A/N: I know the last chapter was a lot to take in, but I promise that I will not make you guys that uncomfortable again.

This chapter is more of a soft filler, but I felt the need for one after last chapter and before Grimmy goes back to school.

Thanks for sticking around.

Enjoy! :D

Rushing in a small town
I forgot to call you
I'm running low on know how
With this beat I made for two
Cause I remember that I like you
No matter what I found
She said, "It's nice to have your friends round
But we're watching the television with no sound"
It's just you and I tonight
Why don't you figure my heart out?
It's just you and I tonight
Why don't you figure my heart out?

-The 1975 'Heart Out'

I shouldn't be surprised when I wake up in my own bed.

But my dream took me somewhere I hadn't been in years.

I get out of bed and go downstairs. I expect to see Jinta eating cereal and I meant to join him, but he's not there,—no one is—so I just eat by myself. The silence of the house is odd considering the people I live with, but it's nice, I guess. I call Zaraki and ask to see him, so that I don't have to think about it all the entire weekend. He schedules one for today, and I lounge around until it's time to go.

Zaraki says he thinks he's found answers.

To what, exactly?

He's convinced me it's not my fault. None of it is.

I finally let myself believe it.

I tell him about Starrk, and about Renji. Everything about Starrk and Renji.

He says that he doesn't believe Starrk hates me. That, considering all we've been through, it would be impossible. He thinks that his hurtful words weren't directed at me, but at his father. I guess that makes sense.

That would explain why trying to push him away was like trying to get blood out of a rock.

Still though...I just can't forgive myself.

I've shattered his whole world along with my own.

"That's not true and you know it." It is true. "I bet if you ask him, you'll be sorely mistaken."

Zaraki also says that my whole thing with Renji might have been my psyche's attempt to drive away the potential fear of sex I might have developed. Renji was a key link in that. And even though I'd lost my innocence a long time ago, Renji was the first person I'd actually gave myself to with that kiss when we were kids, and my mind just chose him as the person that would help me fight. Usually, people lose themselves to fear, and can't escape the madness that comes, but I guess I was the miraculous outlier. I was a fighter, even in my subconscious.

"I'm proud of you Grimmjow." It feels good to hear that. I feel my eyes sting. "I know starting school will be tough, what with the rumors and all, but you'll fight through it. And I'll be there to help." Zaraki says. "You come to me for anything, anytime, ya hear?" I nod and wipe my eyes before I cry. We hug(it's been happening a lot lately), and he tells me to enjoy the rest of my summer.

Our next meeting won't be until school starts, but I can come to him before that. Though I doubt I will.

Things feel pretty good right now.

I kick a rock on the way home after hanging out at the park. On the swings, of course.

You know how when you kick a rock on the way home, and soon it becomes yours, a part of you, your fucking reason for living, and that rock is what holds you to the ground, and then you get sad when you have to leave it behind because of that street you have to cross?

Sorry, you probably don't.

My point is: it wasn't the same this time.

I'd kicked my rock for as long as I could, and when I'd crossed that street, and left that rock behind, I was no longer tethered to the ground, I felt like I could fly.

And I've never felt happier.

When I get home, there's still silence. I think everyone went out today. A light suddenly comes on.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY GRIMMJOW!"

Oh shit.

I hold my chest so that my heart doesn't fucking jump out of my chest. The shock makes me fall against the coat rack near the door and the crowd of cheering people quiet down. Kisuke rushes over to me and helps me up, telling everyone that I'm fine. We both laugh, and the crowd joins in.

I can't believe I'd forgotten my own birthday.

Everyone's here to see me. Ichigo, Orihime, Ulquiorra even, Kisuke and Yoruichi's friends, Renji and some short raven-haired girl next to him. Lots of people I don't know, and that makes me feel good. We have the party in the back on the grass, and Jinta leads me back there by my hand. It's decorated nicely, with tree lanterns and candles on each table and a big cake, chocolate, I presume, since it's my favorite. I sit with my friends. They tell me I look better. We talk, mostly about starting up school again. When everyone gets deep into that topic, Ichigo speaks with me quietly. He tells me that they don't believe the rumors that spread around school last year.

No, Grimmjow. You can't cry at your birthday party.

I meet Rukia, Renji's new girl, and she's really nice. Everything Renji said she was.

Kisuke gives a speech. He talks about how proud he is of me and, considering how much I've been through, how far I've come. He says he'll always be there for me when I need him and starts to cry.

