Disclaimer: I do not own these characters or the universe S Meyer created. There may (or may not) be strong language or subjects in this chapter...

AN: warning – lots of dialogue…

Hope
Chapter 14

"Bye Bella," Jessica waved as I left the gym. She was still giddy from earlier when she asked me for a tampon.

"Things are looking better, huh?" Edward smiled joining me in the hallway.

"Yeah…"

Some things were better. Jessica was being friendly which made Lauren ignore me in spite. Rose and Emmett were sickly happy and all lovey dovey. And Alice was still my friend. But things with Edward were not. It hurt sometimes when I was around him, and something in my chest ached. I wasn't sure what it was. I was rethinking about the whole plan I had about pulling away from everyone - except I was going to need everyone else for moral support if I was going to successfully distance myself from Edward. It was the only thing that seemed to make enough sense to work.

"Wanna come over to my house today? Esme made brownies..." he grinned.

"I can't today," I winced. "I'm going to La Push after school. I'm helping Jake with something."

"Alright… I'll see you tomorrow then."

"Bye," I walked to my truck slowly. Rose would be riding with Emmett and Edward, and Jasper was with Alice doing whatever they were always doing. I needed to get back into the old routine when I didn't have so many friends.

"Bella? Bella Swan?" A familiar voice cut through me, but this time it wasn't so threatening.

"Uh… yes?" I looked behind me at James.

"I just wanted to say thank you... For the cookies you made for my grandfather. I didn't know you did that, but I wanted to tell you that I appreciated it," he nodded holding out his hand.

"Oh it was no problem," I nervously shook his hand, feeling something being pushed into it. When I looked down there was a 100 dollar bill in my hand. "Oh I can't –"

"Yes you can," he glared and walked away. Wow. I would always forget that James was Mac's grandson because the Jimmy I heard about was not the same guy. I really didn't like taking money from him.

After stopping by the house to leave a note and to toss the 100 dollar bill into the money can, I decided to go to La Push because I needed to tell Edward that I did, if he asked about it – which with my luck, he would if I didn't go. And I didn't trust myself to lie easily to him anymore. Also La Push was a good place too because there wouldn't be anything there to remind me of him. It seemed like the perfect place to getaway.

When I got to Billy's, he pointed out to the barn and I found all of my wolves sitting around as Jake worked on his car.

"Eh! Look it's our little vampire," Jared smiled brightly at me.

"Hey guys…"

"What's up?" Jake peeked out from underneath his hood.

"Yeah, what's the special occasion?" Paul spoke from his spot next to Jake.

"Nothing, just wanted to see you what you guys were up to," I tried, smiling at him.

"Hmm, wanted some secret alone time with Jakey?" Quil snickered.

"No actually I'm a lesbian now," I smirked.

"Oh please don't say that Bella. It'll ruin all of my fantasies," Embry whined mockingly. "Or wait… no I've got new ones now."

"Don't be such a perv," Seth scoffed. He sat in the corner with some homework, and he glanced curiously over to Jake.

"Yeah that's probably why you don't have a girlfriend. You need to learn how to respect women," Jake chuckled, wiping off his wrench.

"Oh yeah, what about your girlfriend? How well do you respect her? Oh wait, that's right - you don't have one either," Embry snickered. They were all silent for a moment exchanging looks…

I wonder if that one worked…

Is he finally going to crack?....

Christ, someone say something please…

You can do it! Just say it. You're gay…

They knew! I had no idea that they knew. How did I not know this? It seemed that everyone knew that Jake was gay except Paul… did that mean that they knew Paul was gay as well?

Confess Paul. Confess! …

Oh yeah, they knew that both of them were gay. Why didn't they just out them and get it all over with? They were just waiting for one of them to come out of the closet; and with the rate that Jake was taking, they needed to go in there and drag him out.

"Anyone see a Phillips head? The red one?" Jake muttered, ducking his head.

"Behind you, here," Paul handed it over, not looking at him.

