A/N: I KNOW I KNOW I'M A TERRIBLE PERSON
Senior year was busier than I expected...but sooooo fun!
Between college applications and AP classes I literally had no time to write...and that threw me in kind of a depressive funk.
I'd actually been working on this one chapter over the span of 6 months.
Sad, isn't it?
But the important thing is that I'm back!
So please, enjoy! :D
I'd rather die than, be your slave
Slit my wrist wide and take this stage
Wipe blood out my eyes and
You just lay, there
You think I'm crazy...I am
I love you like I love crack-crack
I love you like I like to get high
I love you like I love crack-crack
I love you like I like to get high
-SZA 'Crack Dreams'
Do you know how hard it is to be mad at someone you care for?
Someone you wake up thinking about. Someone who makes the first breaths in the morning get caught in your throat. Someone that makes you want to stay at home and do nothing but touch yourself...
That's how I feel about Grimmjow.
And it sucks because even though I'm pissed at him, the first thing I did this morning was jerk off instead of cutting.
Once in my bed and once in the shower.
I had a horrible nightmare...about mum...and the first thing I reached for was my razor. But instead I found Blue's shirt. I held it up to my nose and took a deep inhale and fuck...it was like he was there...infecting my bloodstream. The razor lay just beneath it, but I closed my eyes and inhaled his scent again. My mind was filled with visions of him, mostly of his neck and navel and thighs, and every part of him he had let me examine so far. I couldn't help but slowly inch my hand into my pajama bottoms and wrap it around my awakening member.
I came a lot, so I had to throw my bedding in the wash before I hopped in the shower. I jerked off again there, and I was still hard, but I honestly didn't have the motivation to go at it again. I'd been feeling really off lately, and I've been skipping my morning runs and going straight into the shower before school. It's probably Blue's fault. I haven't done anything I usually do because he hasn't been contacting me. And even when I haven't spoken to him in days, he haunts me. Whenever I want to cut, I see the eyes he tries to hide from me. Anytime he sees my marks, he looks mortified and it makes me feel so guilty. I haven't cut in days, though. My scars itch, like they're calling out to me to slice open a fresh one, but I've held it off. I want to get better, I honestly do, but...fuck...I hate living like this. Relying on an unhealthy habit to the point when I don't even try to fight it anymore...
I need to see Blue.
The thought of him makes me forget about being on time. I grab my backpack and rush downstairs. I hear heavy snoring from the living room. I glance over and see my uncle passed out. I sigh angrily. Could I really be mad at him though? We both have a bad habit to kick. After cleaning up his mess and taking out the trash, I drag his heavy ass upstairs and put the shower on him. He coughs and spurts water out of his nose then wipes his face.
"Thanks," he says in a less-than-appealing voice. I don't say anything back, but I do leave fresh clothes and a towel.
Before leaving, I raid the kitchen and toss every drop of alcohol in the house. Except for a small green bottle and a large clear one, which I'll stash in my car for myself. I also hide Shunsui's credit cards and take all the loose money I can find so he sober for at least 24 hours. I'll get roasted alive for this, but it's time for some universal change. I head outside and smile before kissing the hood of my baby. I got her back after all our shit got taken from the house. I was gonna surprise Blue when I picked him up on Saturday, but he never showed...
With an angry sigh, I grab the green bottle from my car and down it in a few large gulps. I belch and shake my head a little. That's the strongest shit I've ever had. Feeling the heat swirl in my belly, I decide to walk to school, to keep myself safe and to clear my head.
I pass the alley behind the mini-mart. There's a spot surrounded by wilted flowers and candles.
I clutch my uniform over my heart. It feels like a stampede is rampaging through it. I remember that day, as clear as I remember that dream from last night. I remember Blue crashing into me, his eyes wild and his bloody hands staining my blazer. Nnoitora was on the ground, convulsing in his attempt to breathe. I ran to him, noticed the blue hair in his hands, and started crying.
I was fucking mortified.
The only thing I could do was call the ambulance and cry, and that's what made me feel the worst.