Fuck you, Kisuke. I'm going to cry too.

At the end of the night I open my presents, mostly comprised of painting equipment and cool t-shirts, and an assortment of other really dorky things I like, and say my genuine thank yous. I'm confused when I don't get a gift from Kisuke or Yoruichi, and I call them out on it. They tell me I have to wait until the morning to get my gift and the crowd laughs when I pout.

I'm really happy. Like, I haven't been this giddily happy in years.

I really feel like fucking crying.

When everyone leaves, I take dish duty, grateful for Kisuke and Yoruichi's effort and refusing to let them lift another finger. It gives me time to reflect on all the good things life had offered me that I hadn't even bothered to notice before. I had compassionate, amazing, loyal friends, and a family that was even more so. A home, which lots of people can't say they have. A life, which some of my friends in the ground can't say they have either. Things were okay, for now. There's a knock on the door, and Kisuke and I both shout for it at the same time, but I let him take it. I just continue to wipe the dishes clean.

"Grimmjow, uh..." Kisuke comes to the kitchen and addresses me.

"Yeah?" I respond without turning around.

"That boy...he's here again. The one with the goatee? He didn't say why he was here, but..." I put my current dish down and grip my towel.

I know why he's here.

I nod then walk to the door. I open it and, sure enough, there he is. I notice he has a bag slung across his chest. He's got his hair in a low ponytail with a few strands hanging out, and is dressed in cargoes and a striped tank. I swallow my nervousness. He shifts from one leg to the other, gripping his shorts and opening his mouth to speak.

"Hi."

"Hi." Silence again. "Can I come in?"

I step aside and he walks past me. It's a weird thought, but he smells really good. He starts for the hallway, but I grab his hand and pull him to the kitchen. His hands have always been warm. I lean against the sink and he leans against the kitchen island. I clear my throat.

"Did you want to talk to me? Or..." He jumps when I speak.

"Y-Yeah, I...I came to say happy birthday."

"...Thanks."

"And I...came to apologize. I shouldn't have done what I did the other day. I kind of pushed it on you, and that wasn't right. I—"

I'm tired of him feeling guilty for my problems.

I step forward and silence him with my lips. Mine are still in the habit of being stiff at first contact, but he makes them loosen up when his tongue runs across them. I open them and he pushes me until my waist hits the counter. Our tongues dance, and I still haven't flipped out yet, so that's a good sign. My hands find his muscular arms, and they flex when I touch them. I move down until I reach his stomach; it's firm and flat against my palms. I grip his hips and run my thumbs over the exposed flesh there. Starrk growls on my lips and moves my hands away when I feel those ridges I'd seen on his hips before. I'm not stupid, I'd put two and two together. I know he's a cutter, I've known for a long time, but I hope he's kicked the habit. I haven't brought up the topic, and I won't until I'm sure we're ready to talk about it. Right now, I just want to enjoy this. His hands move to my hips instead and trap them in a strong grasp. He slips his thumbs under the hem of my shirt, and I whimper at the feel of his calluses gently scraping my skin.

So far, so good.

I like this, a lot. I like his hands on me. Even when they're a little demanding and rough. When his hand snakes to my back, I don't stiffen, or freak out, or have a flashback.

Zaraki was right, I'm healing.

I let out a surprised moan when he squeezes my ass and tightens his hold on my waist. He tugs me forward, and I feel his half-hard cock press against my thigh. I wrap my arms around his neck and pull his hair out of its ponytail, running my fingers through it. Soon he begins to push his knee into my crotch, trying to get me hard too. I press my hips forward causing more friction between us. He groans loudly and has to steady himself on the counter. What's really turning me on is the pure, raw desire that's flowing through us accompanied by our feelings. Just when I start moving my hand downward again, we suddenly hear a throat clear.

"Gee, Yoru, don't you just love our kitchen? Y'know, the place where we cook, and eat. Wouldn't you love for it to remain unsoiled?"

"I sure would," Yoruichi replies.

Starrk breaks our lips apart but doesn't let my hips go. I gather my wits before looking at Kisuke over his shoulder. He and Yoruichi are both looking at us from the door.

"S-Sorry," I mumble as an embarrassed blush comes over my face and neck. They glare at me before slowly backing away. When my attention returns to Starrk, we're both panting hard. He presses his forehead to mine and we just breathe, bodies still tightly melded together.

