A/N: Sorry I've been gone for a while! Summer has me all tied up in fun. I hope the same goes for you, my beautiful readers!

This chapter is more of a filler, but I still think it's important as far as interaction between Grimmjow and Starrk. Grimmjow is still struggling with his guilt, mostly about him having a part in Starrk's life taking such a drastic turn. I can't really go into how Starrk feels now, but I know there will be a few chapters in his point of view coming up, and I'm really excited for them.

But I won't tell you when! I'm so evil...

Enjoy! :D

If you're gone, then I need you
If you're gone, then how is any of this real?
When I'm on, I believe you
When I'm not, my knees don't even seem to feel
How could you tell me that I'm great
When they chew me up, spit me out, pissed on me?
Why would you tell me that it's fate
When they laughed at me, every day, in my face?

-The Neighbourhood 'How'

I don't think Renji accounted for the amount of patience that teaching me to swim would need.

I know I'm almost impossible to teach. I don't like it when the water hits my face, and that's about all there really is to swimming. I eventually get the hang of it though, Renji's threats of pushing me in again spurring me on to swim on my own. After just two short weeks, I'm getting in the pool with ease. Renji says that I have to try out for the school's swim team. I'm sceptical at first, but I give in after a few pep talks.

School starts soon; just a few days.

My deep terror of hatred has begun to bother me, and I'm not as confident as I was about going back with my head held high anymore. I'd been fine with the idea of a mass group of people hating me since early June. But now that it is so close, I can't seem to muster up the balls I had when I'd went around spewing about how much I didn't give a shit about anything. A lot can change a person in just a few short months.

I'm sure that rumor that Nnoitora started has spread around over the summer.

That I'm that sleazy student who got everyone's favorite teacher(of course Aizen tricked them all into loving him) thrown in the slammer because I didn't want to get in trouble for sleeping around with him.

Anyone who believes that is an idiot.

I mean, first, who would listen to Nnoitora? And what asshole would believe that it was my fault?

My self-given pep talk is helping a bit, but I'm still not that confident about going back to school. On the night before the first day, I sleep in my old room at Kisuke's. I haven't moved any of my junk into my new flat. Kisuke won't allow me to have anyone over, and I don't really feel like living alone just yet. Jinta sleeps in my bed with me and the next morning, I wake up in a sweat. After a shower, I grab my uniform from the closet. My gray blazer reminds me of the last time I decided to go back to school. It reminds me that I'm a murderer, a sick freak who gets off on beating the shit out of people who provoke me. A stupid fucking idiot who can't control his anger. I throw it into the trash, making a reminder to buy a new one. I know replacing it won't change what I've done, but it'll help me forget a little. As I slip on my gray slacks, I remember the blood stains that once covered me, the warmth that filled my body, and most importantly, the lost version of myself that actually took someone's life.

Easy...

I sigh.

Kisuke and Yoruichi wish me well and tell me to just see how today goes.

The walk there sucks because it's just building the anticipation. I don't exactly know what's waiting for me at school. Judgement, I know that. Disgust probably.

Let's think about something else.

I hope Starrk is okay.

I haven't spoken to him in a few weeks, so I guess he's still blowing off steam. I want to give him his gift. I'd worked on it for a long time, and waiting for a chance to get it to him was killing me. Or maybe I was just waiting to see him again. I want to look at him so bad...He's so fucking good-looking and tall and nice and...shit.

This sucks.

Thinking of Starrk all morning just reminds me of how much I'd appreciate getting fucked by something other than my life for a change.

I mean, even in the shower this morning, I thought of him. And, holy shit, that mental image of him fucking me against that cool tile got me off a lot quicker than usual.

Shit...I shouldn't be thinking of things like that on the way to school...

Though I keep a lighter image of Starrk in my mind as I enter the school gates. I know everyone's looking at me and I can hear their whispers.

"That's the guy who got Professor Aizen taken away right?"

"Wow, what a sleaze. I bet he totally did it for a better grade."

"He killed that one senior. Beat the poor guy to death; right when he was about to graduate."

"Why is he still allowed to go here?"

I think about turning around and saying something—because wow, what a bunch of fucking assholes—but I decide against it. What difference would it make? I can't change their minds about what they think of me. There are less eyes in the hallways. I'm relieved. When I look, they turn away, as if they're afraid they might end up like Nnoitora if they crossed me. Part of me thinks it's funny. The other part, the part that's afraid of what I'm like when I'm angry, not so much. When I reach my locker, lots of papers fall out. They're covered in dust so they must have been there all summer. I unfold one and read half of it, immediately throwing it to the ground and pushing the rest out too. I have to give props to my peers. Never in the years I've gone here has the student-body come together for a common cause before. Not even pep rallies. But here they are, writing hate letters together.