"Thanks." The other guys looked at each other disappointed and shook their heads. I wanted to laugh, it was so ridiculous. Jacob had this so easy. His friends knew he was gay, and plus the boy he liked, liked him back. Unlike me, there was no unrequited love in the equation.

I ended up staying for hours. I did my homework with Seth, and Dad came over with pizza and watched the game with Billy. Neither Jake nor I talked about Paul or the other guys, and I finally figured it out why I hadn't known before. They didn't see Paul or Jake as the gay friends. They didn't care and never focused on it when I was around. And also I wasn't exactly listening carefully to their thoughts. But they just wanted their friends to be happy.

"Bells?" Dad's voice broke me out of my bubble.

"Yeah?" I shook my head trying to clear my head. We'd just gotten home from Billy's and he was staring at something on the counter.

"What is this?" he nodded to a pile of money, holding the empty coffee can that we kept the grocery money in.

"Oh uh, Mac's grandson gave it to me," I told him realizing he was talking about the 100 dollar bill. "He wanted to give me money for the cookies."

"Jimmy?"

"Yeah, but he goes by James though. I wouldn't really go up to him and call him Jimmy. I feel like he would punch some-"

"Can you tell me anything else about him?"

"Uh big, scary, mean, not pleasant…"

"Okay thanks," he nodded.

"What's this about Dad?"

"What? Oh nothing. Mac has been worrying about him, that's all. Goodnight Bells."

"Night." I wondered why he was being so odd.

But everything was forgotten as I fell asleep, and a pair of green eyes swept me away to a meadow full of flowers….

The next day at school I did something I hadn't done in months. I pulled out my ipod. I hadn't needed it with Edward around as he would touch my hand often though briefly, but it was enough to erase my headaches. However I needed to change that because I had to distance myself away from him. It was my new motto. I needed to put in on a t-shirt or tattoo it on my wrist – oh wrist tattoos…

"Bella hey," Edward appeared next to me in the hall. "Oh…" his face fell noticing my earphones in. "Everything okay?"

"Yeah, just listening to music," I lied. My ipod had been turned off all morning. I hadn't actually needed it yet.

"Oh did you ever listen to that CD I made you?"

"Yeah, it was nice. Thanks," I lied again. I had hidden it from myself so I would forget about it. Listening to Edward-music wasn't going to help my situation. "Well, bye…"

"See you at lunch…" I turned away from him quickly. I didn't want to see his see-you-later smile which made me want to skip and hum happy notes.

That was how I spent the rest of my day - avoiding Edward. I spent lunch in the front office with Mrs. Cope catching up and listening to her gossip. In bio, I watched the video taking notes vigorously, and I participated in volleyball in gym. That I had to admit was fun because I nailed Mike in the head a few times without even trying.

But unfortunately I couldn't escape him after school, and we were all going to his house to watch some movie. I tried to back out of it, but Rose convinced me into going. Even though I loved Tilde's house and was even comfortable in it as the Cullen's' home, I felt extremely awkward that afternoon.

I sunk down lower into the couch. I hated these types of movies - about some kind damsel in distress who had a problem and were sure enough that a kiss would fix it. Well I wouldn't call myself a damsel, but I've been kissed and I've still got a curse - though there was the little part about Jasper not being my true love or whatever. But a kiss couldn't get rid of my curse anyways. What I had was some kind of brain anomaly - a mutation. Though I suppose I would call a pig nose a mutation, but that was a result of a family curse - not like in my case.

When the credits started rolling, I jumped from my spot, which I had purposefully sat as far as I could away from Edward, and pretended to stretch.

"Good movie Alice," Emmett chewed still chomping on his popcorn - from a bowl that he shared with Rosalie. That was how we knew she loved him back.

"Yeah Alice," Rose smirked at Jasper because it wasn't Alice who had picked out the movie. He really did enjoy his romantic comedies.

"Thank you, Jaz helped," Alice giggled.

"Well I'm off," I yawned slipping on my coat.

"You're leaving already?" Edward asked, his eyes knitted at me.

"Yeah I'm tired. I should get home," I mumbled even though it was only 5 o'clock.