The atmosphere around us isn't like what it was before. It's calmer, but it's heavy with a cloud of desire-saturated emotion that I wouldn't dare try and dissipate. I can't run from this intensity anymore. I'm done trying to get rid of Starrk. I want him more than ever, and I can feel he wants the same.

"That was awesome." He says, his thumb still rolling over my pelvis repeatedly. I nod.

"I've wanted to do that for a long time." That makes him hum in laughter. The sound makes my insides tingle.

"Ditto. Though...that's not the only thing I've wanted to do." He smirks before pecking my lips gently.

God-fucking-dammit. Who the fuck says shit like that.

If no one stops us, I just might take him upstairs and let him fuck me silly.

He grabs his bag before opening it and reaching inside. "I got something for you," he says with a smile and holds out a box to me. It's medium-sized, but big enough to fit in both of my hands.

Oh, fuck you, Starrk. Still so goddamn generous.

"Y-You didn't have to..." I say. I start to open it and drop the top when I see what's inside. "Whoa..." One of the most expensive dried paint sets I've ever seen is in the box. These came from another country. I can't believe... A smile grows on my face, but it quickly disappears. "Wait...wait, what about your mom? Why would you waste your money on me?" Anger rises in my throat, but it's not justified. "What's wrong with you? She needs this!" I shove the box back at him. "Take it back! Fucking take it back and take care of her!"

"She's dead."

My heart stops.

Starrk's face looks distraught. He's looking at the floor, brows furrowed and eyes darkened with sadness.

"What..."

"She died after my dad's trial. It was too much for her. She stopped fighting." His sentences are rushed and his voice cracks. "She begged me to do it, y'know. Told me to grab her pillow and hold it down until she stopped moving. I just stared at her. I wouldn't, so she stopped fighting the cancer. And, oh man, she hated you for a while, and I almost did too. Near the end is when she took it back, realized that the man she loved was just sick in the head. But I couldn't...I just couldn't blame you. I could never hate you. I never have." His words are hollow, emotionless as he keeps talking and talking. "I tried calling you. Like, a lot." His gaze flickers to me and I catch a spark of anger in it. "You were the first person I called, the only person I could call."

"Starrk, I'm so sorry...If I had known..." My throat gets tight as my eyes grow watery.

"You couldn't have. Your phone was broken, yeah?" He backs away from me. I feel the guilt pour in with that statement.

"Starrk, I—"

"You can keep this." He pushes the box at me. "I don't need the money anymore." He turns to leave and I swiftly follow.

"Starrk, please wait!" He's got a motorcycle now. When did he get that? It's been way too long. He climbs on it and slips his helmet on, taking one last look at me before speeding off.

Great, I'm pissed now.

I go straight to my room without finishing the dishes. Kisuke comes in and I pour my anger into him. He sits and listens for a long time, and I talk well into the night. I tell him how mad I am. Mostly at myself for being such an asshole. At how this entire night was just filled with bitter karma. I feel so bad about Starrk's mother, and about Nnoitora, surprisingly, and I can't even do anything about it. Starrk's got no one now, and I just pushed him away when he needed me the most. What the fuck am I supposed to do now?

"Grimmjow. You need to relax." Kisuke's retarded, I swear.

"How can I fucking relax?! I—"

"You're taking on way too much for someone your age."

"But I—"

"None of his problems are your fault. Yeah, you were—are—a huge part of his life, but that doesn't mean you're linked to his issues in any way. You need to fix yourself before you go solving everyone else's problems. This isn't the right time." I look to my lap as Kisuke pulls me in for a half-hug. "Leave Starrk alone. If everything you just told me about you two is true, then he hasn't kicked you out of his life just yet. But when he comes back, Grimm," I don't flinch at my nickname this time. Healing is good. "try and be a little more understanding, okay? I know you have a hard time with sympathy, but you have to know that everyone else isn't as strong as you are. You have to support the people you care about, or you can't expect them to support you."

"Okay..."

"Good. Now we have a big day tomorrow, so get some sleep." I nod then swat his hand away when he ruffles my hair. "Night, Grimm."

"Night," I reply as he leaves.

I look at the box Starrk gave me, crushed and crumpled from our previous aggressive confrontation. I open it again, and next to the dried paint is a small folded piece of paper. It has familiar handwriting that looks like shit.

I'm not good with gifts, but I like how you get when you paint. It excites you, so it excites me. Happy Birthday.