Cute.

During class, people avoid me. Even the teachers are skeptical of even looking at me. I sit near the back in every class, my head buried in my arms so I don't have to hear what they say. But it's like they want me to. I'm always just close enough to hear anyway. When someone throws a paper ball at me, I do nothing, because today has made me feel like I deserve it. All this negative energy is making my want to smoke a cigarette. I haven't in a few months, but I could really use one. Maybe I'll just smoke with Kisuke when I get home. I try to avoid my friends. I don't want them attacked for hanging with me. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I'm just taking precaution.

Maybe that's why Starrk isn't here.

I haven't seen him yet.

Maybe he doesn't want to be seen.

With me, or at all, I don't know.

I don't think he even came today, but I wouldn't know. I have no classes with him this year. Still though, who skips their first day as a senior?

Oh, shit. Starrk's a senior.

He'll be gone after this. I probably won't see him again.

I have to make this year count.

There's swim tryout after school today(I remember when Renji texts me) and I think about not going. I'm still wary of the water. I tell him and he calls me and tells me he's driving up here to make sure I do it. With I sigh, I decide to at least try out.

Everyone looks surprised when I walk into the pool room. The coach looks even more surprised. I shift from foot to foot in nervousness. Their faces aren't smeared with judgement or disgust, just surprise. That actually makes me feel less horrible. A kid with silver hair nods at me and pats the seat next to him. At first I'm confused, until I notice that the coach was talking. I hurry up and walk around the bleachers to sit next to him and put my bag down. The coach continues to talk. The kid next to me has this expression on his face, like he's just about as thrilled as I am about being here. His silver eyebrows rest heavy over his brown eyes, as if in boredom, like Starrk's usually are. The left one has a small, gold ring around the edge, complimented by three of the same color in his left ear. When his head turns slightly, heat rushes up my neck and settles in my face as I turn away.

"Hi."

At first I think I hear the wind, then I think I'm just crazy.

Did he just talk to me?

Me?

Aren't I the kid everyone hates?

"If you're gonna ignore me, you aren't fucking sitting next to me."

What the fuck?

I give the guy a look, because no one fucking talks to me like that, and he laughs. Just who the hell did he think he was dealing with?

"Kensei!" The coach shouts. That shuts him up. "Just because you're the captain does not exclude you from trying out. You need to listen." Kensei nods then smirks at me. I just roll my eyes and continue to listen.

After the coach finally stops talking, we head into the pool. I don't fancy the Speedos look too much, so I just wear some of my own swim briefs. For the rest of the day we do laps in the pool and do a few races. It wasn't too hard, so I was feeling confident. The coach said the results would be posted just before the season starts, so there was just waiting now. I go to the locker room and begin to change, though my clouded mind makes me move slower than the others.

"Hey," I hear Kensei's gruff voice again, "you're Grimmjow, right?" I look up.

I know he knows that. I know he's heard.

"Y-Yeah."

"I think we're in English together." Not trying to be mean, but should I really care?

"Okay..." I look back down and begin to tie my shoes.

"What I mean is, I think that we should be friends. Since we're gonna be on the swim team together and stuff."

"You don't know that," I scoff.

"Hey, don't be an asshole." I glare at him. "If someone compliments you, say 'thanks,' for fuck's sake."

"*Thanks," I say in an irritated tone.

"You're welcome. And actually, I do know that. You don't get to be captain by just splashing around in a puddle. I know skill when I see it. You're backstroke is flawless, and you've got a spot on the team for sure."

"Thanks...Kensei." There's an awkward silence between us.

"You wanna go eat? With all of us, I mean." I look up at his soft smile and shake my head.

Someone being this nice feels...odd.

"No thanks. My ride'll be here soon." He just shrugs and turns around.

"Okay. See you tomorrow." He says with a wave as he leaves.

I finish getting my stuff and hang my towel around my neck to catch the drops of water from my hair. Voices fill the hallway leading to the locker room and I know I have to wait for them to pass through. It's the soccer team. No, not the ones who helped me that day; they all graduated. These are the new varsity players, and they believe every rumor that's been spread about me.

