A/N: Ahem!

Haven't said this in a while...

LIGHT SMUT EVERYONE

If it makes you uncomfortable, you may skip it if you'd like.

But hey, you knew this was M. ;D

Thank you all for the support!

I just started back up in school and I've been pretty bummed out...but everytime I get a review, I can't help but feel all cheered up! So again thank you for that!

Also, excuse Grimmjow's very scatter-brained and hormonal thoughts. XD

Enjoy! :3

You can have my isolation.

You can have the hate that it brings.

You can have my absence of faith.

You can have my everything.

-Nine Inch Nails 'Closer'

"Renji!" Yoruichi shouts as she tackles him. "Oh, I've missed you so much!"

"I've missed you too," he replies and hugs her.

That night Yoruichi cooks a big dinner. It makes me smile, because it's almost like we're a real family. Renji's the older brother coming home from college or whatever, and we, the family, greet him with open arms and the home-cooked meal he's longed for.

The only thing is, I shouldn't want to fuck my older brother.

I think that most of it is just pent-up anger from the last few weeks of court, but when I'm angry, I also get horny as hell.

My body is just doing it's natural thing right?

Wrong.

I thought about him last night, the one who was in the shop yesterday.

For no fucking reason.

I tried to stop the ache between my legs from growing, but when you're a teenager, and you like someone a lot, there's not much you can do about that.

My brain wouldn't stop.

I quickly jerked myself off then almost broke my iPod out of frustration because I couldn't sleep.

Thinking about him like that makes me feel disgusting.

He probably thinks I'm really gross.

I hate myself for liking him so much...

I haven't had sex in a long time.

Maybe three months.

I went to this party. Well, I was more like dragged there.

This pink-haired kid from school let me fuck him.

I was pissed and he liked that, so we found an empty room in the house.

But he was piss-drunk, and he had a reputation for getting fucked by a lot of people, so it wasn't very good.

He was kinda loose and I can't even remember if I came or not...

But that was the last time...so yeah.

I feel like fucking the shit out of everything to ease my aggressive thoughts.

And it doesn't help that we're all walking around the house shirtless because of the heat.

Everytime Renji walks by I just wanna...

See. This is what I'm talking about.

I probably shouldn't be talking about it because it's pissing me off even more, but it's true.

Renji is still the same, but he's so damn different.

I don't even know how to be around him anymore.

He tells me about his mom again. Things are better but she's still sick. He's angry.

And all I can think about is when he tackled me to the grass yesterday.

I'm so selfish and inconsiderate.

I want him, and I hate myself for it.

He's my best friend.

And I can't just tell him that.

I'm not even sure if he knows I'm into guys too. Yeah, we kissed when we were kids, but we were kids. It could have easily been a phase.

But it wasn't for me.

Renji's starting to notice I'm staying away from him.

Crap.

Everything is making me angry.

I don't know what to do, but I'm just angry.

That night, I make myself a sandwich in the kitchen.

Everyone else is asleep so it's the perfect time.

Beethoven joins me.

My angry—and hormonal—thoughts die down to a dull buzz.

Until Renji comes downstairs too, then they buzz louder and my heart rate picks up.

He looks angry too, a deep scowl on his face and his fingers scratching his hair.

His mouth moves, but I can't hear him.

I've practiced reading lips for years, though.

"Hey," he grumbles then yawns.

My guts start squirming.

I just nod in return.

He goes to the fridge, makes a sandwich too.

His mouth moves again, but I can't see it so I don't say anything.

I think he knows because he turns around.

"Why're you mad, Blue?" His lips form the words well enough for me to read them so I don't take out my earphones.

I secretly like it when he calls me that.

He didn't just default to 'Grimm' like everyone else.

That was actually his first nickname for me.

"I'm always mad," I reply simply then take another bite.

"Me too," he says then sits next to me. I take my earphones out because staring at his lips is making me insane.

"What're you mad about?"

"My mom. She just refuses to get better." He says with a full mouth then runs his fingers through his hair. "You?"

"Everything." When I say it, he looks at me, but I just stare at my sandwich.

I don't want to see the pity.

But his gaze is like a magnet sometimes.

His chocolate eyes seem darker right now. They're full of something familiar, but I can't name it.

Shit, slow the fuck down, Heart. My fucking chest hurts.

I go blank when his lips are on mine.

Oh, it's been so long.

It was a chaste kiss, just lightly on the lips.

But it's enough to make me go brain-dead.

I can't remember how long his lips were there, maybe a few seconds, but then they're gone.

When my system unfreezes, I notice his eyebrows are upturned.

"Sorry," he mumbles then backs away. He keeps his eyes off me.

I know he's thinking about what's happened to me.

How emotionally unstable I must be right now.

He doesn't want to take advantage of me.

But I could fucking care less about that.

Without thinking, I push my face to his.

He's surprised, but he doesn't pull away.

This time, it's a rough kiss. Our tongues glide together swiftly and smoothly. I suck on his lip.