-Coyote

His name is the only thing written legibly. The use of it locks in the sincerity of the note and gift. The fact that he used it here makes the heavy lump in my chest grow heavier. It was a small gesture, but it was packed with all of his personal boundaries that only his own mother had crossed. He used it for me, and that was more than enough to show how he really felt. His mother's death had torn a hole in his heart, and he had looked to me to be the person to help fill that void. I feel even more like shit now that I realize how insensitive I've been. I'd make it up to Starrk, and in the best way I knew how. After reading the note over and over, I fold it back up and tuck it into my pocket. I take the box and walk over to my cluttered desk. After clearing it, I sit and turn on my lamp.

"Grimmjow!~" Kisuke's sing-song voice rouses me from my deep sleep. I rub my aching face and sit up. "I hope you're awake in there because we're all waiting! And we ain't gettin' any younger!"

Shut the fuck up, Kisuke, my groggy, tired brain thinks.

I stand and yawn, smiling down at the work I've done. I dig in my pocket and fish out the note, placing it on my desk before I rush to get fresh clothes on. When I go downstairs, Renji is tickling Jinta, and Kisuke and Yoruichi are nowhere to be found. I go to the kitchen and catch a glimpse of Kisuke whispering softly into Yoruichi's ear, his mouth stretching into a smirk as his lips move and his arms snake around her waist from behind. They separate when they hear me, but I just smirk and pretend I didn't see them.

"We got any food?" I ask, the part of my brain responsible for proper language use not functioning yet.

"Nope! You woke up too late!" Yoruichi teases. I look to Kisuke, who just has a light smile on his face. "Its time to go anyway." We all head outside and I help Jinta into his carseat. I ride with Renji and we follow Kisuke away from the shop.

"Where are we going?" I ask.

"Can't tell ya," he responds.

"Why?"

"'Cause Kisuke told me not to."

"You guys suck. I hate this secretive thing you're doing." After a bit of silence, a thought pops into my head. "So Rukia, she seems nice," I say sincerely.

"Yeah, she is. Here," he holds something to me, "put this on." I stare at the blindfold in front of me.

"You guys have got to be fucking kidding me. A blindfold? Really?" Though I do it without anymore arguing. Renji makes sure I can't see, and soon after I feel the car stop.

"Okay, Blue, we're here." Renji sounds really excited, and it makes me even more anxious to see what my gift is. He helps me out of the car and up a few steps. I feel the blast of an air conditioner as we enter a building.

"Do you think Grimmjow will like his present, Uncle Kisuke?" I hear Jinta's voice next to me.

"He'll love it, Jinta, don't worry," Kisuke replies with a chuckle. I smirk.

"I wouldn't be so sure, Jinta, I could hate it, y'know," I tease the small boy.

"Really?" I hear the panic in his voice and change my mind about teasing him.

"No way. I'll love any gift you give me." I say and can feel his smile in the atmosphere.

I feel the lurch of the elevator I didn't know we were on and steady myself on Renji. We walk down a few long hallways and I feel myself getting impatient. When we stop, my heart does too. I hear the click of a lock and am pushed inside the open door.

"Okay, Grimmjow, you can look."

When I take my blindfold off, my eyes have to adjust back to the light. When they do, my mouth drops. We're in a large flat on a high floor of some building. A huge window stretches across one entire wall, showing off a great view of the city. In front of it, a painting easel and a chair. There's a large navy blue couch that sits in front of a flat screen TV and a coffee table. That's all I can take in before I turn back around to Kisuke.

"Don't tell me you bought me a flat," I say in shock.

"Okay," he replies. "Yoruichi, you tell him."

"We bought you a flat," the purple-haired woman says with a shameless shrug.

"Why?" I ask exasperatedly.

"Well, it was getting pretty crowded in your room, wasn't it?" Kisuke states.

"Yeah, b-but I...I mean a whole flat? I didn't earn—"

"You definitely earned this Grimmjow. Don't even think for a second that you didn't."

"You've been a wonderful kid," Yoruichi says and hugs me. "And even if this is a little over the top, we're still so very proud of you. Miles higher than this, but this was the best we could do for now." She laughs.

"I mean," I let out an airy laugh. "A car would've been fine," I look to Renji who just shrugs.

"Well, shit, I wish you'd told me that earlier before I bought this fucking place." Kisuke laughs before getting his leg pinched by Jinta.

"No bad words," the kid says. Kisuke agrees with him as I take another look at the place.

"And this isn't just for you. When you go off to college, we're gonna rent this place out to get some vacation cash." Yoruichi sounds excited.

"So basically, you guys bought this place and decided to pass it off as my gift?" I ask.