Part of me wonders why Starrk hasn't tried to disprove any of them, but it isn't really his job, or his place, for that matter.

Their chatter stops when they see me. The glares come, and I just look to the side. They're all assholes and they all stink.

All but one.

Starrk's eyes meet mine, and I freeze up. The other players ignore our little interaction. Starrk's gaze never wavers, and I feel my chest grow tight again. I could give him his gift now, but it isn't the right time. He doesn't move, so I move around him.

"Excuse me," I say lowly and begin to walk down the hallway.

"Hey." He's right on my heels. "Stop." I stop and reach in my bag before turning around to hand him his gift.

"Thanks for the paints. I love them." My words are a bit rushed.

A heavy blush covers my face as I secretly hope he's not still mad at me. I want to walk away so that I don't see his reaction, but I also really want to stay to see his reaction. He slowly opens it, occasionally glancing at me. His eyes are lazy as usual, and I'll always love that about him. No matter how he's feeling, he looks bored and tired. It looks good on him. Starrk's mouth slightly opens when he sees the painting. His brow furrows as he runs his fingers gently over his mother's eyebrows. They circle her gray orbs before settling on her full lips and angular chin. I remember every detail of her face, because Starrk looks just like her. He doesn't say anything, and I start to feel nervous.

"You..." That's all he manages to get out, but I know what he means.

"Just...take the damn thing, okay?" I try to dissolve any further embarrassment in front of him.

He takes a step towards me, and I step away until my back hits the wall. His arms trap me there. My eyes become heavier the longer I look into his. His tongue darts out to wet his lips and I focus on taking deep, steady breaths. When his open mouth moves towards my own, I don't panic. I want this. I want this to work. Something always gets in the way. Whether it's our own stupid feelings or other people, this just never works. His lips barely even ghost over mine before we hear someone coming.

"You gonna punch him or what?" His teammate asks. "Don't worry, I'll keep watch so no one sees."

Starrk looks back at me, and we miraculously make an agreement that punching me is the right thing to do. I don't want him to be criticized for being seen with the guy who ruined his life. What would people say to him? Awful things. Maybe even worse than what they say to me. They would never leave him alone, and Starrk needs to be left alone. I don't know how, but he knows what I'm thinking. I give him an understanding look before he bites his lip in anxiousness. I let out a pained grunt and double over when his heavy fist drives into my stomach. When his teammate leaves, satisfied with how he handled things, Starrk pulls me into a deep embrace.

"I'm sorry." He peppers my lips with short kisses. "I'll never hurt you again."

His words and lips bring wetness to my eyes, and I believe him.

We won't hurt each other anymore.

"O-Okay..." I let out a wheeze, my stomach still in pain. "I hope you know I'm going to get you back for that."

"I'm so sorry." The kisses grow deeper and longer. "I'm not mad at you, I swear." Another deep kiss follows, but only for a split second. "Can we just cut it out? All of it. All the fighting and avoidance and chasing. I hate it. It's killing me, and I just want to be with you...Can we promise? Not to shut each other out?" I nod in agreement as I pant from being out of breath, unable to form the words. It's killing me, too. I kiss him this time; it's slow and long and he moans a little. "Can I come over tonight?" His thumb slowly strokes my bottom lip, and I realize that our bodies press against each other. I feel myself getting hard, and now is not the time nor place.

"Y-Yeah..." I quickly answer before he gives me that deadly smile, says his goodbye and rushes back to the locker room.

I hold my stomach as I walk to Renji's car. I thank him for picking me up, but don't say much else because I'm still trying to figure out what just happened. It was so fast, and Starrk talked so much.

So many words and feelings were exchanged and I'm so happy Starrk is not mad and he's coming over tonight and I might make the swim team and everything is just great.

Things just keep getting better and better.

When we get home, Kisuke and Yoruichi are sitting in front of the TV. Kisuke's got this concentrated look on his face that I've seen before, though only when he's perplexed by something. Yoruichi's hand is covering her mouth, as if she's astounded.

"What's going on?" I say. Their heads snap towards me then to each other. Kisuke gestures for me to sit.

"C'mere." I sit next to him, confused at what's going on here. "You need to watch this."

I look at Renji and he just shrugs before sitting next to Yoruichi. I turn my head to the TV, and Kisuke turns it up. The news is on, and behind the reporter is an old, run down street, the houses on it matching perfectly.

"After shortly receiving a gunshot call from a neighbor, armed forces arrived at this residence."

