Oh my gosh, I've been so distracted by school and all the other stuff I need to do that I hadn't even noticed I had gotten myself over a hundred reviews for this fic! So thanks everyone, for sticking with me for so long and an extra special Thank You for: Athese, Poetique-Justyce, Bluestar-TMNT-Warriors, Created to Write, Bookworm563, slings and arrows of fortune, Americanpyscho, TJHECTOR, Raigon, LiL PriNCeSs Me and probably a hell of a lot of other people who keep reviewing and got me to the 114 that it is now.

Warning: a few swear words from… Mikey? Man, what went wrong in this fic?

Now let's get on with the story!

Chapter 18: Breakdown

"Careful dumbass, you're going to hurt yourself."

A couple of months ago I would've given the world just to hear his voice again. And yet hearing it now isn't how I had envisioned it to be at all. He doesn't sound the way I remember. There is a harshness in his voice that cuts sharply through the thin air of unresolved tension surrounding us.

Before I had fully woken up I hadn't even recognized the presence vibrating around me. It was forceful, causing me to open up my eyes, or eye since there was a patch over my left one, to see where it was coming from. To say I was surprised to see my orange-banded younger brother sitting next to me was quite an understatement. In my hurry to get upright and get a better look of him a sharp pain travelled from the left side of my head all the way to the very core of my brain. It had been then that Mikey said that sentence which still puzzles me now.

The headache is lying down to nothing more than a dull throb behind my left eye, which I had injured pretty bad now that I think of it. Donnie had even sedated me so he could treat it. I remember surgical knives as well so it's probably not that good. I don't really care though, Mikey has lost an eye because of my stupidity as well. An eye for an eye, isn't that what they say?

I slowly move my head to watch my little brother sideways. He smirks at me in a way I used to look down on him when we were younger. A trick I used when I didn't want my family to see that I was hurting. I had to show them I was tough and strong by the only way I knew, pushing them away.

And now I can see that reflection of my younger self in Michelangelo. An involuntary shiver travels through my spine when his ice-cold blue eye catches mine, his smirk making place for a frown I wish I could slap of of him the moment it came. He isn't supposed to look at me like that, not when we have hardly spoken ten words to one another.

He called me dumbass, a nickname I used on him millions of times before. It's wrong to hear it come from him though. He spat it out like it was repulsive, as if I didn't even deserve to be called by any name. I have never made it sound like that, like I hated him or felt sickened by him. But Mikey is angry and he has a good reason to be. What I don't get is why he isn't doing what he normally does when he is pissed with someone, which hardly happens. He always avoids the subjects of his anger, he stays away until his fire has burned out. So why is he here if he hates me as much as he's letting on?

"Are you okay, Mikey?" I ask, wincing at the croak that comes after. He hesitantly passes me a glass of water. His hand quickly recoils when I have my fingers around the glass, as if he's afraid of touching me. I try not to think too much of it when drinking the soothing heaven that is called water.

When I empty the cup Mikey doesn't answer my previously asked question. He just stares, his eye raking over my body as if this is an interrogation. As the uncomfortable silence stretches so does my patience. After what could be minutes or just seconds, I can't take it anymore.

"What's your problem?!" I snarl a little rougher than I intended. It isn't often I snap at my younger brothers. It happens multiple times when I have a fight with Leo or when he gets on my nerves, but never do I get snappy with Don or Mikey. Donnie hardly ever gets me annoyed, only with his techno-babble which I ridicule to get back at him. Mikey on the other hand, he's a master at pushing my buttons. But whenever he goes too far I just smack him or wrestle him to the ground for a bit, I don't snap. Mostly because my youngest brother is better at reading actions than words. He knows when I wrestle him I'm not trying to inflict pain. Whenever I tell him he's a messed-up brat though, he'll take it to heart and get upset.

But yet again he doesn't act the way I'm used to from him. It's kind of understandable, I haven't really interacted with him for over three years. We haven't been brothers lately, more like acquaintances. I wouldn't have noticed it if something was troubling him or if his behaviour would change. At least not unless he had told me.

"My problem huh?" I let my eyes drift up to his face. I resent that face of his because it's too damaged. His freckles, his baby blue eyes, they're all burned off it looks like. There's nothing left that reminds me of that turtle I used to call my kid brother, except for maybe his mask. There used to be his personality too, he kept being that happy-go-lucky guy, even after all the hurt and unfairness he has been saddled with for so long already. But the way he's looming over me now, it isn't like that Mike at all.

"Oh, I don't know. Maybe my brother decided to ditch me for over three years when I needed him?"

I flinch causing Mike to smile in pleasure. I don't say a thing though. This is what I deserve for leaving them for so long. I had only imagined it would be Donnie or Leo with the lectures. Mikey has always been so… Mikey. He forgives, he doesn't hold grudges. The moment I was dragged into the Shellraiser I had thought that at least Mike would be glad to see me back and latch onto me the way only little brothers do.

