Hey sorry I let you guys hanging with that horrible cliff-hanger, this chapter took me way longer than I expected it to. Mostly because I'm in my finals and all. Ugh, just have to pass eight stupid tests and then I'm finally free from high school and ready for University!
Until then, please enjoy this wonderful chapter which I think is gonna give some of you guys the opportunity to breathe again.
Chapter 17: begin
I don't know what it was that forced me to open my eyes again. It could've been my curiosity when the sharp pain followed by my hopefully swift death never came. Or maybe it was later, when something large and heavy dropped onto me, never to move again. When I did open my eyes though, I was met with the sight of a masked Footninja sprawled over my chest, the tip of an arrow sticking out of his back. Faintly I feel the feathered end of said arrow against my sides and feel strangely comforted by the soft touch. Especially because I know these arrows. I have used them before and this craftsmanship can only be achieved by one man, our Master Splinter. My brothers have come.
My surroundings are blurry and only occasional sounds are loud enough for me to decipher. What I understand from what I hear is that this is not a fight, it's a slaughter. Shrieks and fearful shouts echo around the empty docks when one after the other is taken down by the stealthy assassins. The ones I know have to do this because of me. And that makes me inwardly curse. Not only because I basically force them to murder more while they tried so hard to keep me from killing, but also because I know they will take me back to the lair to get treated, whether I want to or not. And they'll keep me there, which is both a pain and a relief.
"Raph, can you hear me?"
It's Donnie, I'm sure of it. His voice is extremely soft though and I feel rather confused when I can hardly have a sound coming from my mouth. So I nod to confirm that I've heard him, while pushing impatiently at the body on top of me, blocking out how once the mere thought of the death of a human-being made me feel sick.
Don helps me to remove the man with shaking hands, confirming what I already thought. This was his kill. As the bow slung around his shoulder isn't prove enough of that, it is that Donnie's accuracy with the bow and arrow is scarily precise. We have all learned to shoot but only Don likes to use it in the battle-field. Leo and I are more skilled in close hand-to hand combat and don't have the, what Mikey liked to call 'eagle-eye', our genius brother has.
When free of the extra weight I immediately feel an urgent hand tugging at my shoulder, forcing me up. I ignore the offered help and try to come up to a squat myself, losing my balance and almost face-planting back into the metal container underneath us. Donnie's there though and manages to pull me up completely. Only when standing does the impact of my injuries fully progress into my brain. The skin around the knife still embed in my side is stretched painfully when I try to move and warm liquid is yet again pouring down my face from my left eye. The cut around my neck is luckily not that deep so it stopped bleeding at some point. Now I try to keep my head as stable as possible as to not agitate it further, failing miserably when my head starts dangling from one side to the other like a ragdoll, blackness creeping at the edges of my vision as soon as Don tries to move me carefully.
I feel extremely weak all of the sudden but with one swift touch to my shoulder, another brother silently pleads for me to stay awake. Leo's concerned face materializes in front of me, words leaving his mouth but no matter how hard I try, I cannot make out a single syllable. Yet it's comforting and as long as Fearless is here, I refuse to faint like a sissy. If I've got to get back to the lair, I'll walk in, not being carried. Also, I've caused so many problems, hurt so many people, especially my brothers, that it would only be fair if I at least would be awake to hear them curse, yell and lecture me the oncoming few hours. Maybe even catch a glimpse of Mikey and Sensei when I get home.
With my brothers on both sides we all start to move. When they try to help me off of the container, I turn around and let my eyes roam over the chaos we leave behind. Ever since I started this mission I have never dared to spare as much as a glance to the death and despair I caused. Now I finally have built up the courage to actually do so, I wish I would've known sooner what a sea of murdered men looked like. Never again is the only thought that comes to mind when I stare at the massacre I forced my brothers to commit. And deep down I know that Leo has always been right, this was a dead-man's job.
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The anticipated lectures and angry words don't come and as soon as we get back home, I'm herded towards the infirmary, no way of checking up on the rest of my family. The lair hasn't changed much and I'm glad for that. It's like I never even left, as if time has come to a stand-still here till the complete family has gotten his act back together so we can continue life together.
I easily hop onto one of the examination tables and lie down with a long-drawn sigh. Don has taken the knife out when we were still in the Shell Raiser which my brothers had so conveniently brought along. I bet they knew I was getting myself into trouble when I didn't show up, they know me far too well. Anyways, my side isn't bleeding anymore but my eye still hurts like hell, burning even more fiercely than in the beginning causing me to hardly be able to keep my other eye open. When we were in the Shell Raiser Donnie tried to look at it but he quickly dismissed it and favoured treating my side which at that point had started bleeding steadily. The lids over my left eye are firmly closed and because of the pain and the fact that they are sticky with blood, I can't manage to open them up and give the doctor a look.
Don comes to stand over me and I look at him curiously. He doesn't look angry or afraid, maybe a little annoyed. Still he's the same little brother I always had, the one concerned for others before he would even consider himself. He stares at me with those golden brown eyes and at that moment I know one thing for sure, never will I have my family get through something like this again. It isn't fair to them. Especially not for Donnie, my little brother who not only had to murder to keep his elder safe, but also has to treat the same big bro because of his own stupid actions. We all know how much Donnie hates it to patch us up but never does he let us lick our own wounds. He feels responsible for us in a way, even as a little brother. And it makes me feel like the worst older brother on the planet.