The house looks familiar to me.

"Inside, squad 6, and chief of police, Byakuya Kuchiki, found a horrific scene unlike any other."

"Hey, that's Rukia's older brother," Renji comments.

"Unfortunately, we arrived too late. The suspects had looted the house, and made sure to leave no evidence behind. This was a planned robbery. Two bodies were found, both in their late 30s," Byakuya says. The screen flashes to the bodies.

My heart stops when I see my mother and father curled up on the floor, a spray of blood surrounding them. My mother's long hair is spread around her, and my father is laying on top of her with a wound in his back. Kisuke grips my shoulder as their names are announced.

"A small girl was found hiding in a nearby room. Neighbors say she is the second child of the two, the first going missing about five years ago, just around the time she was born."

The girl looks just like my mom.

My little sister.

She's got her thick green hair and huge hazel eyes. That same small nose and round face that had comforted me for years, now made me feel sick. She's got a few baby teeth missing, this being made plain as she cries over the shoulder of a police officer. I never inherited anything from my mother, but this kid got it all. No resemblance to father whatsoever. No wild blue hair, no vibrant icy eyes, no wide grin. Nada.

"Local residents know of no relatives to the girl, and she seems to only speak what has been identified as German, but police are asking for total coöperation from everyone." The news ends.

"Grimmjow—" Kisuke starts.

They're dead.

"I'm going to be sick."

Both of them.

"Hey—"

I hold my mouth and gag. Kisuke tries to help me as I make my way to the bathroom. I don't puke, it's just a lot of painful and hysterical dry-heaving. I remember Kisuke shouting something, then Renji had his fingers in my mouth. I swallow something(probably my anxiety pills since there's no time to smoke), and a few minutes pass before my breathing slows.

"Go lay down."

I don't know who says it but I couldn't agree more.

I'm tired.

As I get ready for bed, it's hard for me to keep consciousness. This is why I don't take these pills. I don't like how dead they make me feel. There's an unnatural fuzziness that should never grace my brain. When I get to the bathroom, I take off my shirt and look in the mirror. There's a huge purple mark right underneath my ribs, and when I press it I groan and hiss in pain. Starrk really made that punch convincing. When I think of him, I touch it again, as if I'd get a different reaction, but it still hurts.

Maybe...he kinda meant to hurt me?

I mean, Starrk's a good person, but I don't always know what he's thinking.

Actually, I never know what he's thinking.

But going on an assumption, it'd make sense for him to blame me deep down. He tries to fight it, but I can see it in his eyes. And that punch...

He wanted to do it...and I understand.

I splash water on my face then slip into my cool sheets with only my briefs on. I listen to the small chatter downstairs. Yoruichi asks what to do about the whole thing on the news. Renji says something about me beginning to scare him. Kisuke wants to find better help for me.

Just make all of this go away.

As I drift into a light sleep, the soft roar of a motorcycle comforts me. It'd only been a few minutes, but I felt like I'd been asleep for hours before I am shaken awake. I groan then turn over and shut my eyes tighter, as if the person would go away if I couldn't see them.

"Blue." The bed sinks down behind me.

I just want to fucking sleep.

As Starrk sits on my bed, I sigh and rub my eyes.

"Starrk, for the love of God, fuck off," I groan through my drug haze, though I didn't really mean it.

"Wow." He laughs. "Your friend downstairs...Renji, I think? He wasn't kidding when he said your meds wouldn't put you in the mood."

"They sure as hell didn't." I rub my face.

"You know, you could have called me to cancel. But I probably would have shown up anyway." He shrugs.

"Sorry," I say through a yawn in a condescending tone. He just brushes it off.

"I tried to come earlier like we planned, but that blond guy didn't let me in."

"Wait," I sit up and look to the closed-door then the open window. "You snuck in here!?" I whisper/shout. He turns to me.

"Well, yeah." He looks confused, as if the question made no sense. "I wanted to see you, so I came to see you. I'm still keeping my promise." The dim light from the moon casts a shadow on his face, making him look intense. I'm glad it's too dark for him to see me blush. "So...what happened?"

"My parents are dead." I hadn't said it out loud before now, and I don't know why it hurts. Another one of our famous silent moments rolls by and I feel his warm hand settle on my own.

"I'm sorry."

"I'm not...But that's what's so backwards about it. I don't feel bad at all." I turn away from him for a moment, and he lays down next to me. One arm rests beneath his head and his other between us.