I was powerless to save my best friend.
Mum too...
My dad even...
Everyone I've cared about has left me, and there was nothing I could ever do about it. I'm fucking praying that Blue doesn't leave me, too.
I wipe the incoming tears away and continue my walk to school.
At lunch, I sit with my friends.
All of us are really quiet.
No one is touching their food.
I'm still drunk from this morning, but I've kept my mouth shut so I don't show it.
I'm rocking my chair on its back legs. Yammy's eyes are watering, and I can see the internal fight to keep them from overflowing. Tesla has curled his clamoring form into the chair, his face staying buried in his hands. I feel for him the most. He never got the chance to tell Nnoi how he felt about him. Harribel is just dragging her fork around her plate, little clinks filling the air around our table.
I find myself staring at her longer than anyone else. Her long, silky blond hair is pulled back into a low ponytail, my favorite hair style of hers. A few strands are hanging out, making her look the most disheveled I've seen her, which probably means that she argued with her grandfather again this morning. Her skin still looks nice. I don't recall ever finding very many imperfections on that smooth, dark canvas, but when I did, she'd freak out and cover herself up. (Maybe that's why I never fucked her?) Her insecurity always turned me off because I always thought she was so beautiful. Still, I attempted empathy whenever I could.
I had my own blemishes, too.
The green forests of her eyes are downcast, and the dullest shade I've ever seen them. They aren't the color of freshly cut grass like I remember. Even still, I find myself getting lost in them, butterflies assaulting my stomach like they used too. My cheeks flush with heat, and I quickly look away from her.
I guess I'm still not completely over her. And the alcohol isn't helping.
When I glance away, my eyes immediately stick to Blue's odd table of friends. They are laughing and eating heartily, a shining comparison to our table. I spot Ulquiorra, Nnoi's half brother. The two were never close, and he looks genuinely okay. Though, I know that's not true, because when he looks over to our table, his hand clasps itself around the redhead girls'. Orihime, I think it was? That's the most physical contact I've seen him make with anybody. She grabs it back, but doesn't stop her conversation. I look to the one I've seen the most, Kurosaki. Blue spends most of his time with him, if not me, so I know he knows about us. But I don't know much about him. He sees me looking at him, and we stare at each other for a good 30 seconds. He stands and nods his head towards the hallway. I sigh and stand from my seat, struggling to keep my balance. It's now that I remember that I am a towering figure, a beanstalk of sorts. But when I look down, all I see are solemn faces looking back up at me, all feebly attempting to learn how to connect again.
"...Be right back."
Outside, Kurosaki and I formally introduce ourselves, but we know who the other is. According to him, none of them had seen Blue lately either.
"I wouldn't worry too much about Grimm," I sneer, mostly because Blue allows someone else to call him by a nickname, "the worst thing you can do is smother him. I learned that the hard way when he just disappeared after the whole thing with Professor A—"
Ouch.
His eyes grow wide and his cheeks burn a bright red. "I am so sorry."
"It's fine," I say with a shrug, even though that stung like a bitch. I take a deep breath and run my hands though my hair. "It's fine."
I say it again, mostly to remind myself.
"...But, um, yeah...He should be okay. Just let him be. He didn't say anything about you being the reason he's gone." I nod with another sigh. "I mean, you guys didn't have a fight, right? Or really bad sex?" The redhead let out a laugh and I just looked at him.
I think about the conversation Blue and I had about keeping our relationship a secret. "No, we didn't fight, not really. And we haven't had sex yet." Not sure why I told him that, but he's painfully easy to talk to. And I'm not in full control of my mouth.
"You guys haven't had sex yet? Wow, that's new for Grimm."
A knot grows in my stomach. "Why? I mean, has he had a lot of sex before?"
"Well, not like a lot, but he's got experience. He likes it, I know that much." I nod slowly.
"When...um..." I swallow, gathering my thoughts, "when was the last time he told you he had sex?"
Kurosaki looks at me confused. "He hasn't cheated on you, if that's what you're asking. Grimm would never do that. Especially not to you, he likes you too much." A smile grows on his face. "But to answer your question, I'd say around the beginning of summer? Yeah, around then."