I can taste anger in his mouth. It mixes with mine.

It's fucking hot.

Renji stands up and we break. He grabs my wrist and pulls me to his room. He closes the door then kisses me again.

I don't know how, but next thing I know we're on the floor.

His lips are on my neck, my hands are down his boxers. He grinds into my palm and I feel his hardness throb.

My boxers are pulled off.

His boxers are pulled off.

My legs are spread.

His legs move between them.

He unwraps a condom.

I hump his thigh needily as I wait.

I'm almost ashamed that I want him to fuck me so bad.

I didn't realize I'd said that last part out loud until he pushes my legs up to rest on his waist.

"Y-Yeah," he breathes heavily. I guess that was some sort of reply because he thrusts into me. I moan loudly, but he deftly covers my mouth and stops moving.

Ok, I get it. We need to be quiet.

"Don't fuckin stop."

I bite into my lip then throw my head back when he pushes back in. His thrusts are so fucking slow, but he uses so much force that we skid across the floor a little.

I can't remember how long it's been, but I know we went at it about three times.

If you would've told me that one day I'd be lying underneath my best friend with my legs spread as he destroyed my asshole, I'd call you a sick-minded, dirty fucking liar.

Yet here I am.

And who would've thought Renji was a fucking animal?

Literally, after about an hour of only muffled grunts, he let out the deepest, most guttural moan I'd ever heard. Just hearing it caused me to make a fucking mess all over myself.

When we're done, he pulls out of me and falls on my back. I try to get up and go to my own room, but Renji grabs my arm and holds me down. He shoves his tongue into my mouth roughly and we kiss for a bit. I'm not one for cuddling, and I don't even like Renji like that, so I feel weird when he traps my arms and torso in his hold.

But I guess I can't go anywhere with this big ape on me.

When I wake up, I'm still on the floor. I'm convinced it was a dream, but when I sit up, I feel stiffness around my abdomen.

Gross, I think when I look down at the dried substance.

I smell like sex too. The whole room does. Renji's not here, but he had to leave this morning anyway. There's a sheet over me so I assume he put it there. I get up and groan immediately.

My fucking back hurts.

The idiot didn't even think to put a pillow under me or something?

My ass throbs as I painfully make my way to the shower. The hot water soothes my aches away. When I get out, I head back to my room and see the light blink on my phone. I walk over then unlock it.

Hey, Blue. About last night...It was great and all but...I got kinda caught up in the moment and I'm sorry I didn't try to stop myself. :/ We still good?

I roll my eyes.

At least I didn't have to say it. I quickly text back a reply.

Yes, baka. We were probably both too horny for our own good. Lol. But don't worry about it. I won't trip if you won't. :)

Good. At least there no feelings involved. I couldn't deal with that.

After that, I go downstairs. Kisuke and Jinta are eating breakfast and I realize I'm starving when my stomach growls. There's already a plate for me so I sit down and shove a whole pancake into my mouth.

"Morning, Grimmjow," Kisuke says curtly. I raise my eyebrow at his tone then eat another whole pancake.

"Morning?" I muffle through the food. There's a bit of silence before he speaks up again.

"I know what you and Renji did."

When I hear that, my food catches in my throat making me choke. I push my chair back and cough violently.

What. The. Fuck.

"Jinta, go watch cartoons," he says then looks at me.

"'Kay." The kid gets up and runs upstairs and I try I catch my breath.

"What?" I pant heavily after getting all my food down.

"Grimmjow, I'm dissappointed in both of you."

"How did you know?..."

"You both were eating like starving animals."

"..." Well I can't say anything that will help the situation, so I just look down and stay quiet.

"Grimmjow... I know things are hard for you right now, but you can't go around using people whenever you want," Kisuke sounded dissappointed, but I didn't think it was that bad.

"We used each other, in a way," I mumble with a shrug. "I was mad and he was mad. What's wrong with that?"

"That doesn't make it any better!" He pinches the bridge of his nose and sighs. "Look, if things are seriously that hard, and therapy isn't making you any happier..." Kisuke reached to the floor behind him then came back up. He tossed something on the table, one medium-sized bag and a small orange bottle.

Inside the bag was green.

Inside the bottle was red

Well, there goes my day.

"No way."

"Grimmjow, you have to take one of them. If you don't want to smoke then take the pills."

My skin is getting hot.

"No no no! They make me feel fucking dead, Kisuke!" I shout and stand from the table. "I can't do it anymore!"

"Then you have to take the other. If you don't then this thing will progress."

Here we go.

"What thing!?" I slam my fist down. "Nothing is wrong with me! Why doesn't anyone get that!?"

At this point I'm just lying to myself.

I don't have the kind of PTSD where I cry all the fucking time.

I just blow up.

"I didn't say anything was." His voice is getting tense and I feel like things are about to kick off.

"Then why do I need this stuff? Why can't I just handle things myself!"

