Dear Readers, I don't own any of these characters, no copyright infringement is intended and I made the whole thing up.
Kissing Instructions
- 2 -
All weekend I'm thinking about Alice's brother, the snake, Edward Cullen. I'm staying with my dad Charlie, who is a police chief, and I'm wondering if there's a law proscribing snake-like activity, and if there are behavior-modification programs for the slinky reptiles.
Probably not, and I'm doomed.
I don't actually ask Charlie, of course. I finish my assignment, and Alice was right, I needn't have been so uptight about it, it didn't take long. I just like to think I have things under control, although that's such a fallacy.
Sunday night, I'm back in our shared room, and so is the demented hobbit.
"How was your weekend?" I ask her, and the look on her face is comprised of about seventeen different emotions, amongst which desire and excitement feature prominently.
"Oh, Bella, I'm so happy," she enthuses. "Jasper is wonderful."
"Is he going to be in that sing-a-long thing again this week?" I ask, casually.
"Oh yeah, I think he and Edward have this ongoing pistols-at-dawn duel situation happening. They've been doing it for weeks. They're about even in terms of who wins - it just depends which way the audience swings on any given night. Do you want to come again with me this Friday?" she asks.
Do I? Ah, yes?
I haven't worked out how I feel about Edward, because I don't have enough information. The scant amount of information I do have places me on red alert, but if there's a chance I'll see him on Friday, that will help. If I do see him I'm not quite sure what I'll do though, because from what Alice said he is a 'hooking-up' person, and I am not.
By Thursday, I have a plan. I have no idea what I hope to achieve, but that's beside the point. Who cares about outcomes? Isn't it all about the execution? As long as it's not my own...
On Friday, Alice and I are getting ready, and she is really deploring my lack of wardrobe. She insists I can't wear what I wore last week, and as she is six inches shorter than me, I can't borrow anything of hers. Or can I? I end up in a dress that is knee length on her, and scandalous on me. Edward Exchange-Boy Cullen, look out. She weaves her magic on my face and hair again and I look bemusedly at the alluring creature in the mirror.
"You have a gift, Alice," I beam at her, and she beams back.
The Exchange is fuller tonight than last week, and I suffer a little anxiety as we go in. What if Edward's not there? Actually, if he's not there, that will be fine. What will be difficult will be if he is there, and our little plan doesn't work, although it should - I've bribed enough people. Even Jasper is in on it, and Alice said he laughed his head off when she told him.
The night starts, and a couple of performers go through their routines, and they're good, but most of the people know it's a two-horse race, or actually…it's usually a two-horse race. Tonight there's going to be a difference.
Edward is there, and he comes over to me, and it's dark so he can't see me all that well, but he says, "Hello Bella, are you falling for me tonight?" in a silky, sexy voice, and I say, "That depends on whether there are lumps under the carpet," and smile sweetly, and he says, "Are you planning to spend my set in the bathroom?" and I say, "That depends on the call of nature," and he says, "May I buy you a drink?" and I say, "No, thanks."
He's up before Jasper tonight, and he sings beautifully, so borne away by the lyrics that he barely enunciates them and I think the song may be called Let Me Sign, but I can't be sure. He sings two more, and seems transported by them, he holds the audience in his hands, and it's a very powerful performance.
It seems to take him a while to return to earth afterwards, but he comes to our table, and sits with me and Alice and Jasper, and Jasper pats him on the shoulder and says "Nice try, bro. Too bad you were born to lose."
After another couple of singers Jasper's up, and he does really well, his open smile a direct contrast to Edward's absorption. Alice and I are both really excited, on the edges of our chairs, especially me, because my time is approaching and the devious little plan I concocted is about to come to fruition.
Two more people play, and then the MC announces the final act.
There's something I didn't tell Alice about until last week, because it didn't seem relevant right at the moment, because I'm so busy with study there aren't really any gaps to fit in other things that have been interests in my life, but the fact is I play the guitar, and write songs, and sing. And another fact is that I have entered this competition, and I have rounded up half a dozen people to come along and vote for me tonight. I'm not soliciting votes - I've brought them with me, which anyone is free to do.
The mc says my name, and I just have a moment to catch the look of disbelief and astonishment on Edward's face before I get up and go onstage. Jasper is openly laughing, although he stops laughing when I start to sing. My voice isn't amazing, it's nothing special really, but it's okay - it's a little husky, and I know what suits it, and I sing my three very best songs.
I've sung in front of my Mom and her husband loads of times, and I've sung for Charlie, so even though I'm not used to much of an audience I'm not totally uncomfortable, and I know I'm doing pretty well. When I finish there's a whole lot of cheering and whistling, courtesy of the rent-a-crowd I persuaded to come along, and I go back to the table and sit down next to an incredulous Edward.
"You didn't tell me you'd be a contender for the crown," he hisses.
I shrug, as the voting slips come around. I win. I am the total, utter, clear, indisputable victor, breaking Edward's winning streak.
