Chapter 2- on the edge

Dr Lila Craddock had never had a patient as complex as Clint Barton. He was not a man who opened up about what was on his mind easily. So getting him to talk about his lastest nightmare was not a simple straightforward matter. But then what had led him to experiencing these dreams was not exactly ordinary. How many patients have had their mind controlled by a God and aginst their will commited violent acts against the people they worked for. She could not imagine what he must be going through . The nightmares were just a manifestation of his sub conscious mind processing what he'd done. Her initial scans of his brain indicated that the part of Clint's mind responsible for dreaming was at times hyperstimulated. That was why he had such vivid nightmares. They would only ease when he went through the process of resolving his guilt about what he'd been forced to do.

Reading the latest report Lila ground her teeth. Fury had planned to ignore her recommendation of more down time for Clint and sent him back on a mission. He had found out exactly what would have happened had he not put Clint through the training ground first. Clint would not longer be alive and she guessed that was a very sobering splash in the face for their director. Failing an assessment so spectacularly was not something that had ever happened to Clint before and she was sure he must be feeling very off blance.

The whole process of getting him back to normal was going to be slow and probably painful. As he came into the room she noted how restless he looked. He did not acknowledge her presence just prowling around the edges of the room like a lion caged for the first time."Agent Barton why don't you sit down and we can get started", she suggested. He totally ignored her keeping up his restless wandering.

Clint knew did not want to be here, in this sterile room and feel like there was still something wrong with him. But then again he had to admit to himself that the whole incident with Loki had been extremely unsettling. Realizing that did not make him want to sit and chat though, he still felt best on the move, as though he was still running from the nightmare.

Okay, thought Lila as Clint ignored her request , he was not going to sit still, he was still here in this room ,which an indication that on some level he knew something was wrong. So just move on ,she told herself. He can still talk and move at the same time. "Why don't you tell me what happened down on the testing ground Agent Barton", she prodded.

Now he stopped pacing to look at her for a second. She saw this look of disgust cross his face. He was feeling very annoyed with himself. "I died, that's what happened. One second of distraction and I took two in the chest. If it had been real they would have been carrying me out in a body bag", Clint told her angrily. He could hardly believe that had happened, it made him feel weak and a washout, like his usefulness to Fury and SHIELD was over. Without that life what did he have left. It was not something he wanted to think too much about. So he just went for anger and hoped it portrayed what he felt effectively. Sure enough Lila Craddock picked up on the cue, "I can hear the anger in your voice Agent Barton, but know that at times everyone fails",she said calmly. She wanted him not to look at it like a terrible failure and something he had to run away from.

Clint snorted, this doctor did not understand how good he actually was. So he explained, "I have never missed, ever Dr Craddock".

She was surprised, even the best sometimes had their off days. But to work for an agency like SHIELD he had to be more than just the best. So there was something a little special about what he could do. He probably felt that his failure on the testing ground took that specialness away and made him a lesser person. No wonder he looked so disgusted, it was a high benchmark to set to always make the perfect shot." Ahh, so I guess it was a shock for it to finally happen Agent Barton and you are asking yourself why it happened", she hinted. He started walking again not really wanting to have this conversation at all. Talking about feelings had never been his strong point. But before Fury was going to give him clearance to return to the field he needed the nightmares to end. Talking through what was going on was the only way for that to happen. He walked another circuit of the room before saying anything though. It just felt better to be on the move than standing still. "I know why it happened', he finally told her.

Lila did not say anything, she wanted him to continue without her having to prompt him. He had to want to work with her and not have her drag the information from him and ultimately make it worse for them both. "I had my nightmare while I was awake", Clint continued. Now that was interesting and not something that had happened before. She wanted more information and that did require her to prompt him. "Tell me about it Agent Barton". Clint forced himself to think about what had happened. "I heard myself say' don't forget' right as I was going to shoot at the next round of bad guys', he explained.

Lila processed this and made an assumption, 'so you hear the same words in your dream", she reported.

