait for the next one to find out what it is ;) see ya.
Please review.