Hey guys, my friend is here again to type this thing out for me! And maybe even some Make More Sound or Drabble Box as well but that is up to her. Otherwise more is coming up soon anyways.

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Chapter 16: End

Tonight is Monday but instead of meeting up with my brothers for patrol I'm headed the exact opposite way, towards the docks and warehouses at the edge of the city. Last time I did patrol with Leo we ended up having that argument and I haven't seen my brothers since. I thought of at least checking in with Mikey but I know that will only result in me feeling guilty and him being miserable. The little Knucklehead is good at that. He can push all my buttons, make me so goddamn angry I want to bash his head in at one moment, and grab him into a hug to protect him the other. And Leo is no better. Getting me to feel like the worst brother on the planet with a couple of words, me calming down and have me apologising just for the sake of the guilt sliding of my shoulders again. Donnie's a different case. He'll stare at me, trying to find out what's wrong and fix it even when he can't. Then he'll look like a kicked puppy. I hate that and the look is as bad as Mikey's although not as powerful. Must be a Little-Brother-Self-Defence-Mechanism or something like that.

So that's why I think it's better if I won't see my brothers for a couple of weeks, getting my head back in the game and not having all that family-drama which is dragging me down. I've been out of it for a while now and especially with our mutation day and all, they've been more persuasive in getting me back. Staying out here to do what I believe is right is getting harder and harder. But apparently it isn't only my brothers who are bothering me and keep me distracted.

I feel strange, uncomfortable. My stomach still feels queasy from when I thought it was because of the nerves of facing Leo again, even though I'm getting farther and farther away from him with every step. There's also this voice that keeps screaming at me to turn around and get away. Normally I listen to my instincts, they are the only sane part of me left since I moved out. I thought my instincts were the only thing left out here for me to trust, rational thinking often getting me into the trouble, not helping me out and making me think that what I'm doing isn't specifically the best choice. But instincts are overrated. Especially tonight because there is nothing for me to be afraid of, no reason to listen to the nagging feeling inside. I keep telling myself that. It's just the docks, I can handle all the scum that's down there with one hand tight to the back of my shell. And because I don't want to have any chances to run into Don and Leo, there isn't really anywhere else I can go to. They hardly come here for patrol because usually there isn't happening much and because it's quite far from the Lair, thus it taking a hell of a lot of time to get here.

For me it's the place to be though because there's only low-lives, muggers and rapists down here. If I lose control again no one who doesn't deserve it will get hurt or worse.

The night is crisp, bordering on cold and I know it'll take me ages to get back to a comfortable warmth when I return to Casey's cellar. I can deal with it though, I've got a thick skin. When I just left home it was different, I was less determined, less used to being this alone I guess. It was hard not to pack my stuff and get back home, enjoy a nice hot shower and fall asleep in the bed I belong in. Sometimes I still wonder what my life would've looked like if I had done that, returning to my brothers and giving up on this crazy suicide-mission.

But I gotta remember that this is not for me, it's for them. Maybe one of the many people I've taken down would've attacked Leo, Donnie or Mikey. Even Master Splinter, Casey or April. And sure, that sounds paranoid, even more so than Leo would often sound, but it kept me going, still keeps me going. At least I know my family is at home, safe and sound. I will give my life for that, just like the sanity I've already given up. It's the only thing they need me for, to be the shield, the soldier sacrificing himself for the team. And I'm proud of that job. It separates me from the cockroaches down here, scum that has no good in them whatsoever.

I grumble lowly when I see a couple of guys, not much older than I am, sitting together around a turned over wooden box, probably getting high on whatever they've gotten their hands on for tonight.

Should've gone home boys, I think. You're ruining your life like this. I get up and what happens after, let's just say karma's a bitch. The night grows dark for me.

TMNTTMNTTMNTTMNTTMNTTMNTTMNTTMNTTMNTTMNTTMNTTMNTTMNTTMNTTMNT

It burns. It burns so badly I want to curl up and scream. Never have I felt something like this and I beg for the stabbing pain in my side to throb more, harsher, just so I have something else to focus on but the burning. For a small moment I figure that even though I'm not being attacked by actual fire, this might be the closest I'll ever get to the pain my baby brother has experienced. Because it does burn horribly and after all, if it wasn't for him I wouldn't be here, just like he took that fire because of me. And never will I ever blame Mikey for me being here and hurting like this, but it gives me the feeling I might be able to at least atone to him. To be punished and after that forgiven for everything I did. For getting Mikey mutilated, for killing the kid that started all this and not to forget, for all the people that never really deserved my wrath when I was taken over by one of my moods. If you can even call it just a mood.