That made Clint tell her about his dream. "It feels so real, like I can reach out and touch the hand held out toward me. The screams echo in mind with an intensity that I find hard to shut out. I wake up screaming at that point every time" . Lila found it hard to keep looking at Clint while he prowled around the room. Would the man never still still. Maybe it was just part of his fear, if he sat still then the nightmare would catch him. "What you dream tells me is that you feel very vulnerable and out of control. You are strapped to a bed and someone else is doing things to you that you do not like and cannot stop". This must be how you felt when you mind was controlled by someone else", she suggested

Clint did not like to think about what Loki had done to him. But right now he could not avoid this conversation or the feelings it was evoking inside him. "I could not think anything doctor, it was like my mind was trapped…","ahh I see that what you think my dream is reliving", Clint guessed.

Lila smiled at him, Clint Barton was a fairly astute man . "Agent Barton what happened to you is unusual and there has to be some fallout from what you experienced. At night our subconscious mind can conjure all sorts of things that during the day our conscious mind will not allow us to think about. I think your control during the day is slipping because you are trying too hard to shut out your feelings".

"I know you don't want to talk about your experiences but I think these dreams are telling you that you that there is no other choice", Lila told him gently. Clint exhaled loudly and forced himself to slow his steps, he was not stopping yet but he was getting closer to the point when he would not be afraid to stop. "It is just that this dream is so much more vivd and real than the rest. Plus I have it over and over, always the same. I thought that did not happen with dreaming', he told Lila.

She had to think about that one. It was unusual to always have exactly the same dream. But as she said what he faced was unusual so probably what he was going through now would also not follow regular patterns. " I think we have to stop thinking about the usual Agent Barton and go with anything is possible on this one", she explained.

Clint had almost stopped walking, it was beginning to make a type of sense to him. But then his mind would go and throw him another thought that would start him pacing again. This time it was the age thing. "I know you told me that I am a young boy in this dream because we feel more vulnerable and powerless as a child. It is just that, this nightmare is the only one where I am so young." In all the others I see myself as I am now."

He was certainly challenging her and sometimes she felt like she was struggling to find the answers. At times her mind would tell her there was something else here that she was not seeing . But no, she could not get distracted by that thought. This was simply about what he'd been through at the hands of a man named Loki. So she told him, "childhood is that time when we often dream of monsters Agent Barton I am sure you remember many instances as a child when you have been afraid of what is living in your closet or under your bed". She wanted him to think about fear and to face that fear. He was an Agent and a man who had special talents. He was not used to being vulnerable or out of control.

Casting his mind back all Clint found was a hole. "I do not remember much before the age of 8 Doctor Craddock, and past that my memories of childhood are sketchy . There were things that frightnened me, but not like this", he wound off and increased his pace until he was almost running around the room.

Lila was getting dizzy watching him. She wanted to yell at him to stop and sit down but knew it would not work. He was like a caged lion and very possibly this was the wrong type of cage to place him in.

She was suddenly conscious of the fact that this room just screamed the fact that there was something wrong with him. It's walls were whitely clinical and the one way mirror just suggested the fact that someone was watching everything you did and said. She doubted Clint Barton was going to ever feel comfortable while he was here.

"Look Agent Barton it is obvious this is distressing for you and I doubt that feeling that you are in some hospital helps at all", Lila suggested.

When she said the word hospital Clint suddenly found himself back in his dream facing a doctor. But instead of Lila Craddock it was another doctor. This one had a strong sense of menace leaching from his pores. Clnt could feel that he wanted to escape from this doctor but could not. He both see and feel strong bonds holding him down. There were other things he could see, that provoked more terror, scalpels, clamps and more surgical instruments he could not name. He could feel the scream coming again. But it did not cross his lips at that moment because his eyes found someone else standing at the side of the room. She had been in shadows before but now they had lifted and he could see her clearly. A small petite woman, a tad over 5 foot, her hair was blond and these intense blue eyes focused upon him. "I am sorry, sorry", she was sobbing,"please forgive me Clint," Her hand was out toward him but he felt no inclination to take hold. Instead his gaze moved away from her and onto himself. But as usual it was like he was in one place and seeing himself in another. He could still see the scary, doctor and the distressed woman but it was his own blue eyes that drew him in. Now he was wrenching one hand free from the bonds and holding it out to himself. Screams began to race from his lips, no,no,no over and over again. "Forgive me , Forgive me", the womans screams matched his own.