"Whoops, you caught us!" I know Kisuke is joking, so I run up and hug him.

"Thank you."

"Only the best for my son," he replies. I swallow the tightness in my throat and back away from him. We smile at each other then look to Yoruichi.

"We'll be coming over once a week for dinner, so be ready to feed me, too." I nod with a laugh and give her another hug. "Let's start that tonight! I'll cook lunch this time, but I expect 5-star meals when we come over."

I watch as Kisuke sits on the couch to watch TV and Jinta takes the seat next to him. Yoruichi goes to the kitchen and starts preparing dinner, and I just stand there with my mouth slightly open.

How did things get so good for me? I've come from nothing, and now I have more than anything I could ask for.

I feel Renji roughly wipe my face before speaking. "Don't cry, your make-up is gonna run."

"I'm going to fucking kill you."

"Well, do that downstairs. C'mon, I still haven't given you my present."

When we get downstairs, I follow Renji out to the patio. No one else is out here, and the pool is large enough to park at least 15 cars. I stare at the water, memories flooding back into my mind.

I'm still scared.

"Happy birthday!"

There's a sudden shove to my back, and I feel cold surround me quickly. Panic sets in and I begin flailing my arms until I surface, air seeming to be running away from me. The side of the pool appears in my palm and I hoist myself out, backing away as far as possible from the water.

"Renji, you fucking asshole!" I shout at him making his laugh disintegrate. Shivers wrack my body and I wrap my arms around myself.

"Oh shit," he says then runs over. His arms envelop me. "Fuck, Grimmjow, I'm so sorry. I forgot you were afraid of—"

"I'm not afraid," I quickly defend. "I-I just can't swim." Renji says nothing.

"Grimmjow, I pushed you out into the middle of the pool and you swam back. If you're afraid of water, fine. But don't lie to me about something I know." His voice is soft, and his hand strokes my shoulder.

"I'm not afraid of water." I think of a better way to put it. "I just can't go in past my waist. I-I'll drown." I can hear my voice crack, but I don't try to cover it up.

"Blue, you won't—"

"Yes, I will. I'll drown and no one will save me." Warm tears contrast the chilled water on my face.

"Why do you believe that?"

I stop shivering and just breathe until I calm down. Renji's question lingers in my mind, but he doesn't pressure me to answer right away. With a sigh, I tell him what kept me from swimming in the lake with him back when we were kids. I never told Zaraki the truth about what happened to me. Or, how it happened at least. I just didn't want to seem any weaker than I already was.

The night my father hurt me, my mother tried to drown me.

She was bathing me after the long day we'd had for my birthday. "Mommy has to work late tonight." She'd been crying all evening. "But Daddy's gonna tuck you in." I frowned. "You know what? Nevermind that."

She said she was going to save me from my father, and I didn't question it until she shoved my face into my bathwater. I realize now that she was high that night, they both were. And now that I think about it, there was some sense to her logic. That would've saved me from him, from years of abuse.

He came in and stopped her, spilling water everywhere when he took me from my bath. "Wow, she fucking hates you," he said as he gently put my soaking body onto the bed. I didn't believe him. "I don't know why, you're our perfect boy. Did my perfect boy have a good birthday?"

It feels good to let the truth out, but, ugh, it physically hurts me to know that I stem from that bullshit.

Renji doesn't speak and neither do I, but I wish he'd say something.

"I'm going to teach you to fight your fucking fears."

I want to punch him in the neck when he says it, but I decide against it. I remember what Zaraki said about what Renji means to me. He gets in the pool with me, and I freak out at first, but I let him take me to the bottom. When I open my eyes, I only see him and his wild red hair and his big goofy smile, and it feels good. To be engulfed in something like I am now, it feels really good. It reminds me of how I felt when Starrk put his arms around me, how his smell of charred perfection made me feel warm and safe. Even though the pool should've made me feel the opposite of those two things, I just couldn't help but feel at home underwater.

I never thought drowning could be so comforting.

I really liked writing this chapeter. It's about time Grimmjow had some happiness, wouldn't you say?

Totally unrelated , but I need you people to know this. I was watching FIFA the other week, and I noticed a football player on the team for Uruguay looked a little familiar.

Freaking Edinson Cavani is the spitting image of Starrk! If he were real, he'd look like that! And I've got to say, Emae like...

Thanks for reading! And I'm so happy that many of you stayed with me! This story only gets better, I promise!

R&R!

~EMAE