"Wanna know what's funniest about this all?" he growls. I feel like shaking my head, just because I can't take that distrustful, hate-filled voice anymore. Because I know this isn't funny at all! There aren't many places for me to go now though. I can only listen to what he feels like he has to tell me.

"You finally dragged your sorry ass back home. Damn, I was so fucking relieved when Leo told me you were back in the lair again. But the only thing I got back is two traumatized older brothers and find out you almost got killed last night, god damn it!"

He breathes heavily from the shouting, giving me time to open up my mouth. Not that I have anything to say to him really. He's right about everything he said.

"Stop cussing, Mike," I mumble eventually because it is really bothering me. "Doesn't sound right from your mouth."

He sends me an amused look, crossing his arms defiantly. "As if you never curse," he hisses, his eye narrowing again when I watch him tiredly. I guess he hoped for another reaction on his outburst, a more fierce one maybe. Too bad baby bro, maybe you've changed but I know I have too. At least enough to know that a fight between me and Mikey is the last thing our family needs right now.

"Doesn't matter," I tell him in a steady and even voice that surprises even myself. "You aren't like me, little brother. There are better role-models in this world. I'm a psychopath."

It's the first time I say it out loud but I've known it for probably even years. The strange thing is that I used to call the other Raphael a psycho because he started all this mess. Because he was able to kill an innocent kid like Mikey is. Or maybe was, I don't know anymore. He is right, I wasn't there for three years, only saw him occasionally when training. What do I know, right?

"You aren't a psychopath," Mikey says honestly, a little more in the way I'm used to. He slumps back into his chair putting his elbows on his knees and supporting his head in his hands. He looks spent. Has he even slept the last couple of days? It doesn't look like it and it's probably my fault. They must have been worried when I didn't show up like I normally would. Especially Mikey. He told me he liked my visits every once in a while, just so he knew I wasn't dead.

"What do you want from me, Mikey?" I finally ask, getting tired of the game he is playing. If he wants to tell me how he hates me for messing up the last two brothers he has left, he should just say so.

He shrugs his shoulders, refusing to look at me because of what I'm sure are tears streaming down his face. For a second I wonder how it could happen that he broke down so quickly but figure that he probably faked being mad at me. Not that he isn't really angry but he usually doesn't express it in such a violent way. That's my shtick. I know he tries to be tough, tries to hate me like Leo probably does, but his heart is too big for that and it frustrates him.

"I want you to fix everything," he mumbles unhappily, empty of the venom that previously laced his voice. "I'm stuck, Raph. I keep wanting to move forward, I keep wanting to move on. And I can't 'cause I need you, we all do."

I shake my head, yet offering him somewhat of a crooked smile to reassure him a little. I'm glad he is acting more like himself now but a baby brother upset is an awful sight, no matter in what way he expresses it. What he asks from me is impossible though. I can't help him, I can't get the family out of this hell hole I pulled them in.

"I don't think I can help ya, Mike. I can't even help myself."

He isn't pleased with the answer in the slightest. I didn't think he would be. My youngest brother has always looked at me as the muscle of the team, the protector of my brothers. I had shielded him from all the monsters when we were younger, both real and the creations of his own mind. And now it's over. I probably scarred Donnie for life and Leo will never forgive me for that. We can't ignore that hasn't happened. Maybe I have never looked around to see the massacres I committed but I know Don and Leo have seen the aftermaths of my untamed anger. There is no way we can just forget that, even if we all want it to so badly.

Tears of guilt burn my eyes but I don't cry. The last time I have cried was when I thought Mikey had died in that room. That was a reason to cry, this isn't. This is self-pity and I don't deserve that. My brothers are the only ones worthy of sorrow because I know it was me who put them through hell.

When I take a rather shaky breath my brother flinches next to me. He stands up so fast it's like something burned him. He doesn't say anything at all when he moves over to the door, the limp I'm already used to standing out all the more because he tries to hurry.

He surprises me when he turns around, door handle in hand and a broken expression on his face.

"Only psychopaths can kill other people without some kind of breakdown," he tells me and I swallow audibly. When we were talking I was glad he hadn't caught onto my comment of me being a psychopath. I didn't mean to actually say it out loud at that time. I had hoped Mikey would leave it alone.

"What are you trying to say?" I ask when I figure he is waiting for some kind of response from me.

"I mean that the reason you have changed is because you've broken down. You're an asshole Raph, but you aren't a psycho."

With that he leaves the room, even turning off the light because he probably wants me to sleep. Not that I mind too much. If there's one thing I've learned in my three years alone is how much easier it is to think in the dark. No distractions, just you and your thoughts.

And there in the dark, my face slowly filling with pathways of wet streaks, I figure out two things. One: I really am breaking down. Two: I need to make this up to my brothers, one way or another.

But first there is sleep. There's always sleep first because it's the place where everything is still the way it's supposed to be.

Uhm… yeah. Hey the sweet Mikey/Raph reunion we have all waited for for so long… Okay so maybe it isn't cute and brofluffy yet but it will be sometime, I promise.

Until then, review me so I'm in a better mood and write fluffier chapters :D