"I want to talk to you, missy," he says, with a kind of a dangerous look. I'm on my third vodka now, so I don't care.
He corners me at the back of the room, near the door out to the bathrooms.
"Do you know it's customary to kiss the winner?" he says. "I let you off last week, but this week I really feel, as outgoing champion, I must offer you my most sincere congratulations..."
"That's funny, because I didn't notice you and Jasper enjoying a celebratory smooch last week," I say, but I'm in the corner, he's very tall, and he puts his hands on the wall on either side of me.
"You planned this, didn't you? You stacked the vote," he says. "The question is, why? Are you trying to get my attention? You already had it," and he bends closer.
"Are you aware of the recently published results of the Washington Institute of Medical and Social Sciences study on kissing?" I ask him. Even in the dark, I see his eyes narrow.
"What are you talking about?" he says.
"Oh, it's the first scientific survey that has ever been done on kissing. They interviewed 3000 men and women over a two year period and asked them for their thoughts on the subject, and the findings have been very interesting."
"Is that so?" Edward drawls, clearly wondering what tangent I'm going off on.
"Did you know, for instance, that men and women have clear and marked preferences, and that they're not the same? Women think men get it completely wrong," I announce, and he's not looking anywhere near so confident or intent now.
"Women decide within eleven seconds whether they want to sleep with a man or not, based on his kiss. They judge it on pressure, amount of saliva, taste, odor, and tongue involvement."
He's completely stopped now, and is looking at me very warily. "Well, I've never had any complaints," he says, but he's not looking happy.
"You're all right then, aren't you?" I say, feeling a little smug.
"If men are getting it wrong, the converse must also be true," he points out then, still watching me very closely. "Women are getting it wrong, too."
"Maybe they are, but the findings suggest that kissing is more important to women, and they'll drop men who are lousy kissers, whereas men don't tend to use it as a criterion to judge who they want to go to bed with."
I am feeling totally triumphant now. I've taken the wind right out of his sails, and managed to wipe the smirk off his face at the same time. Having said that, I'm kind of hoping he won't completely back down, though. I'm actually hoping he won't be a wimp, but he shakes his head, and steps back from me.
"I wasn't asking you to sleep with me, it was just going to be a peck on the cheek," he says "You didn't have to read me the kissing manifesto."
"Of course not," I say smoothly. "But it's interesting though, isn't it?"
"Will you be back next week, to defend your dubiously-won position?" he asks, deftly changing the subject.
"Oh, I might just quit while I'm ahead," I say, and we're heading towards the door now, where I'm figuring I'll meet up with Alice and Jasper.
"That would be cowardly. I demand a rematch," he says, with his hand on the back of my waist.
It feels proprietary, and I don't know why he should be touching me like that. I'm disappointed that he didn't proceed with the so-called congratulatory kiss, but the hand on my back isn't an indication of wimpishness - maybe he's got something else in mind? I have no idea what it could be, but once we meet up with the other two, I find that he's not finished with me yet.
"I'll walk Bella home," he says to them, and I flash Alice a quick glance of alarm that she doesn't see, as she is gazing so blissfully at her beautiful boy.
"Ok Ed, I'm sure you'll behave yourself. One block isn't enough to get up to mischief, even for you," she giggles, although she is so wrong. "Bella, if he's naughty, let me know, and I'll tell Mom. She'll send him to bed without dessert for a week. Did you hear me Edward? A whole week."
We get outside and Jasper and Alice head in one direction, and Edward and I in another. After about one minute he says, "Bella, is that a dress you're wearing tonight, or a handkerchief?"
"It's a dress, Edward," I answer, head turned away so he can't see me blush. My heightened color might not show under the streetlights anyway, but I'm not taking the chance. "An item of apparel. A handkerchief is something you could fold up and put in your pocket."
"I think I could fold that dress up and put it in my pocket," he drawls.
"Well, you wouldn't though," I begin. I'm about to say something I might regret.
"Because that would leave me standing here in my underwear. And that would look ridiculous, wouldn't it?"
"Mmm, actually I don't think so," he answers.
I have no idea what game I'm playing, but we're at the door to my building now, thank goodness, so I have to stop.
"Thank you so much for escorting me," I say, turning to him, and catching my heel on an uneven bit of paving stone. I stagger into him.
"You're angling for that kiss after all, aren't you Ms Swan?" he asks, and after I've shaken my head to clear the cloud of my hair from my face, I look up at him. He was sounding smug, but he's not looking smug. No sir, he's looking sexier than anybody should be decently allowed to. I must ask Charlie what the law is with regard to snakes looking sexy.
"No, it's my knee. I have a knee problem," I say, pulling away.
"I could have a look at that for you. Trust me, I'm a medical student," he says, and the smirk is back.
"Actually, it's not my knee. It's my sandal. Are you a cobbler, too?" I ask.
"I'm happy to look at your knee and your sandal, but you'll have to invite me in, Bella," he says. "And you must know a medical practitioner can only carry out a detailed and careful examination of the patella if the patient is lying down."