"I'll walk you out... Do you want a ride?" he asked shutting the backdoor behind him.

"No thanks," I told him heading to the back trail. I started pacing myself a little faster, but Edward was still behind me. I finally stopped at the meadow to look at him.

"Is there something wrong?" he took a step closer, and I had to look away from his intense stare.

"Aren't you cold?" I changed the subject noticing he wasn't wearing a jacket.

"There is, isn't there? What is it?"

"You're going to get sick. You should go back inside where it's warm," I completely ignored his question.

"Chicago gets a lot colder than this. I think I'll be okay." He took another step closer. "Plus you're warm enough for the both of us. Are you okay?"

"I just have a lot on my mind right now. It's kind of stressing," I rubbed my neck staring at his blue sweater. When did blue sweaters become so sexy?

"Talking about it helps." Why did he have to be so nice? Why can't he be like be a jerk like the rest of them? Ignore me and just hope that it passes quickly.

"The movie just irked me a little. It brought up some stuff..."

"Yeah, I was wondering if the whole kissing thing would work on you... with your curse," he scoffed at the word.

My heart flipped. Why was he thinking about that? It was like he was reading my mind which I'm fairly certain he can not do. My heart continued pounding when I looked back up at him. I didn't realize he was standing so close even though I had been blatantly staring at his chest.

"No I don't think it would. How is love supposed to help? It can't just get rid of a curse," I stammered.

"I believe love makes everything better. What else are we supposed to live for if it didn't?" he spoke softly, and I swear his face was getting closer to mine. I swear it. It felt like he was going to kiss me...

"French fries," I breathed looking down - breaking that connection between us. "I don't know. World peace, maybe?" That was a stupid answer, but anything was better than me throwing myself at him. That definitely would have ruined our friendship, and I didn't know if I could handle the rejection. "I'll see you later," I stepped away from him and headed for my house.

Thankfully my dad wasn't home, and I curled up in my room just wanting to fall asleep. I would have played some music but now music just reminded me of Edward, and I didn't want to dream about him anymore. The nightmares had stopped being nightmares and had become something different…

"Bella wake up," Rose's voice sounded in my ear, and my body shook as she nudged me pulling on the blanket.

"Damn it I just fell asleep. Why are you always waking me up? I'm going to shoot you. I have a gun," I grumbled moaning as she yanked the sheets away.

"Wake up sleepy," Alice's voice sounded in my other ear.

"Go away Alice. I don't want to shoot you."

"It's seven, you should get up if you want to get any sleep tonight," she patted my head.

"Seven?" I peeked at the clock and groaned. I had slept over an hour.

"Why can't you do that for me?" Rose whined as I sat up.

"Because I hate you," I growled at her.

"Ouch," Alice laughed. "You weren't joking. She is nasty."

"What do you want?" I blinked at them trying to wake myself up.

"We wanted to talk to you about Edward - hey be quiet and listen," Rose snapped as I started to pout. "You like him."

"A lot," Alice chipped in.

"And we haven't said anything because you needed time and shit, but you're worse than a stubborn mule, and you -"

"I do," I cut her off. I didn't need her to tell me everything that I knew.

"What?"

"I like him, okay? And more than a lot."

"I don't really know what the problem is now," Alice looked at Rose.

"I can't be with him," I answered. "I can't. It won't work out - even if there was the chance he did like me, we still wouldn't."

"Why not?"

"Because I can't leave Forks, and he won't stay."

"Stop making excuses Bella. That's like more than a year away, but how do you know? How can you know if you don't even know what he wants? You have to try or you'll always wonder what if," Rose said as her face softened.

"Yeah what about the other what ifs? Like what if we only last a week? What if it ruins our friendship? What if he hates me? In the end, this would be better. Keeping quiet. Not doing anything."

"You're Elinor," Alice finally spoke again.

"Who?" Rose raised an eyebrow at her.

