Hey you guys, here's the new chapter! Hope you all still like the story so far cuss there's still a lot to come :D Anyways, I want to thank everyone whose reading this story and especially the ones who faithfully read and review every time I update. You guys totally rock!

So here's a bit of an insight in Raph's life the last couple of years. Enjoy!

Chapter 14: solitude

The cooling rain on my body washes off the last remains of the burning adrenaline that coursed through me moments ago. The sai in my belt are still dripping from the blood and I can feel how some drops trail down my legs together with the rain. Blood has always been thicker than water.

I don't turn around. I can't turn around. It is strange. The one thing that has scared me the most has now become my greatest ally. When it took me over when Mikey was burned I learned to fear it because it made me lose touch with reality. Now it protects me from the things I've done. As long as there is no family or friends for me to look after, I can let the red haze consume my mind without hesitation and when I do, it allows me to do… tremendous things.

This time it was a group of Footninjas that spotted me but they were newbies. A lot of fresh meat has been recruited lately. I guess they're running out of soldiers to send. I'm not sure how long it has taken me to finish them all off, the anger that clouds my mind doesn't let anything through. No senses, no pain, no voice of reason. Not like the day Mikey was murdered. There's a difference between now and then. At that moment I was scared for what happened to me, I was angry but scared. Not anymore. I let this power take me, I'm not afraid of it I work with it while it helps me with my task: to kill every single Footninja in this godforsaken country.

According to Leo it's a deadman's job but he told me that so long ago. He didn't know what I could do then. What I was capable of if I just let go of myself. He doesn't understand how it feels. That I need to do this for them. To keep them safe from having to go through the same as Mikey had to. To keep them safe from having to go through the same as I had to. What if the Foot attacks them again?

I can hear a growl far away but still I know it comes from me. The red edges around my vision tell me I'm losing myself again. I don't try to manage it, I watch it unfold. Inside my head I wonder if I could've done this all while actually watching, committing murder with my own hand instead of having something else move my body. But I know the answer. It's simple, I couldn't. Master Splinter taught us self-defence, he didn't turn us into assassins. And I ain't one either. As much as I try not to believe in that anymore, I am still only 18 years old, 15 when I started this. I'm not a killer. But the job needs to be done somehow. It's probably the reason that I never look back to see what I've caused though. It would destroy me, eat me alive if I ever see the destruction, the murder, the dead men. They can't return to their homes. But why would they deserve it. I almost had no one to return either when they captured me and my brother.

For a second I see the young faces of the Footninjas from half an hour ago. Even the shouting before they launched into an attack had been in shakey voices. Those kids were scared out of their minds. And after that, no idea but I don't think any of them is getting home tonight. Not ever.

When the haze evaporates I'm glad to see the only blood is coming from my knuckles. I've made unintentional kills before, innocent people instead of ninja scum. I'm in an alleyway now though, while I originally started on a rooftop. Metal bins are dented, wood has splintered and brick walls have crumbled. I quietly hiss when the cold water out of the sky hits my stinging hands and decide that enough has happened for today. Luckily Mikey came early, he wouldn't have wanted to see me like this.

I make my way back home over the rooftops again, wasting no time on finding another fight to throw myself into. I'm not in the mood now. It's my birthday after all. I snort. As if that's worth celebrating.

When I'm on top of the right building, I take the fire-escape to climb down into the alley. I squat besides one of the windows that lead towards the basements of the building. It needs to be wriggled a little until it swings open. I climb in and find the old beat-up mattress right there with the few other things I've taken with me when I moved out of the lair. The small room belongs to Casey's dad but they hardly come here. There's boxes filled with junk like for Halloween and Christmas and stuff. And Casey's old bike from when he was younger, a pink skateboard that doesn't look like it's ever been outside and some mechanics only God and Donnie know where it came from.

I grab a towel and dry myself off before sitting down on my mattress. Not that long after I hear someone at the door. I hide although I'm pretty sure it's Casey.

"Hey Raph," I hear a whisper and with a soft grunt I come out from behind the boxes. "Mike told me you got him home. Uhm happy birthday still, I guess."

I nod as way of saying thanks but otherwise ignore him. He sounds nervous, not much like himself. I get it though. There'd been a party at the lair, like every other mutation day. And he'd been there and I hadn't.

"Listen, Master Splinter gave me this. Told me it was your present this year. He wanted to give you them all personally but when you didn't come and didn't listen to Mike either. Well he gave it to me."

I turn around, my hands still fumbling with the gauze I try to wrap around my knuckles. It's not easy but I got better at it with the practise I got. My eyes widen when I see what Casey gets from behind his back though. There's no paper around it, as if you can ever find wrapping paper inside dumpsters, so I immediately see the gift. And it makes me catch my breath.

I had forgotten about that. When we were little Master Splinter had started on our juzu. It's a bracelet with wooden beads, sometimes called Buddhist Prayer Beads. It's traditional to give them to Japanese adolescents on the second Monday of January in the year they turn twenty. It's when they come of age. However, Master Splinter wanted to give them to us when we turn eighteen instead, mixing his heritage with that off more western traditions. It's a birthday gift all four of us have waited our whole lives for. It's completely handmade by our sensei, every beat rounded to perfection by what could only be days of sanding and polishing.

I take the present in my hand and stare. There are three charms on it, a lucky three meaning 'birth', and the kanji for fire on each of them. "Be as fierce as fire," I mutter, forgetting Casey is there.

"Huh?" the human asks.

"Nothing," I say. "Thanks for taking this with you. I think you should go up, your dad's gonna wonder where you are."

He takes my advice without questioning it, probably understanding that I want to be alone right now. That's the only good thing that has come out of this mess, that Casey's proven to be a good friend, one I can count on.

I grab the bracelet and put it where it belongs, with the other stuff that means too much for me to get on without. After that I finish wrapping up my hands and lay down, ready for a good night of sleep.

It's hard to find though. Sleep never comes easy but this time is worse than other nights. The rain is still dripping down, clattering softly against the window I've left open. The room is so damp and smelly I don't mind the cold evading the room as long as the fresh air will get in. I wrap myself a little tighter in my blanket but it doesn't help.

The eerie feeling won't leave my stomach. It's strange, I haven't felt like this for such a long time. The last time was when I told my family I would leave the lair. I felt just as empty then, alone. I sit up and rub my face in frustration. I grab the small notebook next to me and open it on a random page.

"Luckily I'm not the only one who felt this way," I mumble when I start reading.

Gees so many things to research and look up for just one chapter! Anyways hope you liked this bit plus the extra Japanese context. How I love learning about their culture. And sorry for their not being a fight, I tried but it turned out a bit too hard as Raph isn't actually there when killing. So I cut it out.

See ya guys!