"That is spurious and absurd. You are a fraud. Be gone," I say imperiously, and he laughs.
"Till next week, Bella. And I'm warning you, there'll be no holds barred," he says.
"All guns blazing. Damn straight," I nod, and I go inside. By myself.
On Saturday morning Alice turns up, somewhat earlier earlier than I was expecting her, and insists on taking me shopping.
"Your wardrobe is dire. I'm on a humanitarian aid mission," she states as I shake my head.
"Alice, I can't afford to go buying new clothes right now," I grumble.
"I'm buying them for you," she says.
"You can't buy me clothes! People will talk," I say.
"They're already talking. About your lack of clothes," she giggles, and I'm protesting all the way, but my reluctance falls on deaf ears. Of course we disagree completely about the style of the dresses she picks, and the price of them, but I am absolutely adamant there will be no gratuitous displays of flesh, and nothing so obscenely expensive that the money it cost could feed an entire African nation for a year.
She enthuses, I mutter, she whines, I refuse, she pleads, I insist, and we have a really, really fun girly day, although by the evening somehow she has spent what she considers peanuts on me, and what I consider a king's ransom.
"Come out with me and Jasper tonight. My brother's coming. My other brother, Emmett," she invites. "And his girlfriend, Rosalie."
"Uh, I was going to go and cook Charlie's dinner," I tell her.
"Your father can open a can of beans just for tonight," she says, so I let him know the good news.
"I'm not helpless, Bella," he says chuckling. "I just pretend I am so you'll keep visiting. Have fun tonight with your friends."
I obey him to the letter, and have a hilarious night. The third Cullen is as attractive as both of the others, and his girlfriend is stratospherically gorgeous. These people took the luckiest plunge into the gene pool of anybody I have ever met, and I feel like a sparrow tagging along with birds of paradise, but they're all as nice as each other except Rosalie, who turns out to be a prize bitch.
She keeps her claws out of me, though, only using them to slice everyone else to ribbons, but they all deflect her acid remarks with an ease born of practice and affection, and Emmett clearly adores her. We go to a club, and the night goes late, as they all have Alice's stamina, and appetite for fun. I'm exhausted while they remain in party mode.
"I really need to get going," I tell Alice at two o'clock, which is half an hour after the last time I told her, which was half an hour after the first time.
"Okay, Bella, Jazz will see you to a cab, and I'll be home tomorrow," she says, and I stumble outside on Jasper's arm.
"Well, who do we have here?" a voice asks when we reach the pavement, and I know without a moment's uncertainty who that voice belongs to.
"I'll take over, Jazz," he says, and transfers my clutching hand from Jasper's arm to his own. It is course, Edward.
"Hello, Edwin," I say, not very cleverly.
"Have you had another fall and sustained brain damage?" he asks. "You know that's not my name."
"Vodka," I say.
"Do you mean you've had some vodka, or you'd like some vodka?" he asks.
"Quite clearly I've already had some, a lot. I'm drunk. Who knew potatoes had so much alcohol in them?" I mumble. "Nobody told me."
"Vodka is more frequently made from grains than potatoes. How much have you had to drink? Bella, I'm taking you home, and Alice is going to get in trouble for this," he says very sternly.
"Oh, it's not her fault. I've only had three drinks. One drink, and I rule the world. Two drinks and I'm yours. Three drinks and I'm a menace to society," I say.
"We'll stick to two, then," he says, flagging down a cab.
He insists on coming in with me, and I can't seem to say no. I can't seem to even get my key in the door and he has to do it for me, so it's just as well he's there.
"Ms Swan, as your personal physician I'll be staying the night, so while I look the other way, you get into your pajamas, or whatever it is you wear to bed."
"You can't stay the night!" I gasp feebly. "This is a girls only dorm!"
"If you don't tell anyone I'm here, I won't either," he says, turning to face away from me. I scramble out of my dress and into the cotton boy shorts and singlet top I wear for sleeping, and I trip up on my own hem, but I only fall on the bed, and he doesn't seem to have heard.
"What are you going to do about using the bathroom?" I inquire, and he shrugs.
"I'll pee like a girl," he says, making me smile. I wonder if there are laws prohibiting snakes from exhibiting kind and helpful behavior, and then being funny and charming, and turning people's previous perceptions of them upside-down, and making their sister's heinous allegations about them seem unfounded.
Is this how he seduces so many girls? In my weakened state, he is nigh on irresistible, and if he made a play for me I'd give as good as I got, and then some.
"Uh, Edward?" I whisper when he comes back from sneaking to the bathroom.
I curl one arm around the back of his neck, and I put the other on his chest. I can finally get a really good look at him, as I've only seen him in subdued lighting before. He certainly stands up to illumination - and if he's not the best-looking man in North America I don't want to see who is because it would kill me.
"Yes, Bella?" he whispers, and his voice is as soft as an angel's sigh.
"You're sleeping in Alice's bed, right?" I say. It turns out I do have a modicum of sense left.
"Damn straight," he smiles, taking my hands away from him.
.
.
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