Hey guys, you missed me? Okay so I know you're all super pissed with me or worried like Athese (I'm so sorry baby sis I didn't mean to) but I got a very good reason for ignoring you and not giving you any reviews. I kinda, sorta thought I could nail this one jump with gymnastics at school and broke three fingers and heavily bruised the rest (who the hell was that idiot who told me to always land on your hands if I fell?!). And let me tell you, yes that hurts as bad as it sounds. I've like, not slept for three nights because whenever I hit my hands against even a pillow I would cry out. But except for the broken fingers everything feels a lot better now. At least good enough for me to type. Not that fast but I can get stuff on paper. No you're probably all like, I don't care I just want my review, and I'm gonna try to catch up with that, I promise. But if I can't make it to reply to everything, you're gonna have a rocking review the next chapter, kay? ;)

Anyways you're in luck because my imagination didn't take a break at all. Expect a lot of updating this week hahaha, and a drabble-box I'm opening up but the explanations to that will come later. Enjoy the update now, cuss I bet you guys have grown tired of my stupid rambling, see ya!

Chapter 15: overshadow

The excitement of that night's fight had left my body long ago, together with the adrenaline that kept me going the whole time. Shadows were everywhere but I couldn't make out any figures. I could hear chaos, smelled the fear all the while I was trying not to lose myself in the crowd. It can be deadly if that happens.

It was after I had lost my tanto and only had my last two loyal weapons gripped in my hands, I decided to search for higher grounds, dreading to think of what I could do if I was rendered defenceless. It was on the fire escape that I saw him. I wouldn't have recognized him because of the black shadows that were encasing his body but those bright baby blue eyes pierce through even the darkest nights.

I knew why he was here, he wanted me to stop. He was there to drag my sorry but back home where he thought it would be safe. Stupid boy, he's getting himself killed, I remember thinking when I continued watching him from the fire escape while he tried to get down from the rooftop on the opposite side of the alleyway in which the fight took place.

I needed to stop him, I knew that, but what happened next left me standing there numbly. A figure moved behind him, detaching himself from the darkness, the metal of his weapon glinting in the night. I shouted, not caring if I would be heard or not, but he couldn't hear me at all. He didn't notice the threat behind him either, not until it was too late.

And with the first drops of blood my legs started cooperating again, my head rushing with fears and reprimands as I knew that this was all my fault. I didn't pay attention to how I got to the other side but when I did, there was a lot of blood on my hands that hadn't been there previously. It certainly wasn't my own.

When I skidded to a halt at the edge of the rooftop, where my little brother was lying on his back, my breathing regulated a bit more. One of his innocent, young hands was dangling over ridge, blood dripping down like rain would. I grabbed a hold of him, laying him against my chest, not minding the sticky substance all over me. I wondered how everything could be so dark except for the red blood. It's horrifying to have always thought of this substance as a failure, getting hurt, maybe even dying. And yet it was the only thing that was needed to save my baby brother's life. Not that it matters now. It was too late.

The tears dripping down my face make me feel vulnerable and free at the same time as, even though his heart already stopped beating, his eyes are still flowing over with moisture as well. This is between him and me, or last moment together, crying in pain. And I hate every single second of it. I can hardly see him because of the blackness around me. I can hardly hear my cries because of the slaughter beneath us. And I wish I can remember what his beautiful eyes looked like before they lost their life. It pained me to look at those empty grey orbs after his soul had left.

I closed his eyes and covered his chest wound with what I could. It was a straight hit, cutting him right through his heart. I begged he hadn't suffered for even a second and a small voice inside my hand thanked God for his death to have been swift. I quickly silenced it though, because it was far from appropriate. No one deserved gratitude. Someone deserved to suffer. Someone needed to go through the same pain I had to go through at that moment, to feel what it is like to lose the one you cared about the most.

I could see which one it was. Red. The red mask around his head had given him away. It's the only colour I could see that night but I had been sure of it. That turtle was going to die. One of his brothers must mean as much to him as Carlo did to me. And when I find out which one it is, my vengeance will be sweet.

I can't remember this particular night. Maybe I'm supposed to as it is the moment that would change the lives of Mikey and I forever but I just don't. There have been so many. When I killed that boy, I probably hadn't even seen he was a boy or the difference between him being a bystander or a foot soldier. I probably went right at the kill, thinking he wanted to ambush my brothers from higher ground. Would I have let him live if I knew he was just looking for his big brother?

That last line has always intrigued me. I have never really figured out why the word 'vengeance' is underlined but it causes a burning feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I like reading this notebook when I'm alone. Leo had taken it from Raphael the night we had left 'the nightmare factory' as Mikey so affectionately called it. I growl softly. My elder brother had given it to me a week after Mikey woke up, with the confession he had never killed Raphael, that he had committed suicide. I remember how angry I was, how I had torn up the dojo and after that all the heads I had bashed in with Casey on one of our patrols. That anger never really left me.

And that is why I don't understand my fascination for this notebook, this diary of a monster, a devilish creature from hell. The strange thing is, when I read this he doesn't sound like that at all. It's hard to picture the boy who has written this to be the man that tortured my baby brother to death and scared the living shit out of me because of what he made me become.