"Agent Barton", Lila Craddock said it quietly at first from a few metres away. Clint Barton had stopped pacing suddenly and was now standing just staring into space. This was what had happened on the testing ground she realized. She tentatively moved closer as she did not want to frighten him and cause him to lash out. "Agent Barton", she increased the tone of her voice as she closed the gap between them.

"No", the sound escaped from his lips and she saw hot tears roll from his eyes. Whatever he was experiencing at this moment was something that was deeply affecting him. A deep sense of compassion rose within her. Clint Barton had been controlled by someone else and unable to stop what he had been doing. Now his mind may be his own but it was torturing him with feelings of loss and helplessness. She wanted to help him.

"Clint", Lila tried just his first name and a gentle touch. He seemed to be staring right through her.

Then just like that his eyes moved to focus directly upon her. "I saw it all again", he whispered.

Inside Clint felt like he was shaken and off balance. When would this horrible nightmare end. Lila reached out and touched him gently ,warmly, "I can help you Agent Barton". Together we will drive these nightmares out of your mind. You can have world where you no longer live in fear".

All Clint could do was nod. Lila saw it as acceptance of the trials to come. "Now tell me about what you experienced just then", she prodded. Clint fought against the images . "Just relax Agent Barton, let yourself feel what you did a moment ago. Nothing can hurt you", Lila touched him again.

Clint forced his mind back into that place, almost feeling the screams come to his lips again before pushing them down. "It was the same dream only this time I could see a woman watching me fight the bonds that held me down. In some way it felt like she was responsible for what was happening. But she didn't stop the pain", Clint told her shakily.

Lila processed that and came to what she thought was the right diagnosis. "It is all still about helplessness Agent Barton. When you were under the control of Loki you could not do anything. But perhaps you might feel that others were watching and not doing anything to help you".

Clint had wondered whether Loki could have influenced Captain America, he was a super hero, a man who had abilities beyond his own. That was the case with Tony and Bruce as well. Lila was saying that deep down he felt angry at being the one who got controlled as well as thinking the others with all their super powers did not save him quickly enough. He had never thought consciously of blaming the others. But perhaps some part of him hidden away in his brain did. This was all so confusing.

"I don't know", was all he all he said to Lila. She accepted that answer for now. "When will these nightmares get better", Clint asked with a heavy wariness. "It is a process Agent Barton that you must see through to the end. "You are going to have to learn not shut out the pain of the nightmares no matter how much you want to fight against them. I think they need to run their course before you can heal."

Lila thought some more, "maybe you need to face Loki again, to see him at a time when you are not in a battle and through a mind that is not controlled". Clint had of course helped to fight Loki once he'd been freed from his influence. It had been partly satisfying to see him taken away. He was not sure he ever wanted to see the man again. "I can't look him in the eye and think of him as being just a flawed human being who also makes mistakes. He's an alien god from another planet", he told Lila with touch of sarcasm".

"Yeah and right now he is in a prison serving time for his crimes. He cannot control you, cannot hurt you". Seeing him as vulnerable may just help.", Lila countered firmly . She knew it was always hards for victims to face the people who had hurt them. In Clint's case she thought that seeing Loki in his cell may just help bring some peace to the archer.

"I'll think about it", Clint decided. He would not dismiss her suggestion. There was part of him that wanted the opportunity to yell at Loki and then after that have a laugh that for all of his 'oh I am mighty attitude' he had fallen on his butt in a spectacular way.

"Alright, I'll talk to director Fury and see if I can set it up for whenever your'e ready". She looked at Clint," I am also going to ask him if he will consent to us undertaking this counseling in a different location. I have a very nice mountain cabin that is quiet that I think you may like."

Clint looked over the sterile walls with disgust. "Thanks, I appreciate that", he told her.