That made me think: Who with? How often? All those times I sought him out and didn't find him, was he doing it then? When I saw him at the pharmacy, did he just finish having sex? Was he going to have sex?
Maybe there was a lot more I didn't know about him than I thought.
When we first met, the only thing I really knew about him was that he was this scrawny freshman with wild blue hair, and I had a pant-busting crush on him.
But now I'm with him. I know he likes to paint. He has some real heavy baggage, but I'd handled it surprisingly well when he told me. He likes classical music, and I constantly tease him about it. He doesn't like PDA. He's the only person I've met that can occasionally beat me at Smash Bros. He's smart as fuck, which just turns me on. There's this nice smell he has...I can't put my name on it, but whatever it is, I'd know it's him from a mile away.
But those are obvious.
Anyone with the mental capacity to talk to him could find that out easy.
But I didn't know the deepest and most intimate details of his life.
But Kurosaki did, and that made me feel entitled to know, too.
It made me angry at him.
Stay the fuck away from him.
I wanted to scream it.
A dark, violent part of me wanted to threaten him, to tell him Blue was mine, and that he couldn't have him.
I wanted to fight him. To hurt him.
I'm so fucking drunk it's scary.
"Thanks, Kurosaki."
"Call me Ichigo. And no problem."
Entitled feelings flooded my mind after that talk.
Like how I want the world to know that this hot piece of ass is mine.
But Blue...he insists we keep it a secret until I graduate.
Some shit about not wanting me attacked for what everyone thinks he did.
I don't really give a shit.
But he does, so I'll just play along.
For now.
The next day, I try to organize my locker before school starts.
At least one thing in my life should be.
My soccer shoes and countless old homework assignments make it look something like that of a land fill. Blue would usually be here by this time, so I assume he won't show up again. He's been gone too long. I really miss him.
A flash of blue catches my eye, and I stiffen.
He's here.
For a moment, excitement builds in me, but then I remember that he'll ignore me until we're alone. I press my forehead into the door of my locker and try not to feel so sad. But it's been hard to fight it. Especially since yesterday. I'm hungover. I feel a hand rest on my bicep.
"Hey."
The hallway is almost empty.
He gently rubs up and down my arm. I like that. He clears his throat. "Hey."
Why won't I look at him? Why can't I look at him?
The bell rings.
It's time.
Open your fucking mouth. You should be happy. He's back.
I swallow the thick ball in my throat. "H-Hey..."
There's silence between us for a moment. I turn to him, and his eyes widen. His thumb rubs over the bruised skin around my eye making me grab his hands with a hiss and pull away. I watch his mouth move, but I don't hear him. I just press my lips to his palm and watch his face grow red.
"Starrk!" I look at him.
"...What?" I laugh a little through the word.
He sighs heavily. "What the fuck happened to you, man?"
"I, uh, got in a fight with my uncle."
"Why?"
"I was drunk."
"Why were you drunk?..."
"I had nothing better to do. I mean, you weren't here."
Fuck.
Why did I say that? He looks so hurt.
Did I mean it?
"...Let me explain that..."
"It's fine."
No it's not.
"I don't want you to be mad at me."
"I'm not mad."
I'm furious.
"But I—"
"Shut up." When he hears my irritated tone, he stops. "It's fine."
I didn't mean to sound rude.
I just want him to be happy.
I don't want to see his face like that anymore.
I just want to make him feel good.
I just want him.
"...I don't want to go to class." He breaks the silence.
"So what do you want to do?"
Apparently what Blue wanted to do was take me under the bleachers and shove my cock down his throat until he choked.
And I wasn't complaining.
He wanted me as bad as I wanted him.
He devoured me like he was starved, and it made my head spin. My hand slipped to his neck and I slightly thrusted into his mouth before he held my hands to my sides. My stomach clenched, and he stroked me until thick streams of white splashed his mouth and chin. He swallowed the remaining bursts greedily, and I don't think I've ever been more attracted to him. We said nothing for at least two minutes afterwards, and now we're just sitting here, catching our breaths.