"Because what you're doing won't make things go away!"

"And fucking smoking pot will?"

"We won't know unless you try! The doctor said it should help!"

"I don't give a fuck what the doctor said! I don't need to smoke that!" I snap.

"You smoke cigarettes! It's basically the same thing!"

"Well, that's a lie."

"I'm done arguing with you. As long as you're here, you will follow my rules," he tosses me the bag of weed and I toss it right back. I send him a glare then turn to leave. "Grimmjow!"

I don't stop.

He pissed me off and I pissed myself off.

I need to be alone.

It's hot out, so I just throw on a wife-beater and a beanie.

I don't know where I'm gonna go, but I know I'm gonna go somewhere.

Wait, I know where.

I can't argue with Kisuke. Never again.

The last time I argued with him, we both almost tore the house down with our yelling.

I was in my rebellious stage.

He slammed me into a wall as he threatened me.

He seemed extremely angry, like he hated me.

Yoruichi cried, which was unlike her.

I've never seen her tears before and it made both of us stop.

Kisuke comforted her, I sat over in the corner as I watched them.

After she angrily left, he turned to me, his eyes softer and full of regret.

I don't know why I gave him such a hard time.

I guess it was because I knew he didn't really want me there. The only reason he even agreed to take me in was because of Yoruichi. He thinks no one knows, but I can tell he's deeply in love with her. He would do anything she asked for.

And letting me stay was one of them.

But eventually I did learn that Kisuke cared about me.

I learned in the worst possible way, accompanied with a slap, might I add.

I can't ever argue that hard with him again, though.

If I did I just might end up destroying myself.

It's weird thinking about it, but I love Kisuke too much to put him through that again.

I know he's only looking out for me, and he's worried I might do something that I will regret.

He thinks I'll get too attracted to Renji and end up hurting us both and messing everything up.

But that's absurd.

I know I don't have any feelings for Renji because I don't even feel the slightest tingle in my right brain when I think of him.

The right brain controls emotion, creativity, colors, things like that.

All things I'm losing touch with.

I don't feel like I used to.

I hardly ever paint anymore.

I fail to see the color and vibrancy in the world around me.

Everything feels like a dream.

Will I ever wake up?

I just want to be normal.

I don't want to be smart anymore.

I don't want to be a spaz.

I don't want to be crazy.

I snap out of my thoughts when my feet touch sand.

The park is not very full today. Probably due to the heat, but I'm grateful.

I don't need to be around a lot of people right now.

No one is on the swing. Good.

I head over there and get weird looks from the old people sitting around the sandbox.

I don't really care.

I like the swing.

The momentum helps my blood flow and gets enough to my head to think.

But I don't think of good things.

I think of how people will treat me when school starts up again.

I'm sure they all know by now.

Maybe I shouldn't go at all.

I didn't have many friends anyway, and they definitely won't miss me now.

I feel like a slut.

I opened my legs for Renji without a second thought.

He probably thinks I'm one too. He hasn't seen me in years, so how could he know what's up with me now?

If I were taking the meds, I'd be even more depressed.

There's a tap on my shoulder before someone speaks.

"Hey," a deep voice grunts. "Can my kid swing?"

I turn around and my eyes widen.

Fucking Kenpachi Zaraki is standing behind me looking like a back-alley thug, while the cutest little pink-haired shit I'd ever seen hides behind his leg.

"Grimmjow? Fuck, I didn't recognize you with that beanie on your head!" He laughs.

"What are you doing here, Zaraki?" I ask almost irritated. "I thought I'd at least get weekends off."

"Don't be stupid. I come here every Sunday with my daughter," he looks down at her then moves her in front of him. "Yachiru, this is Grimmjow. He's one of the people daddy talks to." I bend down to her and hold my hand out.

I may not seem like it, but I've always liked kids.

"Hey," I say with a smile. "I'm Grimmjow." Yachiru raises an eyebrow and just stares at me before she says:

"He's crazy too, huh?" She asks then points her finger at me. I stand up and sigh.

"Cute kid," I say. "I bet she'll be just like you." The false enthusiasm makes Zaraki snicker a bit.

"Kenny, c'mon! I wanna swing!" She shouts and tries to climb up on the swing by herself. A laugh bubbles in the back of my throat and comes out my nose.

"Your daughter calls you 'Kenny'?" I ask. He rolls his eyes then scoffs.

"Shut up. Yachiru, let's try a smaller swing, yeah?" He says then picks her up. Before they walk off, he turns back to me. "C'mon. Why don't you hang out with us? You look like shit over here all by yourself."

Without waiting for my answer, they start to walk.

And I find myself following.

Well, we got a little insight on Grimm.

He and Renji had a mutual agreement to have sex to release tension. We know he's really smart, but he doesn't want to be. And we learned a little more about the way he feels about certain things.

Even if he's just telling himself, I think it's good he's coming to term with some things.

I hope you guys liked this chapter!

R&R, please!

~EMAE