"Elinor Dashwood from Sense and Sensibility... You're just like her. You've played matchmaker for all of us, but yourself. You don't see how much Edward likes you, and you've been putting everyone else before yourself. Stop being Elinor and start being Bella."

"Well shouldn't I actually be more like Elinor because in the end she does end up with Edward…" I tried, teasing her. I was not Elinor. We were nothing alike. We were... completely the same. "What if he-"

"No more what ifs," she snapped. "Bella, shouldn't Edward get a choice in the matter? Doesn't he get to decide what happens too? What if he gets sick again? What if tomorrow he gets hit by car and dies? Or in three years? Then you'll be regretting that time you could have spent together even more. And I know you'll be regretting all of this time you've been wasting by wondering and not doing."

"How do you know that he even likes me like that?" I questioned, trying to suppress the anxious heavy feeling in my chest.

"Because it's so obvious. I love watching him squirm, but it's just gotten a little pathetic. Just a little while ago when you left, he came back inside and was all bothered – pulling on his hair and grumbling to himself."

"…I thought he was going to kiss me," I admitted, covering my face in my hands. The feeling in my chest was getting worse, and I was so embarrassed.

"What?" their voices echoed.

"Tell us everything. Don't leave anything out," Rose smiled, pulling my hands away.

"No I don't even remember exactly what he said," I blushed. All lies. "But I remember he was just so close to me, and his face was getting closer; and then I said something about French fries, and I left…"

"Oh Bella, your almost first kiss," Alice smiled wistfully, obviously thinking about her own.

"Um actually Alice," I hesitated, not wanting to tell her. Rose gave me a reassuring nod, and I think Alice caught on.

"Oh…" her eyes widened. "I keep forgetting."

"Don't worry," I shook my head. "They were quick pecks, and there were only three of them, and the first time, I kissed him because he thought I was pretty and he liked me. It was… a safe bet."

"It's okay. Jasper's not exactly the only boy I've kissed, but he's the only boy I've ever… loved." Alice smile nervously.

"Aw… gross," Rose grimaced, making us laugh. "Emmett was my real first kiss. We were under his jeep, and I had just tightened the drain plug when I looked at him," she sighed.

"Yes, we were there," I rolled my eyes as she slapped my knee. "We remember – oil smears and all."

"I have to admit, you must try kissing someone upside down. It's a completely different sensation," she grinned.

"Oooh like Spiderman!"

"What?" I looked at Alice confused.

"Oh boy," she gaped at me. "I'm going to give you some stuff to google…"

"So what are you going to do?" Rose looked at me.

"About what?"

"Oh my god. Edward? What are you going to do now?" Alice rolled her eyes.

"Uh…"

"Bella Maurice Swan-"

"That's not her middle name," Rose shook her head at Alice.

"It's Marie," I offered. "You were close."

"Well I just made one up!"

"Isn't Maurice a boy's name?" I tried not to smile.

"Stop changing the subject and being all Edward-y. Really what are you going to do?" Alice nearly growled.

"How am I being all Edward-y?" I knitted my eyes at her.

"You're trying to be all witty and smart aleck-y which are Edward's best qualities," she scoffed.

"Ooh you have been kinda like that lately," Rose agreed.

"Really?"

"Okay you know what? I'm going to call your dad and we're going to lock you and Edward in a jail cell until you start making out."

"Alice, I don't think he'd go for that," I cringed.

"I can get a pair of handcuffs," Rose suggested as Alice's face lit up.

"Stop! I'll do it okay. Just let me build up some courage. I'll do it," I groaned.

The whole thing was nerve wracking, and it made me want to throw up. How exactly was I supposed to go up to Edward and tell him that I liked him? Was I supposed to do it quickly like ripping off a band aid? Oh hey Edward, in case you didn't know, I'm in love with yout. Or subtle… I like you more than friends Edward. Can I borrow your math homework? Or maybe in a note… Hey Edward, I like you. Do you like me? Check yes or no. With the little boxes and everything. Or I could ask him if he likes where our friendship's at? In the friend zone or not in the friend zone – the love zone?