"So what's your new sister like?" I ask as I stuff my flaccid member back into my slacks and zip them. I remembered that he told me where he'd gone on Saturday.
Blue licks his lips, pink and swollen from the abuse, before answering. "She's a fucking handful, first of all." I chuckle. He chuckles too before wiping my cum from his face with his swim towel. I hold back a whine. I kind of liked how it looked on him.
"Oh yeah?" I sit on the cool grass next to him. "Sounds a lot like you already." He shoves my arm.
"You'd like her, asshole." He lays his head on my shoulder.
"Yeah."
God, this place is blessed. The air under here is warm, but the bleachers shield it from the sun. Yet grass still grows, and it stays perfectly cool.
I feel like our relationship is similar.
There's so much emotion that comes with liking someone like Grimmjow, some will be warm, some cold, and we're always shielding how we really feel. But somehow, I feel myself yearning for him more and more every time I see him (no matter how short that time is). It's made me possessive, and I know that's the quickest way to lose him, but I can't help myself. It feels unhealthy, but so damn good at the same time.
He's mine.
No one else can have him.
I lift his chin and gently place my lips on his. We haven't kissed in a few days. I forgot how good it feels. He tastes the same, with just a hint of something I assume is leftovers from our previous activities. His tongue peeks though my lips and I embrace it with mine immediately. I didn't want to make out, I just wanted something quick and meaningful, so I pull away. The soft whine he let's out makes me weak.
"What the hell was that?" Blue asks. I shrug.
"Nothin'."
"Whatever."
The bell rings for the end of school.
How long have we been here?
"Can I come over and meet her?" I ask eagerly as we stand up.
"No."
"I'm coming anyway, Blue," I sigh.
"No you're not."
"Why?"
"Kisuke doesn't want anyone near Nel right now while she's settling in."
I frown at the mention of Kisuke's name. I know that guy doesn't like me.
"Well, sneak me in through the back," I suggest.
"Kisuke would kill me." He walks. I follow.
"Then I'll come in through your window again."
"Then I'd kill you. Can't you just accept 'no' for an answer?" I wrap my arms around his neck as we head towards the gate. I'm too tall. He places his hands on my forearms. It's simple, but nice.
"Hmm..." I feel him shudder at my throats' vibration. "That wasn't in the job description when I decided to be your boyfriend."
He scoffs. "For the last time, I never said you were my boyfriend."
I smirk. He's about to get burned. "Sure you never said it, but actions speak louder than words. And I'm sure you don't give head like that to just anyone." He pushes away from me.
"DICK!"
I let out a loud laugh and steady myself on the gate so I don't fall. Blue starts to hit me and I grunt before grabbing his wrists. I place a kiss on his lips and push him against the gate this time. The red of his face makes him look even more angry, but all the more cute at the same time. The sound of his breathing is addictive. I think about returning the favor from before, right here while I have him pinned, but I settle for a kiss on the neck which draws out a little moan from him.
"Aw, at least let me walk you home," I plead lowly in his ear. I hear him swallow.
"That's gonna be a little difficult. I moved." Blue grabs his gym bag and begins to climb the gate.
"What? Why would you guys move from the shop? That place is awesome!" I place my hand on his ass and push him up, but I knew he didn't need the help.
"No no, I moved. Just me. Kisuke wants me to focus on my studies while he takes care of Nel. And it's kinda far, so I have to get Renji to drive me. He should be waiting outside for me now."
I think for a moment. "Well, tell him to scram," I follow him over the gate and jump down with a loud thud. "I'll take you. I wanna see this new place." He pulls his phone out and we begin the walk to my house.
How'd you guys like this PoV? I hope I didn't write Starrk too similarly to Grimmjow, since they are both in a rough emotional patch. I tried to stress Starrk's possessiveness, and I hope that it was clear because it's a major conflict of his.
Let me know if you'd like to read more StarrkPoV!
R&R, please!
~EMAE