"But...they were your parents..."

When I don't respond, I think he gets it. He slides his arm around my waist and pulls me to him with little effort. My bare chest quickly warms up to the feeling of his clothed one. As time passes, I get sleepier, and I press my face into his neck then nuzzle into his scent. His form stiffens at the action, but soon relaxes. I begin to tell him what happened to me. I tell him everything, all while tired and a bit high off my meds. He just listens, occasionally stroking the small of my back, which feels good. We readjust our bodies every once in a while.

"Christ."

I expected that reaction.

"Look, I understand if this is too much for you."

"No, no...it's just...new. A new piece of you I get to keep." I clench his shirt at his statement. "It explains a lot, no offense. And I understand things now."

I hate how small Starrk makes me feel. It's unintentional, and sometimes it hurts. But most of the time it makes me feel cared for and protected, but I hate feeling like I need to be cared for and protected.

"Don't stop." I'm about to question him but I remember what we were talking about.

"R-Right...So like, I don't feel bad. It's more of an inconvenience than a loss. I know that I can never forget what happened, but I at least shouldn't have to think about it all the time."

"Mm." Starrk nods in agreement.

"And they shouldn't have died like that, y'know? Not stabbed,not shot. All for what? The cash that they didn't even have." The world is a sick place. I forget that sometimes. "And that poor little girl, Starrk. She's got no one, and if I don't help her, who knows what kind of sicko will get a hold of her? She's my little sister, I have to do something, right?"

"So you do care."

"I don't know." I grip his shirt again. It's comforting. "I wish I didn't. Then I wouldn't feel like this."

"Same here. I hate saying this...but I miss my dad. I fucking hate his guts, and I'd beat his ass again if I had to, but...he was my dad." I clench my fist.

I hate this. This feeling, this guilt, this sense that Starrk still blames me deep down.

"This sucks."

"Yeah," he chuckles then looks down at me. "Well, not as much as it would if I wasn't here." I blush.

"Shut—"

Starrk's lips crash into mine and I let out a pathetic whimper. I grab the side of his face and shove my tongue in his mouth. His hand grips my thigh and I moan.

"God, I love kissing you."

"Starrk..." I breathe heavily. I'm still dizzy from my meds, but I'm sure I want whatever I get from him.

"Fuck...don't say it like that..." He laughs and runs his hand through my hair. When I feel his hardness against my leg, I smile drunkenly and kiss him again. He presses his hands against my bruised chest and I cry out.

"Shit...ow..." I hiss.

"Crap, I'm sorry," he says as he examines it. "I can't believe I did that..."

"Yeah, but it's fine. You had to do it. And I didn't—don't want people talking about you, or me...so...maybe we just...keep this quiet for now." I say cautiously.

"This?" He looks at me and raises an eyebrow.

"Y-Yeah," I reply and blush a little. "This. Us, me and you...whatever, Starrk."

I can see his grin grow in the dim lighting. "Grimmjow Jaegerjaques...are you asking me to be your boyfriend?" Starrk asks with an exaggerated gasp. My face goes full-on red.

"I didn't say that, idiot!" I shout at him and push him.

"You didn't have to. And I'm your idiot now."

Starrk doesn't try to hide his happiness and his expression shows it. He looks as if the sun might burst through the skin of his face and light up my room. He grabs my wrist and pins it above me, making me lay back down. Even when he kisses me, he has to try to stop smiling. We roll over so that he straddles my waist. I hiss in pain again when his chest puts pressure on mine. Starrk pants his apology against my lips and I just shove my tongue in his mouth again to silence him. His crotch presses against my own and I feel my hands grow a bit clammy.

"Grimmjow!"

Shit.

Starrk quickly moves from me and grabs his jacket before heading to the window.

Kisuke knocks again. "Grimm, I heard you shout. You okay?" I try to fight a laugh as Starrk struggles to get his large body out of the small opening.

"I-I'm fine! Just a bad dream." I say through a smile. Starrk turns around and gives me a goofy grin before waving and disappearing.

God, I hope we're not one of those sappy couples.

Me and Starrk...a couple...

I hate to say it, but a small part of me is screaming that this is a bad idea.

So did you like my filler?!

Yeah, I know fillers are a bit disappointing because you just want to get on with the main story line. But I tried my best!

And I do agree with Grimm on this one, I hope I don't turn them into one of those sappy couples either. *cringes inwardly* Tell me if I do and I will cut that shit short!

R&R!

~EMAE