"I'll talk to him now,while you take the opportunity to get something to eat and drink", Lila stated. She knew what he was going through was grueling and keeping up food and fluids was essential for his body to keep functioning at the moment. She left him making for the cafeteria while she made her way to Fury's office. She swallowed before entering. He was a man that could be intimidating just by looking at you. She had to sound assured , like she knew what she was doing and what was in the best interests of Agent Barton.

A few momemts later she was still awkwardly in front of him explaining why she wanted to take Barton out of this SHIELD run insistute. Fury was frowning at her before she even finished speaking. "The problem I have Dr Craddock is that Clint Barton is a dangerous man. The damage he inflicted while he was controlled was significant . I have had to fight off suggestions from higher up that he should be held responsible for his actions."

Lila was feeling appalled, "but he could not help what he did director. If Loki had touched you with that staff then you would have been the one doing the damage".

Fury nodded, "I understand that. Not even once have I wanted to blame Clint for what happened. But I am also the director of the Avengers initiative, it has not been a popular program. These are powerful dangerous individuals and attempting to control them is the same as dealing with any sensitive and at times unstable material. It can explode in your face and turn all the cheers into finger pointing. That is what is happening now that Loki is behind bars." To stop all these people making Clint out as the enemy and going after him I have to assure them he is not still unstable. To do that I have to make sure I am watching him no matter how much he does not like that". Feeling his face screw up Nick let Lila Craddock see his own distaste of the opinions of others. He had always held Clint in high regard and wanted him back as part of his initiative.

"I want to help him Doctor'", he assured Lila. "Then agree to move him out of this place. It is not helping. Keep monitoring him if you must but give him some air and breathing space. If you are worried that he'll be a flight risk then don't be. He was genuinely off balance by his failure at the training ground and wants things to get better. His personality will make moving forward a slow process but he can be healed from these crippling nightmares Director Fury. But you'll have to trust me to do it my way", she sat taller to make herself look confident and assured

It must have worked because Fury said "alright I'll give him approval to leave". Once he had said that she dropped something else upon him. "I'd also like to arrange for him to talk to Loki again at a time when he feels more comfortable in pursing that conversation."

Now Fury frowned at her again and she knew he was about to argue with her. "Are you out of your mind", Nick said it with a definite scorn. "Loki is the master of manipulation, I don't want him so much as even seeing Clint again".

Lila, crossed her arms over her chest. "To heal he'll have to face his demons director, even if they are Gods from another planet. As I understand Loki cannot exert any influence over Agent Barton again. "

"He cannot control his mind, but he can still create an influence, Doctor I believe this is a very bad idea." Nick Fury told her seriously. Something came over Lia Craddock that she had not experienced many times before, a desire to contradict the director of SHIELD. "I disagree totally director , he needs to talk to Loki. If you want to help them then arrange it, without the arguments". She stared him down boldly but did not really expect him to buckle. She was harldy what you would call intimidating.

"Alright I will trust your judgement doctor, but I hope you are reading this right", he told her with a glint in his eye. There was definite unspoken words of you better be right or else..in there. She would pay with her career within SHIELD if something went wrong. It spoke of how much Nick Fury liked and respected Clint Barton. She acknowledged that even though part of her was shaking inside at the thought of the responsibility thy that was resting upon her own shoulders.

Barely 1 hour later Clint was saying his goodbyes. Natasha was nestled in his arms. "Loki left something inside of me as well Clint", she told him. "I have red in my ledger and need to wash it out". She remembered Loki saying that to her . He had seen within her in that instance, who she was, the black Widow an assassin with the deaths of many staining her hands. But she could not dwell in the dark place that was her past. She had an opportunity to move forward and the man standing in front of her had been responsible for that. Without further thought she was pulling him forward and kissing him, deeply and passionately .

Nick Fury had come to give Clint a send off and stopped outside the door as he saw Natasha and Clint in a passionate embrace. He supposed it was inevitable that these two would end up in a relationship. They were alike in many ways. Although he knew he should tell them both that it would interfere with their professional working relations he would instead pretend he saw nothing. Ultimately he wanted Clint Barton back and would do anything to achieve that goal. He just hoped sending that sending Clint away with Doctor Cranston was not a mistake. He was putting a lot of trust in this woman to make Clint's nightmares go away.