"Feel a little better already?"
His voice is soft and I like that. A nod from me also causes his previous frown to turn into a watery smile. He sits me up carefully and expertly wraps a clean bandage around my neck, matching my already taped side. Normally I fight the treatments of my brothers when I'm injured, annoyed with the concern when there's nothing to worry about. But I'm tired now and feel guilty over what I've caused tonight. So I keep perfectly still, surprising Don probably but he doesn't say anything.
"It doesn't need stitches but we don't want it to get infected either," he mumbles instead, mostly to himself. I don't say anything in return. I don't really know what to say. I felt so angry just before the fight against the Footclan. Now I got defeated, had to be rescued by my brothers and I failed them to a whole new level, as a team-member and a brother. Yet I don't feel anything but resigned. I'm okay with whatever will happen after this. Maybe that fire that bothered me for years on end has finally been smothered. Something worries me though, why aren't my brothers angry with me?
Leo comes in now, nodding softly towards Don before sitting at the edge of the examination table I'm on. Don walks around the several cabinets, getting stuff out, putting stuff back in and doing a whole lot of other things I don't have a single clue of.
"I've put Mikey to bed," Leo suddenly speaks up. "He had fallen asleep on the couch, probably waiting for us."
Donnie merely nods, not missing a beat in putting a hell of a lot of beakers back into another cupboard, not the place he got them from, mind you. I'm surprised though because I hadn't even seen Mikey in the short moment we moved through the living room. I was quite delirious when they brought me in though. Still feel that way. I can think straight, I know where I am and what's going around, but it feels like there's water in between me and the real world. Everything feels out of touch, I can hardly hear anything and sometimes my still-working eye gets blurry all of the sudden, especially when I stand up.
"He wanted to be in your room though, you're fine with that, right?"
Another nod from a still ongoing Donatello. Finally he turns around and brings over some of the supplies he has apparently been looking for. I eye the filled syringe and the surgical knives unhappily and know what this means.
"I don't mind at all but it will take a while for me to get to bed. Raph's eye is in a bad shape so I think it's better to put him under so I can get a good look at it."
I grumble lowly when I hear that, a little annoyed that Don didn't tell me that before. Neither of my brothers pay me attention though and my younger brother continues prepping his materials. Leo also stands up from the table and stares at my face, his eyes scanning me over, the ambiance around him like hard steel.
"You're a lucky son of a gun, Raph"
His words surprise me but those not so much as the moment he decides to say them. Why get angry with me now? I've been awake, ready to be scolded at the whole ride home and never did they speak a word to me other than when it was necessary. They make me nervous, both of them. Don's like scarily close with extremely sharp equipment and Leo looks at me if he plans on burning holes through me with just his eyes.
"Just remember that. And if you decide to ever pull any stunts like that again, or even think about doing something that comes even remotely close to what you've done so far, trust me that you won't be so lucky next time."
He stalks off then and the only thing I can do is stare after him. Donnie doesn't seem to be that taken aback but tries to reassure me with a soft pad on my arm. Suddenly I feel like a little kid again, the way I would be feeling if Master Splinter punished me. Babied by everyone around me and I wonder slightly how Mikey can handle that day in, day out.
"We've been so scared for you, big brother. Leo especially, but Mikey, Master Splinter and me as well. We thought you weren't going to come home ever again, that we lost you for good."
He swallows uneasily and looks down on me again, those soft brown eyes glistering with unshed tears, the corner of his mouth trembling a little which always happens when Donnie is distressed. It makes me feel ten new kinds of idiot at the same time and I want to hug him, make him feel safe like I'm supposed to. But that's gonna take time. Leo has never been so harsh before, Donnie has never been so easily upset. My brothers have changed a great deal and I know it is because of what I've done. The least I can do now though is trying to fix this before we all fall.
I know I don't want to leave this place either. I have never felt so low-tastic before as I feel now and I know that's because of the guilt I have harboured for all those years. Finally it comes crashing down on my conscience, all at once. My brothers needed me and I wasn't there. My brothers killed for me because I was hard-headed. My brother has to fix me up now because I was stupid enough to get hurt badly. My family suffered because I wouldn't listen to them, trusting an instinct our father has warned us for for years. And just like that, right then and there, I make my decision.
"I'll stay here, little brother," I whisper. With that promise Donnie presses the syringe into my skin and I feel how consciousness slowly drains away. I still see my second-youngest's smile though, and I know it's safe for me to finally close my eyes completely, and have some real rest for the first time in over three years. What will come after this doesn't matter to me now. As long as I don't have to do it alone anymore.
Ain't that awesome? Raphie's sort of seen the light and he isn't dead either :D I gotta say I was close to killing him off for real but I don't like those stories. We came so far already, why would I try and make the ending too easy by just having him get killed. That'd be stupid and sad. Also, this is like the part in which Raph is extremely confused, not sure of what to do and now he's all empty inside. Next will be him filling his mind and soul back up with a purpose and some brotherly love. So please stick with me, we ain't out of the woods yet!