Something is tugging at the edges of my subconscious and I find that I've gotten myself lost in my mind more than I intended. Another soft pulling that becomes more insistent and annoying with every tug. The feeling isn't really something I've experienced before but I think I know what it means. Splinter taught us a lot about meditation, shielding your brain from someone experienced enough to maybe take over and take you down from the inside out. According to him that's the most dangerous and horrible thing you can imagine happening to you. The person trying that tactic on me now is far from skilled and it isn't hart to push him away. I squeeze my eyes a little more before opening them again, the pain and burning sensation immediately taking over all my senses. At least the mind-invasion, or whatever the person getting into my head was trying to do, has disappeared. I look around a bit more, taking in the my surroundings and softly cursing for not having fallen on something more comfortable than a container. I feel how the metal has dented under my shell and hope nothing else on my body was damaged because of my free-fall. Cracks in the shell never heal, I know that from experience. It's a little difficult to judge the damage though, as before I jumped there were already quite a few places on my body that hurt bad.

It was an ambush. There was a reason I've only been encountering rookies and newly-trained ninjas from the Footclan lately, after all. They planned this all and got me by surprise. I wonder how they even knew where I would be but they must've followed me closely the last couple of months. If there's something I haven't done than it was hiding my predictability, something Leo and Master Splinter have been riding us for for years. I hate it when they're right but it shouldn't have surprised me either. Leo's told me plenty of times how I couldn't handle myself alone. My impulsiveness and exploding nature would always get in the way, according to him but he was wrong there. It's more like stubbornness and plain stupidity that gets me into trouble. I snicker a little. And here I thought Mikey was the dumbest of our team. I'm a freaking hypocrite.

However, it hadn't been the first time I had been ambushed by the Foot. I should've been able to take them out, especially because though they were skilled, I was better. Never had I anticipated on at least four squadrons of their best fighters coming at me all at the same time though.

It worked. They beat me. Finally, after years of rampages and murdering them single-handedly, I've been beaten. And what bothers me the most is that the red haze never covered my eyes during anything that happened. It protects me from going insane when killing but doesn't spare me now I'm getting my shell kicked by God knows how many people. I've lost.

I tried to get away from the situation. Never thought I would run like a coward but there's still this age-old caged-animal instinct that tells me to fight or flee. And as fighting hadn't really turned out in my favour I ran but there was nowhere to go. The warehouse was high, three to four stories I think but I haven't really taken a good look at it. I could do it now but that would mean straining my neck which hurts badly. Got cut somewhere during the fight and it's bleeding. I got stabbed in the side too but as the knife is still in I don't worry about losing a lot of blood through there. I hope it won't move though because there are a lot of places inside my body I would rather not have being stabbed by a knife. My eye is the worst. It's burning, as I said before, and I have no single clue as to why that is. It just happened and immediately after I couldn't see through it anymore. I thought tears where slipping through but when I felt on my face there was only blood. That was enough for me to know that it is bad. And I deserve it all.

I hear people's voices and know the ninjas have taken the safe way down the warehouse, having seen I wouldn't go anywhere. I tried to but I can't move anymore, blood loss and the injuries turning me into nothing more but a weakling. Not a man or warrior, but a kid and a disgrace to his family, waiting for his death. I can't even stand up. I just lie here and watch them closing in on me, discussing what to do, let me bleed out or downright kill me, slow or fast? One mentioned taking me to Shredder but even I know that I wouldn't be able to make it that far.

I don't feel afraid, not even humiliated which I think I should. There's only numbness and a small voice telling me how I failed and that this is exactly what I deserve. Apparently the universe, karma, God or whichever other deities up there are ruling this horrorshow that is called my life, finally decided to make an end to this. I welcome it with open arms, I'm done here. I've made my point at last and if I would ever get the chance to ask Mikey, I think he would agree that I've avenged him. I hope he does and that he doesn't hold anything against me. Because I would give that kid, my family and friends, I would give them the world if I just could.

A knife comes closer and I am ready for it. I close my eyes.

The end! What did you think guys, loved it? I especially think I nailed the ending of this chapter, I mean wow. This must be awful for you. I'm gonna leave it here and see what your opinions are in the reviews though. Please be sweet!

See ya!