I'm not blind, I know I have changed. And if I didn't, my brothers would have made sure by telling me over and over again. They want me to come back but I know there is no way out of this now. I have already done too much. And if I turn around now, the burdens of my deeds will crash back onto me a tenfold. And there is no way I could live with that. I know the only thing that's keeping me sane is letting the red haze take over and add more to my death count. Whatever Leo, Donnie or Mikey might say, I'm not their brother anymore, not after I let my youngest down.

I close the diary again, not daring to read on. I've skimmed through a few pages of what comes after this story and quickly found out those were letters to his departed younger brother Carlo. And as much as I'm curious about the bond a inhumane monster can have with his kidbro, I'm not one to read something this personal.

I pick up my birthday present from master Splinter, letting the beads roll between my fingers till I come to one of the charms. "Fierce as fire" it was the kanji that my sensei had given me. I was always proud of that as it made me feel strong and invincible. And I was, I am. Only that came with a price when the same fire took my baby brother away from me. Sure, he's alive but at his essence, he's gone. Not being able to be a ninja anymore, his drawings not half as good as they used to be and his two elder brothers constantly watching him because of his handicaps, that did a number on him. Not to mention the mental damage.

I remember a couple of weeks ago, when Leo had tried to get me home again. I had almost relented.

"Hey Leo, where's Donnie?"

It was Monday, the only day in the week that I tag along with my brothers for patrol. I know they need that as much as I do. I don't want to alienate myself from them, even though those evenings I spent with them often earn me some looks of resent and even worse, pity.

"He had to stay with Mikey, he got triggered again."

I sigh but from the inside a fire is roaring again. Mikey's coping well, considering, but sometimes he gets these heavy panic attacks. It often happens when he sees something that helps him remember. For example, he hasn't been around any candle or stove pit for three years now because he can't handle fire nearby.

"What happened?" I ask, a little angry for Don and Leo letting something happen to have Mikey react to it. They know they need to be careful around him! On the other hand I know I can't blame them. I wasn't there either to stop it from happening. Damn it, it's been my fault he has these attacks in the first place.

"We were just going to watch a movie," Leo mutters miserably. "We had seen it before, you know, all that had happened and Don and I knew there was nothing in it that would cause Mikey to panic. We didn't think of the advertisements though. It was an old The Fast and the Furious trailer which they play before the actual movie starts and yeah… A big explosion and burning bodies was all he needed to freak out and lock himself into your room."

For some reason whenever Mikey was afraid he sought refuge in my room, even long after I had left the lair to live at Casey's. According to sensei he instinctively seeks comfort with me because I was the one to take on that role when we were captured. It makes me angry to think of that though. I didn't do shit to keep him safe, I actually pushed him right into the danger. And when he clung to me as he was stabbed, or electrified or poisoned all I could do was hold him and wait with him for the next move!

"Raph, he needs you home. He asks for you, you know. When either me or Donnie calms him down after a nightmare he always calls your name till he notices it's us."

I know this actually pains Leo a lot, to know that he can't do anything to fix Mikey. That he calls for a brother that isn't him.

"He doesn't, Leo, he needs you guys. He'll learn that later on. I'm only making things worse when I get back home."

I turn around, walking away because I know this patrol isn't going to get us anywhere tonight.

"Raphael, stop."

I do, more out of surprise than actually because I listen. Leo hasn't called to me like that in a very long time. After everything that happened our relationship has grown from that of rivals to us being allies, brothers. We had to work together to keep our little brothers safe. Although I took a slightly different approach than he did. It's still true though, that we haven't had a fight in a very long time. And the way he commanded me, it makes me think of all those times before that he yelled at me to stay and listen to him.

Leo's face furrows into a furious look that has me take a few steps back. He takes a calming breath before he opens his mouth and speaks.

"Get your shell back over here and listen to me," he grits through his teeth. I listen, more out of curiosity than anything else. I'm not afraid of our 'fearless leader' he never beat me in a fight, verbal or physical, and this certainly won't be the first time.

"You selfish jerk," he hisses. "Feeling bad for yourself because you decide to leave your family to rot for all you care and go up against the world, killing innocent men everywhere you go. Now stop thinking only about yourself and get back home to your brother who needs you more than ever right now!"

It didn't take me long to reply. Brother or not, I'm not one to be ordered around or accused. Especially not for abandoning my family. I do all this for them!

"You don't know anything about me, Leonardo," I hiss in the same low town he did. "And you can't tell me what to do."

With that I leave my blue-clad brother alone. I prick up my ears and listen carefully for him calling me back. He doesn't however, so I leave. A heavy conscience dragging behind me.

I don't feel guilty about that moment, I don't. Leo shouldn't have pushed me that night.

I lie back down, not feeling any closer to sleep as when I grabbed the notebook and started reading. It's okay though, I have hardly slept for the last three years. It's something you get used to I guess. And there's yet another thing I'm better at than Donnie. And I don't even need the stupid coffee.

With a grim grin I stare through the window I had climbed through a couple of hours ago, gazing at the stars I should've been able to see if it wasn't for the dark and blinding smog that fills the city air, covering all the lights up.

Damn it, this is like, no action at all or anything! I hope you don't mind this chapter being some sort of a filler but I really wanted to show how harsh Raph's life is, especially during the night.

And for everyone who plans to review, please tell me who you thought was narrating in the beginning of the chapter. Because I wanted it to make it still sound like it was Raph until the end of the passage. Did I do a good job or am I far too rusty after almost two weeks?

See ya all!