After I finally got Alice and Rose out of my house I decided to take a bath. It had been a while since I last had one because I only took them when I was super stressed out, but ever since I told Edward last week that I liked them, it had been in the back of my mind stirring. Plus this whole tell-Edward-you-love-him thing was pretty stressing. I just wasn't at that extreme stressed out level… yet.

I tried clearing my head as my body soaked in the lavender bubbles. The sound of rain hitting the window was soothing and I could feel the stress slipping away.

*Thump… Scraaap*

My eyes popped open and my ears stretched trying to listen for any more –

*Thump*

Great. I was naked in the tub and there's some kind of scary noise coming from right outside the window. It must have been some kind of raccoon. A really big raccoon.

*Tap tap tap… tap tap*

Was it knocking on the window? What kind of raccoon was this? I stood up and wrapped a towel around myself and pulled the blinds open. There was a dark figure – way too big to be a raccoon – and it was waving at me. When I squinted at him, I could see his messy hair falling into his face and he pushed it back. It was Edward.

"What the hell?" I managed out as I struggled to open the window with one hand.

"I'm sorry – I thought this was your bedroom window," he stammered. He was standing on the roof of the back porch, and I shook my head at him.

"Why are you trying to come through my window at night? Didn't you think to use the front door?"

"Because I didn't know if you're dad was home, and I knew you wouldn't answer because you've been avoiding everyone. I would have texted you or messaged you but I can't because you don't a cell phone or a facebook, so I'm here. Can I come in?"

"Yeah," I stepped back as he climbed in through the small window.

When I glanced in the mirror, I realized I was still wearing only a towel. I left quickly mortified and locked my bedroom door behind me. I still felt naked wearing my pajamas and I was wishing I had something nicer than a pair of sweats and a holy t-shirt.

"Bella?" Edward knocked on my door.

"Hi," I blushed when I opened it. How was it possible that he had seen me nearly naked twice now?

"Hey…" he stepped into my room, and I backed myself away from him. There was no way I was confessing my love for him tonight.

"So why'd you come over?" I cleared my throat. Wet Edward moved to the top of my list… Whenever I've been out in the rain for a long time, I looked like a drowned cat, but Edward looked like a god – that really perfectly good looking one. What was his name? But maybe he really was a god, and he was just doing all of this to torture me like the rest of them.

"I wanted to talk to you."

"About?"

"You…"

"Oh."

"I've just," he paused running a hand through his hair. "You've been acting really weird and I didn't know if it was something that we couldn't talk about around people. Or if you just needed someone to talk to…"

I didn't need to talk about my situation anymore. I've talked about it way too much with everyone else but the person that I needed to tell. And I didn't have it in me to tell him tonight. Why was he always so nice and sweet? Couldn't we go back to the old days when he ignored me and thought I was a psycho?

"I do want to talk to you about something, but can it wait until tomorrow?"

"Yeah sure, just as long as you promise that you will," he held out his pinky.

"Alright, I promise," I grinned hooking my pinky around his.

"Good," he smiled twisting his hand and interlocking our fingers together. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"Tomorrow…"

He left me standing in my room in a daze, and I heard him stumbling in the bathroom.

"Edward, wait!"

"Yeah?" he hurried back into my room, sounding kind of hopeful.

"Use the door this time," I shook my head leading him downstairs.

What if rung through my mind. What if Edward did like me? What if he wanted to be more than friends? Maybe that's why he's so nice to me… I finally recognized that anxious feeling now. I sometimes got it when we were getting our math tests back from Mr. Varner… It was hope.

AN: This is a filler chapter. Not too thrilled with it, but I needed to get this out before the next chapter which is really scary. I don't know how you guys will respond to it. I haven't really gotten into it yet but the outline scares me… but I'm the author and I overreact with every little detail…

Movie reference – the pig nose thing was from Penelope – I saw it in theaters. It's a sweet movie and I love James McAvoy.

not sure when I'll update next because ill be at hogwarts in 10 days - i mean universal studios :) and i don't get back until june 1st.

THANKS FOR READING!